Not sure wife still likes me...

[SortaNewDaddy]

My wife and I have been together for ten years, married for six. Lately, she's been unusually cold to me. She has not been her usual loving and sweet self. Often, at night, she just turns over and goes to sleep after a quick kiss goodnight. (We normally talk for a few minutes before saying goodnight.) Also, her demeanor with me during the day is probably best described as being tolerant. She is often short with me and, well, kinda pissy to be blunt. I have repeatedly called this behavior to her attention and she has brushed it off, blaming her job or her mother (who lives with us). Then, yesterday, after a month of rudeness, I finally said, "I don't feel like you're happy with me." To which she replied, "I don't think either one of us have been happy for a long time." Yikes! to me that's break-up talk. Then she said, "I think we've made each other unhappy." She later amended this by saying that she meant that CIRCUMSTANCES have made us unhappy.

 

Some background. We met ten years ago on Match.com. She was awesome. She was is smart/funny/beautiful/sexy. We used to have all kinds of crazy sex anywhere and everywhere. Our first two years together were a blur.

 

Then she got laid off and went into a tailspin depression. She was supporting her family (mother and brother) and she couldn't find a job. Me? I was self-employed, but my business was hardly making me rich. I was also a major drunk and was self-medicating (with booze) to get over my father's death and the fact that my mother was a drug addict (ironic, I know.)

 

The sex stopped immediately.

 

Anyway, we moved away from my crazy family who were "covering" for my mother's drug use. (My family's neuroses are well-documented in a book by my cousin that was the NYT #1 bestseller for over two months. Trust me, I'm not lying about this.)

 

Anyway, we moved together to a different town. i took a job in sales at a Fortune 500. She took a job in government that she hated. I grew to hate my job after the market crashed and I almost had a breakdown from the pressure. During this turbluent time, we got married. No one on my side attended the wedding because we had left and refused to be part of my mom's craziness.

 

Anyway, with the economy in the tank, we both lost our jobs and moved around a lot. My wife was the first to get a job. That was three years ago. Then I got a contract job for one year. I also finished a teaching credential.

 

I am now looking for a teaching job, but the market is thin. My wife's job puts her under a lot of pressure. I want to help, but the economy is crappy here, so I have only been able to find work as a sub.

 

We had a baby one year ago. My wife's mom moved in with us to help out and because she needed a place to live. It's a 3-bedroom apt., but we're all tripping over each other.

 

Over the years, our sex life was marginal, sometimes once a week, but usually once every two weeks, a couple of times, as long as three weeks.

 

One night, eight months after the baby was born, we hadn't had sex in seven weeks. I know that it takes couples a while to get back into it, but after seven years of sporadic sex (at best), I was furious when she told me that night she was too tired.

 

I packed a bag and walked out of the house. If I'm honest, I wanted her to come after me (If I'd truly wanted to leave, I would have driven to the local train station, but I walked.)

 

She came after me and promised to change. She said she'd taken me for granted for years and she was sorry. We began to have sex more often. These last few months, we've been having it every week. She was fine for about two months, but now she's blaming me for leaving that night. She said it removed a level of trust she had in me. I told her that not having regular sex with me for years had removed the level of trust I had for her.

 

When I have talked to her about her recent behavior, she says that I have been depressed for years b/c of my family situation and not having a steady job. I admit this. It took its toll on me.

 

In the last two years, I have reduced my drinking by 90%. I used to drink every night. Now, I might drink two nights a week and I NEVER get drunk. I have also exercized/worked out five days a a week for the past two years.

 

I still love my wife. She says she loves me, but she's angry with me. I'm also angry with her for the aformentioned reasons. Maybe we're just going through hard times. We have a beautiful baby girl and I want her to have to happy parents, not parents who are "polite" to each other.

 

Sorry this was a friggin' novel, but it flowed once I started typing.

 

 

Any input is greatly appreciated.

[Janesays]

You cannot control your wife's actions. All you can control is your own. So I'm going to give YOU things to do as opposed to her because you're the one posting seemingly want to fix your marriage.

 

How often do you cuddle? Make out for no reason at all but to make out? How often do you hug, hold hands, put her feet in your lap and rub them?

 

I say this because often when the intimacy plummets in the relationship, the simple touching left loooonnnnnngggg before the sex dried up. And if you only touch/kiss/hold your wife when you want to have sex, she's going to notice that, resent that, and the likelihood of her ever WANTING to screw you again will nosedive.

 

Forget about sex for a week or two and just work on TOUCHING. When women don't get touched romantically, we start to feel disconnected from our partners. The guy we used to feel such passion for will start to feel like a roommate to us. Do you and your wife act like teenagers in love or roommates?

 

Touch her. Quit trying to get in her pants and just TOUCH HER. Kiss her. Stroke her cheeks. Give her hugs. Hold her tight. SAY something romantic to her. Look at her like you did when you were first started dating. All loving and romantic like she was the most beautiful woman you had ever seen. Do these at times when it's IMPOSSIBLE to have sex, so she doesn't get suspicious of a motive.

 

She's going to be stiff at first because you FEEL like a roommate to her. But proceed and she'll relax into touch. Simple touching every day gives us bursts in oxytocin which is the bonding hormone. You need to reestablish your bond.

 

Once that happens, the sex will start flowing again.

[Mr. Lucky]

You cannot control your wife's actions. All you can control is your own. So I'm going to give YOU things to do as opposed to her because you're the one posting seemingly want to fix your marriage.

 

I'm going to add to this by saying you've given yourself a pass for some very damaging behaviors. Alcohol abuse is "self medicating". Falling apart is due to "the pressure". Just as you have expectations as to you wife's role, she should be able to count on you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LovesHangover]

Disclaimer: I've never been married or come close to being engaged. I can't relate to what occurs in long-term/life partnerships, but I hope that my post offers something you can use.

 

I recently saw a couple in a sexless marriage on Iyanla Fix My Life. She explained to them that it wasn't about sex and helped them explore issues individually and as a couple to get their lives and marriage headed in a positive direction.

 

Even though times are difficult right now, I think that this can be an opportunity for you and your wife to grow together by intentionally looking at, discussing and removing what's really between you that's interrupted your intimacy.

 

I hope the best for you and that you and your wife can work through whatever it is together emerging with a strong, happy marriage. Like I said, I can't relate, but I think that you have to keep working at it, which I thinks keeps things exciting.