Mental health and dating

[Vinegar]

Do you have social anxiety? Because I used to have it real bad. You might not realize you are internally freaking out when around people. Are you o.k. to socialize around friends?

[colejack]

Do you ask women out? Say at your running club or theatre stuff etc etc? A simple hey wanna grab a coffee or what you doing for dinner, want to check out that new place around the corner?

 

It's been a while since I asked a girl out since I haven't met anyone new for a few months. I think I mentioned that the last girl I asked out turned out to be a nightmare. Before her was a string of girls I knew through different activities. I'd do exactly what you said - ask if she wants to get coffee or pizza or something. Sometimes she accepts, sometimes she doesn't. The times where she accepts usually only last for one or two dates. I don't think I do anything horribly wrong. I talk about her interests, do my best to connect to them, make her laugh all the time, etc. The one thing I don't really do that I see some people saying is getting sexual. I was brought up to be a gentleman and while I love getting physical when the time comes, making sexual comments before anything physical happens seems off and lewd to me.

 

Like I said though, it's been a while. If I could meet more girls to ask out, that would get things turning.

 

It sounds like you are a nice, grounded and interesting guy... So my next question is what do you dress like? Maybe you need a bit of a makeover? (Many chronically single guys do! )

 

Thank you. No idea whether my clothes are cool or not. I generally wear jeans, sometimes khakis or more sporty khaki-looking hiking pants. Polo shirts, button-up collar shirts, or t-shirts if I'm more casual. I have a few of them but I try to avoid wearing funny or band graphic t-shirts unless I'm just going over a guy's house and hanging out with a few people.

 

Do you have social anxiety? Because I used to have it real bad. You might not realize you are internally freaking out when around people. Are you o.k. to socialize around friends?

 

I don't think so...not anymore at least. When I'm in totally new situations alone, I start out more reserved and slowly become more outgoing. When I have at least one person I know in a new situation around new people, I'll be far more outgoing and my sense of humor will come out more. It's all a matter of feeling comfortable and feeling like I have something to work with. I find it difficult to talk to a girl without knowing a single thing about her. If I manage to get past that hurdle and find out more about her, I'm usually set and can go off of that.

 

[quote=daisybuchanan55;

4921577]I have a few things to say here...

 

First, I'm sorry you've had to deal at ALL with mental illness. I've dealt with anxiety/depression my entire life which no one ever believes because I am such a social, outgoing, happy person. I was great at masking the problems/pain. I truly empathize with anyone dealing with any sort of mental illness. Unless you've been there, it's hard to understand.

 

Thank you for your empathy. I appreciate it.

 

That being said...you are the PERFECT candidate for online dating. PERFECT!!! Online, you come across and friendly, funny and outgoing. If you hadn't said anything about your mental issues I never would have known from your writing. You are clearly intelligent and have a lot to say!!

 

Get on a dating site like howaboutwe.com, Tinder (it's an app a lot of young people use), OKCupid.com or even Match.com. Form online relationships with girls FIRST, before meeting them. Then when you do meet in person, she will have an idea about your personality and it will be more like meeting a friend than trying to impress a complete stranger.

 

I'm glad you think that, but I've tried a number of online sites, including a few that you mentioned, and find the whole process frustrating with very little return. Not to mention, aside from girls rarely replying, I myself would feel strange meeting someone I met online. I guess it's not much different from meeting a random girl in a bar that you know nothing about, though. I asked some people on here a few weeks ago about online dating and they were skeptical about it and told me I had to tailor my profile word-for-word to have any hope to get any kind or response. I'd be willing to continue trying if you have anything that can improve my experience with it.

 

As far as in-person interactions go, I think you need to get with a therapist who will work with you on trying to "let go" of your assumption that all your past issues are negatively affecting your dating life. They may be...but they may not be. It might very well be all in your head that you are "weird" or "different" or "scaring people off"...and your opinion of yourself may be what is turning people off, not a previous mental illness that no one even knows or assumes you have.

 

That therapist didn't last. My dad said something similar to me also, but that was one point I disagreed with him on. I see a different therapist now every now and then who is much better. He tells me that I'm a pleasant and funny guy when I open up, and at most I might intimidate people and give the wrong impression when people first see or hear me, as I have very strong masculine features and a very deep voice.

 

Girls like confident, capable men. Just because you are accomplished in your career/hobbies does not mean you are coming across as a capable dater. I know plenty of idiot d-bags with no hobbies or intelligence who seem to attract plenty of girls simply because they are confident in their ability to attract women. You need that. So, keep up your hobbies if they make you happy, but don't do them to impress or meet women. Interacting with girls is a completely different skill.

 

Haha, I know plenty of guys who are the same. When it comes down to it, I definitely have confidence. I've shown confidence, good decision-making, and leadership in a lot of clutch situations. Like you said, though, that might not show to women, and I might not have the kind of blatantly evident confidence that I need. The concept of confidence in attraction always confused me, since I know guys who get lots of women and show themselves as "confident" but are wimps in so many other ways. I was once out with this one guy who was kinda an arrogant jerk. We went to a bar with karaoke. I had a ton of fun singing and tried to get him to come up and do it, but he wouldn't. Instead he stood back and made fun of people's bad singing all night. He obviously wasn't confident enough to go up and risk potentially being a bad singer, when really no one should care if they're good or bad as long as it's fun. It's freakin karaoke. This guy gets tons of women though and is perceived as really confident.

 

You need to go out to bars and learn the art of flirting, talking and being comfortable around girls. Find a friend whose style you admire and ask him to teach you. Or go out to a bar and watch a master at work. If you want a great book on the subject, read "The Game" by Neil Strauss.

 

I think I mentioned earlier that because of how I was raised, I tend to not make flirty or sexual comments around girls. I'm totally comfortable talking to a new girl, but I rely on showing myself as an interesting guy with a lot going on as opposed to guiding conversations to be more sexual. Making sexual comments never felt right to me. I haven't read The Game but I've looked into other PUA stuff. I feel like most of it gives guys a way to come off as witty and cool, which is good, but I'm confident that once I'm talking to a girl, as long as she has a little bit of substance, that's enough for me to work off of and show that side of me. And for the ones that don't have that substance and I can't talk about anything with, well, they're obviously not worth it.

 

I could use a lesson or two on how to be more flirty. That part I'm totally clueless about. I never know the line between what's flirty and what's inappropriate or cheesy. I've always assumed girls wanted to keep anything sexual private.

 

If I sound harsh, I apologize, but I want you to be as successful as possible in this arena. You deserve love!!!

 

Thanks! I know I do!

[colejack]

There are plenty of men and women in NYC who can't get a date. Normal!

 

You are thinking about it the wrong way. You need to focus on will you like the women you meet, not will they like you. That puts you in control of the situation somewhat and causes less anxiety. If a woman rejects you, tell yourself it's really a good thing because you are one woman closer to Miss Right. Imagine everyone has a line of people they have to meet and/or date before they can finally meet their "soulmate." That keeps you from hanging onto someone who is wrong for you. You don't want to waste unnecessary time.

 

I was responding to that other guy's comment, trying to lend some optimism. I don't know though. I guess I've done both - looking for girls that are into me and going after those I know I'm into. More recently its been the latter. There have been many times in the past where I said, "I like this girl so I'm asking her out. Who cares what she thinks of me?" Those times have been unsuccessful. Meanwhile there are girls around who I know are into me, but I don't want to go out with them for various reasons. I feel like I've asked out enough girls that I like so that at least one of them would have said yes, but it hasn't happened yet.

[ThaWholigan]

I have an Asperger's diagnosis also (as well as a high functioning autism one). A lot of people cannot tell - but I know I have it, I'm just really good at hiding it .

 

If I were you, I wouldn't dwell on it at all. Its not even a mental illness.

[daisybuchanan55]

Okay, after reading your whole response I think I can identify your problem:

 

You are, for the most part, way too into your own way of doing things.

 

Most suggestions people have given you've brushed off and/or provided an excuse for why that won't work/why it's the girl's fault/how you were raised. It's almost like you want us to tell you where to find a girl who will fit into your mold so you don't have to change one bit. You are stubborn!

 

News flash: you're going to have to make some changes. It's harsh, I know, but look at it this way. Is YOUR way working for you? I didn't think so.

 

Years ago I was miserable because I could never attract the men I wanted. I knew I had a great personality but unfortunately I lacked confidence and was jealous/resentful of girls who got what I wanted...a certain type of guy.

 

One day freshman year of college it dawned on me: BECOME the girl I was jealous of and see what happens. You won't hear this advice from many people but trust me, it changed my life. I was happier and more confident than ever before. Because I looked a certain way I was finally getting attention and my personality blossomed.

 

You need to do a similar "makeover":

 

1. What kind of girl are you attracted to? Pick a celebrity. Now look at the type of men those girls are into. Try to dress like them. Sorry, khakis aren't gonna cut it! You need to look COOL. Make sure the shoes are cool. Invest in some nice clothes if you can. Have a salesperson help you. Do something cool and current with your hair. If you're pale, get a nice tan.

 

2. Observe men who seem to be getting what you want. IMITATE THEM. Literally, just do everything they do. You have to fake it till you make it!

 

3. Don't dwell on failure. Just move on and try again.

 

As far as your fear of coming off as "too sexual" or creeping out a girl, just use your best judgement and feel it out. I think this may be your Aspberger's coming into play...worrying about not being able to understand subtleties in jokes vs. inappropriateness, etc. You should work with your therapist on this. Trust me though, the only way you're going to get better at judging how appropriate something is is to make some mistakes.

 

You need to date as much as possible. It's a skill. That's why I think online dating is awesome. Try Tinder. No profile required--just a Facebook profile. It's an app. Download it now.

[Adele0908]

Years ago I went through some dark times due to mental health issues. I was diagnosed with various illnesses but I don't think there was one fully correct diagnosis for me, only symptoms from a few of them. It was the worst when I was 17. Since then, I've had to deal with it but to a much lesser extent. I've done my best not to let my condition rule me or define me. Since my very bad times, I've done so much with myself. If you look at me today, on paper I seem like a totally normal successful guy with a job, apartment, car, etc. I do many artistic and athletic activities, am in the best shape of my life, and am always trying to get into new activities.

 

I've never been in a relationship or dated anyone a long period of time, though. I seldom date girls to begin with. The last one was about 5 months ago, and she turned out to be very selfish and cruel, and that was the only time I dated someone for more than a month. Besides her, the past year and a half since I've been living and working on my own have been completely dry. And like I said, it seems like I'm doing great, but I can't meet women. That's what makes me suspect that maybe my old mental illness is somehow involved.

 

A doctor once told me about a possibility - that as optimistic and friendly I can make myself be around people, sometimes there's simply something deep in my demeanor and face that turns people off. It's something that people don't consciously realize nor can I consciously control. It's only the remnants of the bad times I've had in the past coming out incredibly subtly through my eyes or something. I really don't want to believe that, but I don't know any alternatives. When I ask people who know me why I might have so much trouble meeting new friends and women, they're stumped, because everything else about me suggests that I should have it easy.

 

Has anyone else gone through something similar or have any advice? I'll say that I'll continue to do my best to remain positive and keep up what I'm doing with my job, exercise, music, and everything else. But it does get lonely a lot of times. I've learned to deal with loneliness, but I don't want to be lonely forever. I've gone a year and a half in my current stable and otherwise successful state, so I'm not sure what else I can do to eventually alleviate the problem of loneliness.

 

First off, many artistic and talented people have "mental health issues".

Artistic people tend to be more sensitive and see the world differently. It helps with artistic expression, but can be tough when relating to less sensitive people. So just know that you are in the company of many great and tortured artists. Lol, it may sound bad, but most great artists were mentally unstable.

 

Now here's the thing, social skills take work to develop. It's not really something you are born with. Abraham Lincoln started his career as a cranky and unlikeable person, and had to develop his social skills through trial and error. So don't be afraid to pick up a book or two about how to deal with people or women. The most successful people are usually those who take matters into their own hands and learn to conquer their obstacles head on. Books like "How to Win Friends and Influence People" (which I'm reading lol) or "Way of the Superior Man" can be helpful to a person trying to improve social skills. I read The Power of Now to teach myself to stop thinking about the past and future and focus on the present. When you want change, you have to do the work. Whether it is your career, mental health, or love life.

 

Also, people can sense when someone is not being themselves and is trying to "get something" (money, friends, companionship, girlfriend, etc). But when you are wrapped up in your own problems, it is hard to develop a genuine interest in other people. Another thing, emotional instability/turmoil gives off a certain "vibe". Just like bubbliness, joy, and happiness give off a vibe. So the vibe that we emit (whether it is sadness, happiness, depression, insecurity), is what we tend to attract back to us. So happy secure people may be repelled by sad insecure people. And sad insecure people will be attracted to each other. You ever hear the saying "Birds of a feather flock together?"

Basic Law of Attraction.

 

So the fact that you noticed this is really good, it means that you are ready for something different, and basically your life is about to change for the better. Good luck

[TheGuard13]

I went through something similar myself, in high school and college. I dealt with severe depression and anxiety, and it took me years to realize I was driving people away simply with my demeanor.

 

Dealing with a mental illness is difficult, both when it's your own, and when you're trying to date someone with one. A lot of people can't handle "normal" relationships in a healthy way, let alone someone with greater depression, insecurities, paranoia, etc. You're going to have to find good people who can deal with adversity, and with different types of people.

 

But also recognize that while it's stigmatized (what isn't?) in our society, a LOT of people deal with mental health issues. Any interesting person I've ever met has, that's for sure.

[colejack]

Okay, after reading your whole response I think I can identify your problem:

 

You are, for the most part, way too into your own way of doing things.

 

Most suggestions people have given you've brushed off and/or provided an excuse for why that won't work/why it's the girl's fault/how you were raised. It's almost like you want us to tell you where to find a girl who will fit into your mold so you don't have to change one bit. You are stubborn!

 

News flash: you're going to have to make some changes. It's harsh, I know, but look at it this way. Is YOUR way working for you? I didn't think so.

 

Years ago I was miserable because I could never attract the men I wanted. I knew I had a great personality but unfortunately I lacked confidence and was jealous/resentful of girls who got what I wanted...a certain type of guy.

 

One day freshman year of college it dawned on me: BECOME the girl I was jealous of and see what happens. You won't hear this advice from many people but trust me, it changed my life. I was happier and more confident than ever before. Because I looked a certain way I was finally getting attention and my personality blossomed.

 

Forgive me if I seem like I'm brushing off suggestions or blaming anyone. I'm here for help and am willing to consider and discuss anything, not to mention I greatly appreciate all responses. I'm merely pointing out that I have tried many things already. I am a resourceful person and try many things on my own before asking others for help. It's not that I'm shooting down suggestions, it's more like I'm saying, "I've tried that or do that now to some extent. Is there anything more I can do with it?"

 

1. What kind of girl are you attracted to? Pick a celebrity. Now look at the type of men those girls are into. Try to dress like them. Sorry, khakis aren't gonna cut it! You need to look COOL. Make sure the shoes are cool. Invest in some nice clothes if you can. Have a salesperson help you. Do something cool and current with your hair. If you're pale, get a nice tan.

 

I admit I know little about fashion. I wouldn't mind getting some cool clothes, however I don't really know where I would wear them. Most places I go people are dressed very casually and I can't really tell a difference between what I'm wearing and what they're wearing (though, to a woman's refined sense of fashion, there may be differences). What exactly is your definition of cool clothes?

 

You need to date as much as possible. It's a skill. That's why I think online dating is awesome. Try Tinder. No profile required--just a Facebook profile. It's an app. Download it now.

 

I downloaded and have been using it for a few days. While it seems a little superficial, it's definitely honest in the sense that you filter through looks first, like you would out face-to-face. I really like it's simplicity. No matches yet, but I'll give it some time.

 

3. Don't dwell on failure. Just move on and try again.

 

Can't disagree with that!

 

2. Observe men who seem to be getting what you want. IMITATE THEM. Literally, just do everything they do. You have to fake it till you make it!

 

As far as your fear of coming off as "too sexual" or creeping out a girl, just use your best judgement and feel it out. I think this may be your Aspberger's coming into play...worrying about not being able to understand subtleties in jokes vs. inappropriateness, etc. You should work with your therapist on this. Trust me though, the only way you're going to get better at judging how appropriate something is is to make some mistakes.

 

Here's my feeling on this. I'd like to imitate whatever guys do to meet more women to begin with. That's my core problem. I haven't met anyone new in months. I'm in a new town by myself and am not good at forging a brand new social circle with absolutely no help. With the way I act, I'm confident that once I meet more girls my age, I will attract enough that I want to go out with. Believe me, I've worked on this before and have come a very long way. When I was 15 I was too nervous to make eye contact with people when I talked to them. Now, in the right situations, I can be incredibly outgoing and funny and have that great "I can say anything to anyone" feeling, which is what you're probably referring to when you say imitate guys. I could get away with being a little more direct about my intentions with girls, and I'll make sure to try that to see how far I can. Not all girls will like my style or sense of humor, but that's fine; enough will. I just need to meet them.

 

Also, people can sense when someone is not being themselves and is trying to "get something" (money, friends, companionship, girlfriend, etc). But when you are wrapped up in your own problems, it is hard to develop a genuine interest in other people. Another thing, emotional instability/turmoil gives off a certain "vibe". Just like bubbliness, joy, and happiness give off a vibe. So the vibe that we emit (whether it is sadness, happiness, depression, insecurity), is what we tend to attract back to us. So happy secure people may be repelled by sad insecure people. And sad insecure people will be attracted to each other. You ever hear the saying "Birds of a feather flock together?"

Basic Law of Attraction.

 

That's why I do my best to remain positive. Fortunately, my lowest times are when I'm stuck home alone. There have been times when I was out somewhere where everything was going wrong, but I kept my cool really well and got through the situations. So, I am thinking positive when I'm in public, and when I have a friend or two around me I'm genuinely really happy.

 

I want to believe the idea that like-minded people gravitate toward each other, though I have to say that despite me doing my best to be happy when I'm out, more bad people come to me than good, haha. A few nights ago I was sitting in a bar having dinner just relaxing and this guy sat next to me. He seemed friendly at first, but I soon realized that this guy was not right and he began to threaten me and physically was trying to provoke me into a fight. I joked with a friend about the incident saying that some guys sit down at a bar and have pretty girls talk to them, while I sit down at a bar and have crazy guys grab my nipples and threaten to bash my teeth in with a bat. This crap seems to happen a lot, and I could deal with it better if now and then I had a random good encounter with a person...preferably a sweet pretty girl.

 

I don't mean to make it seem like those encounters will deter me, and ultimately I shouldn't give too much thought to them, but it does get a bit frustrating sometimes. I'll deal with it, but I just wanted to get that thought off my chest.

 

I went through something similar myself, in high school and college. I dealt with severe depression and anxiety, and it took me years to realize I was driving people away simply with my demeanor.

 

Dealing with a mental illness is difficult, both when it's your own, and when you're trying to date someone with one. A lot of people can't handle "normal" relationships in a healthy way, let alone someone with greater depression, insecurities, paranoia, etc. You're going to have to find good people who can deal with adversity, and with different types of people.

 

But also recognize that while it's stigmatized (what isn't?) in our society, a LOT of people deal with mental health issues. Any interesting person I've ever met has, that's for sure.

 

I like to think that, while I suffered in the past, that maybe it made me a better person overall. If I never had my mental issues, I probably wouldn't have the same empathy for others or understanding of certain ideas. I was an athlete through college, and while I made a good friend or two through it, I clashed with a number of other jockish guys because I saw them bully and mistreat others. It bothered me how little compassion they had for people and animals. I think that if I didn't have my mental issues in the past, I might not have as much empathy and not have found some of what they did so bad. So I think it has given me more character, for what it's worth.

[Adele0908]

That's why I do my best to remain positive. Fortunately, my lowest times are when I'm stuck home alone. There have been times when I was out somewhere where everything was going wrong, but I kept my cool really well and got through the situations. So, I am thinking positive when I'm in public, and when I have a friend or two around me I'm genuinely really happy.

 

I want to believe the idea that like-minded people gravitate toward each other, though I have to say that despite me doing my best to be happy when I'm out, more bad people come to me than good, haha. A few nights ago I was sitting in a bar having dinner just relaxing and this guy sat next to me. He seemed friendly at first, but I soon realized that this guy was not right and he began to threaten me and physically was trying to provoke me into a fight. I joked with a friend about the incident saying that some guys sit down at a bar and have pretty girls talk to them, while I sit down at a bar and have crazy guys grab my nipples and threaten to bash my teeth in with a bat. This crap seems to happen a lot, and I could deal with it better if now and then I had a random good encounter with a person...preferably a sweet pretty girl.

 

I don't mean to make it seem like those encounters will deter me, and ultimately I shouldn't give too much thought to them, but it does get a bit frustrating sometimes. I'll deal with it, but I just wanted to get that thought off my chest.

 

-Well as long as you are alive, things can happen that are displeasing or annoying. It's a part of life. Accept that things can't be perfect all the time. You are on the right track when you say that you kept your cool during a bad situation. It's not so much that you have to keep your cool. It's that you have the power to raise or lower your mood. I sat at the bar of this sushi place at happy hour to have a quick meal while shopping and there was a group of idiot guys next to me going on about how I was there to "catch a man", which I was not, I'm actually in a relationship. So stupidity can happen anywhere. It's not just your mindset/reality/mentality that you have to consider, there are millions of other mindsets/realities/mentalities. So the key here is to not take anything personally.

 

Also it's not YOU that is experiencing bad things. You are the experiencer/observer. You basically are a witness to life. You observe life. You could walk down the street and witness someone get shot. You had nothing to do with it, you were just a witness. So when weird things happen like at the bar, just see it as you witnessing a person acting strangely. That's it. It has nothing to do with you, or your life, and it's not personal. That's the secret to not feeling like bad things are happening to you. There really is no YOU. There's just the watcher (consciousness) and the mind. That's it. Pretty deep stuff huh? Tee hee

[colejack]

Well as long as you are alive, things can happen that are displeasing or annoying. It's a part of life. Accept that things can't be perfect all the time. You are on the right track when you say that you kept your cool during a bad situation. It's not so much that you have to keep your cool. It's that you have the power to raise or lower your mood. I sat at the bar of this sushi place at happy hour to have a quick meal while shopping and there was a group of idiot guys next to me going on about how I was there to "catch a man", which I was not, I'm actually in a relationship. So stupidity can happen anywhere. It's not just your mindset/reality/mentality that you have to consider, there are millions of other mindsets/realities/mentalities. So the key here is to not take anything personally.

 

Also it's not YOU that is experiencing bad things. You are the experiencer/observer. You basically are a witness to life. You observe life. You could walk down the street and witness someone get shot. You had nothing to do with it, you were just a witness. So when weird things happen like at the bar, just see it as you witnessing a person acting strangely. That's it. It has nothing to do with you, or your life, and it's not personal. That's the secret to not feeling like bad things are happening to you. There really is no YOU. There's just the watcher (consciousness) and the mind. That's it. Pretty deep stuff huh? Tee hee

 

You're right about everything. I'm happy with my ability to control my mood and handle situations out in public, in fact people have told me many times that I've handled very bad situations better than they would have. It's when I get back to my apartment and digest everything alone that I start to make all these false connections and take things personally. It was part of my problem years ago, and I'm able to quell that kind of thinking for the most part, but it still comes out every now and then if enough things are going wrong and I'm all alone.

 

I really just want to get out and meet new people in my town. I just can't help but feel like I don't fit in with my age group. I seem to fit in and appear attractive to a number of other groups, but not my own. That is one of the biggest things that has confused me, which is why I began to suspect my old mental illness.

[Adele0908]

Maybe you just don't have as much in common with your age group at the moment. What's wrong with that? You might have more life experience, more wisdom, or be more spiritually evolved. It seems that you do make friends and meet people, so just focus on enjoying the people that you do get along with. Don't worry about what you think is wrong, just be grateful for what's going right.

[Ordinaryday]

To be honest, I know what you are going through as I am sort of going through the same thing. Over the past few months I have become incredibly depressed which makes you a real downer and not fun to be around. the problem is that most women want a guy who is eager, enthusiastic, energetic and full of life and fun, and they will reject a guy who is not those things.

 

which leads people like us to a situation: either accept that most women will never be interested in us, or 'fake' being eager, enthusiastic, etc and maybe get a girl for awhile but it will be on false pretenses as you will not be presenting your 'real' you to her and your real you will come out eventually anyway.... you can hide it for awhile but no matter how hard you try she will eventually see it.

 

I have experienced this myself. I don't know a solution sorry. my friends have told me to simply "start being fun" but that is like telling an alcoholic "simply stop drinking and all your problems will be gone" - if it was that easy then WE WOULD BLOODY DO IT!

[mortensorchid]

Mental illness is a real thing. It can by physical, it can be chemical, it can be many things. We all go through good and bad times in our lives, and we change. Some of those changes have to do with circumstances, others with geography, others with maturity. I'm a different person than I was 20 years ago, I'm sure everyone else can say the same. I suffer from depressions, but I learned to deal with it based on my surroundings and meds and seeing a therapist. If you don't want to get better, then you're not going to get better. But those changes have to start within you.

 

If not, you will go down a path of fear, anger, anxiety and paranoia and drive yourself crazy. And you can't let others make you insane either. Pull yourself up, then look at others. If you are with someone who is depressed or going down a path it can drag you down with. Trust me, I know what you are feeling. But when you are with someone who is depressed and causes problems because of it, there is really nothing you can do. If you are the person who is down, you must pull yourself out and take a chance rather than retreat into yourself if you want it to work. If you are the one who is ok and the other is not, you can consider letting them go or consider what their future will be with or without you.

 

I myself had to learn not to do a typical female thing which is to think I can "fix it" or "change it", because that's something that's not going to get fixed by me. If you make bad choices, you will suffer. If you make good ones, you will be happy. End of story.

[colejack]

I just revisited this thread. I stayed away from these forums for a few weeks, which you'll understand why in a bit. I'm not depressed, in fact I'm handling some horrible months in my life better than I ever have. Very few good things have naturally come my way while many very bad things have, but I still am active and am trying really hard to find something good. To summarize...

 

It started with my dog dying. He was my best friend, and he died far too young of an incurable heart problem. It broke my heart. At the time, I was dating this girl, and things were going really well with her. However, in some totally messed up and mind-blowing way, my dog's death somehow caused her to turn completely on me and reveal her true colors. It's like she was annoyed that I was paying attention to him and couldn't emphasize with why I was sad over an animal. I'll just say that she put me through hell those last two weeks we were together, until we parted ways and have never encountered each other since.

 

Instead of sitting around depressed, I responded to this by working out more and doing volunteer work at animal shelters to be around other dogs. I also began writing a music project I've been planning out for a while. I faced another big setback when I found out my other project - a rock musical I wrote and produced the previous year - was rejected from every festival I sent it to. This motivated me even more to work on my new project - to create something better that someone would have to be nuts to reject.

 

Things then seemed like they were eventually turning around. I was working out nearly every day, running longer distances, eating better, learning new songs and getting more skilled overall with music. Also, I was opening up at work more and was beginning to truly feel like my light-hearted self around my co-workers. When everything seemed to be going up, a friend of mine took his own life. I wasn't incredibly close to him...after college, we didn't see each other too often, but when we were both at school for 3 years I saw him every day. His death shocked me and made me feel so many feelings, as you can imagine, and for a good 2 weeks I didn't really see anyone and went away on a trip after mourning him to try to ease my mind.

 

I'm over the initial shock and grief, but his death is obviously still lingering. I want to get back to my life, though. His death makes me want to live my life more fully, while I'm still around in this messed up world. I'm tired of being alone week after week. I love girls. They're freakin beautiful and I've always wanted to date a bunch of them or maybe have a girlfriend. Not to sound arrogant, but I've been dealing with these setbacks and loneliness for so many years that I've become tough and strong-willed. What might cause another person to lay in bed for weeks causes me to respond by running 15 miles with my head held high. If that's not confidence and strength then I don't know what is.

 

I feel like I have all the tools and qualities to get what I want and live the way I want, but something is missing. That's why I'm on here - to figure out what.

Edited June 21, 2013 by colejack