ippn1 Posted May 27, 2013 Share Posted May 27, 2013 ...cheated in the past (when she was 18 and is 22 now) Her 1st BF of 2 years cheated on her so they broke up. After 1 month she started dating new BF and after a while she figured out she didt get over her 1st BF so she cheated her new BF with her 1st BF. She said she will never forgive herself for what she did to her 2nd BF. I figured out she isnt completely over her last bf since we have been dating - 1 month. Link to post Share on other sites
metal_chick Posted May 27, 2013 Share Posted May 27, 2013 ...cheated in the past (when she was 18 and is 22 now) Her 1st BF of 2 years cheated on her so they broke up. After 1 month she started dating new BF and after a while she figured out she didt get over her 1st BF so she cheated her new BF with her 1st BF. She said she will never forgive herself for what she did to her 2nd BF. I figured out she isnt completely over her last bf since we have been dating - 1 month. Cheating is WAAAAAY more common than we'd like to admit. Even happy, secure people cheat. We don't talk about it, because society's judgment is so harsh of it. If we weeded out potential mates on the basis of whether they'd cheated at some point in their past, we'd seriously narrow the dating pool. A lot. If she confessed that she cheated in the past, she's probably going to have a hell of a time keeping it from you if she doesn't the dirty on you. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Everyone should get a second chance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
shawngee Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Not a chance. Even if she had cheated once, I would avoid her like the plague. You can tell a lot about a persons true character in the fact that she wasn't able to end the current relationship before having sex with the other. Link to post Share on other sites
metal_chick Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Not a chance. Even if she had cheated once, I would avoid her like the plague. You can tell a lot about a persons true character in the fact that she wasn't able to end the current relationship before having sex with the other. The probability that you have already dated a woman who has cheated at some point in their past is extremely high already. With that kind of black and white thinking she's unlikely to confess to you if she has... Link to post Share on other sites
BustedUpInside Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 The probability that you have already dated a woman who has cheated at some point in their past is extremely high already. With that kind of black and white thinking she's unlikely to confess to you if she has... I agree with this. I also think there is a big difference between someone that has cheated once in a prior relationship and regrets it, and a serial cheater who doesn't really understand why it damages a relationship. If your girlfriend confessed about the prior transgression and seems sorry about it, then there is no reason to think that she will do it to you. You are the only one who can know for sure if she is an honorable, trustworthy person. If she is, then go for it. If you're not sure, then maybe you should move on to somebody you can trust because if you are always going to be doubting her fidelity then it is not fair to either one of you to continue the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
metal_chick Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 I agree with this. I also think there is a big difference between someone that has cheated once in a prior relationship and regrets it, and a serial cheater who doesn't really understand why it damages a relationship. Thank you. Everyone is entitled to a mistake. To so unilaterally condemn cheating and lump a one-time mistake in the same pile as pathological behavior is ridiculous. Have you ever walked out of the store without accidently paying for something? I've done that. Got all the way home before I realised. Does that make me a criminal? No! I made a mistake. I didn't do it again. It wasn't like I became addicted to the behaviour and suddenly became a klepto... Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Thank you. Everyone is entitled to a mistake. To so unilaterally condemn cheating and lump a one-time mistake in the same pile as pathological behavior is ridiculous. Have you ever walked out of the store without accidently paying for something? I've done that. Got all the way home before I realised. Does that make me a criminal? No! I made a mistake. I didn't do it again. It wasn't like I became addicted to the behaviour and suddenly became a klepto... The difference is that the latter is an accident while cheating is something a person chooses to do. Just because it is common does not mean I would ever settle for anything less than an honest person. If I were single and that meant I were alone then so be it. I have never cheated and I would expect the same from somebody who I date. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BustedUpInside Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 The difference is that the latter is an accident while cheating is something a person chooses to do. Just because it is common does not mean I would ever settle for anything less than an honest person. If I were single and that meant I were alone then so be it. I have never cheated and I would expect the same from somebody who I date. So, someone makes a mistake and then genuine regrets it and makes a vow to never do it again and should still be condemned in all future relationships? Geez, you are a tough one! I have never cheated either and I don't ever intend to, but I honestly think that if someone confessed to me that they made this mistake in a prior relationship, and felt extremely bad about it, and it wasn't a habitual thing, I would be able to handle it. I mean it's not like they cheated on you, right? They don't even have to tell you about it, because it is not really your business what they did in previous relationships, so the fact that a person would confess and look to their partner for support says a lot about their maturity and level of commitment to the relationship and should be praised instead of used against them in a contest of moral purity. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 So, someone makes a mistake and then genuine regrets it and makes a vow to never do it again and should still be condemned in all future relationships? Geez, you are a tough one! I have never cheated either and I don't ever intend to, but I honestly think that if someone confessed to me that they made this mistake in a prior relationship, and felt extremely bad about it, and it wasn't a habitual thing, I would be able to handle it. I mean it's not like they cheated on you, right? They don't even have to tell you about it, because it is not really your business what they did in previous relationships, so the fact that a person would confess and look to their partner for support says a lot about their maturity and level of commitment to the relationship and should be praised instead of used against them in a contest of moral purity. If it was a long long time ago and they truly showed some remorse without blaming the person they cheated on then maybe I would bend a little but for the most part it is a dealbreaker to me. If they did it to somebody else they will do it to me. Morals don't change based on the person. I am actually very liberal about many things but trustworthiness is a huge thing for me in relationships. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toddbt12y1 Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Cheating certainly is not a mistake. Unless somehow his and her pants/clothes happened to fall of...whilst they fell on each other. A regretful person. Who won't do it again...is worth the chance. A serial cheater...who...even in the past has cheated multiple times(like my ex) isn't worth it. Chances are...they'd cheat again. I also agree with Woggle. Fact is...even though cheating as nasty as it is...is being accepted fast...doesn't mean I should settle for that. Serial = no way. Once in forever - OK... Mistake? Heck no. I wouldn't date any remorseful cheater that calls cheating a "mistake." It is damping the acceptance of blame. A mere wrist-slap vs the greater damage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
metal_chick Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 I still reckon the chances are that nearly all of us has slept with someone who had an indescretion in their past, and based on the responses here, no wonder there isn't a reliable study on the actual statistics of cheating... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 I still reckon the chances are that nearly all of us has slept with someone who had an indescretion in their past, and based on the responses here, no wonder there isn't a reliable study on the actual statistics of cheating... Probably but my wife feels the same way I do about cheating. She dated a guy for six months then dumped him on the spot when she found out he cheated on his ex and tried to justify it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
metal_chick Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Probably but my wife feels the same way I do about cheating. She dated a guy for six months then dumped him on the spot when she found out he cheated on his ex and tried to justify it. I'm not saying justify it. But I thinkit's sad that it's still one of the great social taboos that we can't talk about because of fear of such harsh judgment. The conversation should be easy. "Yes, I cheated in the past. No, I don't plan on doing it again." To be made a pariah for the rest of your life for a slip that is ALL too common (and it is) seems completely unreasonable to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 I'm not saying justify it. But I thinkit's sad that it's still one of the great social taboos that we can't talk about because of fear of such harsh judgment. The conversation should be easy. "Yes, I cheated in the past. No, I don't plan on doing it again." To be made a pariah for the rest of your life for a slip that is ALL too common (and it is) seems completely unreasonable to me. I don't think a person should be a pariah for life but show some real remorse and take responsibility for it which is all too rare when it comes to cheaters. The persecution complex with some of them is unbelievable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toddbt12y1 Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 But...to call it a mistake or a slip-up is....in my opinion A way to dampen what cheating is. It should be taboo. It is a shameful act. Even I believe that a person who is truly sorry...regretful deserves a chance. But to lighten it up...is sad. Anyone who is being thrusted into several times knows what they're doing. That's no mistake. This ofc....being my opinion so I offend no one. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 I tend to trust people until they do something to betray that trust. Then it's gone. So if it was once and she felt bad about it, then I'd give it a pass if everything else was fine. But your question is why I really don't inquire about a person's relationship history. I couldn't care less for the most part what a person did before dating me. I care about how she treats me when she's dating me. And honestly, the second thing you mentioned (her not being over the last guy) is a bigger red flag right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
metal_chick Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 I don't think a person should be a pariah for life but show some real remorse and take responsibility for it which is all too rare when it comes to cheaters. The persecution complex with some of them is unbelievable. I think it's very complex. Remorse and responsibilty, definitely. I just think some of the other posters having such a black and white view haven't really experienced the kind of motivators that lead to something like that. We can't even know how many people have cheated in their past because people don't admit to it. And there are plenty of people who have said they would never cheat, and then one day... It would be a very narrow dating pool indeed... Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 I just think that if somebody with as many issues as me can manage to stay faithful why can't I ask the same of people I involve myself with? Link to post Share on other sites
metal_chick Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Agreed, Simon. I hate the conversation about past relationships, it's an obsession with some people to rake over the coals of your previous painful breakups. Unless there are kids that come as part of your package, who cares about the rest? So long as the STD test is clean, I say don't dwell on the past... Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Agreed, Simon. I hate the conversation about past relationships, it's an obsession with some people to rake over the coals of your previous painful breakups. Unless there are kids that come as part of your package, who cares about the rest? So long as the STD test is clean, I say don't dwell on the past... It's the same reason why people check your credit rating and your criminal record when you go to buy a house or apply for a job. Link to post Share on other sites
metal_chick Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 I just think that if somebody with as many issues as me can manage to stay faithful why can't I ask the same of people I involve myself with? I didn't say that. The OP asked would you reject someone who cheated in their past, not on you. Of course I'd have something to say about someone who cheated on ME. But if he cheated on a past girlfriend, I don't see what that has to do with my current relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 I didn't say that. The OP asked would you reject someone who cheated in their past, not on you. Of course I'd have something to say about someone who cheated on ME. But if he cheated on a past girlfriend, I don't see what that has to do with my current relationship. Because if he sees nothing wrong treating her like she is chopped liver what makes think his morals will all of a sudden change for you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toddbt12y1 Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Past indicator is often future indicators... Not always though. Personally I wouldn't delve into someone's past...unless they told me. Most people's pasts are dirty(not just from cheating). Link to post Share on other sites
metal_chick Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Because if he sees nothing wrong treating her like she is chopped liver what makes think his morals will all of a sudden change for you? Again, we need to distiguish between serial cheater and one-time cheater. They are, regardless of what anyone thinks, different. A serial cheater, yes, it's a great indicator of future behaviour and one should proceed with extreme caution. A one-time cheater, no, I would not condemn them on that behaviour until they cheated on me. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 It's the same reason why people check your credit rating and your criminal record when you go to buy a house or apply for a job. I guess that's one way to look at it. Kind of a depressing way, but to each their own. I mean, why bring preconceived biases into it when you don't have to? Establish a set of boundaries and stick to them. If they violate them, then you end things. But to each their own. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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