Is being a Nice Guy ever really enough?

[JayLion54]

Is being a nice guy really enough anymore?

 

I am begining to loose faith in the old addage that being a nice guy is what a woman really wants these days. I'm not so sure that being the nice guy is really enough anymore. Sure its great if you want to be in a platonic realationship with someone. However, if you are looking for more than that, maybe something more is needed. I only bring this up because lately I have really been thinking of this topic quite often. I hear over and over again that I am such a nice guy, or a sweetheart, or a great guy, or blah blah blah. I am beginning to think that these comments are more of a detriment than a pick-me-up. I have also been told numerous times that any woman would be lucky to have a guy like me. Not so sure about that!

 

Let me tell you about myself before I continue with my little rant here. I am a typical 25 year old guy. Not too tall, 5'11. A bit overweight, mostly because I spent most of my time in college working out to become a better player for my football team, with little time to maintain that heavy regime of excercise, I regret to say I have become soft is many areas . I have a great sense of humor, just ask anyone who actually knows me. I am compassionate for others. I like to help anyone who crosses my path. I am a teacher, and I am one of the best for being so young in the profession. Now I am not telling all of this because I am trying to "hook up" or find that "special somebody." I am only trying to illustrate that I am indeed your typical nice guy.

 

I have had several relationships and obviously they didn't go the way that I had planned. Needless to say I wasn't the one who ended the relationship. Each relationship was completely different from the last. There was one constant however with each one. Each lady that felt compelled to end the relationship all told me that I was a nice/great/wonderful guy. I appreciated the sentiment at the time, I also remained good friends with each lady. As time has progressed however, I began to questions such remarks made by women who I had such strong feelings for. After seeing the other relationships that came after me, each lady seemed to get involved with men who were not better than me. In Fact, some were abusive, neglectful, or just uncaring in their own special ways. Its happened time after time. I don't quite understand the logic behind all this. Is God playing some weird game? Were these ladies all lying to me so that I would leave them alone? Who knows? Not me that is for sure.

 

All I know is that I have never mistreated a woman, never struck a woman, never actually yelled at a woman for the purpose of hurting her feelings. I have always been respectful, caring, and compassionate. For some reason however, I have yet to have a woman take that chance on me. Allow me to show her how she is really supposed to be treated, like a queen, princess, lover, friend, whatever she wanted. I know that would and am that "special somebody" that people talk so much about. I know that I could make the woman that I care for and love the happiest woman on this green earth, if just given the chance. All I apparently need now is some sort of hook to afford myself the chance to prove myself.

 

So I pose my original queary. Is being a nice guy really enough?

 

 

 

 

 

P.S. Thanks for reading this, please don't feel the need to respond, I am really just writing down a few of my thoughts so that I get a little piece of mind (whatever that may be...lol) Have a fantastic day, evening, week, month, year, life!! May God bless you!

[johan]

I'm not aware of any old adage, but the answer is no. "Being" a nice guy is not enough, if that's not who you really are. That's not who most "nice" guys really would be, if they had guts enough just to be themselves. Most people who have confidence enough to express their true personalities and desires aren't described primarily as "nice". Not that they are rude or selfish instead, but that they have more interesting traits to talk about than just their niceness.

 

I think any guy who complains that being nice isn't good enough, that "nice guys finish last", is just revealing that he's the kind of guy who thinks being nice is the most important thing. For these guys you can read "nice" as compliant, not too demanding, tame and basically a boring pushover. If you complain about being nice and losing out, then to me that sounds like you don't have the courage of your convictions. Like maybe you're considering giving up the nice act and acting like a jerk instead. Whatever facade will get you the girl. Women clue into that eventually, and it's not attractive.

 

You say you wish some woman would allow you "to show her how she is really supposed to be treated, like a queen, princess, lover, friend, whatever she wanted." I trip up at "whatever she wanted". Whatever she wants? What about you? Treat her like you want to treat her. If she doesn't like it, let her go. You have realize you can't keep up the act, blowing in her wind like a loose sail, for your whole life. You'd better just settle in and do it your way. Chances are if you're a habitually nice guy, you may not even know what your way is. You've been a chameleon for so long you forgot your original color.

 

Sooner or later you have to just relax and be yourself and all of a sudden you'll find women actually respecting you. And some of them will go through hell to be with you.

[moimeme]

Each lady that felt compelled to end the relationship all told me that I was a nice/great/wonderful guy

 

There must have been a 'but' at the end of those sentences. If not, and if these people are genuinely your friends, then ask them what the 'but' is. Ask what it was that they felt was lacking or what you needed to be of more interest to them.

[SoleMate]

Great post, johan. You are really on to something there.

 

Yes, "nice" is great, but definitely not enough. It's great that you don't hit women or scream insults at them, but that is actually a given. I have to laugh when men list this kind of factor as one of their major attributes!

 

Allow me to show her how she is really supposed to be treated

Something seems odd about this plan. If you reverse it...do you want a woman who is going to "show YOU how you are really supposed to be treated"? Sounds like she makes the decision as to what you need.

 

Lasting love is based on meeting each other's emotional needs. Please see <URL removed> for more on this. Of course, the attraction/seduction phase is based on different factors. BTW, I strongly advise losing that extra weight and tightening up your gut. It improves your odds. Also, be aware that while being a teacher is wonderful, nobody is going to fall in love with you or get swept off their feet by that.

[Tony]

You seem to be intent on blaming your relationship failures on the fact that you are a nice guy. Had it every struck you that you just weren't the right guy for these ladies? Why would you want them sticking around if they aren't interested? It has nothing to do with your being too nice, too short, too tall, etc. It simply has to do with the absense of the necessary chemistry and THEM being the wrong person for you as well as you being the wrong person for them.

 

I will say that many women your age prefer a challenge but if they are truly interested in many aspects about you, they will stick around. Keep dating, don't change, and if you are rejected just consider that a step closer to meeting Ms. Right. Meantime, I'll pass on a few tips I've learned along the way. Many people tend to want more what is not readily available. When you meet somebody, don't give too much too soon, don't call so often, be unpredictable, etc. If a guy kisses a lady's butt with kindness too soon, it sickens many of them or makes them wonder just what's wrong. Yes, it's a sad commentary on human nature but that's the way it is for a lot of women your age.

 

If you'd like to read more, type in "nice guys" in the search field of any good search engine and read away.

[Curt]

Jay,

 

I'm also a teacher, and I have in the past considered myself a bit of a "nice guy" as well.

 

Trust me, even if you truly are that "nice guy," it will NOT be the determining factor in finding that special woman to share your life with.

 

Sad fact is, nice doesn't really "cut it" that much with the ladies.

 

A man who approaches a woman in such a way as to appear "too willing" to please her too quickly, will wind up getting walked over.

 

Remember, a partnership would need to be both ways. SHE would also have to sell HERSELF to you, for the right reasons.

 

It will truly amaze you how NOT giving them what they quest for now and then, actually makes them want you more. Oh, and drop the total nice guy.

 

Be a WHOLE man. That's what a woman wants ... a confident, strong and driven man, who knows also, when the time is right, how to be passionate, romantic, loving, and verile.

 

They want a man who knows HIS worth to her, as much as she knows her worth to him.

 

Perhaps Jay, it's because we are employed to be helpful, kind, compassionate, and giving. I fear it sometimes bleeds through to our "off work" selves as well a little too much.

 

Be a good person, but be willing to show the strength and confidence needed to attract a woman. It smacks somewhat of Darwinian theme, etc., but it is true.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Curt

[Quicksilver]

It's hard being a nice guy and keep a girl.

 

The reason is that you can be too nice. Most people grow up in screwed up homes and they are not use to being treated by someone who knows how to love and respect.

 

It doesn't feel normal to them what is normal is trying to win the love of someone and working hard to get there.

 

It's not your fault that you are loving and caring. They just don't know how to accept that because of how they have grown up.

 

If you are to eager to please they can't work hard to win your love and it just doesn't feel right.

 

The sad part is they move on to be hurt by the ones they have to work so hard to get.

 

The old saying you always want what you can't have. Play harder to get so they want you even more. Don't give them everything and treat them like a princess. Make them work for love that's what they do best.

[Merin]

Jay, I noticed something at the end of your post that struck me as odd..

 

"Thanks for reading this, please don't feel the need to respond" Hmmm...

 

Jay, I have the feeling this is also the way you've approached relationships.. with the attitude of "I'm going to give you whatever it is YOU want even if it doesn't fit what I want.. and hey if you want to walk on me, then thats okay too.."

 

Johan has given some really great insight..

[moimeme]

I don't get why 'nice' needs to be constrasted with 'confident'. Seems to me that a man who knows he's a good guy would be confident because he knows he's a nice guy.

 

There's been a whole bunch of threads on this theme at LS. Do a search and you'll have reading aplenty.

[tokyo]

Jay, I don´t think the problem is with you being to nice, I think you are trying to much to please the women and you excuse yourself too much instead of doing what is right. I sometimes have the same problem, I have problems to speak in public, huge problems. I feel like I have not right to talk the same bullsh*t as everybody else, I know the others are not smarter or more witty, but I still have these feelings. I know it´s completely wrong, I also know that some people kind of underestimate me and think I´m a bore, because I get so nervous. I´m still working on it, because I know I have the right to expect the same attention as I give to them when they speak, why should I be less demanding than they are?

 

You have the right to post what you want and ask for help as anybody else. And you have the same right as these women have. Don´t excuse yourself all the time for walking this earth, that´s really not attractive. If you have such a low opinion of yourself, why should someone else think you´re interesting enough to stay with?

[Papillon]

As women grow older, they come to expect more from a man than being good in bed, attractive, or being a good companion. Things like being a good provider, a good potential mate and father become increasingly important.

 

You can be the nicest guy in the world, but if you're a loser who can't keep a job, your babe quotient drops to like 1.2%

[ps123]

I had similar problems when I was younger. Many of the girls I dated ended up dating a**holes instead of me.

I hope I dont offend any women by making this generalization, but a lot of younger women do tend to go for that bad boy type. They like the challege and the mystery of the bad guy. As women get older though, they realize that they really do want nice guys and dont need the whole bad boy thing. Im now in my 30s and Im finding that being myself (a nice guy) is what most of the women my age are looking for.

Women in the past have told me it wouldnt hurt to be a little more mean at times, but I wasnt going to change who I really am just to try to get someone to like me. If someone doesnt appreciate who I am, then I wouldnt want to date them anyway.

My suggestion is to just be yourself. If someone doesnt like you because youre "too nice" then she probably isnt for you anyway and more than likely wouldnt work out.

Again, sorry if I offended any women by this post, but this has been my experience and what many of my women friends and women Ive dated have told me.

[Papillon]

Originally posted by ps123

Again, sorry if I offended any women by this post, but this has been my experience and what many of my women friends and women Ive dated have told me.

 

YOU *ARE* TOO NICE!

 

I highly doubt if you offended any gals, what you're saying is pretty accurate for the most part, and most realistic women will admit as much.

[Nice Too]

I have to agree with ps123. I was in the same situation all through college, and now that I am in my late 20's and on my career path I am finding that women are more interested in me now then ever. I think that some women in college and men for that matter are more interested in just having fun and dating guys/gals with a bit of a wild side to them and later in life when people settle down and start to look for someone who can support, love and honor them for the rest of thier lives they start looking for the nicer guys/gals out there. I dont think there is anything wrong with you... just give it time and be yourself.

[Mary3]

To be honest : When we tell you that you are * nice * thats just another way of saying :"

 

You are a nice person but you aren't going to get anywhere with me because I am BORED because you are TOO nice !***Show me some Defiance !!!****

 

Another factor : Your breath maybe ?

Your personal hygeine ?

Your possible ineptness with the way to handle us ( kissing , strok hugs, massage ect, ect.

 

There's alot to be said about why and how a women interacts with you and if she feels an *attraction* so much that it could fill the pages for many weeks.

 

My best advice : Be yourself !

Stop being so dam nice

 

We dont want a * sap * We want a MAN !!