New here...long story.

[NeverADullMoment]

Hello! I literally just joined this forum a few minutes ago. I have a VERY long and complicated story and I really don't want to go in to all the details because on paper everything looks like a total disaster, but if you met us in person and saw the level of love and respect my man and I have for each other, you would understand. In a nutshell he got in trouble for a white collar crime and was in prison in the US (and Immigration Detention) for 20 months. It was a HUGE shock to me at the time, but I stood by him and our relationship became even stronger on many levels. We are not the kind of people you would EVER think would be involved with prison on any level. He had never been in trouble a day in his life before. He's a strong and very intelligent man (had a B.A. by the age of 19) who was always involved in sports (was training for the Beijing Olympics in swimming), coaches children's sports, was a lifeguard, etc. but he made a really stupid decision to try to make some money for his family back in his home country...and well things went downhill from there. The good thing is he realizes how many people were hurt from this (even though in his mind at the time he was trying to help the ones he loved) and he will never break the law again!

 

In early March he was deported from the US and can never return. However, he is now a free man which is awesome.

 

Within two weeks of his deportation we met up in Antigua for six weeks. We rented a house which was great because it helped with food costs so we could stay longer and it was also a way for us to "live together" since we hadn't done that previously. And just as we thought, we compliment each other so well. We literally spent 24/7 attached at the hip for six weeks. I went to the store ONCE by myself....seriously, otherwise we were attached all the time. He was always touching me and I even woke up every morning being half-suffocated by him wrapping his entire body around me! LOL!! But of course I would NEVER complain about that since it was what I dreamed of for 20 months!

 

It was torture for both of us to have to leave and go back to being 7,000 miles away. We both cried like big babies. He promised we will meet up again somewhere and said maybe I can go to his country to meet his family in the fall. It will all depend on what is happening in our lives at the time.

 

Now we have both been home for three weeks and I'm having a very difficult time being separated from him again. I couldn't sleep the first week because I kept waking up every 15 minutes wondering where he was since I couldn't feel him touching me...then I would realize I was back home and alone and I'd cry for an hour until I fell asleep. Then I would wake up again in 15 minutes and the cycle would repeat itself. I had to finally take Tylenol PM at night to start sleeping again.

 

He is in a bad situation right now basically working from sun up to sun down on his Dad's farm and in the family house. His country has very little opportunity and while he's the strongest man I know, I can hear the worry in his voice. He's concerned he will get trapped there. He feels like his future is very uncertain. So much is up in the air right now.

 

Communicating is difficult since he has very little access to the internet (for Skype) and he doesn't have a cell phone...I call his sister's cell phone and we talk that way usually once or twice per day if he's at the family home (less if he's on the farm...they don't even have electricity there so he can't charge the battery and he can't take his sister's phone all the time) but it's a little uncomfortable to always have to talk via her phone...and my Romanian is about as good as her English...in other words, not so great!

 

I have a business here, a house, two older teenagers at home (an 18 year old about to go to college and a 16 year old that is never here anyway...), my ex-husband living in the basement (ugh) and I hate where I live. It's cold and rainy and I'm an island girl (grew up in Hawaii). Our six weeks in Antigua was pure paradise on so many levels. But I'm not sure it would be a good place for us to live. And I don't even know how to navigate all the different options and possibilities and barriers for us to immigrate to another country...it would be easier for me being an American but for him being from an "undesirable" country is tough.

 

I'm feeling very overwhelmed, sad and insecure right now. When I call him all I can do is cry which makes him feel TERRIBLE and now it's getting to the point where it's starting to annoy him, especially because he's physically exhausted every day and the last thing he wants to hear is me crying. He knows me as a strong, determined, independent woman and suddenly I'm being weak and clingy...he wants the woman he fell in love with...not some whining, complaining little 15 year old girl that is making him feel more pressure.

 

Some people tell me "Just move to his country!" but that just isn't going to happen. It sounds all adventurous and romantic until you stop and realize how hard their life is and what it would ACTUALLY be like on a daily basis. He says there's no way he would let me live there. He says he loves me too much to see me live that way. I know he wants the best for me, and by hearing his daily life, I agree with him. It's easy to think "if you love him enough you will just forget your western ways and move to be with him..." but it's SO much more than that! I just can't see myself milking goats and working until my hands are almost bleeding every day. That doesn't mean I don't love him enough, its just that I have to trust that he knows me well enough to realize that after a while I would resent him. And HE doesn't want to live that life...why would he want me to live it?? So he's trying to figure out how to leave the country again and see what opportunities there might be somewhere else.

 

I had a bit of a breakdown a few days ago and I'm trying to pull myself back together. I really need to focus on making some money so I can go visit him and/or help him get in to a better situation. He tells me every day to stay strong and be patient...and I WAS strong and patient (most days) for those 20 months that he was locked up! But I think being with him those six weeks and realizing how connected we are made me....I don't know...made me want him even more and I'm so sad to be without him again. It's like my entire soul and every cell in my body is yearning for him and I'm having a very difficult time focusing on anything, which is TOTALLY counter-productive.

 

I never had to deal with a relationship through prison before but somehow we made it work. The first week we were in Antigua he would sometimes look at me and say "We made it! We really made it!" talking about both making it to the island, but also making it through all the ups and downs of prison (ok, all pretty much downs...not much "up" about prison!). When he was locked up I couldn't see him at all for the first 8 months. Then I was able to visit for 2 hours twice per week for about 6 weeks. Then he was moved to his final prison 1,000 miles away so in essence I dealt with a prison relationship AND long distance at the same time. It took two months for his transfer and then I was able to visit about every two weeks for a few months (yes, it was VERY expensive!) and then when he was sent to Immigration Detention he was back to being just 15 minutes away from me and I could visit him behind glass for an hour 5 days per week and talk on the phone every day. So what's crazy is that in some ways I had better access to him in prison and immigration than with him being free now. And of course when he was in prison, our goal was just to get through his sentence...then the next goal was to get to the trip...well now our goal is to get to life.....holy moly that's a big one!!! I think it's hard for me to not have any specific goals or plans right now. The future is so much in the air and it's making me feel insecure. I tell him that I'm worried he will just move on with his life without me and he says that's ridiculous and it makes him mad when I talk like that. So I guess I just need to go back to being patient and try to focus on my business until we can make the next plan to get together.

 

If you've read this far, you probably deserve a medal of honor. I guess I just need to write and vent a little. I don't really have anyone to talk to about all this stuff because "normal people" just don't understand. They say "just get a new man" like it's a replaceable piece of equipment or something....well, they've said that ever since the day he was arrested. And I'm SURE no one thought we would make it through but we did. Now I just need to figure out how to readjust to this new phase. Writing helps a lot to get the thoughts out of my head...in fact I'm in the process of writing a book on our crazy story. There is no doubt that this man is my soulmate and the love of my life and he says the same about me. I just need to dig deep and find that inner strength and patience again. Thanks for listening and if you have any tips on dealing with this awful clingy feeling I'm having, please let me know!

[umirano]

I just broke up with my soul mate. Don't read too much into such sweet words.

 

He's Romanian. Romania is in the EU. He can take residence anywhere in the EU if Romania doesn't quite cut it.

[NeverADullMoment]

He's not Romanian...he's from Moldova which is not part of the EU so he can't travel too freely. In fact on his way back from Antigua he wasn't allowed to catch one of his connecting flights because they required a travel visa (even though the German and Italian embassies all told me he wouldn't need one ahead of time...ugh!) and he was stuck in the airport for 36 hours and asking people to borrow their laptops so he could Skype me until I could get him re-routed home.

 

Romania does have a program to allow some Moldovans to get a Romanian passport and he is going to start the paperwork process on that next week. But that takes money (which he doesn't have) and a lot of time since almost everyone in his country wants a Romanian passport so the consulate is overwhelmed with requests. He thinks it will take up to a year. In the meantime he wants to research where he might be able to get a work visa. But it will take time. And then I will have to research getting a work visa too. Sigh. It's not easy to think about relocating.

 

And he's not a sweet talker at all. As he puts it "I was raised in a semi-Spartan fashion where no one even said 'I love you'" so those kinds of words are VERY few and far between and he will almost never repeat himself. So when he does say sweet things, I know he means it. Anyway, I'm not here to defend my relationship or to try to prove to anyone if this man loves me or not. There is no doubt about that. I'm sorry to hear that your relationship didn't work out, but thank you for reading my story.

[TMichaels]

How did you two meet?

 

What are your ages?

 

What was he imprisoned for?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[NeverADullMoment]

How did you two meet?

 

What are your ages?

 

What was he imprisoned for?

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

 

We met at the gym. I'm in my 40's and he is in his 30's. Bank fraud...writing bad checks.

[justwhoiam]

How long have you known him before he went to jail?

All the things you told us about him, do they come from him? Or did you check all that? That means, for example, did you read all the papers about his case, etc?

 

Regarding his future. It's enough he transfer his residence to Romania, which I guess should be relatively easy. After that, he can go anywhere in Europe.

 

Anyway, I don't know how much you know about this man.

[NeverADullMoment]

How long have you known him before he went to jail?

All the things you told us about him, do they come from him? Or did you check all that? That means, for example, did you read all the papers about his case, etc?

 

Regarding his future. It's enough he transfer his residence to Romania, which I guess should be relatively easy. After that, he can go anywhere in Europe.

 

Anyway, I don't know how much you know about this man.

 

We were together night and day for six months before he was arrested...literally. We were attracted to each other and emotionally intimate from the moment we met, but were not physically intimate until just prior to his arrest, so our relationship was founded on a very strong base.

 

I know 100% about his case....I mean I didn't before it happened which is why it was such a huge shock to me, and trust me I was EXTREMELY skeptical and confused. But he swore to me that it was the only thing he ever lied to me about as he bawled his eyes out...not because he was arrested but because he felt he had betrayed me and he hurt me. He promised me that he would never lie to me again even if it hurt me. I do NOT do well with lying and its usually a deal breaker for me, but I did give him a chance to redeem himself because I knew what was in his heart. It took some time and a lot of patience on both of our parts, but I trust him 1,000,000%. The proof is in the pudding in that he IS honest with me even if it hurts. All this time later I can say with all my confidence that he has not lied to me about anything or tried to cover up anything.

 

I was at every hearing, talked to his lawyer constantly and I was the only person he trusted enough to be there for him. I have all the copies of his paperwork. I was the only person he ever called (with the exception of calling his parents for 15 minutes once per month and one friend on the east coast once every few months), and the only person that ever visited him. As a funny side note, when his counselor called to tell me she got an exception from the Warden for me to visit after 8 months, she told me "I've been here 10 years, and honestly I've never seen a man so happy to hear that news! He must really love you alot!" Awwww!

 

When it came to his immigration case and discussing fighting his deportation...well it's a long story but let's just say that I have the utmost respect for this man to make the toughest decision of his life and it was based on what he felt was the best for me, most certainly NOT for himself....anyway, like I said it's a long and convoluted story, but ultimately the answer is there is no doubt about who he is, what he did, and the kind of man that he is.

 

Everything he's ever told me has checked out...all the way down to where his family lives, what their life is like, etc. Just before he was deported, an old college roommate of his moved to my area and contacted me because obviously he couldn't get a hold of my man....he didn't know he had been arrested (it's a HUGE shame to my man and SO out of character!). Anyway, we met up for coffee and I told his friend what happened (with my man's permission, of course!), and I asked a million questions and EVERYTHING checked out....trust me, there's no one that had more skepticism than me after he was arrested!! Yes, I loved him, but I didn't want to give my heart any more to this man if he was going to use me or crush me or be some horrible criminal so I kept my eyes WIDE OPEN. In over 2-1/2 years there is not one single thing inconsistency in any of his stories. And even this old college roommate confirmed that his heart really is as huge as I think it is. I've "met" his family via Skype and he wants me to come meet them in person this fall (after my busy season for my business). I have all his family's contact info, etc. etc. and I know his family is the MOST important thing to him in the world! Believe me...I know more about this man than I did about my husband of 20 years!

 

I do have to admit that after being separated by prison for 20 months, the trip we took was a BIG deal. Not only were we celebrating him being free, but we were considering moving there. HOWEVER, again I'm a practical, realistic and intelligent woman (even if I'm also a very emotional one!) and I looked at this trip as another way to see if everything checked out. Within three days any last little inklings of doubt I had were gone. He's just so "real"...we argue like normal couples do and he is attentive to me in his own way...not in some perfect romantic prince charming way...but in a way like a man that really cares for and wants to protect his woman. He's more worried about my health than he is about if I feel all lovey-dovey and gushy about something....he's more worried about if I'm making smart financial decisions for my own future, than if I buy him something...just things like that.

 

It's hard to describe but I've never met a man like him before. When I have a problem and I ask for his advice he tells me what he thinks and then he will be "consuming himself and putting his brain on maximum" to think of all of the best solutions. He's always pushing me to better myself no matter what I'm doing and I know I can count on his support and advice on anything. He's practical and realistic, he's quick to anger but quick to apologize if he overreacted to something. He always has my back no matter what but he's completely open and honest with me if he thinks I'm wrong about something (like an issue with a family member, etc). He doesn't sugarcoat anything and for the most part he doesn't let me manipulate him (I'm kind of a master at that) however I still know what buttons to push to get my way (sigh). He gets cranky if he's tired or hungry and I know I need to either give him space to sleep or feed him right away! He loves to floss his teeth, eggplant is one of his favorite vegetables and he loves pickled watermelon, he is a little superstitious, we have small matching birthmarks on our left calves, he loves dogs and hates cats, he gets callouses on the bottom of his big toes from playing soccer, he has scars on his hands from working on his Dads farm when he was a teenager and the doctors had to cut infection out, his mom is a Kindergarten teacher, his Dad used to be a wedding videographer in the 90's (which ironically is what I do for a living) and was also a travel agent and is now a sport coach, he swims 2,000 meters in about 40 minutes, he does wide-grip pull ups in sets of 20, he was named after this grandfather who died while he was in the US and he will never forgive himself for not being there to say goodbye, he hates communism and is skeptical of all politicians, he has an uncanny knack for remembering historical stuff, he can read people SO well...even if he's never met them, he prefers sparkling water over flat water....need I say more? I literally could go on and on for days. I think I know the man pretty well. ;)He's very far from perfect and he's insecure in some ways (especially after prison), but he's a good, good man. He accepts me for all my flaws and he loves me and worries about me like crazy.

 

He will not be relocating to Romania. I just don't see that happening. And besides, it's not just a matter of crossing the border and he somehow gets a new passport. He would actually have to get a visa to go to Romania. getting a passport is a process and he has to prove that his grandfather was born in Romania (so he has to get those records) and all kinds of stuff and again, there are literally hundreds of thousands of other people trying to go through this process since they can have EU access so it's a slow machine right now. But it will happen. It's one of his top priorities right now. He's working SO hard both physically for his family and mentally for his own future and he just hit the ground running as soon as he got home three weeks ago. I'm actually really, really proud of him and all the hard work he's doing. I know it's for both of us, but mostly he needs to do it for himself. He told me that as a man he feels like he has to get on his two feet and be able to feel confident that he can support himself and me financially before we can make long term plans. Again, that's something that can be a hard pill to swallow because the romantic American woman in me wants to hear "Baby, I can't live without you so we have to get married right away!" but again he's a practical man that wants to do things the right way and he wants what is best for me, even when I disagree with him about it. He already tried to do something the "quick way" and well...that back fired BIG TIME (i.e. prison)! So I have to have patience, understanding and respect and just keep working on our relationship through this next phase. I don't think anything can be as worse as prison was, so we should be able to get through the next...year, maybe two....I just need to stay calm and see what happens and keep having faith and believe in him....in US.

 

Whew....that was a little long-winded, eh??? I guess I've gotten so used to having to "defend" our relationship so I go overboard with my answers sometimes. Sorry! I don't really expect most people to understand because (thankfully) most of y'all will never have to deal with this situation and most think like I did before...that ANYONE who goes to jail is obviously a horrible person that can never be trusted, they will repeat their crimes, are violent and do drugs etc. and that's just not true. I'm just a normal middle-class woman with kids, a minivan and a small business whose parents are gun-toting-card-carrying-military-republicans so I NEVER EVER would have thought I'd experience anything like what we went through. My man is an intelligent, athletic, compassionate man that doesn't do drugs and is NOT violent at all, but he made a bad decision however I'm so happy that I met him and decided to go along for the ride. I will not make excuses for what he did because it was wrong, but thankfully he learned from it. There were a LOT of very hard times, but it did bring us closer and make us a very strong team. And our trip to Antigua solidified our love and commitment to each other even more...six weeks together was a great amount of time to reconnect intimately and live with each other and realize we don't want to be without the other.

[LittleTiger]

Welcome to LS NADM. Sorry for your circumstances.

 

I don't really understand what kind of help or advice you're looking for since your situation is clearly determined by the authorities at his end.

 

I hate to put a damper on your hopes for a happy ending here but your story reminds me a lot of Island Girl. Her long term boyfriend was deported from the US back to Tonga, because he 'forgot' to renew his visa. They did get married and she spent thousands trying to get a visa for him to return, but he was stuck in Tonga with no money and she couldn't afford to visit him more than once or twice in seven years! They never managed to close the distance and the relationship ended very badly.

 

You clearly have no intention of giving up on your boyfriend but I suspect you have a long, and very tough, road ahead of you.

 

I have to admit, I'm curious to know, if he has no money, how did you manage to spend 6 weeks together in Antigua?

[justwhoiam]

I don't want to spoil your over-enthusiasm, that is really abounding...

 

You need to estimate - at least - 2 to 3 years for this man to be able to move anywhere else in the world.

 

And you need to count on yourself mainly, because it seems that:

1) he's broke

2) he has no means (electricity, cell phone, PC, Internet connection...)

3) he probably won't be able to put as much effort in the relationship as you're willing to put, and that will consume you over time

 

Lack of communication is a big issue in a LDR. If you're really committed and willing to put up with all that, and behaving like his mommy, go for it.

[justwhoiam]

Ah, plus I guess you need to consider the frustration of him not being allowed to enter the US anymore (I'm not sure if that will be permanent or what). You can surely sponsor him, but it will drain you on any level.

[justwhoiam]

if he has no money, how did you manage to spend 6 weeks together in Antigua?

Well, I guess she probably sponsored the "honeymoon". But I have to admit that left me puzzled too. Why not going to his home country and stay at the farm, saving the money for the near future?

 

NeverADullMoment, that vacation gave you the chance to have good memories with him as a couple like in a honeymoon, but maybe it was worth it to make it more real, and see the real him in his context.

[TMichaels]

I hate to put a damper on your hopes for a happy ending here but your story reminds me a lot of Island Girl.

 

I was thinking the same, LT.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[TMichaels]

Ah, plus I guess you need to consider the frustration of him not being allowed to enter the US anymore (I'm not sure if that will be permanent or what). You can surely sponsor him, but it will drain you on any level.

 

There is no "sponsoring" possible. Bank fraud is considered an aggravated felony in the US. After serving their prison sentence, convicted immigrants/foreign visitors are deported and permanently banned from ever setting foot in the country again.

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited May 27, 2013 by TMichaels

[justwhoiam]

convicted immigrants/foreign visitors are deported and permanently banned from ever setting foot in the country again.

Oh, then this can be a huge problem in the long run. She has a family there. She'll always have to be alone (when) in the US. Quite unbearable if you think it's "forever".

[NeverADullMoment]

I don't really understand what kind of help or advice you're looking for since your situation is clearly determined by the authorities at his end.

 

I guess I'm just venting and introducing myself more than anything. I've been part of an online forum for people who have loved ones in prison but since he's out now I feel like that's not really as relavent anymore. It was a SUPER helpful forum for me the last two years though because it helped me navigate a system I was completely unfamiliar with and helped me understand the emotions we both went through. Honestly some of the advice I got on there probably helped to save our relationship at times like when he went through a phase of trying to push me away because he felt like crap about himself and thought I "deserved a better man" which I guess is a pretty common thing that incarcerated men go through. Had I not had people to help me see that, he MAY have been successful at pushing me away....I mean it's still unlikely because I'm a pretty determined woman, but it helped me be able to call him on the carpet about it and get him to understand that I wasn't going anywhere. So I guess now that THAT phase is over (thank God!) I am looking for another "home" to help me navigate these waters when times get tough.

 

 

 

I hate to put a damper on your hopes for a happy ending here but your story reminds me a lot of Island Girl. Her long term boyfriend was deported from the US back to Tonga, because he 'forgot' to renew his visa. They did get married and she spent thousands trying to get a visa for him to return, but he was stuck in Tonga with no money and she couldn't afford to visit him more than once or twice in seven years! They never managed to close the distance and the relationship ended very badly.

 

You clearly have no intention of giving up on your boyfriend but I suspect you have a long, and very tough, road ahead of you.

 

Well I don't know those people and I can tell you I saw dozens and dozens of couples split up through prison sentences. I also had a child with cancer twice when I was younger and my husband and I made it through that while other couples didn't survive. (our marriage ended for much different reasons 15 years later...) In other words, just because someone might have teensy similarities doesn't mean their relationships are anywhere close to being the same. The chances of him ever returning are slim to none and who knows if we will be able to close the distance or not. Even if it doesn't work out (and I know that would devastate me), this man has taught me so much about myself and changed the kind of person I am in so many amazing ways and I would never regret the years with him. I'm not just some woman floating around on a bubble (or as he says riding my unicorn over the rainbow)...I am realistic and I know we have a lot of challenges ahead of us which we may or may not be able to overcome. But I'm a VERY determined woman and this is a man that is very committed to me. He has LOADS more patience than I do but we balance each other out pretty good. Thankfully we will be able to see each other more than twice in seven years also...geez, that's tough!

 

 

I have to admit, I'm curious to know, if he has no money, how did you manage to spend 6 weeks together in Antigua?

 

I saved up for a long time, he borrowed some money from a family member, and we were VERY careful with how we spent money. I guess the beauty in him growing up poor is he knows how to restrain himself when it comes to spending and when I was tempted to splurge on something, he would stop me. I learned a LOT from him and wish I could be more like that! I did some good negotiations and a partial barter for the house we rented and because it was a house, not a resort or hotel, we cooked almost all of our own meals. We didn't spend a lot on things to do because we just liked hanging out at the beach or our pool most of the time (which is free!). We splurged on a few things like jet skiing and ziplining and we ate out MAYBE a total of 10 times...but for the most part we just spent time together.

[NeverADullMoment]

You need to estimate - at least - 2 to 3 years for this man to be able to move anywhere else in the world.

 

And you need to count on yourself mainly, because it seems that:

1) he's broke

2) he has no means (electricity, cell phone, PC, Internet connection...)

3) he probably won't be able to put as much effort in the relationship as you're willing to put, and that will consume you over time

 

That's about the timeframe we are thinking too, perhaps sooner if he can get his Romanian passport within the next year. Since he is in the city today he is going to meet up with a friend that will help him start the paperwork process. But it will take a lot of planning and we will both likely have to learn a new language on top of everything.

 

He's working like crazy to have those means. And I know him well enough to know he will get there just as soon as he can. He's been home for just THREE weeks and most of that time he's been on the farm, so I think it's not fair to judge him on three weeks. He has to start off from the ground up again, which trust me makes him SO mad at himself, but it's also lit a fire under him. Yesterday he was cracking 12 pounds of walnuts all day and took them to the market to sell for $70 to apply for some exams he will start taking tomorrow for his Master's Degree. So it's not like he's some completely inept, stupid, poor lazy farm boy that will never get anywhere in life and he's relying on me to support him...far from it! He doesn't want me sending him money at all and as a man he WANTS to get to where he knows he can be. And he wants me to focus on my own financial issues that have nothing to do with him. Right now his situation sucks big time, but he has had many accomplishments in his life and he's a determined, aggressive, smart man and I believe in him and I know he will do something great. It's one of the things that attracted me to him the minute I met him.

 

I'm not sure why you think he wouldn't be as willing to put as much effort in to the relationship as me. He does and always has. Over the last *almost* two years of dealing with prison he showed me many, many times that I was his top priority in terms of communication. Tonight he told me again that he's working on it and that I have to be patient and trust him. He said he would talk to me on Skype all day if he could, but he has to make something happen NOW for his financial survival. He said I have to do a better job at separating our love from the things we need to do financially right now. He's right...talking to me longer and being all romantic and mushy instead of looking for a job and trying to build a future isn't going to help us in the long run, it will hurt us. And it's not like we will be going days or weeks without ANY contact (occasionally could be up to a day and a half or so). I just have to be more understanding of the situation right now and realize it WILL get better and I have to stop being such a "girl" about it! He needs a strong, understanding woman...not some attention whore that whines "why don't you call me more???" ugh!!!

 

Lack of communication is a big issue in a LDR. If you're really committed and willing to put up with all that, and behaving like his mommy, go for it.

 

Trust me, lack of communication is a major issue in a prison relationship among a host of other things so I'm no stranger to it. And I'm pretty sure I've shown my commitment. This is just a different kind of lack of communication for different reasons that I will have to adjust to. There ARE some major advantages....I can see him via Skype whereas before it was just phone, and our conversations are not listened to by the government anymore (that's always lovely), nor do we have a 300 minute per month limit....not because of how much it costs, but because the prison says 300 minutes per month is all anyone gets to talk. And when we do see each other we are FREE. I guess I'm learning how to be adaptable and I need to look more at the positives and stop whining so much. It's just tough having "restrictions" again after having six weeks of being totally together. I have my weak moments where I just yearn for him constantly but I have to pull myself together and get the tough, strong woman back out.

 

I'm not sure why you have to make a comment about me behaving like his mommy. WTH is that? That's totally uncalled for, snarky and just goes to show that you know nothing about me, him, or our relationship! LOL! We are two people that love each other deeply and we support each other on all levels. Where one of us lacks, the other picks up. When one of us is down, the other lifts up. And yes, just like any good woman that loves her man, I want to take good care of him on ALL levels....and he does the same for me...he even cares about what food I'm eating every day and if I'm getting enough sleep...does that make him my daddy? It certainly doesn't make him my child, does it? Geez.

 

Again, I'm not an idiot. I know we have a tough road ahead of us and I have no crystal ball to tell me if it will all have a happy ending or not, but if I didn't think that was a good possibility, I wouldn't be here. We have been through SOOOO much already but we did it with integrity, fidelity and respect and we were able to build even more on a strong foundation. Many times my man gets irked at me for coming to a forum or talking to friends about our relationship because there are so many skeptical people...but I realize it's because there are so many people that are unhappy in their relationships and they hate seeing others happy. They love to plant seeds of doubt because they can't stand the envy they feel inside to see another couple have what they don't have. I know a lot of people can't understand why I chose to stand by him during his darkest days, but I did and I don't regret it. Others can feel free to judge me, but I just hope they never have to walk in those shoes. But just like I did when my son had cancer twice, I tried my hardest to look at the silver lining in a ****ty situation and I'm trying to do the same thing here.

[NeverADullMoment]

Well, I guess she probably sponsored the "honeymoon". But I have to admit that left me puzzled too. Why not going to his home country and stay at the farm, saving the money for the near future?

 

NeverADullMoment, that vacation gave you the chance to have good memories with him as a couple like in a honeymoon, but maybe it was worth it to make it more real, and see the real him in his context.

 

It wasn't a honeymoon or anything close to it (been there, done that). We didn't stay at some fancy resort and spend money like kings. We rarely even ate out. We lived like locals on the island and we did it on purpose to see if it was a place we would want to move to. We made friends there that we had over for drinks and dinner, we went to the movies like a normal couple, we cooked, cleaned, did laundry, went grocery shopping, had sex, worked out, drove around (even got in a car accident), fought about stupid things, etc etc just like a couple would on a day to day basis.

 

It was also a trip to celebrate his freedom and I'm an island girl so going somewhere with beautiful beaches is like "home" to me. He has never been on a vacation in his life, much less somewhere beautiful and I wanted him to experience that, especially after all the darkness of prison. I also wanted HIM to see ME in my context...loving the sunshine and ocean and island lifestyle.

 

We wanted to be completely alone...away from ANY family and just enjoy each other and make sure we still felt compatible after 20 months of dealing with all the stress and pressure of prison. We had never lived together and we wanted to see how we felt it would work out. I'm SO happy we did it that way because it was so much more real than a short, expensive trip at some resort.

 

Going to the farm would have meant NO privacy (and trust me, we needed that!) and BOTH of us working from sun up to sun down, which he does not want me to have to experience. Not to mention even though the farm and his family are part of his life right NOW, it's not what he wants his life to be...he worked hard to get away from it before and now he's working hard to get away from it again, so WHY on earth would he want to bring the woman he loves in to that environment? He knows me very well and he knows I'm a girly-girl that hates camping. I wouldn't take too kindly to peeing in an outhouse, milking goats, and taking baths in a cold lake. He takes his job as "my protector" VERY seriously and he would never want to see me in those conditions. Yes, he wants me to go out there and meet his family, but he wants to rent an apartment for us (there are no hotels in his hometown) and it would only be for a few days so I can meet everyone and see how he grew up, go to the farm for ONE day (just to see it...not work!) but then we would go somewhere else to travel right away and spend time together.

 

Yes, maybe it would have been more "practical" to not spend a single penny on a trip EVER so we can close the distance quicker, but seriously how many people in a LDR do that? Most of us wind up spending money to take trips to see each other, right? Yes, it cost a pretty penny but I was frugal and also lucky to have some unexpected business come in that helped.

 

Things ARE rough financially but I'm not here to rescue him or be a sugar momma and he knows that. He did borrow some money to provide for about 20% of the costs of the trip and he will work his butt off to repay it. But in the end why does it even matter who paid for the trip, how much it cost, or who has what financial means?

 

And trust me, this man is so real with me that it doesn't matter where he is, I see the "real him" in any context. It's strange to me how you seem to think I don't know him when you don't know me or him...what gives with that? On every level he is the exact same person he showed me the night we met, to six months after we met, to going through prison, to being deported, to our trip and now back home again. He is so consistent and transparent and we know each other like the back of our own hands.

 

Look, I'm not some silly 18 year old girl that met an unknown dude on a nerdy internet gameroom chat board and decided within three days that he is the love of my life and I can't live without him. (sorry to those of you that fit that category). Nor am I some desperate woman that is being scammed by some fat and nasty Eastern European man that actually has a wife and six small screaming children at home and sends him crap loads of money "because I love him". I have been through so much stuff in my life (both good and bad) that it overwhelms a lot of people, but that also means I am able to read people well and I have a lot of life experience. I have plenty of men hitting on me in all age ranges and I know I'm a beautiful woman with a big personality that attracts men. But I fell in love with this man and we are like peanut butter and jelly together...and now we are all stirred up and impossible to separate again.

 

I came on this board to find support, help and ideas for coping with a LDR, not to be judged or to defend my relationship....obviously I KNEW that by sharing my story there would naturally be some questions and skepticism, but this is getting really dumb. I also came on here to share my own suggestions on what has worked for me and my man...even though the circumstances may be different there are MANY similarities since in essence most prison relationships are also LDRs. But honestly this line of questioning as if I'm hiding something or he is hiding something is insulting and rude and I think it's indicative of people that don't really believe in real love. "Real Love" isn't roses and fairytales and constant empty promises of "I'd do anything for you", but it's about hard work and sacrifice. It isn't breaking up every few months and then getting back together. It's sticking together even when you have those bad days when you question EVERYTHING in life and when it seems like no one else believes in you. It's lifting each other up without judgement, being honest even when it hurts, and always keeping in mind what is best for the other person. Thank God me and my man are one of those couples. WE fall in to the category of people that care more about each other's health than each other's looks. We care more about each others financial stability than about what material objects we can buy each other. We care more about what the other person's thoughts and opinions than what any one else in the world thinks. We are a strong team moving forward together...even though we don't know where, what, how or when that is right now, there's no doubt that we are moving towards it together bringing in each person's strengths.

 

I was having some moments of weakness yesterday which brought me to this forum but I think I pretty much wrote my way back out of it, so in some way I guess I can thank you for the snarky comments and questions.

 

La revedere!

[LittleTiger]

NADM, I can understand your frustration with how people here have reacted to what you've told us, but try to bear in mind that some if us have a lot of experience with international LDRs......and we live in Western countries where things are actually easier for us than they will be for you.

 

I have a wonderful relationship with my guy across 11/12,000 miles. You can find info about us in my back posts. We're both in our 40s and we've been going strong for three and a half years, working towards closing the distance in the next 18 months and very happy - apart from the distance. So I feel no bitterness or envy towards you - to be honest it's mostly sympathy because, right now, you don't seem aware of how difficult things are in a LDR when there are so many obstacles to overcome.

 

Unless you are a unique individual, and you have different emotions from the rest of us mortal LDRers on LS, you are going to find it very, very tough. Things will not always go to plan and nor will they happen in your hoped for time frame. Even your other thread about difficulties with phone contact raises huge red flags in my mind. This is just the very beginning. If you were a couple of teenagers or 20 something's dealing with authorities in US or Europe it would be a lot easier for you. As it is, you are seriously up against it. Please don't underestimate the challenge you're facing because that will make it so much harder.

 

I sincerely wish you well, as I do everyone in a LDR, and I'm sure everyone here wishes you well too. You did come here asking for advice though and, for the most part, that will involve people asking questions so they can get a full picture of what's happening for you. We often find on LS that people leave out important details, and we have to probe a little to get the full story. Nobody here is from Moldova, as far as I'm aware, so we can't know exactly what your boyfriend's situation is unless you tell us. We don't know either of you personally, as you say, so you will have to fill us in so that we can understand.

 

I mentioned Island Girl because your situation sounds similar, and reading some of her posts might help you in some way. She was the Queen of LDRs for quite some time here and much of her advice was invaluable, even though her relationship didn't work out in the end.

 

It is wonderful that you and your guy are so close and are planning a new life in a brand new country together. It's wonderful that you are so optimistic too and I hope you stay that way until you can sort things out. All credit to you for hanging in there whilst he was in prison. Just don't kid yourself that the enforced, but fixed and fairly short, period of time apart you've endured so far will bear any resemblance to the unknown quantity you are now facing.

 

I hope that your story has a happy ending and that you will stick around and keep us posted.

[umirano]

I can see him via Skype whereas before it was just phone, and our conversations are not listened to by the government anymore

Skype is owned by Microsoft, which is not exactly a temple of the customers privacy (like all the other big IT firms). I'm pretty sure "the government" has full access to the contents of your communication over Skype. So be careful discussing anything sensitive, e.g. related to his crimes.

[umirano]

because there are so many people that are unhappy in their relationships and they hate seeing others happy. They love to plant seeds of doubt because they can't stand the envy they feel inside to see another couple have what they don't have. I know a lot of people can't understand why I chose to stand by him during his darkest days, but I did and I don't regret it. Others can feel free to judge me, but I just hope they never have to walk in those shoes.

 

Look, you came here to seek advice. Nothing of what the other posters said is offensive. It may be a bit more terse than you like, or a bit more gloomy than you hoped for. But I see no envy, anger or frustration. We all just chime in with the best of our abilities.

 

I'm not envious of your position. Why would I want something negative for you? I don't even know you, or your SO. And I'm fairly certain that's true for the other posters as well. They all carry their burden, I don't think anyone is after you. You two certainly have an impressive history. But us pointing out what we see as big problems doesn't make us judgmental or envious or unhappy.

 

So to sum things up:

 

 

• You need to find a less expensive and more flexible means of communication
  
• Your SO needs to make more money
  
• Obtain Romanian citizenship
  
• The two of you need to decide where to move in together (US are def out of the question?)
  
• Maintain the LDR in the mean time
  
• You will need a solution for your kids for when the distance will be closed
  
• You will need to think about how to maintain family relations when you closed the distance (outside of the US)
  

Are these the problems that you're thinking about?

 

 

All the best

[justwhoiam]

LittleTiger and umirano expressed my very thoughts, with so much better words than I could possibly find. But as your posts were addressed to me, I'd like to add something.

 

You write novels as posts, with a lot of enthusiasm, but we can skim off and get to the core of things.

 

As you've been told, some of us have been around here to read about a lot of LDRs. As regards me, maybe not that much compared to others, but almost one year, and also browsing through old stories. We see the beginning, the issues and the ending, which can either be closing the distance or breaking up. Very very rarely staying friends. Whatever we say is the result of our own judgement depending on the odds your story can work out. It doesn't mean judging you. It means considering the facts and comparing them to other stories that were similar, for whatever reason.

Your love story can be unique, and our impressions might not apply in the end. But chances are we can be correct. How do we know? Because when it's over in a LDR, 99% the posters will come back here and post about what happened, trying to find some comfort, or just to vent out, or not knowing what else to do, being in a miserable state.

For almost any LDR going wrong, we can sort of identify ourselves and fear the worst for us, we can see it coming... and then hope we can make it. There can be the odd bitter comment in this forum, like "I don't understand LDRs" and the like, but it's very rare, and not from me. I tend to be very direct conveying what I think, others might be more diplomatic. But envy doesn't belong this place, as LT explained.

 

it will take a lot of planning and we will both likely have to learn a new language on top of everything.

 

He's working like crazy to have those means. And I know him well enough to know he will get there just as soon as he can. He's been home for just THREE weeks and most of that time he's been on the farm, so I think it's not fair to judge him on three weeks. He has to start off from the ground up again, which trust me makes him SO mad at himself, but it's also lit a fire under him. Yesterday he was cracking 12 pounds of walnuts all day and took them to the market to sell for $70 to apply for some exams he will start taking tomorrow for his Master's Degree.

...

he wants me to focus on my own financial issues that have nothing to do with him.

...

I'm not sure why you think he wouldn't be as willing to put as much effort in to the relationship as me.

Please read all the parts in bold very carefully.

 

Tonight he told me again that he's working on it and that I have to be patient and trust him. He said he would talk to me on Skype all day if he could, but he has to make something happen NOW for his financial survival. He said I have to do a better job at separating our love from the things we need to do financially right now. He's right...talking to me longer and being all romantic and mushy instead of looking for a job and trying to build a future isn't going to help us in the long run, it will hurt us. And it's not like we will be going days or weeks without ANY contact (occasionally could be up to a day and a half or so).

So far, you have confirmed all of our thoughts. You need to make all the calls to him (the burden is only yours now and for a long while), you need not to miss him when he can't talk, he'll be working and studying, and has no means. Actually, he's in debt, because he has to give money back to his friend for the trip he had with you. Who knows if his parents know about that... that part of the money he'll get from the farm will disappear before their eyes; instead of being a help in the farm, he might drain their finances even more (communication with you, food, authority papers, master's degree, whatnot). 3 weeks and he has already warned you that the pace you want for communication is not good for him. In short, you can't be that clingy and call him twice a day. But you have expectations already, and are crying at night because he's far away. And it's not like he's around the corner. I'm not sure how far away he was when he was in jail, but probably within the same State. Now he's thousands of miles away, across the ocean, with at least a 6-hour time difference, in a country where visits can be difficult for you and are totally impossible for him.

 

I guess I'm learning how to be adaptable and I need to look more at the positives and stop whining so much. It's just tough having "restrictions" again after having six weeks of being totally together. I have my weak moments

...

I'm not sure why you have to make a comment about me behaving like his mommy.

Because you must put in all the effort, calling him, putting the money for the calls, or whatever is needed. If he needs extra $200 to speed up his paper process and he hasn't got the money, would you wait for him to get that money (which might mean a delay of months) or would you give him the money just to close the distance ASAP? You sent the laptops, you are looking for ways so that he can be in touch with you, because you're afraid he gets caught up in his work with no free time to search... But he's telling you to slow down and give him space. How long can you endure that? And behave like a caring mommy? What we tried to tell you is when things are so unbalanced in a couple, the stress will hit the ceiling. You can pretend you're fine with whatever comes your way, and accept everything, but you'd be fooling yourself. You have needs too. You have needs that won't be met. And this is not something you can solve with a chat and letting him know... On the contrary, you need to lower your expectations on all levels. At that point, feelings might get mild. This is all in your cards because of the situation you're in. But that doesn't mean you won't be successful. It just means it will be extremely hard.

 

When one of us is down, the other lifts up. And yes, just like any good woman that loves her man, I want to take good care of him on ALL levels....and he does the same for me...

How will he lift you up? You just need to swallow your tears and pretend you're happy, not to get him depressed when you talk to him. Because if he got to know you cry and are all sad, that might wear him out and decide it's not worth it and that you deserve better. Just like he already did, for different reasons. How can he take good care of you? He can't even get in touch with you. If you don't call him, he'll wait for when you call him. He surely won't use his relatives' money, or spend his first earnings on a cell phone and cell phone traffic and all the gadgets (PC, cam, etc.).

 

It wasn't a honeymoon or anything close to it (been there, done that).

...

It was also a trip to celebrate his freedom and I'm an island girl so going somewhere with beautiful beaches is like "home" to me. He has never been on a vacation in his life

...

We wanted to be completely alone...away from ANY family and just enjoy each other

...

Going to the farm would have meant NO privacy (and trust me, we needed that!) and BOTH of us working from sun up to sun down, which he does not want me to have to experience. Not to mention even though the farm and his family are part of his life right NOW, it's not what he wants his life to be...he worked hard to get away from it before and now he's working hard to get away from it again, so WHY on earth would he want to bring the woman he loves in to that environment? He knows me very well and he knows I'm a girly-girl that hates camping. I wouldn't take too kindly to peeing in an outhouse, milking goats, and taking baths in a cold lake. He takes his job as "my protector" VERY seriously and he would never want to see me in those conditions. Yes, he wants me to go out there and meet his family, but he wants to rent an apartment for us

I see a contradiction there. I'm not sure if everyone will agree with me on this, but I would have loved to meet his parents and family. And see where he grew up and see him in his own environment. The privacy thing doesn't make much sense, as you clearly stated you would have spent only ONE day at the farm and renting a place anyway. He was away from home for years and was not working there, and I fail to see how any of you would be compelled to work there as soon as you show up at the farm. Actually this doesn't really make sense. He's ashamed of where he comes from, and you think of yourself like the princess and the pea, which is not helping him being comfortable with his current situation. I've been like 70 miles from the Moldova border years ago, and rural places there were quite awsome. And I'm not a typical camper either. I even slept in a farm. Sure, they used to bury people in their own garden during Winter when they were practically isolated, and that was quite scary, but really impressive for the rest. Very peaceful and out of space and time. I'm not sure if it's like that anymore...

 

Anyway, you mentioned you don't want to be in your own bubble, but this is what you wanted so far.

 

Yes, maybe it would have been more "practical" to not spend a single penny on a trip EVER so we can close the distance quicker, but seriously how many people in a LDR do that? Most of us wind up spending money to take trips to see each other, right? Yes, it cost a pretty penny but I was frugal and also lucky to have some unexpected business come in that helped.

 

Things ARE rough financially but I'm not here to rescue him or be a sugar momma and he knows that. He did borrow some money to provide for about 20% of the costs of the trip

That means you had to pay for your trip and 80% of his share.

 

why does it even matter who paid for the trip, how much it cost, or who has what financial means?

It doesn't. Don't write a novel, though, on how he takes good care of you. But let me say something now that probably won't be pleasant to hear (ehm, read, in this case). He spent time in jail for bank fraud, that means: he needed money he didn't have (for whatever reason, be it living above his means, or for some otherwise unattainable project, etc.), and as soon as he gets out he borrows money for a 6-week vacation. To me it's a big red flag.

 

And trust me, this man is so real with me that it doesn't matter where he is, I see the "real him" in any context. It's strange to me how you seem to think I don't know him when you don't know me or him...what gives with that? On every level he is the exact same person he showed me the night we met, to six months after we met, to going through prison, to being deported, to our trip and now back home again. He is so consistent and transparent and we know each other like the back of our own hands.

Please read all this very carefully. It is really excessive. And I'm not sure if you think you've always known him like the back of your hand (which was not true obviously, as you had no idea what he was up to while dating you), or you think he didn't change an inch since when you met him the first time (which would be equally bad as he was stealing at the time). So no, he was not transparent. You were in the dark. You can think positive and be sure he won't keep you in the dark about anything anymore. We can still have a doubt or two about that.

 

I am able to read people well and I have a lot of life experience. I have plenty of men hitting on me in all age ranges and I know I'm a beautiful woman with a big personality that attracts men.

I can tell you have a big ego. I don't know about the rest. But it looks like intuition didn't serve you well, when it would have come in handy.

 

I came on this board to find support, help and ideas for coping with a LDR

You can come here for support and help. Ideas for coping? This is my personal opinion: coping can get very hard for you. I know it would be for me, because I need him to want me. I need him to want it as much as I do. I need to know he feels like calling me and getting in touch with me. Maybe you're a stronger woman, but chances are you'll be very hurting for the lack of communication, the unbalance of your needs and his needs, and feeling unloved. So I just say: be prepared.

 

You don't need to talk wonders about him or your relationship. We all think our partner's the best. Please don't waste your time defending yourself on this board. We are seeing your situation through different eyes. You should keep note and then see what happens. If everything will go great, we'll be happy for you.

 

I was having some moments of weakness yesterday which brought me to this forum but I think I pretty much wrote my way back out of it, so in some way I guess I can thank you for the snarky comments and questions.

You're welcome. Edited May 28, 2013 by justwhoiam

[umirano]

I bow down in respect. justwhoiam, this post is a piece of poetry. Elegantly and precisely you pointed out everything that seemed odd to me too. I admire your detail orientation and your precision.

 

And you don't even know whether she'll come back and take advantage of the insights you offer. That's true altruism. Altruism can be hurtful though, as the OP's last post shows. Anyway, I think you deserve utmost respect for this work. I wish every time I needed such insightful advice in my life, I could find someone who could give it to me and takes 20 min to write it down.

[bluegreen]

I did not buy this story at all Umirano but just as you I admire our girl

[TMichaels]

I did not buy this story at all Umirano but just as you I admire our girl

 

Truth is often stranger than fiction. bluegreen.

 

Though "novel-esque," what was posted here was really just the "Cliff's Notes" version. Google an abbreviated version of the OP's handle along with keywords that would be appropriate given the information that was shared and you'll see what I mean.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[bluegreen]

Truth is often stranger than fiction. bluegreen.

 

Though "novel-esque," what was posted here was really just the "Cliff's Notes" version. Google an abbreviated version of the OP's handle along with keywords that would be appropriate given the information that was shared and you'll see what I mean.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

 

My mind is scattered today am sorry can you explain that again ?