Internet Browser Shows Husband Looked Up <a sex meetup web site>

[redfathom]

Not just craigslist, but a site where people post places you can meet people for sex. Adult stores, rest area's, gym's, etc.

 

I don't know what to do. He has bi-sexual interests. We have discussed it at length and he says he loves me and would never cheat. I have told him if he wants out of our marriage to pursue things he is free. He say's he doesn't want that.

 

I don't know how I can bring it up to him that I found it. He hates that I don't trust him. The has given me reasons not to trust him...not that he is cheated, that I know of.

 

We have been married 10+ years and he wants to have a baby soon. I can't have a baby with him if this is what I have to worry about. How do I confront him when the focus will become my lack of trust and how IT is ruining the marriage.

 

Advise? I love my husband and I don't want to divorce. How can we work on things when he lies, I don't trust him, and I have to pretend like everything is okay so not to start an argument about my lack of trust.

 

I feel like a doormat in this. I looked because he doesn't always seem interested in sex with me. It's been weeks. Apparently he looked last week the day before we left on a vacation together.

 

I feel like I should get out, but I am scared and do love my husband.

[Star Gazer]

I'd be terrified of STDs if I were you. He sounds like textbook "on the down low."

[CarrieT]

Sometimes people peruse just for the fantasy aspect -- like looking at porno.

 

I don't see a problem with that unless they act upon it.

 

I would go into Investigative mode to see if he IS acting upon any of these searches; a keylogger on the computer to see if there are secret email accounts, checking phone records, etc. Gather evidence to determine if there is cheating.

 

If he is bi-curious, he may be quite happy just reading about it and not acting upon it.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sometimes people peruse just for the fantasy aspect -- like looking at porno.

 

I don't see a problem with that unless they act upon it.

 

I would go into Investigative mode to see if he IS acting upon any of these searches; a keylogger on the computer to see if there are secret email accounts, checking phone records, etc. Gather evidence to determine if there is cheating.

If he is bi-curious, he may be quite happy just reading about it and not acting upon it.

 

This. a thousand times....

[Mr. Lucky]

This. a thousand times....

 

I'd do both the down low investigation and a head on discussion. I don't understand how you're able to discuss his bi-sexuality but not his browsing history? Too important not to discuss ASAP, especially if you've got family plans...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dreamingoftigers]

I'd do both the down low investigation and a head on discussion. I don't understand how you're able to discuss his bi-sexuality but not his browsing history? Too important not to discuss ASAP, especially if you've got family plans...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I would def do the LD investigation first, that would shape the head-on discussion. Plus you know what happens when you tip your hand to a WS>

[redfathom]

I did ask him about the Sunday night. He said he looked at the sites to read people's stories which were erotic. He said it's also something he has thought about, but there are too many risks to ever try it. Same with cheating. He was upset with me and hurt for bringing it up and insulting him (I have let him know my concerns about his potential to cheat in the past) and he said he can only take that for so long.

 

I told him I felt ashamed and sad for hurting him with my questions, but that I am happy with our relationship and wanting to protect it.

 

We had a wonderful wee together, sometimes my curiosity gets the best of me. I think if we had a healthier sex life I wouldn't worry about it so much. I looked at his porn as a reason for our lack of intimacy (of sex every 3-6 weeks). So when we have had a hiatus I look to see, if in my opinion, is it me or is it because he is pleasing himself that is getting in the way.

 

I feel so guilty about hurting him. I have been hurt by this myself over the past 10_ years of our marriage and have struggled to understand and accept -- which I do for the most part. I don't mind him looking at porn as long as it doesn't interfere with our sex life.

 

I told him I sometimes think too much damage has ben done to recover and that maybe it would be best if we weren't married. Part of that is shame on my part and wanting to forget what I have contributed to the hurt feelings in our relationship.

 

He did say me checking/snooping does help to keep him in check. He also said he would never risk our marriage, life, health, etc and cheat. Maybe this is something I am finally grasping fully since we can communicate effectively about it. I told him I would seek therapy to get over my paranoia and trust issues.

 

We are both wounded and I hope can recover. I do love my husband dearly. Maybe we were just too young to get married.

[Mr. Lucky]

He was upset with me and hurt for bringing it up and insulting him (I have let him know my concerns about his potential to cheat in the past) and he said he can only take that for so long.

He did say me checking/snooping does help to keep him in check.

Doesn't this seem a little passive/aggressive on his part, almost as though you're being gaslighted? Your concerns are well-founded and perfectly normal and anyone would have the same fears were they to find their spouse cruising hook-up sites - for either sex! I'd keep your antennae up...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Janesays]

Personally, I think this husband is gay.

 

Nothing wrong with that, but if I were you, I'd divorce him and go marry a straight man.

[redfathom]

I am wondering if I am being to hard on myself and taking the full blame. I do have issues that are contributing. My husband is right that after 10+ years a handful to several times I have gotten upset with him over porn, sometimes even accusing him of looking to cheat. Never that he has cheated, but that he has urges I know I can't satisfy and questions on where those will stop. I see his point, he hasn't cheated and knows the risks and it's not fair for me to assume he would cheat on me. That makes him feel low to know that I don't always trust him and snoop.

 

I can't change him. I can only change myself and need to start looking at ways I can improve our relationship through my own reflection and self improvment.

 

Jane, I have asked him if he is gay and he say's he isn't. I think for him it is sex. Even when we talked to said he is happy in a relationship with ME. Of course he has been stand offish the last couple days and I am trying to give him some space.

 

I don't like having doubts, sure he has created some of them and my low self-esteem has fueled some of it too.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am wondering if I am being to hard on myself and taking the full blame. I do have issues that are contributing. My husband is right that after 10+ years a handful to several times I have gotten upset with him over porn, sometimes even accusing him of looking to cheat. Never that he has cheated, but that he has urges I know I can't satisfy and questions on where those will stop. I see his point, he hasn't cheated and knows the risks and it's not fair for me to assume he would cheat on me. That makes him feel low to know that I don't always trust him and snoop.

 

I can't change him. I can only change myself and need to start looking at ways I can improve our relationship through my own reflection and self improvment.

 

Jane, I have asked him if he is gay and he say's he isn't. I think for him it is sex. Even when we talked to said he is happy in a relationship with ME. Of course he has been stand offish the last couple days and I am trying to give him some space.

 

I don't like having doubts, sure he has created some of them and my low self-esteem has fueled some of it too.

 

I'd have a low self-esteem if I always suspected my partner wanted to cheat or was possibly cheating.

 

Something about this just doesn't pass the smell test.

 

What does your gut say? I'm not kidding.

 

Do you feel quivers in your stomach or sick or have trouble sleeping at night? Anxiety but can't pick out the source?

[Mr. Lucky]

I looked at his porn as a reason for our lack of intimacy (of sex every 3-6 weeks).

If I'm understanding your previous post, you have sex every 3-6 weeks?

 

Redfathom, this is what cheaters and narcissists do. They take a perfectly legitimate concern, like your normal worries over the reasons behind the lack of intimacy in your relationship, and they make the their problem your fault. Or make you seem crazy for being concerned about it. If only you weren't "controlling". Or "snooping". Or "checking up on him". Or "invading his privacy".

 

Guess what - you're not wrong to be worried and upset. Any normal person would wonder why he didn't want to sleep with them. And as someone with much at stake, it's perfectly in your rights to try and get to the bottom of this. Don't let him - or anyone else - convince you otherwise...

 

Mr. Lucky

[xxoo]

You have very little sex life. He actively trolls gay meet up sites.

 

I'm not saying that he's cheating, but he is undoubtedly tempted. He doesn't seem nearly so tempted to have sex with you.

 

Please don't sweep your concerns under the rug. Push the issue. Something is off.

 

Most likely, he wants a classic family unit with you. That doesn't mean he is sexually attracted to women.

[Janesays]

 

Jane, I have asked him if he is gay and he say's he isn't.

 

Yeah, because it's totally unheard of for a gay guy to lie about whether or not he's gay. That almost NEVER happens! *sideways glance at multiple married yet gay politicians in Washington

[dreamingoftigers]

You have very little sex life. He actively trolls gay meet up sites.

 

I'm not saying that he's cheating, but he is undoubtedly tempted. He doesn't seem nearly so tempted to have sex with you.

 

Please don't sweep your concerns under the rug. Push the issue. Something is off.

 

Most likely, he wants a classic family unit with you. That doesn't mean he is sexually attracted to women.

 

Ding! ding! ding!

 

Plenty of sexual addicts, narcissists and sociopaths do this.

 

If your sex life is that far unhinged (speaking from personal experience here) you may be married to one of the above. Tough road a'hoe...

[Veronica2025]

Supposedly there is a saying " Someone whistling soon begins to sing. "

 

He's patrolling gay meet up sites? He's working himself somewhere if he hasn't done it already.