New here...long story.

[TMichaels]

...Elegantly and precisely you pointed out everything that seemed odd to me too...

 

Agree, but you may have missed a few more...

 

 

• "Her man" is back in his home country three weeks after being incarcerated/detained for 20 months and deported from the US for bank fraud and the first thing he does is crack enough walnuts on the family farm to raise 70 bucks to enroll himself in a Master's Degree program???
  

 

• "Her man" doesn't have electricity at the family farm so sure... Let's ship him TWO laptops to bridge the communication gap!!!
  

 

• "I'm just a normal middle-class woman with kids, a minivan and a small business..." (and an ex-husband that lives in the basement, at least three children, two at home, one of which is still a minor, one of which who has battled childhood cancer twice, and a considerably younger, convicted felon of a bf from a Third-World country who was thrown out and banned from the USA permanently who, unlike everything else in her life, is *real.*)
  

Okaaaayy... Run that last one by me again? I'm having a hard time with the "normal" bit. Oh, and yeah... the "real" part, too...

 

Best,

TMichaels

[TMichaels]

My mind is scattered today am sorry can you explain that again ?

 

Nope. Give it another go when your brain-fade clears. All and everything you need to know will become apparent.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[bluegreen]

U are cruel

[NeverADullMoment]

Nothing of what the other posters said is offensive.

 

Being referenced as his mommy is offensive. And was said again. It's an ignorant reference.

 

So to sum things up:

 

 

• You need to find a less expensive and more flexible means of communication
  
• Your SO needs to make more money
  
• Obtain Romanian citizenship
  
• The two of you need to decide where to move in together (US are def out of the question?)
  
• Maintain the LDR in the mean time
  
• You will need a solution for your kids for when the distance will be closed
  
• You will need to think about how to maintain family relations when you closed the distance (outside of the US)
  

Are these the problems that you're thinking about?

 

Yes, except for the issue about children. My the time we close the distance there will be no kids at home. Maintaining relations with my family will not be an issue. It doesn't matter if I'm living in Texas or Spain....

[NeverADullMoment]

There were a lot of details that I left out because I KNOW I write a lot and I didn't want to make things longer. I'm sorry if you think there are inconsistencies but the truth is some of you misread what I wrote, didn't understand it, twisted my words, put your own snarky spin on things, or are getting confused because it IS a complex situation and/or there were things I left out because I didn't think it was relevant at the time. I'm too busy to try to explain EVERY detail of what is going on.

 

But I will say I am NOT the only one making an effort to communicate. There IS electricity in the family home and their village...there is just no electricity on the farm (two different places). When he is at the family home, he goes to a neighbor's house that has internet to send me messages on Facebook to check on me and to ask me to call if it's not at a "regular" time (or like the other day when I was being a brat and missed our call time and he was worried sick...). But most days we talk on the phone twice per day at scheduled times...but some days he can't talk for various reasons (cell phone battery died, has to work, etc.) and THAT is when I get frustrated and its dumb because it's not his fault, it's the situation...I just have to find my patience again. When he's in the city 1-2 nights per week (yes, a third place) he calls me on Skype. I NEVER wrote that he wanted to slow down or needed space or that he can never contact. Again, my words being twisted.

 

Thankfully when he gets the laptop things will get much better and that will happen very soon. And he is researching what phone will be the best for him to get as soon as he is able to. In the meantime I call his sister's phone at 9am and 9pm his time and if there are times I call her phone and he's not there, he usually tells her to have me call someone else's phone who he is with or she tells me when to call back.

 

About the trip...yes I am looking forward to meeting his family and seeing where he's from. But after all we went through, the first thing we wanted to do was reconnect as a couple and celebrate his freedom. It was a beautiful time for us.

 

Again a lot of what I wrote was misinterpreted or misconstrued and I don't have the energy or desire to correct it. Like me being like the Princess and the Pea or having a big ego or being like his mommy...if you knew me that would be laughable...and NOWHERE did I ever say he is ashamed of where he is from. The amount of words being put in my mouth here is pathetic. I guess some of you find that entertaining...I find it immature.

 

I'm just a woman that is missing her man a lot because we just finished a beautiful trip where we were wrapped around each other 24/7 and it's been difficult for me to transition back to being separated. I have no doubt that the road ahead is difficult, but perhaps we have some advantages because we have survived a lot already and we communicate well and are both determined to work this out together.

[NeverADullMoment]

My mind is scattered today am sorry can you explain that again ?

 

He's telling you to go to PrisonTalkOnline and read through hundreds of my posts on there....that's what he/she is telling you in "secret code".

[NeverADullMoment]

and the first thing he does is crack enough walnuts on the family farm to raise 70 bucks to enroll himself in a Master's Degree program???

 

Again, I didn't share ALL the details of his life....good grief! It's also not "the first thing he did", nor the only thing he's done...I was trying to make a point that he's working HARD to try to take care of things himself. He is NOT in the USA and people there have to actually work hard to make ends meet. This is a classic example of an American not understanding how people in other parts of the world live. (smh) And YES, he enrolled in exams to finish his Master's so he can have better options....please tell me what is the problem with that exactly?

 

"Her man" doesn't have electricity at the family farm so sure... Let's ship him TWO laptops to bridge the communication gap!!!

 

As I said before, there is electricity in the family home. Just not on the farm. How about asking a question if something doesn't make sense instead of making comments that make you look ignorant?

 

"I'm just a normal middle-class woman with kids, a minivan and a small business..." (and an ex-husband that lives in the basement, at least three children, two at home, one of which is still a minor, one of which who has battled childhood cancer twice, and a considerably younger, convicted felon of a bf from a Third-World country who was thrown out and banned from the USA permanently who, unlike everything else in her life, is *real.*)

 

Do you feel better about yourself now? I'm sure everything in your life is puppy dogs and roses....congratulations on that! I'm SURE your life will never throw you curve balls.

[NeverADullMoment]

I have a wonderful relationship with my guy across 11/12,000 miles. You can find info about us in my back posts. We're both in our 40s and we've been going strong for three and a half years, working towards closing the distance in the next 18 months and very happy - apart from the distance. So I feel no bitterness or envy towards you - to be honest it's mostly sympathy because, right now, you don't seem aware of how difficult things are in a LDR when there are so many obstacles to overcome.

 

I'm happy to hear that things are going well for you and that you are closing the distance soon. I AM aware that there will be a lot of difficulties. We began to discuss a lot of the challenges we will face many months before his release but I'm sure there are things I haven't thought of and situations that will arise along the way that we will have to deal with. And yes, I realize it will be SOOO much more difficult with such a long distance, his inability to visit here, and all of the technological and cultural challenges. Even going through our prison experience was unique because ultimately we had to face the fact that he wasn't going to be coming home to me. I had a WONDERFUL group of women online (at the forum that TMichaels so "smartly" wanted to point out to everyone) that were very supportive and gave me practical advice along the way, but I have to admit it was HARD to hear women celebrating their loved one's home coming when I knew that wouldn't happen for us. However on the flip side, there were also women who knew their bf/spouse would never even be free, so things can ALWAYS be worse.

 

Unless you are a unique individual, and you have different emotions from the rest of us mortal LDRers on LS, you are going to find it very, very tough. Things will not always go to plan and nor will they happen in your hoped for time frame. Even your other thread about difficulties with phone contact raises huge red flags in my mind. This is just the very beginning. If you were a couple of teenagers or 20 something's dealing with authorities in US or Europe it would be a lot easier for you. As it is, you are seriously up against it. Please don't underestimate the challenge you're facing because that will make it so much harder.

 

Well I think some of my life experiences have helped me develop some different ways of thinking, and yet I have the same emotions, insecurities and fears just like anyone else. Thankfully the phone situation is temporary and our communication will improve here shortly. I'm not sure why being teenagers or 20-somethings dealing with authorities would make things easier? If anything I think being older helps by having more maturity and experience to deal with serious issues. I definitely don't think this is rainbows and unicorns which is why I was having such a hard time the other day. I have times where I'm excited thinking about moving to another country and then times when it terrifies me...and I know it's the same for him.

 

I sincerely wish you well, as I do everyone in a LDR, and I'm sure everyone here wishes you well too. You did come here asking for advice though and, for the most part, that will involve people asking questions so they can get a full picture of what's happening for you. We often find on LS that people leave out important details, and we have to probe a little to get the full story. Nobody here is from Moldova, as far as I'm aware, so we can't know exactly what your boyfriend's situation is unless you tell us. We don't know either of you personally, as you say, so you will have to fill us in so that we can understand.

 

That makes sense and I appreciate your comments and questions...the difference being that you are actually being respectful. I get short tempered with people that instantly start asking judgmental questions...its like the second I hear the old "well do you REALLY know this guy?" stuff then I know exactly where it's heading. I realize I have very different circumstances than most people, but I'm sure many people here that have been in LDRs for any significant time get tired of hearing some of the doubtful or hurtful questions and comments too. And yes, I've left out a lot of details because there is a LOT of information to process and has already happened, things get easily misconstrued and I'm getting tired of correcting/defending/etc. I guess it makes me want to throw my hands in the air and say forget it with forums like this. I didn't come here asking if I should question my relationship or not....there is NO doubt about us being solid and I don't feel I have to defend that....I came here looking for ideas and discussions on dealing with the daily challenges of an LDR.

 

I mentioned Island Girl because your situation sounds similar, and reading some of her posts might help you in some way. She was the Queen of LDRs for quite some time here and much of her advice was invaluable, even though her relationship didn't work out in the end.

 

One thing I learned on the prison forum was to be careful about comparing stories. There are some terrible horror stories and you can very easily get sucked in to them and start questioning your relationship for no reason. I mean on one hand it's good to know what possible things could happen that you might not have considered, but at what point do you realize your partner doesn't fit that "mold" and its unfair to question him or her? I found that feeds insecurity and mistrust and does no good to a relationship. So for me personally I will try to stay away from stories of lying and cheating and terrible endings not because I want to put my head in the sand, but because I don't think it's healthy to compare my relationship to other people's train wrecks. While we have issues with immigration, that may be where the similarities end. However I do appreciate you directing me towards her posts and I will take a peek when I get a few minutes and see if there's anything there I can glean.

 

It is wonderful that you and your guy are so close and are planning a new life in a brand new country together. It's wonderful that you are so optimistic too and I hope you stay that way until you can sort things out. All credit to you for hanging in there whilst he was in prison. Just don't kid yourself that the enforced, but fixed and fairly short, period of time apart you've endured so far will bear any resemblance to the unknown quantity you are now facing.

 

Oh I'm not always optimistic, trust me! LOL!! And I'm glad that this separation will bear no resemblance to prison. That is an experience I would never wish on anyone. From the outside looking in it might seem like it would be easy, but it was VERY hard and we had to pass through some extremely difficult and emotional times together. HOWEVER, I think because we went through that time together it really developed our relationship on a much deeper level and it built our faith, loyalty and trust...and believe me I have a TOUGH time trusting anyone! We still both have issues with occasional jealousy and that is one thing that has changed for me...I obviously didn't have to worry about him having much access to women while in there! And yet I quickly remind myself of a million things about him and my mind is at ease. But I think with anyone in an LDR one of the biggest fears is the other person moving on with their life in a different path and/or another person coming along and filling their needs and replacing you. I have no false idea that it couldn't happen to us...we are not made out of Kryptonite! But there is no reason to waste time worrying about it if its something that ultimately happens then I can't control it.

 

I hope that your story has a happy ending and that you will stick around and keep us posted.

 

I hope it's a happy ending too. I'm not so sure I'll be sticking around though. So far I feel like a fish out of water and it seems like this is mostly about breakups and negative stuff instead of positive, uplifting support.

[LittleTiger]

I'm happy to hear that things are going well for you and that you are closing the distance soon. I AM aware that there will be a lot of difficulties. We began to discuss a lot of the challenges we will face many months before his release but I'm sure there are things I haven't thought of and situations that will arise along the way that we will have to deal with. And yes, I realize it will be SOOO much more difficult with such a long distance, his inability to visit here, and all of the technological and cultural challenges. Even going through our prison experience was unique because ultimately we had to face the fact that he wasn't going to be coming home to me. I had a WONDERFUL group of women online (at the forum that TMichaels so "smartly" wanted to point out to everyone) that were very supportive and gave me practical advice along the way, but I have to admit it was HARD to hear women celebrating their loved one's home coming when I knew that wouldn't happen for us. However on the flip side, there were also women who knew their bf/spouse would never even be free, so things can ALWAYS be worse.

 

You have clearly gone through a lot to get to this point - unlike some people here, I do believe what you've said. The prison forum that TMichaels directed us towards was actually beneficial in that respect. I read some of your posts and, whilst I don't know if I would have stuck around in your situation, I can empathise with how difficult it must have been for you. TMichaels is actually a poster I have a lot of respect for but he isn't always right! None of us are - we just go with our gut instincts.

 

Well I think some of my life experiences have helped me develop some different ways of thinking, and yet I have the same emotions, insecurities and fears just like anyone else. Thankfully the phone situation is temporary and our communication will improve here shortly. I'm not sure why being teenagers or 20-somethings dealing with authorities would make things easier? If anything I think being older helps by having more maturity and experience to deal with serious issues. I definitely don't think this is rainbows and unicorns which is why I was having such a hard time the other day. I have times where I'm excited thinking about moving to another country and then times when it terrifies me...and I know it's the same for him.

 

A lot of posters here are younger and without responsibilities that tie them to their home country. For some, being very young is a major obstacle because they don't have the means to visit one another. However, for others, if you have no children, no business ties, no property ie no roots other than parental ties, it makes things a little easier when it comes to a big move across the world. I agree that being older brings maturity and perhaps an ability to cope better with the practical and emotional challenges of a LDR but there are complications which younger people don't have to worry about and which, ultimately, can lead to a much longer LDR than you might be hoping for.

 

That makes sense and I appreciate your comments and questions...the difference being that you are actually being respectful. I get short tempered with people that instantly start asking judgmental questions...its like the second I hear the old "well do you REALLY know this guy?" stuff then I know exactly where it's heading. I realize I have very different circumstances than most people, but I'm sure many people here that have been in LDRs for any significant time get tired of hearing some of the doubtful or hurtful questions and comments too. And yes, I've left out a lot of details because there is a LOT of information to process and has already happened, things get easily misconstrued and I'm getting tired of correcting/defending/etc. I guess it makes me want to throw my hands in the air and say forget it with forums like this. I didn't come here asking if I should question my relationship or not....there is NO doubt about us being solid and I don't feel I have to defend that....I came here looking for ideas and discussions on dealing with the daily challenges of an LDR.

 

I realise that people have said things you didn't want to hear and I can understand that, so far, you may not feel supported in any way by this forum. Try to remember that this forum is a little different from the prison forum you were on previously. LS is a public forum and, although it's primary purpose is support, there are many posters who are here purely for entertainment. Just have a quick look around and you will see what I mean. Almost every poster receives negative, unhelpful comments along with the positive, helpful ones. The prison forum, however, seems to be dedicated to women supporting one another through a particular set of circumstances and I don't imagine that 'outsiders' would have any interest in posting there.

 

Most of the people who post in the LDR section here are in LDRs, but many are not and you will always find, even when someone is trying to offer support that they may be a little harsh in their delivery. I have to admit, I often disagree with justwhoiam, but she has made some very valid points. Perhaps they were lost because you found her approach a little aggressive. I'm sure if you read through again you will see that she means well.

 

You mention your 'short temper', which is also evident on the other forum - especially when you felt misunderstood. If you are going to make this LDR work, a 'short temper' is something you would be better to discard. I used to have a short temper myself but I have learnt, over the years, that it achieves nothing and just winds me up. A lot of people think that LDRs aren't even real relationships and they won't hesitate to tell you so. That doesn't mean you have to pay any attention. So, if you read something on here that you don't like it, or if a particular poster starts to upset you, just let their words brush past you or put them on ignore.

 

One thing I learned on the prison forum was to be careful about comparing stories. There are some terrible horror stories and you can very easily get sucked in to them and start questioning your relationship for no reason. I mean on one hand it's good to know what possible things could happen that you might not have considered, but at what point do you realize your partner doesn't fit that "mold" and its unfair to question him or her? I found that feeds insecurity and mistrust and does no good to a relationship. So for me personally I will try to stay away from stories of lying and cheating and terrible endings not because I want to put my head in the sand, but because I don't think it's healthy to compare my relationship to other people's train wrecks. While we have issues with immigration, that may be where the similarities end. However I do appreciate you directing me towards her posts and I will take a peek when I get a few minutes and see if there's anything there I can glean.

 

It's a sad fact that the vast majority of LDRs don't survive but that doesn't mean that yours won't. I'm 99.9% certain that mine will and you have every right to believe the same of yours - regardless of what other people might think. It's your life, and your risk, not theirs.

 

If you do read Island Girl's story you won't read about any lying or cheating - or even of a terrible ending. On LS she was positive right to the end. Personally, I see her LDR as successful, even though it all went wrong in the end. It was successful for seven years because she worked hard at quelling her insecurities and finding ways to deal with the difficulties that she and her husband faced. The many thousands of posts she wrote were a great help to many people here and I thought, perhaps, they would be to you too - given certain similarities which will become evident if you do choose to look her up.

 

Oh I'm not always optimistic, trust me! LOL!! And I'm glad that this separation will bear no resemblance to prison. That is an experience I would never wish on anyone. From the outside looking in it might seem like it would be easy, but it was VERY hard and we had to pass through some extremely difficult and emotional times together. HOWEVER, I think because we went through that time together it really developed our relationship on a much deeper level and it built our faith, loyalty and trust...and believe me I have a TOUGH time trusting anyone! We still both have issues with occasional jealousy and that is one thing that has changed for me...I obviously didn't have to worry about him having much access to women while in there! And yet I quickly remind myself of a million things about him and my mind is at ease. But I think with anyone in an LDR one of the biggest fears is the other person moving on with their life in a different path and/or another person coming along and filling their needs and replacing you. I have no false idea that it couldn't happen to us...we are not made out of Kryptonite! But there is no reason to waste time worrying about it if its something that ultimately happens then I can't control it.

 

I don't know either of you of course, but if your relationship is solid, 'another person coming along' is probably the least of your worries. My own relationship is what I would describe as 'rock solid', although we've had our fair share of nightmare's including illness (mental and physical), lack of money, family problems and even, at one point, the possibility of 'other people' on both sides. The most dangerous period for us was when our contact time diminished to almost zero - because of money and problems with technology - which seems to be what you are currently facing. That is your number one priority because without regular contact and equal effort on both sides I don't think any LDR can survive.

 

I hope it's a happy ending too. I'm not so sure I'll be sticking around though. So far I feel like a fish out of water and it seems like this is mostly about breakups and negative stuff instead of positive, uplifting support.

 

As I said earlier, there are a few of us here who are happy in our relationships and there are even some whose relationships have gone from LDR to full time. The thing about forums though is that 'happy' people don't start threads looking for advice. We hang about in the background and jump in 'as and when' - sometimes it's to be positive and other times to tell someone they are wasting their time.

 

I'm sure, if you do stick around, once people get to know you and find that you are genuine, you will get lots of helpful support. You will also still get negative comments and people challenging your relationship but that's just how life is. I could even forewarn you about some people who I suspect will get your blood boiling with their 'straight talking' posts, if they decide to intrude on your threads, but it's probably more fun for you to discover them by yourself and work out your own way of dealing with them.

 

If you decide not to stick around, then I genuinely wish you all the best and I hope you can find a way to be together as soon as possible.

 

NB: If your story turns out to be a work of fiction then I look forward to reading the book!

[TMichaels]

I'm sure everything in your life is puppy dogs and roses....congratulations on that! I'm SURE your life will never throw you curve balls.

 

Might be useful and more productive NADM, to take a bit of your own advice...

 

How about asking a question if something doesn't make sense instead of making comments that make you look ignorant?

 

NADM, you came into this forum with guns blazing, defending your relationship from the get-go when no one knew you from Adam. People asked you questions to try and figure out what kind of support or information they might be able to provide and you responded in an increasingly strident and defensive fashion.

 

You accused other posters of making offensive comments, yet you see nothing wrong with saying: "I'm not some silly 18 year old girl that met an unknown dude on a nerdy internet gameroom chat board and decided within three days that he is the love of my life and I can't live without him."

 

Or, "Nor am I some desperate woman that is being scammed by some fat and nasty Eastern European man that actually has a wife and six small screaming children at home and sends him crap loads of money "because I love him".

 

News flash NADM: As Little Tiger has pointed out, the forum you used to frequent and LS are two different animals. There are posters and lurkers here that fit both of the above descriptions and comments like that *are* offensive to others.

 

Yes, I've also read your posts in PTO. You developed quite a reputation and following there. If you want to develop the same sort of fan club on LS then you're going about it all the wrong way.

 

By your own admission, you're an impatient brat, master manipulator, and are good at pushing people's buttons. Quite frankly, I don't understand what you hope to get out of a forum like LS with that attitude and most likely won't find your time here useful as long as you continue on the tack you're on.

 

If you want support or feedback from others here then you need to be open to the questions and suggestions you get. Some of them will have merit, others won't as no, no one ever knows 100% what it's like to walk in another's shoes.

 

But as justwhoiam noted, those who have frequented this forum for a while have seen and heard pretty much everything when it comes LDRs. Their collective experience and knowledge is valuable -- but only if a person is open to hearing, digesting, and learning from it -- as opposed to dismissing it out of hand because "your situation is unique" or the other person "doesn't see it your way."

 

As always, the choice is up to you.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[justwhoiam]

The prison forum that TMichaels directed us towards was actually beneficial in that respect.

After TMichaels' post, I read some of her posts there too, and actually my opinion got even worse. So I can understand his POV.

Sorry to say that. Trying to fraud the state again paying bribes to get some paper saying he's a teacher... Yeah. Maybe I really misread everything. And the way she talks about what happened, trying to lessen it, well, it was criticized there too.

 

Anyway, time to move on. She needs to find out for herself. I wish everyone well of course.

[LittleTiger]

After TMichaels' post, I read some of her posts there too, and actually my opinion got even worse. So I can understand his POV.

Sorry to say that. Trying to fraud the state again paying bribes to get some paper saying he's a teacher... Yeah. Maybe I really misread everything. And the way she talks about what happened, trying to lessen it, well, it was criticized there too.

 

I understand TMichaels' point of view......and I understand your point of view. I also understand NADMs point of view.

 

I don't agree with anyone breaking the law and, like I said, I doubt very much that I would stick around if my guy turned to crime, let alone consider the possibility of joining him in his dishonesty!

 

Yes, she does try to minimise everything and excuse it, but that's not unusual when supporting someone you love. People do the strangest things when they are set on achieving a particular goal. She clearly does love him and the relationship is obviously genuine.

 

However, they have both been punished for what he did and he is now a free man living in his own country - whether he is now living honestly, is not for me to say. I am certainly not going to stand judge and jury over her for choosing to stand by him or for wanting a future with him. That's up to her - if she's prepared to put herself through a long term LDR then she must believe he's worth it.

 

As I recall, your own LDR started when you were both married to other people. It's possible that you are still married as you have never given details of your relationship on LS or talked about your separation divorce. I haven't noticed anyone here giving you a tough time because of it though - it's your life.

 

I'm here to help people with LDR issues and if anybody wants to read/listen I'm happy to impart advice based on my own experiences. I don't think NADM is hurting anybody, except perhaps herself in the long run.