about recent contact with ex AP

[chippy]

I am the OW who was involved in a very strong emotional/physical affair with a MM for 2.5 yrs. We ended the relationship about 6 weeks ago because he felt that he had not done "everything" to save the marriage and he could not do that within the context of the affair. The marriage is an 8 year marriage, sexless for 5 (yes I believe this is true), no kids but very attached to pets. I couldn't wait any longer for him to make a decision. We are both middle aged professionals who otherwise have conducted our lives responsibly.

 

Since then we have had some loose contact every week or so via txt and email - nothing significant. We agreed last week to get together to attend a sporting event to catch up on things and see how we each were doing. The emotional and physical attraction was still very strong. We held hands when seated and there was a lot touching during the evening. The evening ended with a poignant (but not sexy) kiss.

 

The next day I txtd him to thank him for the evening and I told him I felt weird about the hand holding/touching. He said that he did too. I then told him that it seemed we still had a very strong emotional and physical attraction. He agreed. We agreed that we should get together and talk about it. I then told him I had been dating, but it had been a bit difficult due to lingering feelings for him. This is where it got confusing for me....his next question was "have I had sex with anyone yet?" I told him no...there had been some opportunity, kissing, etc but it didn't feel right. His reply was "if you do have sex, I would hope that you would be able to tell me. I know how hard it was/is to keep my hands off of you. I know other guys would feel the same way......" My response was "what about you?" He said "I will do the same." I clarified by asking if he had had sex with his wife yet and he replied "no"

 

We left it at that and agreed to get together in a couple weeks to talk about all this. I care very much for him and would like a legitimate relationship but I will not continue in an affair. It was clear that there were some core intimacy issues for him at home which are probably not resolvable within his marriage. But, there is an attachment to the pets, house, lifestyle, etc.

 

My confusion is what do you think the motivation might be to for him to ask about my sex life and the hope that I would tell him if I were to have sex? Why no sex with the wife yet?

 

Thoughts appreciated! I'm a bit embarrassed to be focusing on this, but I can't get it out of my head!

[Praying4Peace]

The reason he asked if you had sex = he is jealous and wants to prevent you from doing so and possibly getting attached to another guy. Understandable.

 

The reason he said no sex with wife = If this is NOT true, then he said it because if you got upset at him having sex with his wife, then that might make you lash out and have sex with the other guy. He views the two relationships as different- things winding down with his W, but things starting up for you and the other guy.

 

But, I don't see how he can 'make it work' with his W (or explore that possibility) without sex involved. That's not a good faith try.

 

If I were you I'd say that you two should have a 'dont ask, don't tell' policy but that its your intent not to have sex with anyone else bc you only want him. As for him, tell him that you'd like a deadline on his 'working things out'. I know its hurtful that he would have sex with her....but it comes with the territory. Not all sex is the same, especially for guys (or so I've heard).

 

This is where things go wrong usually...be careful and try and stay adult about the whole thing. It would be better to go NC while he works on his marriage, then you don't have to deal with the disturbing and intrusive thoughts.

[MissBee]

A male friend of mine explained to me once, which made LOTS of sense, that a man will think a woman is "his", even if they are no longer together and even if he doesn't love her, he will be upset if she is with another man.

 

This is also human nature.

 

You have just broken up. I think he is concerned about your sex life and is having jealousy/possessiveness issues. I think it a bit silly to promise to tell each other when you're having sex. Why??? That is very bizarre and I think it will backfire.

 

I also think your meetups to "talk" are detrimental to him working on his marriage and you moving on. You cannot be friends right now. So all meet ups, with hand holding, kisses and to talk about your sex lives is dangerous territory and still an A.

[save150]

 

My confusion is what do you think the motivation might be to for him to ask about my sex life and the hope that I would tell him if I were to have sex? Why no sex with the wife yet?

 

Thoughts appreciated! I'm a bit embarrassed to be focusing on this, but I can't get it out of my head!

 

My take? Somebody is worried about STDs. Do not believe for a minute, that he had a sexless marriage for so long. It's the standard "fooling around" story.

[spice4life]

If he is meeting up with you to "talk" about the hand holding then he is not really trying to work on his marriage. It sounds more like he is just trying reel you back in and he will strike when you are having a weak moment. I wouldn't fall for that if I were you. If he was truly giving his marriage a shot then he would be total NC with you and working on his marriage. Period end.

[save150]

Rubbish there are lots of sexless marriages, just read on here, assuming this is your first post??

 

Yes, I have been reading. 99.9 percent of the time, "not having sex with your W or H reason" is rubbish.

 

Yes, this is my first post.

 

Thank you for asking.

[findingnemo]

I am the OW who was involved in a very strong emotional/physical affair with a MM for 2.5 yrs. We ended the relationship about 6 weeks ago because he felt that he had not done "everything" to save the marriage and he could not do that within the context of the affair. The marriage is an 8 year marriage, sexless for 5 (yes I believe this is true), no kids but very attached to pets. I couldn't wait any longer for him to make a decision. We are both middle aged professionals who otherwise have conducted our lives responsibly.

 

Since then we have had some loose contact every week or so via txt and email - nothing significant. We agreed last week to get together to attend a sporting event to catch up on things and see how we each were doing. The emotional and physical attraction was still very strong. We held hands when seated and there was a lot touching during the evening. The evening ended with a poignant (but not sexy) kiss.

 

The next day I txtd him to thank him for the evening and I told him I felt weird about the hand holding/touching. He said that he did too. I then told him that it seemed we still had a very strong emotional and physical attraction. He agreed. We agreed that we should get together and talk about it. I then told him I had been dating, but it had been a bit difficult due to lingering feelings for him. This is where it got confusing for me....his next question was "have I had sex with anyone yet?" I told him no...there had been some opportunity, kissing, etc but it didn't feel right. His reply was "if you do have sex, I would hope that you would be able to tell me. I know how hard it was/is to keep my hands off of you. I know other guys would feel the same way......" My response was "what about you?" He said "I will do the same." I clarified by asking if he had had sex with his wife yet and he replied "no"

 

We left it at that and agreed to get together in a couple weeks to talk about all this. I care very much for him and would like a legitimate relationship but I will not continue in an affair. It was clear that there were some core intimacy issues for him at home which are probably not resolvable within his marriage. But, there is an attachment to the pets, house, lifestyle, etc.

 

My confusion is what do you think the motivation might be to for him to ask about my sex life and the hope that I would tell him if I were to have sex? Why no sex with the wife yet?

 

Thoughts appreciated! I'm a bit embarrassed to be focusing on this, but I can't get it out of my head!

 

No sex with W yet? How do you know that? He said so? Why is it even discussed since the M is sexless?

 

As for his motivation in asking if you'd had sex, he wants to know how available you are. If no sex, then he figures there's still a chance for him. If there's been sex, he is afraid you are slipping away. Standard answer for fOWs should be *shouting her head off* "YES! YES! YES!":bunny:

[thefooloftheyear]

A male friend of mine explained to me once, which made LOTS of sense, that a man will think a woman is "his", even if they are no longer together and even if he doesn't love her, he will be upset if she is with another man.

 

This is also human nature.

 

You have just broken up. I think he is concerned about your sex life and is having jealousy/possessiveness issues. I think it a bit silly to promise to tell each other when you're having sex. Why??? That is very bizarre and I think it will backfire.

 

I also think your meetups to "talk" are detrimental to him working on his marriage and you moving on. You cannot be friends right now. So all meet ups, with hand holding, kisses and to talk about your sex lives is dangerous territory and still an A.

 

 

Agree,,

 

As a man I can say that men dont usually do well with others "invading" the sexual space of a female in "their" pack..Its a dominance thing that is deep rooted and primal..

 

.02

 

TFY

[thefooloftheyear]

Yes, there are sexless marriages.

 

 

The issue is how to figure out if the cheater is lying or not about the sex at home. Most OWs want to believe there is no sex at home to justify their role in the affair.

 

 

When the sexless story is true the cheating men tend to leave or at least are much more dedicated to the OW.

 

 

Yes...

 

Sexless marriages do exist..Its a shame, actually..There are many marriages that are otherwise good, "healthy" marriages without ANY sex or intimacy...And quite frankly, if its not that important to either party, then it(marriage) can last virtually forever in this state...

 

You see some couples that would sooner share a delicious meal in a nice restaurant then a wild session of sex. It could be body issues, lack of interest, ED, or whatever...But it happens and its quite common-from what I have been hearing..

 

TFY

[chippy]

thanks everyone for your advice and insight. i agree that while my current contact with MM is very limited we are probably both still in the affair mentally. I'm not sure how I will proceed with this - I would like to be a relationship with him but not within the context of an affair.