planning to divorce my mentally ill wife.

[The Lone Gunman]

So, wow. now that im here i dont know how to begin.

 

quite a while back, i admitted on here i was having an affair. Suffice to say it wasnt pleasantly received, and i didnt read all the comments, but, it made me realize maybe it was time to grow up, grab the bull by the tail and look the facts square in the face, about my marriage, my affair at the time, my life in general.

 

After alot of negative reaction to my affair thread, i decided i should do what needed to be done, i broke off my afair. It was painful, it was emotional, but it was done. I havnt seen or spoken to OW in quite a while now.

 

After that i tried telling my wife that i wasnt happy, and that i just couldnt do this anymore, and that i wanted out. (not quite in such basic to the point terms mind you). I felt after knowing eachother for 8 yrs, she deserved that respect to be told upfrontedly about things. She flipped, ended up trying 2 suicide attempts, and spent 2 months in the phsyciatric ward. That was exactly what i was afraid of.

 

At no point did i tell her about my affair, honestly because of her fragile mental state, i saw no good that would come out of that. I thought about confessing, but again, to what end?. I felt things would already be dramatic enough, she didnt need that. I dont hate her, shes not a bad person...i just feel were not right for eachother, and my affair was my inner loneliness expressing itself. and instead of being a man, dealing with the situation, and allowing us both to move on, i prolongued it and played around and thus, here we are today. Ill take responsibility for that, at this point i just want whats best for both of us. Im 29 and shes 26, no kids, no assets, it would be a new start for both of us.

 

Shes been out of the hospital now for a few months, and is trying everything she can to show me she can hold herself together, to try to keep me. I understand her efforts, but she doesnt seem to understand what im saying or where im coming from when i say its just not working for me, that those feelings just arent there. Weve gone to therapy and ive been honest about my feelings, that i just want out. But it doesnt get through.

 

Now.....my dillemma

 

Ive had thoughts of telling her im leaving for sure when shes visiting her parents. the reason being that she'll be in a safe enviroment with no real opportunity to do anything to herself. I cant be there 24/7, and we dont have any friends that could step in, as both of us are quite introverted and shut in and antisocial. Instintively, i feel this is a cowardly way to do it, as im a big believer in being the man and facing up to somthing....but the last time i tried that, it ended really badly. And i DONT want her death to ruin her parents lives or on my conscionce. But this situation cant go on.

 

I dont expect anyone to like me for my affair prior. But im trying to do the right thing now, and id like to do this in a way that doesnt involve her offing herself.

 

I cant ask her parents for help directly either, because they and me have never been on good terms, so this would be a suprise to all of them, but honestly, i dont know how else to handle this situation.

 

Ive realized the errors i made before, and now im genuinely asking for help on how to do this.

 

Thoughts?

[HokeyReligions]

Get her parents involved . File for divorce and move out quickly. You might even consider contacting her doctor so he can be aware of possible self harm actvivties.

 

Oh and I wouldn't take a bull by the tail cause you might step in something;) take it by the horns and do this quickly.

 

We all make choices we regret but it sounds like you are learning and growing and that's often the hardest part of life and seems to give most of the most pain and problems.

[The Lone Gunman]

Get her parents involved . File for divorce and move out quickly. You might even consider contacting her doctor so he can be aware of possible self harm actvivties.

 

Oh and I wouldn't take a bull by the tail cause you might step in something;) take it by the horns and do this quickly.

 

We all make choices we regret but it sounds like you are learning and growing and that's often the hardest part of life and seems to give most of the most pain and problems.

 

 

Thanks for the replies guys, i do appreciate it.

 

Moving out isnt so easy, as we both live in my dads basement. Luckily no assets though. She did say a while back that if it did happen shed be going back to her parents house, theoretically in this case it would simply entail, me telling her, then a month or so later they come down to get anything she might want, awkward awkward awkward, then theyed go. But then things never go as simply as we hope right? The other part of it is her parents are 7 hours away, so they couldnt immediately be there to help her. And theyre both quite religiously conservative, so their first thing would be to blame me and try to intervene and try to convince me to stay married. But i think if i make it clear im standing my ground on it, and thats just how it is, they would begrudgingly accept it. Im just concerned that her mother might fly off the handle and tell her herself before i was able to do so, as her and her mother are quite alike.

 

I know shes planning to visit them in july or august. so it will most likely happen then.

[KathyM]

Make sure your wife has ongoing counseling on at least a weekly basis before telling her. I imagine she has already been put on anti-depressants since she is mentally ill with suicidal tendencies. The counselor will monitor her for changes in mood and will help her to develop coping mechanisms. You may want to let the counselor know what your plans are (to leave) so that he can start to prepare her. The counselor will notify her support system (parents) and he will take whatever steps necessary to make sure she is protected. Normally, I would advise standing by your wife and seeing her through this mental health crisis, and not leaving the marriage, but since you already have mentally and physically checked out of the marriage by having the affair, I don't see the point in trying to hang onto it. There is no marriage to hang onto. Make sure your wife has counseling and treatment for her mental illness, talk to the counselor about when you should disclose your plans for divorce, and then follow his suggestion. He will probably want you to disclose while in his presence so that he can help your wife to process her feelings about it.

[robfos]

I have a similar situation but in my case, my wife's mental issues caused her to cheat on me. I can't help but feel lucky in that gave us a reason to divorce. I think if you are honest with her parents and tell them that you just don't love her the way she needs to be loved and all that, then they may be ok with the split. They are her parents after all and probably wouldn't want their daughter spending the rest of her life with someone like that.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah, clearly someone with a very heavy abandonment trigger.

 

It's a VERY painful thing to have but it IS treatable. EMDR worked wonders for me. And of course my husband hit that trigger so many times, in so many ways that I think I became somewhat immune to the adrenaline and physical symptoms after awhile.

 

But then again, "in sickness and in health" doesn't really apply to mental illness, does it.

 

Nor working on your own boundaries or coping skills given the fact that you entered into an affair.

 

Even though you are leaving and age has the mental health issue, I disagree about not disclosing. You see, I had the same issue when I was younger (suicidal at the threat of abandonment & was hospitalized 3 times). I did overcome it though. Symptom-free 8 years now. Actually, as of today, the day I met my husband.

 

But the difference in between telling her and not telling her is that she probably (very very most likely) suffers some very deep toxic shame about being "crazy" and "driving everyone away." Hence the trigger.

 

If you just leave, you'll be another person she "just drove away" because she was "crazy." and you were the person who pledged to love her for life. That's a big hit.

 

By disclosing your affair and taking actual responsibility, you need to underline that you are leaving BECAUSE YOU were not prepared for the life-long obligation of respect, loyalty and decency. You got in over your head and didn't COPE WELL. YOU didn't.

 

Regardless of what your spouse is doing, you have a responsibilty as a spouse and as an adult to do your very best to face situations with dignity and respect toward your spouse. You didn't do that. You coped poorly. You can't handle the continuing obligation and need to do some very deep soul-searching over where you want to take your life but it is not staying in the marriage.

 

At this point, you turn her over to her parents and professionals. Essentially, you abandon her. Don't take calls. Don't write emails back and forth. Do a quick, clean divorce without bickering over assets. You are young enough to replenish pretty much everything. Just take what's reasonable and doesn't cause conflict. Get out, and quietly. She's had enough disrespect and distress.

 

Then go see a counselor and do an autopsy on this trainwreck.

 

Best you let her know while she is under mental health supervision instead of waiting until she is "well enough" to have another bomb dropped on her and relapse. The WORST thing you can do to someone like this is leave them in limbo, with them unsure whether you are staying or going. It's like time flows and the trauma worsens. It gets drawn out in a way that floods and is next to impossible to articulate to someone that doesn't have this issue. Essentially, your staying HALFWAY and waiting is very much torturing her. More than you can possibly imagine. Even if you "miss her" or want to "check up on her" DON'T. Just STAY GONE. At this point you aren't her "friend" or "support." You are her source of pain and biggest trigger for relapse. Remove yourself, responsibly.

 

Since you aren't willing to stay, GO and stay GONE. It's the only way she can

begun to process the overwhelming grief and heal. You aren't who she thought you were anyhow.

 

Make sure your wife has ongoing counseling on at least a weekly basis before telling her. I imagine she has already been put on anti-depressants since she is mentally ill with suicidal tendencies. The counselor will monitor her for changes in mood and will help her to develop coping mechanisms. You may want to let the counselor know what your plans are (to leave) so that he can start to prepare her. The counselor will notify her support system (parents) and he will take whatever steps necessary to make sure she is protected. Normally, I would advise standing by your wife and seeing her through this mental health crisis, and not leaving the marriage, but since you already have mentally and physically checked out of the marriage by having the affair, I don't see the point in trying to hang onto it. There is no marriage to hang onto. Make sure your wife has counseling and treatment for her mental illness, talk to the counselor about when you should disclose your plans for divorce, and then follow his suggestion. He will probably want you to disclose while in his presence so that he can help your wife to process her feelings about it.

[Simpleoldschool]

I want to adress something here.

 

first the affair you had was stimulated by your perception of your wife. that she is mentally ill. Bravo. also what i understand is your wife is demonstrating effort to take care of herself, in areas you arent.bravo!

 

the lack of sexuality between you and your wife due to a strain on how you view her, allowed for your baser desire, sexual intimacy to win out in an area where there was no accompying reach to pull your wife in an area where you took on the responsibility of being a husband.BRAVO!

 

now that i have highlighted some general issues. regardless of your wifes mental state it seems you also commit acts that are, very indecent...BRAVO!

 

so admist everything your done and planning to do, you now want to soften the blow by giving her away to her parents. you are very considerate towards the parents life and in the way you are TAKING CARE OF her their daughter. BRAVO.

 

first why did you even get married unless you would cowboy up to the task of understanding you shouldnt take things personal in the regard of someone who has a mental hanicap. shes trying to show you reasons to stay, even while fighting against her mental handicap and all you can say is i dont have the feelings to push forward anymore...BRAVO.

 

i actually would make some distinct clarification but the post has left me, disgruntled and i feel i would be wasting good words here if i continued.

[Simpleoldschool]

first guy, the reason divorce seems so seductive is because you entertain the weakness and comfortable end it provides but only for you.

 

to me this just sounds like a lack of strength, and ability to take on a new perspective of, if , just maybe you put a little more effort in youd see gains for you both. i laughed that you actually think you are doing good work by screwing over someone who has a mental disorder.

[dreamingoftigers]

I want to adress something here.

 

first the affair you had was stimulated by your perception of your wife. that she is mentally ill. Bravo. also what i understand is your wife is demonstrating effort to take care of herself, in areas you arent.bravo!

 

the lack of sexuality between you and your wife due to a strain on how you view her, allowed for your baser desire, sexual intimacy to win out in an area where there was no accompying reach to pull your wife in an area where you took on the responsibility of being a husband.BRAVO!

 

now that i have highlighted some general issues. regardless of your wifes mental state it seems you also commit acts that are, very indecent...BRAVO!

 

so admist everything your done and planning to do, you now want to soften

the blow by giving her away to her parents. you are very considerate towards the parents life and in the way you are TAKING CARE OF her their daughter. BRAVO.

 

first why did you even get married unless you would cowboy up to the task of understanding you shouldnt take things personal in the regard of someone who has a mental hanicap. shes trying to show you reasons to stay, even while fighting against her mental handicap and all you can say is i dont have the feelings to push forward anymore...BRAVO.

 

i actually would make some distinct clarification but the post has left me, disgruntled and i feel i would be wasting good words here if i continued.

 

ENCORE!

 

But honestly I don't think this poster will "get it" until he's much older and/or betrayed and/or struggling with illness.

 

Either way, he's going to have to learn to cope or perish just like the rest of us.

 

At least this poor woman doesn't have kids with him.

 

My family has had tremendous stressors on them for 25+ years. My father is mentally I'll and my siblings are both disabled. It gets tough. People hit their breaking points. OP has obviously hit his or is trying to escape and not hit it.

 

Either way, at this point HE has actually broken the marriage by checking out and cheating. It is VERY hard sometimes to know what course of action to take with a mentally ill spouse. But this takes the cake.

[HokeyReligions]

It seems everyone has some strong opinions. We all come from different experiences and I don't see the point in blame. I still hold to my opinion - do it as quickly as possible. Take what precautions you feel are right because only you know the intricate details of your lives.

 

Getting varied opinions here may help you find options or reinforce what you already know. If its over then all you can do is move forward. "Forward" is always scary because its the unknown and uncontrolled and its often accompanied with some pain. But its never permanent. "Today is the tomorrow you were afraid of yesterday"

[The Lone Gunman]

ENCORE!

 

But honestly I don't think this poster will "get it" until he's much older and/or betrayed and/or struggling with illness.

 

Either way, he's going to have to learn to cope or perish just like the rest of us.

 

At least this poor woman doesn't have kids with him.

 

My family has had tremendous stressors on them for 25+ years. My father is mentally I'll and my siblings are both disabled. It gets tough. People hit their breaking points. OP has obviously hit his or is trying to escape and not hit it.

 

Either way, at this point HE has actually broken the marriage by checking out and cheating. It is VERY hard sometimes to know what course of action to take with a mentally ill spouse. But this takes the cake.

 

Im not going to sit here and defend myself, or try to say im suddenly a good or bad person. I can understand your points of view, and i can appreciate those who would take her view on things.

 

That said, did you ever stop to consider for a second that maybe shes not entirely the victim here?.

 

Maybe, she tried to seduce my father in the past.

 

Maybe, i couldnt keep my credit cards or money in the house because she would always spend it without asking me or run it up, without consulting me.

 

Maybe there are other things underlying here, but because i see no point in turning this into a mudslinging match, im trying to just move things in some direction instead of becomming angry about it and simply bad talking here.

 

Yes. I cheated. Yes. I made mistakes. Yes, i KNEW i was making those mistakes and i chose to make them at the time.

 

So did she. And mental illness is not an excuse for bad behaviour, as per our therapist.

 

I understand that some people here have been burned and may still feel anger towards a former cheating spouse. I get that. 2 wrongs in any situation dont make a right. But please, dont sit there and judge when you dont know all the facts. Id never do that to anyone else.

 

In this case, i think ill end this thread now. Maybe it was a mistake to come here. Im looking to try to move both our lives along and rebuild. Not dwel on the negatives already and whats already happened that cant be changed.

 

Thank you for your comments, i appreciate your thoughts, and i wish you all good health, and best in the future.

[dreamingoftigers]

This has nothing to do with "my former cheating spouse."

 

Seriously. You mentioned a while series of different, deal-breaking behaviours that ARE a valid reason for ending a marriage. Trying to seduce your father is a trauma that no one should have to persevere through.

 

However, what you listed was: she's mentally ill, suicidal and still trying to make things work.

 

Not: she's mentally ill, to the point where it's impairing my ability to trust and function. THAT would seem to be far more logical than, "I like Yo cheat with my fabulous OW on my depressed wife."

 

It's not mud-slinging to be factual about what you present. It's not mud-slinging to say, "living like this gives me fear and anxiety because I can't trust her when she's alone and what she is going to do next."

 

That's an entirely different animal. No one can be expected to deal with that. Hence, in your 20s it's not a surprise that you hit your breaking point.

 

However, given the abandonment trigger she does have, the best way out is the quickest. I myself had to do it in a previous relationship. I've seen it done as well. You go through the grief, you pull through, and do it alone without popping in to "check up on her."

 

Regardless of her other issues and behaviours, I'm sure that you can respect that seeing you and hearing from you directly is going to be traumatizing and that since she has the trigger she will possibly do EVERYTHING to test that you are actually gone. She may attempt again (probably will). She'll call, stop by your work, what have you. (I've never gone that far BUT I do know people that have).

 

Remove yourself as quickly as possible for both YOU AND HER from her life. But try not to add heavy shame to her on the way out. You both have enough to deal with.

 

Good person or not, best of luck.

 

Im not going to sit here and defend myself, or try to say im suddenly a good or bad person. I can understand your points of view, and i can appreciate those who would take her view on things.

 

That said, did you ever stop to consider for a second that maybe shes not entirely the victim here?.

 

Maybe, she tried to seduce my father in the past.

 

Maybe, i couldnt keep my credit cards or money in the house because she would always spend it without asking me or run it up, without consulting me.

 

Maybe there are other things underlying here, but because i see no point in turning this into a mudslinging match, im trying to just move things in some direction instead of becomming angry about it and simply bad talking here.

 

Yes. I cheated. Yes. I made mistakes. Yes, i KNEW i was making those mistakes and i chose to make them at the time.

 

So did she. And mental illness is not an excuse for bad behaviour, as per our therapist.

 

I understand that some people here have been burned and may still feel anger towards a former cheating spouse. I get that. 2 wrongs in any situation dont make a right. But please, dont sit there and judge when you dont know all the facts. Id never do that to anyone else.

 

In this case, i think ill end this thread now. Maybe it was a mistake to come here. Im looking to try to move both our lives along and rebuild. Not dwel on the negatives already and whats already happened that cant be changed.

 

Thank you for your comments, i appreciate your thoughts, and i wish you all good health, and best in the future.

[Simpleoldschool]

the only thing worse than the comment "two wrongs dont make a right" is, justification while knowing such for further indecent acts.

 

regardless of whether or not your "therapist" says a mental condition isnt justification for commiting an indecent act, with a mental handicap any stress she expieriences is in a 2nd and third degree, to which pushs her in the direction where she can more likely, commit an indecent act.

 

first, taking care of someone with a mental handicap is extremely absorbing, however you married her beyond that reason and now your upset.

 

yes, you did cheat. yes you commited it with the intent to commit an indecent act.

 

to be honest all i hear is a struggle to justify to avoid guilt, and the perception that all this is your wifes fault.

 

two wrongs dont make a right. i think that fits here. so if two wrongs dont make a right, how does divorce for any wrong make a right?

 

sometimes the ability to think for ones self- without making decisions intertaining stress is best.

 

if your stressed why havent you approached her in a way you two can bond? maybe take her out. as far as trying to seduce your father, in your state of mind thats an easy distinction of what not to do, but in her mind granted the mental handicap the distinction isnt thought out the same as you.

 

first you havent even identified the type of mental illness. second, this mental illness if the way you identify your wife. not as a person who needs help and aptience, but as someone damaged and unrepairable so you drop the broken egg and leave more cracks thinking " it was broken to begin with".

 

let me ask you a question. you take a damaged car for a ride. you know the car is damaged, it was a good car. did for you what it could. the more you drive it the more it starts breaking down until one day, it really breaks down. now your angry at the car.

 

first are you contributing to your wifes condition in ways of more mental stress and mental tension in a way , because of her mental condition causes the mental condition to be pushed to its limits. in her mind, shes lossing control, trying to now gain control and now you want to drop a hammer.

 

to be honest you cant claim you are not trying to be a good or bad person, you are chooSEING one or the other. there is no middle ground. people define themselves. the world wouldnt make sense if things werent painted in black and white. so to such an extreme where do you beilieve you fit?

 

you ability to resolve things mentaly go through the normal process when making decisions, assuming i know your wifes mental condition, hers dont.

 

first shes trying to work through something while having a mental condition. how hard that must be for HER. expecially, all alone. shes working on double ends of the spectrum and you just an average everyday guy is tired? she must have lived this way all her life and you add justification beilieveing its moral.

 

dude, where did you open your bag of tricks and call them the best for the job?

 

i am going to say something. your level of immaturity and lack to discover how you can be of aid it the reason your backing out. you dont know what to do and how to turn her behaviour positive, something you can influence. so instead of learning you get stressed out and cash in.

 

this is like bad doctor doesnt care anymore about patient under his care. this is all but too ridiculous how about instead of which us a great future since its ostensive to your proportion of maintaining your own sense of good person here, wish your wife some of that "do dandy" recipe and actually get heres the key word.

 

INVOLVED

 

in her life. by the way, im a man.

[Simpleoldschool]

i find it funny that you are seeking out your own mental remedy to reduce stress. while your wifes mental condition gets worse because you dont take care of her properly.

 

just some advice.

 

therapists and psychologists, dont have one thing in common you do with your wife. the fact she loves you. that in mind, if you as a MAN started engaging her by way of positive behaviour youd get more from her.

 

the stupid saying, do you catch bees with honey or vinegar applys here, in total.