Progress?

[jerryinva]

Hi all...haven't posted in a while.... (I hear that collective sigh of relief)...

 

I did not call her on her trip..she called me Wednesday night, from her trip...I didn't answer...

 

So, she called me the next day at work... I told her I was too busy to chat (which I was.) Then I was off to grad school. We did talk after my class for just a few minutes. Friday...she was really down (he had taken Friday off as well....so he wasn't there at work with her...)

 

Today...she called me three times, saying she wanted to see me... in fact she asked me Thursday night...if she was going to see me this weekend. So, I met her for about 20 minutes this afternoon...but I knew it would be a limited time...because I had to come to work. While we were sitting and talking, he called...she asked him if she could call him back...she said she wanted to spend the last couple of minutes talking to me. I asked her what her plans were for tomorrow...she said she was going into work to catch up, and then she was going to go study with a female classmate for her grad school class. After that, she was going to a movie with him. And..he took all of next week off from his night-time job....

 

But, the ex-fiance wanted to go to a movie tonight with her...but she said she didn't want to... Apparently..he and her are not getting along... I told her that it was cool about tomorrow... I have just realized I would see her, when I see her. She asked me when I was going to meet him, and I didn't answer...

 

SO. I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE NO CONTACT...but I seem to be making some progress...having her asking me when can she see me...is a change from me being desperate...

[johan]

I'm glad you feel better, but I'm afraid this is nothing to congratulate yourself over, Jerry. You have to cut her off and mean it. No middle ground. Be strong, stick to your guns, get this mess out of your life once and for all, and you'll feel better than ever.

[Barby]

OKay Jerry Please answer at least these following questions for me so I can better understand your situation.....

 

----Did you EVER date this girl?

 

-----Was it an "intimate" relationship or just a friendship?

 

------If you dated her, how long did it last??

 

 

Everyone has told you over and over again to do the "no contact" thing and of course no one can force you to take the advice and clearly you haven't so I'd like to try and give you a new perspective on things as long as I can be clear about your situation......

 

 

You mentioned an ex-fiance, and now a new boyfriend...do you think it's healthy to be chasing a girl who's in and out of relationships so much??

[jerryinva]

Ok....maybe I am confused....I have made her call me for at least the last week, not the other way around. So how am I chasing her?

[Barby]

how come you won't answer the questions?? I'm just curious so I can get a clearer opinion for giving you advice that you're seeking!

[LuvHurtsme]

Jerry get over this chick, it's hard, and it sucks. She's not coming back she cares about you and only wants you there for the sake of friendship. Second chances are a rarity few ever come by. I swear man, there's someone out there just like her, but better, and is waiting for you. Go find her. God blessa.

 

-Luvhurtsme

[jerryinva]

Yes... I did date this girl.

It was more than a friendship.

We dated for about two months...

[pixiegrrl28]

You only dated for about two months? You are way too obsessed with this girl for only dating for two months!

[Velveteel]

I think the previous poster is right that your feelings are out of proportion to the time that you two dated. Nevertheless, I'm sure we've all been obsessed with someone and can understand what you're going through.

 

It's good that you're stepping back a little. It shows self-control, and she clearly enjoys being with you when you aren't pressuring her.

 

This doesn't change the basic situation, though. You care more for her than she does for you. You want a romantic connection, and she seems to want only friendship. She's got a new boyfriend, as well as an ex-fiance in the picture. It's possible that she has trouble letting go of people, too. Think about what will be good for you in the long run. Do you want to be hanging on her every word for the next two years, and counting the days between phone calls or visits? Do you want to be her "friend" and hear all about the men she wants to sleep with and be with rather than you? What's your goal here?

 

If you want to get back together with her, it doesn't look good. She would not talk so casually with you about other men if she still wanted a place in your heart. Also, she's said she's not interested.

 

If you want a friendship, I think you need to take even more steps back. You are far too romantically attached to her to build a genuine friendship. That might take years. But you need at least six months of very little contact--and dating other women--to get to that point.

[lost_in_chgo]

hehehehehe,

two months....geez.

 

Why is she even calling you?

 

Hey wait...do you work for a answering service?

Is she one of the customers?

 

Is she the receptionist at a phrink's office?

 

hmmmm

I'm telling you all this is a scam.

[Notorious]

Originally posted by lost_in_chgo

hehehehehe,

two months....geez.

 

Why is she even calling you?

 

Hey wait...do you work for a answering service?

Is she one of the customers?

 

Is she the receptionist at a phrink's office?

 

hmmmm

I'm telling you all this is a scam.

 

It's either a scam or it's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard.

 

2 months? WTF?

 

I bet he never even had sex with this girl.

 

You really should consider seeking professional help...although the shrink might get as frustrated as everyone here.

 

You have serious issues.

[soooconfused]

Originally posted by jerryinva

Yes... I did date this girl.

It was more than a friendship.

We dated for about two months...

 

holy **** dude...i have seen all of your posts, i had no clue they were about some chick you dated for 2 months!!! in one of my previous posts i said you need to go get laid, i still stand by that....also, you really need to get some help...there is no reason whatsoever to be so obsessed with someone you were with for only 2 months...this is borderline psychotic behavior.....

[jerryinva]

For those of you who have followed the whole story...probably understand better...

 

For those of you who haven't...I am not going to go into the tedious details of how the last two years have been.

 

It is obvious that people on this board are becoming extremely frustrated with me...

 

 

So...I will cease posting.

 

 

For those of you who have tried to help, thank you.

 

For those of you who have done nothing but criticize and judge...you can go to hell.

[johan]

For those of you who have done nothing but criticize and judge...you can go to hell.

I second that.

[jerryinva]

Thanks Johan...sorry to be rude... but, I am a real person, who is feeling resl pain...and I guess just isn't as emotional concrete as some people are on here... if they have all of the answers, why are THEY here?

[dcgent45]

I am hear because I get a kick reading your posts...when I think the story can't get any worse...it does. You only dated this girl for 2 months and then you have been hounding her for years. Dude, why are you even pursuing this. From all your previous posts, I thought maybe you had dated her for years on end. But two months...that is unreasonable really...you can tell us to go to hell, but from what I have read in the past on this site...most people are here and respond with caring and respect. The reason why people get nasty with you, is because maybe it is the only way to get through...soon enough...the new people that are unfamiliar with your story will get the same way. seriously...keep posting...it makes me laugh and cringe and laugh some more...I think I might just write a movie script on this...it would for sure be a comedy...but lets hope it doesn't have a deadly twist, as you seem to be the stalking type.... 2 months....that is ridiculous...grow up man...your 36...you shouldn't have even been like this 20 years ago when you were 16. You need help...you need it bad.... Go out and make some friends or something. LIke I posted before...DC is a great place to live...go out and experience it and quit obsessing over this freak of nature.

[Barby]

Jerry why do you continue to care so much about what other people say?? If you feel posting here helps you then do it no matter what anyone says.

 

It is something that sounds totally abnormal to someone who's not in "your" situation....some posters were very harsh towards you and in some ways I can see why. On the other hand no matter what any of us say you'll do as you feel you need to do.

 

 

Yes you backed off calling her, she came around and started calling, but JERRY it sounds like she just wants you as a friend. It doesn't appear that she's going to "fall" in love with you as you seem to be with her.

 

Furthermore what is more sad is that you can not come to comprehend that this girl has you on a leash like a dog?!! Do you see yourself as a dog??!!! I doubt that you do and can't understand how you'd let anyone treat you this way.

 

You ARE chasing her no matter if she calls you, you begged and cried and made her feel pity on you (remember your past posts??!!) I have a strong feeling that it is the only reason she keeps you around is because she feels bad for you. You won't really leave her alone, what is a girl to do. You basically forced her into a spot that isn't healthy for either of you.

 

You stopped calling her and she called you, (knowing the way you sound you probably threatened suicide as you did on here to her several times) she probably felt bad and needed (for her own peice of mind) to call and check on you.

 

 

You seriously need to seek therapy you are VERY CO-DEPENDENT on this girl, if there comes a day that she no longer speaks with you, stands firm on her choice then I can almost guarantee that you'd start out okay with another girl and end up the same way.

 

You are in grad-school you should be able to handle yourself on a more mature, self independent level. If you've tried "personal" ads, maybe try something else, join some groups or something that have people that have your interests..I'm sure you're not a bad guy and you're probably not so unattractive that you couldn't meet a good girl but you've got to take a step back and give the person room to breathe and make up their own mind about you without the pressure of you trying to be there all the time!

[jerryinva]

Thank you for your thoughts... I have some thinking to do... I guess.

[johan]

I think it's lame of her to tell you to get out of her life, and then call you right up to make sure everything is ok. You have to realize if she really cared about you she'd just leave you alone and let you move on. It's a brutal cycle you're in. One of you needs to break it and move on to something else. You and she both have some thinking to do.

 

No one here can give her any advice, but we can give it to you. In case you haven't heard it enough: cut the cord, Jerry. Time to take control so you can be happy about stuff. All this obsessing about her is just causing you to waste your life.

 

Why can't you do it? Have you asked yourself that? What is it you're hanging on to that's so great anyway? All I've seen you write about is pain. That's all you've gotten from her for months now. What needs of yours is she meeting? None. What do you really expect a relationship to be like? Compare that to what you have. What you have sucks. Maybe you can get pissed about that.

[NatoPMT]

Hi Jerry. I want you to read this, and answer my post in full.

 

Don’t post about what she said and then what you said back etc.

 

Even if you disagree, I won’t be offended, it wont make anyone think any less of you, we actually want to help you so just respond to each numbered part with how you feel about what I have said.

 

1) Do you want your life to get better?

2) Do you want to feel happier?

 

Please post your answers to my first 2 questions

 

It sounds as though you are making some progress, sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can start taking control of your life. We are proud of you every time you don’t call her, everyone here knows how hard it is to cope with the pain of a break up, especially when she keeps you just enough within arms reach to give constant, low level hope to your cause.

 

f you respond to this information, and post asking for advice on how to recover, we will be here for you every step of the way.

 

I understand you have had things hard, but you seem to enjoy giving up control, so my challenge to you is this….

 

3) Give up control to someone who knows what to do with it. Hand yourself over to someone who can make your life better. Then soon you will be able to take control off them, off her and live your life according to you.

4) If you genuinely enjoy feeling this way, then admit it to all on LS and allow them just to listen. If you actually want to help yourself…

5) CoDa is short for codependants anon. They have meetings in Virginia in: Dahlgren, VA, Falls Church, VA, Fishersville, VA, Fredericksburg, VA, Hampton, VA, Norfolk, VA, Richmond, VA, Roanoke, VA, Virginia Beach, VA

 

More details on these meetings can be found at:

 

http://www.coda.org/coda/searchmeetings.asp

 

Their website is

 

http://www.codependents.org/

 

and features information about their recovery programmes. This will also give you the opportunity to meet others who understand you and give you some focus in your life that is about you.

6) When you post back, tell us if you have looked at the CoDa website, and what your thoughts were on reading about CoDa. Have a good look round the site and get as much info as you can – then come and tell us about it. This is 5 mins out of your life – take those 5 mins to look at CoDa and then make me happy by telling me your thoughts.

 

Look at this info and come back and post about it, you will make everyone here very happy indeed. Now that would be a good feeling. I know nothing about co-dependancy so id like you to educate me as to how you feel inside, not how you feel about her, I know all that after reading all your threads, but how YOU feel about YOURSELF.

 

Does anyone else have any info that might help Jerry? Not just advising him to get help, but how to do it, phone numbers, websites, addresses any other organisations that can offer him free help?

 

No one here can give her any advice

 

I personally would like to have a few words with her….

 

BB