Overstressed in a new marriage

[Gooseman]

Me an my wife have been together for 4 years and we have a 1 yr old daughter which we both love to death. Originally when we first met she had a very short fuse with other people, and would get violent for just bumping into her. We also seemed to fight about the smallest things (saying that a person on a TV show was hot) which I learned that if it meant a lot to her, then it meant a lot to me. And I would be understanding about it. I used to be, and pretty much still am, a very mellow guy, who is also passive. It drove her crazy that I avoided my problems. I never talked about my feelings, and was closed off about my personal life, that is until I met her. I have horrible communication issues that I have tried to work out through the years. Fast forward to today, she is a stay at home mom, and I work as much as I can to take care of the bills. I come home late and sometimes have to work weekends. I try the best I can to spend time with my daughter and wife. I feel stressed out because of three things. I am the breadwinner, and my job is to bring home the bacon. But when I come home I'm also in charge of cleaning (dishes, vacuuming, bathroom, changing diapers, ect) and I still try to run a side business and workout when I can. Number two, it seems like the sex has dropped off a lot. Which is a little understandable to me because we don't do too much as far as romance. I try to cook and go out to restaurants, bars and clubs, but it is difficult when she doesn't trust almost no one to watch our daughter. Number three, when she talks to me I feel disrespected sometimes. Its just the way she says things, the tone and when she raises her voice just because I asked what she said because I didn't hear her, or if I take too long to do something like finding a specific pair of jeans in the dryer for my daughter. I try to think its all in my head but the more she talks that way the more it gets under my skin. I still love her, she still does a fantastic job of taking care of my daughter, and cooking for me whenever she can. I assumed that because she stayed home everyday for the last 2 years or so that life could get boring at times, and since money is tight I can't exactly shower her with gifts and getaways, but I still do whenever I can. She has told me she is depressed. I told her today that the way she talks to me seems "mean". I should of said that I feel disrespected, but we have already fought about that. I am at a point where I just want to talk, but she doesn't. Our roles have changed ever since we met. I was the quiet one keeping things in, but now if I bring up something she gets passive, and says she doesn't care, but still gives me the cold shoulder. I am known to overreact and over think issues. Can anyone give me advice about anything? Sorry for the long post.

[Gooseman]

I also forgot to mention that she has also mellowed out very much since we first met, and definitely since the birth of our daughter.

[RedHead33]

Tell her to find a part time job.

Dear God, you are supporting a family yet have to come home to cook and clean.

[findingnemo]

You are disrespected. Big time. I agree that she should get a job. That will give her something to think about and less to criticize.

 

Regarding how she speaks to you, simply ignore her and walk away when she uses a disrespectful tone or words. DO NOT do what she says at that time. There are other ways to fight super aggressive people - silence. Tell her you will only speak with her when she is respectful and that you too will give her respect at all times. The approach is a bit passive aggressive but it seems to me your W has boundary issues.

 

Create a schedule of chores giving each of you days you cook and clean. Take charge of your home. Your W has become a bully!!!

[HokeyReligions]

I disagree. You don't need to be playing games. Get some help with communication skills by getting some counseling. Also get checked out medically depression is serious. It won't be a quick fix and hopefully she will agree to counseling. My huusband and I went thru some experiences too - and depression played a part -that almost brought us to divorce. We found a pay what you can licensed therapist that helped and later found help thru my company's EAP. It took some time but we learned how to communicate better. It sounds like some outside professional help would benefit you both. Please don't play the "she did THIS so I'll do THAT" games. You will only hurt both of you.

 

Good luck and take care of yourself.