How to proceed with separated man???

[daisybuchanan55]

Hi there! I originally posted this in the Dating forum but was advised to see what kind of response I got over here. Apologies if you've already read it

 

Thanks for taking the time to respond to this--it's all I've been able to think about and is starting to not only drive me crazy, but give me actual anxiety.

 

I went on an amazing first date with a man who is 12 years older than me about ten days ago. I was a bit apprehensive given the age difference, but we ended up talking for seven hours and finding out we have more in common than I have with any man ever before. We laughed, learned about each other, just had AMAZING chemistry. He was honest about his situation without dwelling on his ex and seemed intent on moving forward, talking about fun dates he wanted to plan. Over and over again he said how much fun he was having and I knew he was being sincere. We kissed and he was a perfect gentleman. I can honestly say it was the best date I've been on in years. He showered me with compliments and made me feel more special than any man ever has. Despite his marriage failing (they were married young) I respect his handling of the situation and the fact he did not say cruel things about his wife. He's the kind of guy who, if you're going to get a divorce, you'd want to be divorced from.

 

He told me before we went out he has four kids and that divorce was the next step for him and his wife. He had moved out of his house just the day before our date.

 

After our date he dropped me off and immediately texted to thank me for going out with him. He continued to initiate texts for three days after the date while I was out of town on business.

 

Then, out of no where, in the middle of a fun, pleasant text conversation...it stopped. MIA! I have not heard from him in a week.

 

My mind is racing with possibilities. Was he lying to me and is actually still married and cheating on his wife? Is he getting back together with her? Is he worried about his feelings for me? Concerned I'm too young/don't like him enough (I was responding to most of his texts enthusiastically but trying to remain "cool")?

 

I had such a great time with him and am positive he had a good time with me. Given my theories, should I leave him alone completely or send a "How are you?" breezy text to let him know I'm thinking of him? My thought is that even if he's in the middle of some turmoil or a recconciliation and does not respond, it will leave a positive impression when/if his marriage ends and he won't feel awkward contacting me later on, or will give him a sign that I'm into him.

 

Again, I am 12 years younger and have plenty of time to get serious with someone. Would just really like to see HIM again because I had a fantastic time.

 

Thanks!

[2sunny]

I'd wait to see him - at least until after his D is FINAL!

 

He may have gone back - he may not be separated. MM lie all the time.

 

Did you search for a background check on him? If he is S or getting D it's also public record - look him up through your online court records. You do know his full name, right?

 

And ANY man going through a D is a nightmare of emotional baggage - and 4 kids? I hope you not the emotional roller coaster.

 

It takes time for a man like him to process - and be notionally available father a M (especially with 4 kids).

 

How old is he and how long was he married?

 

I always suggest waiting until one R is final before starting another! Proper order is key.

 

He's probably afraid to be alone.he needs counseling o be healthy after a failed M. He doesn't need to rush into another R so quickly - that's a big red flag to me!

[Praying4Peace]

He's got too much on his plate right now. Divorcing with 4 kids? How the heck did he have time or mental energy for a date the day after they separated? Does he have other women on the side? Perhaps during his marriage? No normal man can go out with someone the day after he separates. So to answer your question, he's either just too busy or you are the rebound person to help him with his emotions as he goes through his Divorce. Seriously, just wait until its all over, don't see him again.

 

(ps- speaking as someone who has 4 kids and finalized my D last month)

[awkward]

Where did you meet him?

 

Have you tried calling him and asking him why he went MIA? If he isn't in the hospital with tubes in his throat you need to tell him where to go.

 

In general, you would probably find healthier relationships with men who have actually gotten their divorce. They need to grieve that relationship as well as work on their part of the failure of the marriage.

[daisybuchanan55]

He claims they've been separated since last October but since he was living in another country for work (in Europe) he obviously did not need to physically move out of his house until he was back here in the US. He was living in the basement of his house for two weeks after returning to the US before scrambling to get out and into an apartment. So, technically our date was not the first day after being separated. It months later but a day after physically moving out of a house he hadn't really been living in anyway.

 

Age...he is 38. He's been married almost 16 years. Got married YOUNG.

 

No, I have not contacted once. I've very old-fashioned and try to let the guy lead the way. It just seems so weird that he disappeared since nothing "happened."

 

I have a really, really hard time trying to understand what he's going through. I'm only 26 and have never been married or had kids. I only worry about myself and my own happiness. My big responsibility is getting up for work and goofing around on weekends. I will admit I am naive to what this man could possibly be dealing with!! To think he's too "busy"...well...who the hell is too busy to text message?!

 

I want to contact him and just see how things are but I really don't want to accuse him of being MIA. Don't want to look needy/crazy. Just, you know, how are you? That kind of thing.

 

Any more thoughts? THANK YOU again for the help.

[neveragain34]

My gut tells me something is off...sounds similar to the start of my former affair. My exMM was perfect at first, said all the right things, we had so much in common, he was a gentlemen, said he was divorced (lived alone so it was easy to believe), etc. He turned out to be a complete sociopath who was married.

 

Always remember the saying..."if it's too good to be true, it probably is" and go with your gut. Until you see divorce papers, I'd steer clear.

[daisybuchanan55]

I realize the "other country" thing sounds weird but I have verified this. I'm a pretty awesome "researcher" when it comes to this stuff, trust me

 

The guy definitely isn't a sociopath. LOL. I think he may have disappeared because he's trying to do the right thing, whatever that may be. Or perhaps got freaked out of his feelings for me...??

[2sunny]

He's busy for the holiday weekend.

 

If you wonder - call him now and see if he answers or if it goes to voicemail.

 

 

If you have to leave a message - simply ask for an explanation why he disappeared and that it appears suspicious.

 

I'd bet money come Tuesday (when he's back at work and not with a woman) he reaches out again.

 

I think he's a cheater.

 

Do you know his last name? Are you FB friends? Do you know where he lived with his family and where he moved to recently?

[2sunny]

What was the reason he gave for divorcing?

 

 

Did you check public records yet?

[Lillyfree]

listen to your gut. i would be very suspicious of someone who just disappears after everything's been going so well, married or not.

 

my personal opinion? i would ask to speak with the (ex?) wife. that's if he re-appears.

[spice4life]

Ugh. This sounds EXACTLY how my affair started. Watch out because this guy is probably grooming you to be his OW. They are all attentive at first and then all of sudden they drop off the face of the earth only to resurface after you've been dangling and are bit anxious about what happened. Then the game begins. If you decide to stick around next you will be hit with, "don't worry, we will talk soon." The word "soon" will become a normal part of your relationship vocabulary. Then he will keep dangling just enough carrots to keep you interested and waiting to see him.

 

I could be wrong, but I wouldn't hang around and find out if I were you. I would take charge of yourself and tell him you are interested in dating someone else and disappear quick!

 

Your story brings back some bad memories. Run now before you fall in love with the guy!

[whichwayisup]

He told me before we went out he has four kids and that divorce was the next step for him and his wife. He had moved out of his house just the day before our date.

 

HUGE red flag. He is newly separated! Moved out and then the next day went on a date with you? He's so not ready for anything. He's got four kids, a very recent ex and I highly doubt their marriage is over.

 

Now, if he'd been separated a lot longer, months and months or even over a year, then I'd say, proceed with caution, but in your situation, I say, run. You've not invested much into him and you really do not know him at all. He more than likely has glorified things and making it seem like he is heading towards divorce, and my bet is, that's so not true!

 

I would leave this guy alone. He's really in no position to 'get to know' you and you should not get attached at all. He is in limbo. RUN.

[2sunny]

So he was in the UK since Oct and knew he'd be divorcing upon his return.

 

 

Sounds like this man has been dating since October.

[whichwayisup]

I realize the "other country" thing sounds weird but I have verified this. I'm a pretty awesome "researcher" when it comes to this stuff, trust me

 

The guy definitely isn't a sociopath. LOL. I think he may have disappeared because he's trying to do the right thing, whatever that may be. Or perhaps got freaked out of his feelings for me...??

 

He's got FOUR kids, so chances are, that's the reason why you didn't hear from him. Or, he was with his wife AND their four children.

 

You don't know him at all. One date?

 

Google Russell Williams. A former Colonel with the Canadian Forces. Guess what? A man in his position and power, a rapist and a killer! He was married as well, well respected by many. NOT anymore! GOOGLE this sicko's name and read up on him. Please do not tell me you know this newly separated man. You know absolutely nothing about him, except what he's told you..And who knows if it all of it is true.

[spice4life]

Oh yeah, I forgot to add; then after you've fallen in love you will find out he was never separated in the first place. By then it's too late because he has you hooked, in love and riding the affair roller coaster with lots of extreme ups and extreme downs.

 

Hmm...your story has been very cathartic for me. I just realized that my xMM probably never loved me in the first place! Thanks for posting you story. Now RUN while you can!

[Mount]

Ah...when I read following bolded part, same old same old game. Push and Pulll.

 

When they can be more creative, having something new? Their brain power is low.....women are more intelligent.

 

 

Hi there! I originally posted this in the Dating forum but was advised to see what kind of response I got over here. Apologies if you've already read it

 

Thanks for taking the time to respond to this--it's all I've been able to think about and is starting to not only drive me crazy, but give me actual anxiety.

 

I went on an amazing first date with a man who is 12 years older than me about ten days ago. I was a bit apprehensive given the age difference, but we ended up talking for seven hours and finding out we have more in common than I have with any man ever before. We laughed, learned about each other, just had AMAZING chemistry. He was honest about his situation without dwelling on his ex and seemed intent on moving forward, talking about fun dates he wanted to plan. Over and over again he said how much fun he was having and I knew he was being sincere. We kissed and he was a perfect gentleman. I can honestly say it was the best date I've been on in years. He showered me with compliments and made me feel more special than any man ever has. Despite his marriage failing (they were married young) I respect his handling of the situation and the fact he did not say cruel things about his wife. He's the kind of guy who, if you're going to get a divorce, you'd want to be divorced from.

 

He told me before we went out he has four kids and that divorce was the next step for him and his wife. He had moved out of his house just the day before our date.

 

After our date he dropped me off and immediately texted to thank me for going out with him. He continued to initiate texts for three days after the date while I was out of town on business.

 

Then, out of no where, in the middle of a fun, pleasant text conversation...it stopped. MIA! I have not heard from him in a week.

My mind is racing with possibilities. Was he lying to me and is actually still married and cheating on his wife? Is he getting back together with her? Is he worried about his feelings for me? Concerned I'm too young/don't like him enough (I was responding to most of his texts enthusiastically but trying to remain "cool")?

 

I had such a great time with him and am positive he had a good time with me. Given my theories, should I leave him alone completely or send a "How are you?" breezy text to let him know I'm thinking of him? My thought is that even if he's in the middle of some turmoil or a recconciliation and does not respond, it will leave a positive impression when/if his marriage ends and he won't feel awkward contacting me later on, or will give him a sign that I'm into him.

 

Again, I am 12 years younger and have plenty of time to get serious with someone. Would just really like to see HIM again because I had a fantastic time.

 

Thanks!

[SunsetRed]

LadyGrey, good to see u! OP, read the stories on this forum.

 

Many of us on here become OW because of dating a separated man.

Like I said, separated men can be better dates than single guys. They seem more sensitive and gentlemanly. They connect better emotionally and don't seem as sex starved as some single guys. They usually have their careers and finances in better shape as well. They have the ability to make you feel like you are their wife, or at least potential for a wife.

 

What usually happens, esp if the sep guy has kids, he ends up going back to his family/ wife. He'll say its for the kids, they need stability, blah blah and he'll say he's still separated, he's only living in the garage or basement until he gets things straightened out for the kids.

 

He'll say he still needs you, you understand him..before you know it, you're dating a married man. You'll spend all your holidays alone because he's with "the kids." He'll use his work vacation time to take "the kids" on a vacation. Wake up, those holidays/vacations w "the kids" ..guess who's w the kids...the wife and guess who's alone...YOU.

 

So please dodge this bullet, otherwise you'll still be on this board 3 years from now processing all this hurt and mess.

[neveragain34]

Another way to look at this...

 

Take out the separation, great conversation, etc and ask yourself, "even if he is single, do I really want to be with someone who disappears out of the blue and leaves me hanging??" I certainly wouldn't settle for that type of behavior no matter how great the first date was, especially since he did it so early on. Imagine what's to come in the future! And no, he didn't disappear because he was afraid of his feelings being too strong. That just doesn't happen; haven't you read, He's Just Not That Into You? Whatever his excuse is at this point is just that...an excuse. If and when he does come around again, he will say anything he thinks you want to hear. Quit while you're ahead and don't fall for it.

[2sunny]

Another reason for women to ditch the "I'm proper - I'll always wait for him to contact me" way of thinking.

 

MM groom their women - they like the ones who "would never call them" because too often - it's an "inconvenient time" for the MM.

 

I say all traditional gals ought to get used to calling every now and then.

[daisybuchanan55]

Thank you sooo much to all who have responded. I really appreciate it. Having this forum to vent is VERY therapeutic!!

 

To answer a few questions...yes, I know no one can ever be sure if someone is a sociopath or not. I think that's what makes someone a sociopath, isn't it?! SO many of them are charismatic, handsome etc. But I am PRETTY sure he isn't a sociopath. In fact, I think he is probably a pretty great guy...hence the "disappearing." For all I know he is trying to make his marriage work and doesn't want me or any other women to interrupt that process.

 

Complicating this matter, we are both public figures. He is more well-known than I (no, we aren't Brad and Angelina-level celebs lol) but I hadn't even thought until just now that all the money/publicity involved in people finding out about his separation/cheating/whatever is going on here might be playing a role in his behavior.

 

Look, I'm the first one to admit that I am NAIVE. I don't know what it's like to be married 16 years, have four kids, all that goes into that. What I do know is that I really enjoyed his company and can't shake the desire to reach out and just show a little friendly concern. Given his level of interest (high/aggressive) and the fact that it abruptly stopped, I don't think it would be a negative thing to just show that I CARE.

 

All the advice here makes me realize I do NOT want to be involved with a married man...which is, unfortunately what he is. I am hoping that maybe he will come back around when his divorce is final, and I want to show that I am interested in him WHEN he is ready.

 

Is this a stupid idea?

[daisybuchanan55]

Oh, and someone said "listen to your gut." I am a very emotional person but enough time has passed since my initial "freak-out" that I can say my gut is telling me the following:

 

This guy went out with me and had a great time. But moving out made things "real." Maybe he decided to try to work things out with his wife, and since I know he's a family man and was DEEPLY in love with his wife at least at one time, I can see why he isn't going to give up on his family easily. Maybe his wife came to him begging to work things out. Who knows. Either way, I'm 99% sure his obvious desire to try and make his family survive is the reason for the disappearance.

 

How can I argue against this? If I were him or his wife I'd want the same thing.

 

My gut says reach out, show friendly/non-desperate interest/concern, so that when/if he is ready to date, he will know I was interested and reach out again. Hopefully I won't be snapped up by then

[Lillyfree]

then tell him just that - what you've said here.

 

that he's a great guy, and that he should look you up once his divorce is final and he's ready for a new relationship. thank him for the times you had, and wish him well. then go on to live your life with him completely out of it.

 

all the best

[Praying4Peace]

DaisyB-

You are so so so so so lucky to have posted here when you did. I was CLUELESS. The word "affair" wasn't even on my radar. Everything these ladies say is correct. You can save yourself from a world of hurt.

 

Yup just text him "What happened to you? I guess your life is very complex right now and get in touch one day if you are single. Take care." (and mean it!)

[2sunny]

I think it's a good idea to send the message - or better yet, call him! The voice tells a ton of things that text can't convey.

 

Be clear about your decision to wait until his D is final. And that IF you are available then - to ring you.

 

Be quiet long enough for him to give you an idea of what his plan is and how he intends to make it happen.

 

Don't agree to see him or text if he isn't divorced...or until he's divorced.

[daisybuchanan55]

I'm worried though that mentioning anything about "Call me when your divorce is final!" is a little presumptuous given we went out ONCE. Yeah, it was an amazing 7-8 hours, but it was still only once.

 

I guess my question is, should I remain in NC, constantly wondering if I should've said something (hence preserving my pride) or just lay it out there? And if I do say something, which is a better route? Saying something about how I had a great time and call me when he's divorced OR just "Hey, how's everything? How's the new apartment? Fill me in!" breezy, fun kind of text?

 

My God, I am CLUELESSSSSS.