Broke up, but was it the right decision?

[Evanescence]

Hi Everyone

 

Me and my bf of 6 months just broke up. I am such a mess. I'm just not convinved that it i the right thing to do. I feel like he isn't either. Basically, I realized that I don't trust him. I'm one of those people who trust everyone, and way too much, but for some reason I couldn't trust him. He had told me a few white lies when we first started dating, but besides that, I really have no reason not to trust him. He promised me that he'll always be open and honest with me, but for some reason I just couldn't give him the trust he deserved. I also went on to tell him that I don't feel respected or appreciated. We were long distance, and when ever I went to see him, he didn't want to spend ALL the time i was there with me. He would spend most of the time, but he would say that he didn't feel we had to spend every moment together. That made me feel completely unappreciated, and that maybe he really didn't have that good of a time when we hung out together, even though he always thanked me for spending time with him and said that he had a great time. I think the fact that he didn't want to spend all his time with me when I was there made me feel like maybe when I'm not there, he would look for someone else, and maybe that's where the trust issue comes in.

 

On top of that, my ex (who I dated for 5.5 yrs and broke up with me 2 months before me and my recent bf started dating --- so ya, maybe didn't have enough time between the two) called me this summer many times and talked to me about getting back together (even though he currently has a gf). So i started to consider that maybe me and the ex might end up together. Which took my attention away from the current boyfriend. So I told my boyfriend that I didn't think I was completley over my last relationship, although NOW, the next day, when I think about it, I'm a lot more over it than I thought I was.

 

Anyway, after hearing all I had to say, he told me that since I don't trust him, and I have some sort of feelings for my ex still, that we should break up. And he left it at that. He didn't want to really talk to me about it on the phone because he said that he coudln't stand to hear me cry. He IM'd me late last night and asked if I was ok.. .I said I didn't know, and he said that he wasn't. He went on about how upset he was that I didn't trust him. HE swore that I he had never lied to me, and never would. Now I feel horrible that I didn't trust him. Why couldn't I open up to him and just trust him?

 

Anyway, I just can accept that it's over. I don't want it to be over. Although before we broke up, I couldn't think of any reasons to be with him, all I could think of was reasons to be without him. I just want it to be the way it was when we first started seeing each other. I guess it was the honeymoon phase, but it is such a drastic change between now and then. But if it happened once, maybe we can both smarten up and make it happen again?

I love him so much and being broken up with him is killing me. I told him that maybe we should take just some time off, and then maybe reconsider? He hasn't responded to that question yet....

 

Anyway, your insight would be very helpful. Thanks everyone.

[Velveteel]

If you broke up a perfectly good and loving relationship because

 

1) you didn't trust him, although you'd never caught him in any serious lie.

2) your ex was mentioning getting back together with you, although he had a gf.

3) your boyfriend didn't want to spend every single moment with you on your trips to see him

 

then I think you were not committed to the relationship, and were maybe not mature enough to handle your feelings when you were involved. I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just looking objectively at this, since I used to do and feel the same kinds of things.

 

If you want to get back together with your boyfriend, you have a lot of work to do in reassuring him. He has every right to feel angry and hurt that you didn't trust him. This shows a lot of insecurity on your part. So does your feeling threatened by his needing some time to himself when you're visiting him. Everyone is different in this way, but couples do better when they allow each other a little space. You don't want him to start feeling trapped.

 

It will take a lot of soul-searching for you to figure out why you've sabotaged this relationship. But if you decide that you just weren't committed to it, don't chase after this guy you've hurt. Let yourself feel a little pain in losing him--it does honor to what you had together, even if it wasn't your dream relationship--and then move on to someone you can love completely.

[Evanescence]

Thanks

 

I agree with most of what you said, except I will not accept that it is ok for him to not want to spend all the time that I am there visiting him with me. I mean, I give him his space. He has all week. And for example, this weekend we didn't see eachother because he said he wanted to go out with his friends. Ok, that's fine. I have no problem with it. So it's not like I don't give him space. This summer, we ended up going an entire month not seeing each other beacuse every weekend he had something different that he wanted to do with his friends, so we just didn't see each other for the entire month. But you know what, I expect that after driving 2-4 hrs (depends on what cities we are in at the time) to see him, after not seeing him for a week to a month, that he spends as much time with me as possible for the day or two that I'm there. Its not like I'm asking him to spend all day every day, know what I mean? It's not like I'm telling him he can't go out with his friends, I would never do that. But when I'm with him, and I make the effort to drive all that way or sit on a train for a few hours, that I don't get left alone in his bedroom, or wherever, while he goes off and does stuff with his friends for a few hours? I just don't think it's right.

 

As far as myself and having issues.. I don't know if its a maturity thing, its the fact that I'm still so damaged from the fact that me and my ex (fiance) broke up... I was planning on spending the rest of my life with that guy, and he just dropped me because he freaked out. And now he is coming back and playing with my emotions. I saw a cousellor for 3 months after my ex and I broke up. I just started seeing a counsellor again last week because I realize I still have issues when it comes to that. But anyway, I may on some level be a maturity thing, on another level, I think I just don't know how to handle other relationships. I'm so use to my relationship being a certain way with someone else, and I almost expect to get that from someone else, who is completely different. Ya, that's my problem, and I think maybe its a maturity thing for the fact that this is my second relationship EVER, and I don't have much experience in dating other people, but as far as an overall maturity thing, I don't think it is...

 

Thanks for your reply

[weweregods]

I have to say that I agree entirely with Velveteel. It sounds like most of your problems have nothing to do with him and more to do with you. You really have a lot of soul-searching to do. And, I hate to sound mean, but you HAVE to stop following your feelings - your feelings are like children, they should be loved and nurtured, but it would be a huge mistake to let them make major decisions (i.e.: relationship decisions) in your life!!! If you just had a feeling, that is not enough to end a decent relationship, no matter how strongly you felt it - you needed to tell your feelings that your thoughts are in charge and that rationally, it makes no sense to simply abandon a potentially healthy, fufilling relationship.