How to proceed with separated man???

[2sunny]

I'm worried though that mentioning anything about "Call me when your divorce is final!" is a little presumptuous given we went out ONCE. Yeah, it was an amazing 7-8 hours, but it was still only once.

 

I guess my question is, should I remain in NC, constantly wondering if I should've said something (hence preserving my pride) or just lay it out there? And if I do say something, which is a better route? Saying something about how I had a great time and call me when he's divorced OR just "Hey, how's everything? How's the new apartment? Fill me in!" breezy, fun kind of text?

 

My God, I am CLUELESSSSSS.

 

Since he went MIA - I don't see any reason to think you need to be breezy " how's the apt?" That's bound to make you look silly - given the fact that he's had more than a week to invite YOU to "see his apt" but he hasn't even bothered to call, much less text!

 

He's not made effort. No need to think he's thinking you're his priority - hence the reason for no small talk.

 

Maybe the best way is not to text/call at all.

 

Maybe he'll surface if he gets divorced.

 

And don't wait around - stay busy dating. Even IF he is getting divorced - it can take years to get things settled - especially with 4 kids.

[daisybuchanan55]

Ugh...it just sucks. It makes me wonder why I had to meet him at ALL. Like, if all that was going to happen was this, what on earth was the point???

 

I imagine a lot of people on this board feel that way lol

[CarrieT]

I imagine a lot of people on this board feel that way lol

Yep....

 

if all that was going to happen was this, what on earth was the point???

To teach us how to care for ourselves first and learn the lessons to always be cautious of what may look too good to be true, often is!

[spice4life]

Oh, and someone said "listen to your gut." I am a very emotional person but enough time has passed since my initial "freak-out" that I can say my gut is telling me the following:

 

This guy went out with me and had a great time. But moving out made things "real." Maybe he decided to try to work things out with his wife, and since I know he's a family man and was DEEPLY in love with his wife at least at one time, I can see why he isn't going to give up on his family easily. Maybe his wife came to him begging to work things out. Who knows. Either way, I'm 99% sure his obvious desire to try and make his family survive is the reason for the disappearance.

 

How can I argue against this? If I were him or his wife I'd want the same thing.

 

My gut says reach out, show friendly/non-desperate interest/concern, so that when/if he is ready to date, he will know I was interested and reach out again. Hopefully I won't be snapped up by then

 

*Sigh* Regarding the bolded; you can't argue against that as long as he stays gone and doesn't try to bring you into the mix while he is "supposedly" trying to work on his marriage.

 

Best wishes to you.

[2sunny]

The bottom line is "something/someone" is keeping his mind so busy that he hasn't communicated.

 

He suddenly isn't making you his priority.

 

You may never know why - but silence tells you everything he won't tell.

[daisybuchanan55]

This is all SO incredibly depressing! I feel like I'm bothering everyone here by continuing to argue in favor of contacting him, so apologies if I am. Here's the deal on WHEN he went MIA though...and why I think I should contact him.

 

So, we had our date on a Wednesday. The next day I had to go out of town for a long weekend. He texted (and double/triple texted when I didn't respond immediately) asking about my trip plans, have a safe flight, how is San Francisco, sending me pictures of what HE was doing etc. etc.). I wanted to appear busy (and I actually was legitimately busy) so I was waiting a few hours between responses.

 

Friday night I sent him a picture of where I was in response to his picture text. I was in the picture. He responded with how much he liked my outfit. I waited a few hours and responded "Aw, you're so sweet thank you!"

 

That was around 2am and that was the last I heard from him.

 

Is it possible he thought I wasn't interested/was just being polite because I was taking so long to respond/sometimes not responding? That maybe he thought I was too young/caught up in my own life to deal with him and his baggage?

 

I'm *pretty* sure he isn't dating/pursuing other women because we met on a dating site and he hasn't logged on once since he went MIA.

 

That's why I want to contact him. He's probably dealing with his kids/wife, but if he's worried I'm not interested I want to make sure he knows I am so if things don't work out in his marriage, he knows I did enjoy my time with him.

 

I was reading around on this board about MM who are afraid to leave their marriages unless they know the OW is "waiting." Which to be honest, seems pretty lame, but I definitely got that sense from him. He REEKED of loneliness. It was so SAD! On our date he was talking about trips he wanted to take with me, things he wanted to do...it was obvious he was desperate for companionship.

 

Help...?! I wouldn't be making such a big deal of this if I wasn't impressed with him and what a stand-up guy he seemed. Which, I think, he probably is...considering he dropped me, hasn't logged onto the dating site, and it probably trying to work it out with his wife without distractions.

 

And thanks again to everyone

[CarrieT]

Daisy, I am going to send you back to my first post.

 

He is MARRIED.

 

Do yourself a HUGE favor and just stay away until he is AVAILABLE.

 

Everything else you are posting are excuses you are looking for to stay in contact - and possibly become The Other Woman. Do you think so little of yourself to get involved with a married man?

[daisybuchanan55]

THIS SUCKS!!!

 

The thing is, though, I know the "old me" would think of every reason under the sun to text. And that NEVER WORKS. It may work in the short term, but in the long run, it just doesn't...

 

I'm going to try to stay strong and not say anything. If you guys think he will get in contact when he's in a better place I guess I should just forget it until then.

 

Thanks again for all the support and advice

[CarrieT]

If you guys think he will get in contact when he's in a better place I guess I should just forget it until then.

 

IF he contacts you, the best thing you can do is ask him if he is divorced. And if he is not, just tell him sweetly that you would love to hear from him again when he is FREE and able to date.

[daisybuchanan55]

Good advice Carrie. Thank you

 

What if he's too scared to contact me again, though? Like, he feels like a jerk for leaving me hanging?

 

UGH. What is wrong with me?!

[carhill]

People don't get to be public figures by being scared.

[CarrieT]

What if he's too scared to contact me again, though? Like, he feels like a jerk for leaving me hanging?

Why are you so worked up over it? He IS a jerk if he went on a date without being single.

 

G

UGH. What is wrong with me?!

Easy. You got attached way too early and are projecting all the "what-if" possibilities of a perfect life with this guy.

 

STOP IT!

 

Knock some sense in your head and realize that if he were perfect, he would be breaking down your door to be with you. Is he doing that? Nope. And if he is still married and dealing with drama, you don't want that either.

 

 

Stop obsessing.... Seriously.

[daisybuchanan55]

Thanks all for the tough love. You're right. If I'm so willing to get in contact, he should be too. And technically it's his "turn." So...yeah, you're all right, and I'm just making excuses.

 

This seriously blows. I think it would be worth it to figure out why A. I get attached so easily, and B. I come up with these fantasy scenarios of a perfect life with people I barely know, and C. I always go for unavailable men...this "married man" thing is just another example of me going for someone I can't have. Previously I've been in four long distance relationships. What is wrong with me?

 

I'm an actress so I guess it makes sense...always living in a pretend world! I've had this problem with relationships my ENTIRE life.

 

Any suggestions for how to get over this?

[2sunny]

Thanks all for the tough love. You're right. If I'm so willing to get in contact, he should be too. And technically it's his "turn." So...yeah, you're all right, and I'm just making excuses.

 

This seriously blows. I think it would be worth it to figure out why A. I get attached so easily, and B. I come up with these fantasy scenarios of a perfect life with people I barely know, and C. I always go for unavailable men...this "married man" thing is just another example of me going for someone I can't have. Previously I've been in four long distance relationships. What is wrong with me?

 

I'm an actress so I guess it makes sense...always living in a pretend world! I've had this problem with relationships my ENTIRE life.

 

Any suggestions for how to get over this?

 

Yes, work with a professional (counselor) to change these things about yourself.

[It's Just Me]

I can totally relate to all of this, Daisy. I have repeated the following sentence, ad nauseum, on this forum once I figured things out:

 

When a man is TRULY interested in you, he makes no secret of that fact. Going *poof* is simply a sign that he is not interested, or that he lied about his real life. Stop, and I mean STOP making excuses for the lack of contact. There are no secret meanings going on here.

 

Move on, and consider the few lessons learned:

 

A) Avoid newly-separated men like the plague, and

B) Invest no more than an hour on a first date, and

C) Invest even less of your brain power/emotions going in.

 

Cheers, and good luck.

[georgia girl]

Daisy,

 

Repeat after me: "It was just a date. He's just a guy. He doesn't even come with a clean slate. Time to move on."

 

Please, please don't do what I see way too many lonely, beautiful young women doing: you're getting yourself hung up on one guy you met on a dating site and went out with once. One date and a few texts are simply one date and a few texts. You have invested WAY TOO MUCH emotionally into this, even if he were single.

 

But, he's not single. Cut the ties. Go back on your dating site and find someone new. And in future, stay away from anyone who has relationship baggage. Remember that you are looking for someone emotionally ready, able and willing to take a chance on you. Someone who has emotional baggage - and marriages are HUGE emotional baggages regardless of whether or not their on their way out - are not what you're looking for.

 

Take a chill. Get over the fantasy you've created about this guy and go find yourself a new one.

 

Sorry for the tough love but really, you have invested way too much after one date. Love really isn't that hard.

[neveragain34]

This is all SO incredibly depressing! I feel like I'm bothering everyone here by continuing to argue in favor of contacting him, so apologies if I am. Here's the deal on WHEN he went MIA though...and why I think I should contact him.

 

So, we had our date on a Wednesday. The next day I had to go out of town for a long weekend. He texted (and double/triple texted when I didn't respond immediately) asking about my trip plans, have a safe flight, how is San Francisco, sending me pictures of what HE was doing etc. etc.). I wanted to appear busy (and I actually was legitimately busy) so I was waiting a few hours between responses.

 

Friday night I sent him a picture of where I was in response to his picture text. I was in the picture. He responded with how much he liked my outfit. I waited a few hours and responded "Aw, you're so sweet thank you!"

 

That was around 2am and that was the last I heard from him.

 

Is it possible he thought I wasn't interested/was just being polite because I was taking so long to respond/sometimes not responding? That maybe he thought I was too young/caught up in my own life to deal with him and his baggage?

 

I'm *pretty* sure he isn't dating/pursuing other women because we met on a dating site and he hasn't logged on once since he went MIA.

 

That's why I want to contact him. He's probably dealing with his kids/wife, but if he's worried I'm not interested I want to make sure he knows I am so if things don't work out in his marriage, he knows I did enjoy my time with him.

 

I was reading around on this board about MM who are afraid to leave their marriages unless they know the OW is "waiting." Which to be honest, seems pretty lame, but I definitely got that sense from him. He REEKED of loneliness. It was so SAD! On our date he was talking about trips he wanted to take with me, things he wanted to do...it was obvious he was desperate for companionship.

 

Help...?! I wouldn't be making such a big deal of this if I wasn't impressed with him and what a stand-up guy he seemed. Which, I think, he probably is...considering he dropped me, hasn't logged onto the dating site, and it probably trying to work it out with his wife without distractions.

 

And thanks again to everyone

 

You taking too long to reply to texts is not the reason he stopped contacting you Daisy! Guys like the chase. He simply lost interest or is working on his marriage. And if he is working on his marriage, he doesn't deserve to be on the high pedastol you are putting him on for doing so. Its great if he wants to do the right thing and work things out with his wife, but that doesn't give him the right to disgard you like he did. He is NOT the good man you see; a good man would have the decency to be honest with you and say, "I think you're a great girl, I has a fantastic time with you, but I've decided to work things out at home." That's all he had to do! Instead, he left you hanging and wondering and going crazy making every excuse in the book for him.

 

Also, meeting on a dating site means nothing. I met my exMM online and he fooled me really well into thinking he was divorced! And who's to say he didn't meet someone else around the same time as you which is why he hasn't logged on? Please don't tell me you met on POF; that one is the worst for these things!

 

There's all sorts of theories you could come up with, but the bottom line is....he left you hanging and you deserve better.

 

Ps. Discussing all of the trips he wants to take you so soon is another RED FLAG and classic line of a womanizer.

[2sunny]

Google "future faking" it's a red flag for the beginning stages of seeing anyone.

[daisybuchanan55]

Mega-depressing. I see it's a red flag and then I thought to myself, "But in the time he was saying it, I bet he actually DID believe it..."

 

Bottom line is whether he was faking/lying or not, I can't get involved with someone who is obviously in a terrible place to begin a new relationship. I would be devastated if we dated and then he went back to his wife.

 

Best course of action here is obviously letting him deal with his stuff and finding someone with a clean slate to date. He clearly has a lot going on and I'm confident that we had a good enough time that he will come sniffing back around when/if his marriage doesn't work out.

 

I really do believe he is a good guy and that's why he disappeared. OBVIOUSLY his relationship with his wife is more important than his relationship with someone he went on one date with. That's how it should be. Even though I wish he would've said something to me, I can understand his point of view and for his kids' sake hope everything resolves itself as painlessly as possible. My parents went through a terrible separation as a child (they got back together) but it was a horrible time for our family. I wouldn't wish that on anyone and have to remember that when I feel bad for myself here. Any innocent kids need to be the number one priority and I don't want to get involved in some other family's problems. They deserve a chance to work it out without me around and I deserve to be with someone who is fully free and can devote himself to our relationship.

[2sunny]

I wish you would spend more time and energy thinking about how YOU feel and hat YOU DO - or WILL do differently next time/ next guy.

 

Spending so much time and energy "guessing" about a guy you hardly know is futile.

 

Read co dependent no more - by Melody Beattie (sp?) - it may help you.

[daisybuchanan55]

I wish you would spend more time and energy thinking about how YOU feel and hat YOU DO - or WILL do differently next time/ next guy.

 

Spending so much time and energy "guessing" about a guy you hardly know is futile.

 

Read co dependent no more - by Melody Beattie (sp?) - it may help you.

 

This is interesting. How do I feel? I'll be completely honest even though I'm sure it will sound ridiculous to some of the more mature/seasoned daters around here, especially people who have dated someone coming out of a marriage.

 

I feel like I met someone who was on the level I wanted him to be intellectually. I'm sure this will sound strange, but I actually prefer being the more "intellectual" one in the relationship. I certainly don't want a stupid man, but I hate competing with a guy over who is more book smart. I like that he's in a completely different profession. I found him intelligent and FULL of the common sense and level-headedness I lack (I'll freely admit it) but not interested in arguing over encyclopedia definitions and locations of obscure countries and whose degree is more valuable long-term.

 

I was completely attracted to him physically, which should go without saying.

 

I feel like I'm sick of dating "children." Going on this date made me realize how nice it is to be out with a guy who has his **** together financially and career-wise. When I'm out with people around my age I feel like I'm on this wild ride where we are both totally unsure of how things are going to work out and where life is going to take us. Yes, it's "fun"...but I'm sick of "fun." I want stability. I worry enough about my own career and finances and I don't want to talk about another person's insecurities when I'm out with them. Maybe this is me being unrealistic, but sorry, I just don't. I will be very honest and admit I came from a privileged family where things were always "taken care of." I'm not looking for a man to pay my rent and take me shopping and otherwise support me, but being out with this guy made me feel secure...sort of how I felt my entire life growing up. Like I was with someone calm and capable. Like not only do I not have to give him career advice (I always feel like I'm playing therapist and life coach with guys), but that he would probably just laugh and pat me on the head if I did! It was freeing! I loved feeling like someone else could take care of business and that we could talk about other things besides where my career is going and where his is going. He already has a career. He already knows! And if I want to talk someone about my career, 9/10 times it's really not my partner. I prefer talking to my siblings, friends, parents and coworkers about my career insecurities. This is probably some serious problem, but I don't feel comfortable sharing any career/financial insecurities with men I date.

 

Maybe this is weird, but I really liked hearing about his kids. I love kids. I was fantasizing about how I'd never try to replace their mother but would make them a real priority in my life...once they got over possibly hating me, lol. I was thinking how cool it would be to be a role model for them and do things like help them with college applications since neither of their parents went to college. Oh yeah, I know I sound insane right now...

 

I loved how smart and funny he made me feel. I felt like all he wanted from me was support and amusement, which I could completely handle. He didn't want me to figure out his life or tell him what to do. In a way, and I am nervous to say this and feel like everyone is going to jump all over me, I felt like our dynamic was similar to parent-child...in that he was the adoring parent and I was the over-achieving child. He was so amused by my quirks and goofiness and seemed almost proud of my accomplishments! I loved it! It reminded me of how doting my own father is. And on top of that we had this great romantic chemistry.

 

I guess I just felt very secure in his presence, fully taken care of in the way I want to be, mentally stimulated in the way I want to be, and physically attracted.

 

No, I have not contacted him, per all your advice, and I really don't think I will. But I can't stop thinking about him, especially since I know I'm going to run into him at an upcoming work event (we dabble in the same industry but have totally different jobs.)

 

Last night I had a dream where I was obsessing about him and then turned on the TV to see him and wife on a special about how to repair your marriage. What the hell? Are these the gods trying to warn me?

 

I find myself praying he decides to leave his wife for good and that my "reward" for leaving him alone and letting the situation work itself out is that he'll come back to me.

[georgia girl]

Actually, as a serious serial dater before I met my husband, I understand where you are. It's the thrill of finding the "perfect guy" (even though all you saw was a veneer) and attaching to him all the qualities you are looking for in a life partner and suddenly, he becomes 'THE ONE'.

 

What you don't realize you're doing is fixating simply because you're lonely. And if anyone tells you that's what you're doing, you tend to discount it because you really believe that he's the one and it's a star-crossed lovers thing, whatever the reason may be that he's not with you now.

 

The sooner you can let that go, the better you will be. He really wasn't the ONE. You didn't know him long enough or well enough to attach the qualities to him that you have and the only thing you are doing by mentally hanging on to someone who's not coming back is cheating yourself out of the next guy. And that one? Well, just may be the one. Giver yourself that option.

 

I finally did. And guess what? He was the one. (although right now I'm mad at him because he's certainly not perfect. But the anger is trivial; the life is real.)

[Frank13]

 

So, we had our date on a Wednesday. The next day I had to go out of town for a long weekend. He texted (and double/triple texted when I didn't respond immediately) asking about my trip plans, have a safe flight, how is San Francisco, sending me pictures of what HE was doing etc. etc.). I wanted to appear busy (and I actually was legitimately busy) so I was waiting a few hours between responses.

 

Friday night I sent him a picture of where I was in response to his picture text. I was in the picture. He responded with how much he liked my outfit. I waited a few hours and responded "Aw, you're so sweet thank you!"

 

That was around 2am and that was the last I heard from him.

 

Is it possible he thought I wasn't interested/was just being polite because I was taking so long to respond/sometimes not responding? That maybe he thought I was too young/caught up in my own life to deal with him and his baggage?

 

I'm *pretty* sure he isn't dating/pursuing other women because we met on a dating site and he hasn't logged on once since he went MIA.

 

 

Great job at showing him you really aren't interested in him. All these replies from women painting him bad, when you are the one who has gone out of your way to show him you like the attention, but aren't really interested.

 

It is your belief to be old fashion and not text first and not respond for 2 or 3 hours. And that should make him think you are interested in him how?

 

Then to top it off, you don't have a clue why he went MIA and won't attempt to contact him.

 

Do the guy a favor and let him find someone who isn't afraid to let him know they are interested.

 

After so many attempts on his part and no effort on yours, I would have went MIA too, and a heck if a lot sooner. You all expected him to keep trying?

 

One more thing. He may have went MIA in a last ditch effort to see if you were interest. Great job at failing at that too. All that did was prove to him it was right to go MIA.

 

Am I the only one who sees how messed up this is? If this is how you react with a guy you are interested in, how do you react when you aren't? If you think this is how to treat a guy, get some help.

Edited June 1, 2013 by Frank13

[daisybuchanan55]

Great job at showing him you really aren't interested in him. All these replies from women painting him bad, when you are the one who has gone out of your way to show him you like the attention, but aren't really interested.

 

It is your belief to be old fashion and not text first and not respond for 2 or 3 hours. And that should make him think you are interested in him how?

 

Then to top it off, you don't have a clue why he went MIA and won't attempt to contact him.

 

Do the guy a favor and let him find someone who isn't afraid to let him know they are interested.

 

After so many attempts on his part and no effort on yours, I would have went MIA too, and a heck if a lot sooner. You all expected him to keep trying?

 

One more thing. He may have went MIA in a last ditch effort to see if you were interest. Great job at failing at that too. All that did was prove to him it was right to go MIA.

 

Am I the only one who sees how messed up this is? If this is how you react with a guy you are interested in, how do you react when you aren't? If you think this is how to treat a guy, get some help.

 

Well...CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

You have GOT to be kidding me!!!

 

My thought was he would text me after I responded with something like "When do you get back? Let's grab dinner!"

 

Why should I have to be the one to initiate? He's the man!!! He was initiaiting before! Then again, I was being WAY more chatty before I decided I liked him...

 

I guess I acted like this in an attempt to "protect" myself.

 

What the hell? I am so confused now!!!

[georgia girl]

Daisy,

 

Don't be confused. Please. Just move on from this guy. When two people want to be together, it happens. When it's unilateral, it doesn't. In this case, it's unilateral.