How to proceed with separated man???

[Frank13]

You are the ONLY poster who is telling her she is the one who did something wrong. Most of us pointed out how it's not smart to get so invested after ONE date with a guy who MAY, BUT PROBABLY IS NOT even separated but still MUCH married. Did you miss that part of her story?

 

She did do something wrong. She showed him she isn't interested. You and everyone else are filling her mind with "probablies" without a shred of evidence . You all say he probably went back to his wife, probably is dating others, probably isn't married, probably a serial killer, probably an alien from another planet.

 

It's like you are alll jealous she was able to find a guy she connected with on the first date or are projecting your insecurities without seeing how she messed up.

[Frank13]

My thought was he would text me after I responded with something like "When do you get back? Let's grab dinner!"

 

And his thought was, "Gee if she can't take 30 seconds to respond to a text, especially after I double or triple texted, she definitely isn't interested".

Why should I have to be the one to initiate? He's the man!!! He was initiaiting before!

If that is your rule than I suggest you give up dating. Yes, he is the man and men don't, like being treated like they are unimportant. You are right, he initiated before and got sick of doing it, only to wait hours for a reply.

I guess I acted like this in an attempt to "protect" myself.

Well then you accomplished your goal and should be happy. He believes you aren't intetrested and gave up.

 

What the hell? I am so confused now!!!

 

No, from what you said, you are a spoiled brat who is use to having everything done for you and when a guy won't jump through your hoops and play your games because he has some self respect, you are unwilling to stop your bratty ways.

[Frank13]

OP, I've read some subsequent posts about you waiting 'hours' to return simple texts and that's just childish and absurd.

 

If there was any less effort on your part to show him some genuine interest on your part and you would have been in a coma.

 

See how that backfired on you?

 

It's one thing if you're at work and simply can't text whenever you want, that's understood. But to purposely wait 'hours' to return a text is immature and counter-productive.

 

 

Looks like you, and I (the only guy replying?) are the only ones who see how fatal this was. Then everyone says the guy is rude for responding how anyone would who I is treated like she isn't interested.

[Frank13]

Mega-depressing. I see it's a red flag and then I thought to myself, "But in the time he was saying it, I bet he actually DID believe it..."

 

Bottom line is whether he was faking/lying or not, I can't get involved with someone who is obviously in a terrible place to begin a new relationship. I would be devastated if we dated and then he went back to his wife.

 

Best course of action here is obviously letting him deal with his stuff and finding someone with a clean slate to date. He clearly has a lot going on and I'm confident that we had a good enough time that he will come sniffing back around when/if his marriage doesn't work out.

 

I really do believe he is a good guy and that's why he disappeared. OBVIOUSLY his relationship with his wife is more important than his relationship with someone he went on one date with. That's how it should be. Even though I wish he would've said something to me, I can understand his point of view and for his kids' sake hope everything resolves itself as painlessly as possible. My parents went through a terrible separation as a child (they got back together) but it was a horrible time for our family. I wouldn't wish that on anyone and have to remember that when I feel bad for myself here. Any innocent kids need to be the number one priority and I don't want to get involved in some other family's problems. They deserve a chance to work it out without me around and I deserve to be with someone who is fully free and can devote himself to our relationship.

 

Not a shread of evidence any of this is true. Maybe he got killed. Maybe he won the lottery and wanted to give you half but you couldn't even be bothered to reply to his texts before 2 hours. Maybe you made it clear you weren't interested in him.

 

So far this guy isn't acting the way everyone is making him out to be. He isn't promising you things and then making excuses. He isn't going MIA and then popping back up. He simply disappeared AFTER you repeatedly showed you weren't interested after ONE date.

 

To me you have two choices. You can make up all this garbage in your head that you and everyone else want to project without evidence and lose out on what might have been. Or you can act like a woman instead of a child, stop with the games and the petty rules on how a man should act, call him up (or text if he won't answer your call) , tell him you are interested, and apologize for acting like you weren't.

 

It is possible at this point that he has put up walls because of how you treated him that he won't let you back in without some explanations and assurances that you really are interested. At this point you don't have anything to lose by contacting him.

[Praying4Peace]

She did do something wrong. She showed him she isn't interested. You and everyone else are filling her mind with "probablies" without a shred of evidence . You all say he probably went back to his wife, probably is dating others, probably isn't married, probably a serial killer, probably an alien from another planet.

 

It's like you are alll jealous she was able to find a guy she connected with on the first date or are projecting your insecurities without seeing how she messed up.

 

Sometimes this board is a whole lotta 'sour grapes'.

Men look into things just as much as women. Why did she wait this long? Why didn't she say this or that? It's the SAME, regardless of gender. Men and women aren't that different.

 

There are 2 discussions going on here in tandem, if you think about it

1) the future of this relationship (is he separated, age, kids, etc)

2) If the guy is interested in her or feels anything (or is he just out for predatory sex)

 

My answers:

1) It will be hard bc there are so many obstacles and every makes assumptions when scared and emotional and protects their hearts

 

2) You didn't answer for 2 hours and it possible he noticed and backed off too. I don't know why people think guys aren't afraid of rejection, possibility of rejection, being made a fool of. They are.

 

My advice is to be honest, be open, say what you mean, say what you feel...easier than analyzing with a bunch of us who can't read your mind and sometimes assume the worst in order to protect you (not saying this is bad or good).

[daisybuchanan55]

We all give advice based on our own experiences and I'm trying to take that into account when I read all your (excellent) advice. Naturally someone who has been in a position similar to mine that ended badly will tell me NOT to contact him, run away, etc. Someone whose relationship worked out will tell me otherwise.

 

Then there are people like Frank who turn the entire discussion upside down! LOL.

 

Frank, I'm curious where your advice is coming from. Did you have some experience where a girl was behaving in a similar way to me and you took it to mean "uninterested"?

[HonestNeurotic]

GOODNESS!!! Sometimes I don't reply for a day or two to texts. Not often. But it happens. I actually turn off all electronic stuff for awhile. Cuz I'm BUSY! Not everyone has to be on a keyboard ALL THE TIME. And I'm a marvel at all that, I'm not some Luddite. I just find it odd that people expect such immediacy. Sorry Frank - I know you believe what you've said to be possibly true - but not EVERYONE has their thumb on an iphone/pad/puter all the time. There's like - you know - real life stuff that keeps people busy with their hands doing stuff instead of writing about it all day.

[neveragain34]

Frank, you have some valid points about how game playing could have played a part in his disappearance. Let's say OP didn't play games and they continued to date...I'm curious to get your take on the following:

 

1. He is still separated.

2. He took her out the day after he moved out of his home, the home he shared with a wife and FOUR kids.

3. He SHOWERED her with compliments. (On a 1st date)

4. He was discussing future dates, to include TRIPS. (On a 1st date)

5. In case you missed number 2, the date was ONE DAY after he moved out which leads to #6...

6. He was on a dating site while still living with his family.

 

I'm sure I've excluded other details, but these are the ones that stood out to me as red flags. What's your opinion?

[daisybuchanan55]

Gosh, neveragain, when you put it like that, it sounds bad. And that's me thinking as a rational outsider with no emotional stock in the situation.

 

Then there is the me that actually WENT OUT with this man and heard his side of the story, which was, to cover your points:

 

1. He is still separated.

 

His exact words were "Yes, we've been separated since October. I was away in Paris (he lived there for work for six months) and had to hear from my oldest son about all these dates she was going on."

 

2. He took her out the day after he moved out of his home, the home he shared with a wife and FOUR kids.

 

Yes, they shared the home, but he was only living in it for two weeks upon his arrival back to America from Paris. He moved out pretty quickly in my opinion. But yes, this is a little dodgy, I agree.

 

3. He SHOWERED her with compliments. (On a 1st date)

 

Not gonna lie, I loved it!

 

4. He was discussing future dates, to include TRIPS. (On a 1st date)

 

Honestly, I think he was lonely. He told me his wife hasn't visited him while he's been away for work (he travels quite frequently and for extended periods of time) ONCE in the past three years. Maybe his declarations about trips etc. were a little odd and premature but I think people say crazy things when they are lonely. And we were having such a wonderful time so it wasn't that surprising.

 

5. In case you missed number 2, the date was ONE DAY after he moved out which leads to #6...

 

Yeah...

 

6. He was on a dating site while still living with his family.

 

Again, he said his wife had been dating for months.

 

Let me stress this was a seven hour date and I'd say 10 minutes max of it was spent discussing the ex-wife. He didn't want to dwell on it, continually saying things like "It's okay, the glass is half full, I am so glad to be moving past this stage in my life," or "Just one of life's bumps in the road, I'm so happy to be out with you, I never would have met you otherwise."

 

I don't know him well, I don't know her side of the story, and I can't possibly know what is REALLY going on. This is just what he said to me.

 

My gut tells me he is GOOD MAN. I know that everyone here says "run for the hills," but trust me, I've dated some world-class jerks and liars and this guy just didn't strike me as one.

 

It's now been almost three weeks. My head is a lot clearer and I still think he is a good person...granted, a good person with A LOT of issues and baggage he needs to sort through.

 

I think Frank might be onto something. For someone who has been out of the dating scene 16-17 years (cell phones weren't even AROUND when he got married) he might be nervous, especially since he did ask how I felt about the age difference and if it bothered me or made me uncomfortable.

 

I will admit my texting patterns changed a lot after the date because I was trying to play it cool. Prior to the date we were texting pretty much nonstop. After the date I was so nervous I would say the wrong thing I took the complete opposite approach and didn't even respond, as I said before, for hours or at all.

 

Maybe he took this as a sign that I didn't have fun and wasn't interested? Even though I said I had a wonderful time?

[2sunny]

Did you see his apartment?

 

Did you confirm with his wife?

 

Did you do that back ground check?

 

Did you look at his Facebook page?

 

People lie about what's really happening all the time. Accept it. Or find the proof that he is still married and lied.

[daisybuchanan55]

No, I didn't do any of the above. I looked into seeing if he was legally separated but in our state there is no such thing as legal separation...just divorce.

 

No, I didn't see his apartment but he told me exactly which building it was. I didn't see it because I only went out with him once. Same reason I didn't confirm with his wife! How creepy/weird would that be?

 

His Facebook page (we aren't friends so I can't really see much) doesn't have any indications of her being in the picture. His Twitter is pretty public. Pics of his kids but none of her.

 

Hard to confirm any of this without seeing him again...

[Frank13]

I find it really disturbing that you are egging this woman on, because of some kind of agenda or some past experience of your own. You are ignoring all the danger signs this guy had plainly exhibited to Daisy and you are off on some tangent that has little to do with the real matter. This man is bad news, a very bad risk. The text games mean nothing, when you look at the bigger picture here. The danger of getting involved with a guy like this, IS the issue, not text games. Daisy......I don't think frank has your best interest at heart.

 

I don't know what kind of agenda or past experience you have had but there are no danger signs. She had a great 7 hour date. They both seemed interested. She played games because of some preconceived notions and to protect herself. The guy had enough and disappeared.

 

Then because he disappeared, you all have 100 reasons why he is no good without a shred of proof. What does a "guy like this mean"? What did he do so wrong when the op didn't show enough interest?

[2sunny]

Did he say he dated women while he was in Paris "alone"?

[Frank13]

GOODNESS!!! Sometimes I don't reply for a day or two to texts. Not often. But it happens. I actually turn off all electronic stuff for awhile. Cuz I'm BUSY! Not everyone has to be on a keyboard ALL THE TIME. And I'm a marvel at all that, I'm not some Luddite. I just find it odd that people expect such immediacy. Sorry Frank - I know you believe what you've said to be possibly true - but not EVERYONE has their thumb on an iphone/pad/puter all the time. There's like - you know - real life stuff that keeps people busy with their hands doing stuff instead of writing about it all day.

 

She said she purposely waited hours to text him. When things seem to go great after a first date, and there appears to be a lack of interest from one side or the other, someone is going to give up and that's what happened.

 

It is so hard to make a connection especially on a first date. This guy thought there was. The op showed him there wasn't.

[Frank13]

 

I think Frank might be onto something. For someone who has been out of the dating scene 16-17 years (cell phones weren't even AROUND when he got married) he might be nervous, especially since he did ask how I felt about the age difference and if it bothered me or made me uncomfortable.

 

I will admit my texting patterns changed a lot after the date because I was trying to play it cool. Prior to the date we were texting pretty much nonstop. After the date I was so nervous I would say the wrong thing I took the complete opposite approach and didn't even respond, as I said before, for hours or at all.

 

Maybe he took this as a sign that I didn't have fun and wasn't interested? Even though I said I had a wonderful time?

 

Good God, did you read a book on how to show a guy you aren't interested? You went from non-stop texting before you met him to the complete opposite approach. Usually it works the other way. You text a little bit before the date and when you hit it off, the texting becomes more frequent.

 

He was concerned about the age difference and your change in texting sure showed him you weren't interested.

 

People say they had a wonderful time to be polite. Your actions aren't matching your words.

 

If I were him and received a phone call from you with an explanation of why you have acted the way you have, ie tried to play it cool, were too nervous to say the wrong thing, etc but that you were interested, I would be flattered and would be thrilled and would want to see where it goes.

 

Everyone has all these reasons to stay away from him but you pretty much showed they weren't valid. Someone said I am egging you on. Yes, because I think there is something between you too that you screwed up royally. Had you listed a bunch of reasons and red flags, I wouldn't be doing it.

 

Just call the guy and be honest with him. Then if you go out and see red flags, you can re-evaluate the situation. Why throw this away without good reasons?

[Frank13]

Did you see his apartment?

 

Did you confirm with his wife?

 

Did you do that back ground check?

 

Did you look at his Facebook page?

 

People lie about what's really happening all the time. Accept it. Or find the proof that he is still married and lied.

 

It was a first date for Christ sake.

[whichwayisup]

Frank, you have some valid points about how game playing could have played a part in his disappearance. Let's say OP didn't play games and they continued to date...I'm curious to get your take on the following:

 

1. He is still separated.

2. He took her out the day after he moved out of his home, the home he shared with a wife and FOUR kids.

3. He SHOWERED her with compliments. (On a 1st date)

4. He was discussing future dates, to include TRIPS. (On a 1st date)

5. In case you missed number 2, the date was ONE DAY after he moved out which leads to #6...

6. He was on a dating site while still living with his family.

 

I'm sure I've excluded other details, but these are the ones that stood out to me as red flags. What's your opinion?

 

IF a woman did this to a man, MOST would advise the guy to RUN. Separated or not, it's just freaky behaviour.

 

My 2 cents.

[Frank13]

daisy, use your lady smarts here and the wisdom of the other ladies who have made previous bad decisions regarding men. Don't let this text timing thing distract you from the real issues.

 

Daisy, use the wisdom of a guy who thinks you have something with the guy. I bet none of the ladies here who made bad decisions could tell by the first date.

 

I have stated the following before. It is hard for guys to know if a woman is interested because if there are 100 ways a woman can show interest, she can show 99 of them, but when the guy thinks she is interested, she says she just likes him as a friend. This has happened to many guys. Then we have women like you who do the best they can at showing lack of interest and then wonder why the guy disappeared.

 

This guy just didn't disappear out of the blue. He didn't stand you up for a date. He didn't promise one thing and do the opposite. He simply disappeared because you showed lack of interest.

[daisybuchanan55]

Daisy, use the wisdom of a guy who thinks you have something with the guy. I bet none of the ladies here who made bad decisions could tell by the first date.

 

I have stated the following before. It is hard for guys to know if a woman is interested because if there are 100 ways a woman can show interest, she can show 99 of them, but when the guy thinks she is interested, she says she just likes him as a friend. This has happened to many guys. Then we have women like you who do the best they can at showing lack of interest and then wonder why the guy disappeared.

 

This guy just didn't disappear out of the blue. He didn't stand you up for a date. He didn't promise one thing and do the opposite. He simply disappeared because you showed lack of interest.

 

Okay, I think I am going to text him after the weekend. I agree one text showing interest isn't going to make the world explode considering I haven't initiated once. How is something like this?

 

"Hey Mike (name changed obviously)! Guessing you've been pretty preoccupied but wanted to see how you were doing. I hope well and I hope the new place is working out BTW, I had crab rangoon last night (his favorite food, so random) and thought of you! No authentic Chinese hot sauce though, you're going to have to show me where to get my hands on that!"

 

Thoughtful and jokey at the same time?? Thoughts?

[daisybuchanan55]

Oh and maybe add in, "And also thank you again so much for the other week. I honestly had such a fantastic time :)"

 

Does that indicate enough interest?

[daisybuchanan55]

And maybe add in somewhere in there that I wanted to give him time to settle into his new place so he can see a reason for why I didn't contact him?

[whichwayisup]

Okay, I think I am going to text him after the weekend. I agree one text showing interest isn't going to make the world explode considering I haven't initiated once. How is something like this?

 

"Hey Mike (name changed obviously)! Guessing you've been pretty preoccupied but wanted to see how you were doing. I hope well and I hope the new place is working out BTW, I had crab rangoon last night (his favorite food, so random) and thought of you! No authentic Chinese hot sauce though, you're going to have to show me where to get my hands on that!"

 

Thoughtful and jokey at the same time?? Thoughts?

 

Don't.

 

If he hasn't contacted you (sorry did you text him and he never got back to you?) and some time has gone by, then do NOT send a text like that at all. Let alone any text.

 

It's your decision, but I think Frank is guiding you in the wrong direction.. SO if you take his advice, be ok with whatever the outcome is after you send that text.

[daisybuchanan55]

Oh, and to answer your earlier question, no, he told me he found the language barrier in France totally impossible and had a hard time meeting anyone since French women were generally pretty icy and unapproachable compared to Americans. He claimed I was the first person he'd been out with since the separation.

[daisybuchanan55]

No, I haven't sent any text or initiated any contact at all. This would be the first stab at communication.

 

I definitely would NEVER text a person twice if they didn't respond to the first one.

[whichwayisup]

Oh, and to answer your earlier question, no, he told me he found the language barrier in France totally impossible and had a hard time meeting anyone since French women were generally pretty icy and unapproachable compared to Americans. He claimed I was the first person he'd been out with since the separation.

 

Red flag?

 

Didn't he JUST separate and move out a few days before going out with you?

 

Bottom line is, this guy is so newly separated and has young kids. He really is no position to be dating and getting to know someone at this time in his life. It's just too soon, and I think deep down you know this but are so caught up in the romance and being woo'd so quickly. This isn't a movie and it ain't Hollywood.