Would you date a girl who...

[Simon Phoenix]

i don't see how it's depressing. it's just common sense that people who used to be alcoholics, used to be abusive, used to big liars, are more likely to do those vices than people that do not have such a past. why take the risk assuming the feelings aren't there and you're finding out these things in the dating phase. time is valuable for some of us, and unfortunately serious change in people is a very rare event.

 

You are likely to waste a lot more time playing detective than you would if you just let things naturally take their course. But maybe you should just go the whole nine yards and have all prospective dating applicants take a lie detector test and a piss and hair test. I say do it up like they are applying to be a federal agent.

Edited May 28, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[metal_chick]

You are likely to waste a lot more time playing detective than you would if you just let things naturally take their course. But maybe you should just go the whole nine yards and have all prospective dating applicants take a lie detector test and a piss and hair test. I say do it up like they are applying to be a federal agent.

 

*snigger*

 

.

[Jono85]

You are likely to waste a lot more time playing detective than you would if you just let things naturally take their course. But maybe you should just go the whole nine yards and have all prospective dating applicants take a lie detector test and a piss and hair test. I say do it up like they are applying to be a federal agent.

 

you critisize someone for a straw argument, and then you go all pre-puberty on me with a ridiculous exageration. smooth.

[Simon Phoenix]

you critisize someone for a straw argument, and then you go all pre-puberty on me with a ridiculous exageration. smooth.

 

I just wanted to fit in with the thread. Everyone else was having fun besides me.

[Woggle]

I would just find out a person's views on cheating before you get seriously involved. That should give it away.

[Simon Phoenix]

I would just find out a person's views on cheating before you get seriously involved. That should give it away.

 

This is reasonable.

[Jono85]

yeah personally i always discuss certain bounderies with new partners, before we get into an official relationship. usually talk about exes, or cheating, etc always comes up. for me, you can't ever win me over in these talks (ie. everything you say i will take with a grain of salt...it's only one side, and ppl often lie about these sorts of things), BUT huge red flags or deal breakers may definitely arise. eg. if you are in any contact with a recent ex still, i'm out. if you aren't but that contact was fairly recent, i'm most likely also out.

 

this stuff doesn't require any crazy probing or anything, just usual talks in the dating phase. i find this stuff pretty invaluable personally b/c it can tell you what kind of person they might be or bounderies they might have/not have. (another example: girls that even stay in bad relationships where they were cheated on/abused, poses more redflags...etc).

[Simon Phoenix]

yeah personally i always discuss certain bounderies with new partners, before we get into an official relationship. usually talk about exes, or cheating, etc always comes up. for me, you can't ever win me over in these talks (ie. everything you say i will take with a grain of salt...it's only one side, and ppl often lie about these sorts of things), BUT huge red flags or deal breakers may definitely arise. eg. if you are in any contact with a recent ex still, i'm out. if you aren't but that contact was fairly recent, i'm most likely also out.

 

this stuff doesn't require any crazy probing or anything, just usual talks in the dating phase. i find this stuff pretty invaluable personally b/c it can tell you what kind of person they might be or bounderies they might have/not have. (another example: girls that even stay in bad relationships where they were cheated on/abused, poses more redflags...etc).

 

I don't ever ask about exes. Usually in natural conversation some will come up, but I would never ask. Honestly, it's not my business and it's obtrusive. A person interviewing me about my past would be a huge red flag to me.

 

Typically people who cheat tend to show off other undesirable behaviors (overly flirty to others when you are out, have a lot of guys clinging or hanging around, etc), people who are rude tend to treat waiters badly, people with alcohol problems tend to act sloppy drunk, etc. You can find out pretty much anything you need to know just be letting them be them. You don't need to have awkward "talks". JMO.

[BustedUpInside]

I don't ever ask about exes. Usually in natural conversation some will come up, but I would never ask. Honestly, it's not my business and it's obtrusive. A person interviewing me about my past would be a huge red flag to me.

 

Typically people who cheat tend to show off other undesirable behaviors (overly flirty to others when you are out, have a lot of guys clinging or hanging around, etc), people who are rude tend to treat waiters badly, people with alcohol problems tend to act sloppy drunk, etc. You can find out pretty much anything you need to know just be letting them be them. You don't need to have awkward "talks". JMO.

 

Boom......

[metal_chick]

A person interviewing me about my past would be a huge red flag to me.

 

Any guy who spends the first date digging around in my dating past, or rehashing theirs (oh my God what a pet peeve!!) doesn't get a second one.

[Jono85]

I don't ever ask about exes. Usually in natural conversation some will come up, but I would never ask. Honestly, it's not my business and it's obtrusive. A person interviewing me about my past would be a huge red flag to me.

 

Typically people who cheat tend to show off other undesirable behaviors (overly flirty to others when you are out, have a lot of guys clinging or hanging around, etc), people who are rude tend to treat waiters badly, people with alcohol problems tend to act sloppy drunk, etc. You can find out pretty much anything you need to know just be letting them be them. You don't need to have awkward "talks". JMO.

 

Well I don't ask about their previous relationships girls generally say why it didn't work out with their ex. I do ask when their last relationship was, and find out whether they're still in contact. And I'm not talking about the first date of course, I'm talking about girls that seem like relationship material.

 

I agree with your other stuff. I would never ask personal questions about someone's past relationships and to be honest if a girl goes on about any past relationships in any detail or with any emotion, that would be a red flag. That's why asking about recent relationship is important IMO, you can generally get a decent sense of whether they are over that person in what/how she says things.

[Suave]

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

[Simon Phoenix]

Well I don't ask about their previous relationships girls generally say why it didn't work out with their ex. I do ask when their last relationship was, and find out whether they're still in contact. And I'm not talking about the first date of course, I'm talking about girls that seem like relationship material.

 

I agree with your other stuff. I would never ask personal questions about someone's past relationships and to be honest if a girl goes on about any past relationships in any detail or with any emotion, that would be a red flag. That's why asking about recent relationship is important IMO, you can generally get a decent sense of whether they are over that person in what/how she says things.

 

I still wouldn't even do that. I really don't care in the least. That type of stuff will present itself naturally.

Edited May 28, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[metal_chick]

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

Oh wow, let's resort to bitter cliches... nice one.

[BustedUpInside]

Oh wow, let's resort to bitter cliches... nice one.

 

Seriously! By that logic, since half the people that posted on this thread are judgmental then I should assume that they are terrible partners because they probably always judge everything so harshly.

 

It is one thing to have preferences in a relationship, and to have a set of moral standards that you feel should be applied in your own relationship. However, to assume that because somebody was unfaithful in a past relationship that they could never be monogamous insinuates that no one is capable of growth or change and lacks a certain insight and maturity.

 

I may or may not date someone who has cheated in the past, but I would be a lot more hesitant to date someone that I felt would judge me harshly based on some arbitrary moral code that was uniformly imposed and not based on me as an individual.

[metal_chick]

Seriously! By that logic, since half the people that posted on this thread are judgmental then I should assume that they are terrible partners because they probably always judge everything so harshly.

 

It is one thing to have preferences in a relationship, and to have a set of moral standards that you feel should be applied in your own relationship. However, to assume that because somebody was unfaithful in a past relationship that they could never be monogamous insinuates that no one is capable of growth or change and lacks a certain insight and maturity.

 

I may or may not date someone who has cheated in the past, but I would be a lot more hesitant to date someone that I felt would judge me harshly based on some arbitrary moral code that was uniformly imposed and not based on me as an individual.

 

Like, like, like, like...

[metal_chick]

Seriously! By that logic, since half the people that posted on this thread are judgmental then I should assume that they are terrible partners because they probably always judge everything so harshly.

 

It is one thing to have preferences in a relationship, and to have a set of moral standards that you feel should be applied in your own relationship. However, to assume that because somebody was unfaithful in a past relationship that they could never be monogamous insinuates that no one is capable of growth or change and lacks a certain insight and maturity.

 

I may or may not date someone who has cheated in the past, but I would be a lot more hesitant to date someone that I felt would judge me harshly based on some arbitrary moral code that was uniformly imposed and not based on me as an individual.

 

And, at the end of the day, they can ask all they want. but if this is the kind of judgment people can expect when confessing their MISTAKES (as per the definitions I provided) - no wonder there's no way to form any accurate statistics on infidelity...

[Toddbt12y1]

Cheating in effect can be a mistake.

 

Not to sugar-coat it.

 

I.e. a person feels sorry for the mistake of cheating, which results in hurting the other person.

 

In this sense...a mistake isn't excusing the behavior. But perhaps to a cheater, "mistake" is the realization of what they did wrong...not the apology itself.

 

For those who believe in sin...in respect to those who believe in this...it wouldn't be a mistake...rather a direct violation.

 

In the end...it comes down to how the personal person feels about it.

 

Cheating is and isn't black and white. It is black/white, in that it clearly is wrong. Cause for cheating is gray. These gray areas are not excuses, nor should serve as an excuse. They still are motivators for cheating.

 

As I've said...once, is one thing. Forgiveness is golden. It doesn't mean you let it by. Forgiveness is an act of setting yourself free...

 

In anycase, this is all way off the OT.

 

In the end, cheating is wrong. No matter the excuse(believe me some reasons to cheat are damn good...I.e. abusive situations) but it is still wrong. Depends on the eyes viewing it.

 

I personally wouldn't date anyone with a past history of cheating - that is my choice. Bias, motivated by past experience, but my choice nonetheless.

 

I certainly do not ask about a past. Even still...if they tell me...it is my choice on how I respond.

[Suave]

Oh wow, let's resort to bitter cliches... nice one.

 

Sorry, but if there's something so wrong in a relationship that you feel the need to cheat on the person you're with - you end the relationship. End of story.

 

Sure, people are capable of growth. But once you've been hurt, it's always in the back of your mind. The key is to not let it grow into a stereotype and view everyone in the same light after it's happened, which is not what I was trying to do there. I for one would have difficulties overlooking something like that, but that's personal.

Edited May 28, 2013 by Suave

[metal_chick]

Sure, people are capable of growth. But once you've been hurt, it's always in the back of your mind. The key is to not let it grow into a stereotype and view everyone in the same light after it's happened, which is not what I was trying to do there.

 

Yes, but by using a saying like "Once a cheater, always a cheater", that is exactly what you are doing.

[aisuru]

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

Disagree.

 

There is a big difference in the motivation to cheat when you're 22 versus when you're 32. I'm 36. I'll overlook cheating when somebody was 22. At 32? Not so much.

[Simon Phoenix]

Sorry, but if there's something so wrong in a relationship that you feel the need to cheat on the person you're with - you end the relationship. End of story.

 

Sure, people are capable of growth. But once you've been hurt, it's always in the back of your mind. The key is to not let it grow into a stereotype and view everyone in the same light after it's happened, which is not what I was trying to do there. I for one would have difficulties overlooking something like that, but that's personal.

 

So if you dated a 27-year-old woman who cheated on her boyfriend when she was 16, realized it was a s--t thing to do and had never done anything remotely resembling it since you'd consider them permanently scarred? If that's what you are saying (and that's what your blanket statement that you opened with suggested IMO), I think that's overly harsh. Cheating sucks, but plenty of people engage in crappy behavior when they are young and immature but grow out of it with time and experience.

 

As for the "once you've been hurt, it's always in the back of your mind", that's just allowing the cheater to continue to defeat you after the fact. I've been cheated on, it sucked, but I just cut the cheater out of my life and moved on. In fact, it was one of the easiest relationships I've ever recovered from because once that line is crossed, there's no going back. Have a line and enforce it and you won't have to worry about being "scarred" or having the cheater completely beat you. JMO though.

[Leigh 87]

If it was a long long time ago and they truly showed some remorse without blaming the person they cheated on then maybe I would bend a little but for the most part it is a dealbreaker to me. If they did it to somebody else they will do it to me. Morals don't change based on the person. I am actually very liberal about many things but trustworthiness is a huge thing for me in relationships.

 

 

I cheated when I was 18. And on a non serious bf when I was 16.

 

I am 26 now and there is NO WAY... I would cheat.

 

I have had guys jump at me and try to grope me, that I have vehemently pushed away, on a FEW occasions.

 

I was so in love with my ex I would NEVER have cheated.

 

Where as I was not in love with those other men.

 

Now I know to only date people I am really into and eventually love, rather than staying with a person I do not feel strongly about.

 

I am mature enough to see that I should END a relationship PRIOR to getting with someone else.

 

My values have changed.

[Leigh 87]

The thought of cheating on a man I TRULY LOVE actually makes me feel nauseous.

 

Even at the time I cheated I fessed up and admitted I was an idiot for it. I felt very ashamed.

 

One of the times, when I was 16; the guy was not into me and he was in love with my friend whom he had previously dated and was desperately in love with. He always talked about wanting to try and get her back.

 

Turns out, she was a lesbian:lmao:

 

Anyway. Went out with dude who was not much into me. I had no idea what "boundaries" were, and a super hot guy came over. I sat on his lap thinking it was harmless. I had a super high sex drive and like this guy better than my bf.

 

I ended up telling him right away. Even when I wasn't mature enough to know about boundaries ( at age 26 I WOULD NOT sit on another dudes lap!) I STILL wasn't able to keep something like that to myself:sick:

 

Also when I was 16 - a guy I know, a SERIAL cheater who wanted to hook up with ALL his female friends - wanted to hook up with me.

 

He has a long term g/f. I knowingly let him cheat with me, cos I was horny and had not done anything sexual before.

 

Afterwards I felt so terrible for his g/f that I sent her a message RIGHT AWAY.

 

..............

 

Us former "cheaters" are not the same people we were when we weren't fully developed and matured.

..........

 

The guy when I was 18? A long distance R. I met him once, then he left.

 

We talked and he eventually moved to be with me...

 

I told him over a year and a half later about my cheating, and he burst out crying and was totally heartbroken.......

 

I will NEVER put anyone through that again! I was not even IN love with him either.

 

.........

 

The thought of putting a man I actually LOVE through that is the most sickening thing I can think of, besides torture and abusing puppies.

[ippn1]

Her 2nd BF was a rebound (started dating after 1 month after she broke up with her 1st BF). She said she was in love with new BF but then suddenly realized she is not over him. So she went back to him (they were having sex multiple times while she was in relationship with her new BF). So after he found out (I dont know who told him) he changed and cheated her back and neglected her. She blame herself for everything bad he did in a relationship after that. They were together 3 years (they broke up a few times but always got back).

 

As far as cheating - She knew how much that hurt since she recently experienced that with her 1st BF but she did that then to another person (new BF). I know you are not mature at that age but sill, that is very egoistical/selfish. I think you must be selfish person to do that and that do not change after years...