Second Chances? Heck, I'm on my sixteenth.

[youngnlove89]

I agree Na. I wonder why he is allowed me back in, he told me once he is getting tired of me always breaking up. I have trust issues. And not about him cheating, but about him leaving me or not loving me the way I want him too.

 

I have issues to work on as well.

 

Maybe I won't get my happen ending, maybe I will. Time will tell.

[Simon Phoenix]

I agree Na. I wonder why he is allowed me back in, he told me once he is getting tired of me always breaking up. I have trust issues. And not about him cheating, but about him leaving me or not loving me the way I want him too.

 

I have issues to work on as well.

 

Maybe I won't get my happen ending, maybe I will. Time will tell.

 

He likes the sex. I know that sounds harsh and it's probably what you don't want to hear, but that probably has the most to do with it.

[youngnlove89]

He likes the sex. I know that sounds harsh and it's probably what you don't want to hear, but that probably has the most to do with it.

 

Yes it is hard to hear. I know you are right though. I like the sex too. but I know I want more.

 

Today is his day off. I get off at 2pm from work. He knows this. I ask what he is doing today. He says gym, pool and happy hour with his buddy..

 

And here I am shaking my head again...sigh.

 

I have asked for it huh?

 

Well I made plans with my pops to have a bbq and I'm going to the gym.

 

This will be hard. But it's what I wanted.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yes it is hard to hear. I know you are right though. I like the sex too. but I know I want more.

 

Today is his day off. I get off at 2pm from work. He knows this. I ask what he is doing today. He says gym, pool and happy hour with his buddy..

 

And here I am shaking my head again...sigh.

 

I have asked for it huh?

 

Well I made plans with my pops to have a bbq and I'm going to the gym.

 

This will be hard. But it's what I wanted.

 

Might as well buckle up, because this is your life from here on out if you continue down this path.

[crederer]

Part of me wants to say congrats, but mostly I just want to say, "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

 

Your relationship was messed up by the sounds. I feel sorry for you and think that this is not so much about love but wanting affection from someone.

 

I hope I'm wrong about that. I hope things work out for the best.

[youngnlove89]

Part of me wants to say congrats, but mostly I just want to say, "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

 

Your relationship was messed up by the sounds. I feel sorry for you and think that this is not so much about love but wanting affection from someone.

 

I hope I'm wrong about that. I hope things work out for the best.

 

Thanks. It's a hopeless situation. I'm an addict. I can't let go.

 

And yet, I'm unhappy. Last night I was so lonely laying in my bed by myself after spending the last 2 nights with him. But I realize that was my fate I chose. I chose to lay in bed alone. I chose him.

 

Am I happy?

[youngnlove89]

How come I can't leave him? How come I keep coming back to him? Why?

 

Why am I not strong enough to move on?

 

Why does he keep taking me back? If it were just for sex, then why can't he find it somewhere else? Why me?

 

I'm getting frustrated. I hate this. I just want to be happy. but leaving him makes me miserable. I can't do it.

 

So I figured this time, I'll stay and slowly ween myself off of him. He asks me to come over, I'll say I have plans. I'll slowly disconnect from him.

 

I can't just not have him there anymore.

 

I kind of wish he would meet someone else. Then I could move on because I have no choice but to.

[McDonald]

How come I can't leave him? How come I keep coming back to him? Why?

 

Why am I not strong enough to move on?

 

Why does he keep taking me back? If it were just for sex, then why can't he find it somewhere else? Why me?

 

I'm getting frustrated. I hate this. I just want to be happy. but leaving him makes me miserable. I can't do it.

 

So I figured this time, I'll stay and slowly ween myself off of him. He asks me to come over, I'll say I have plans. I'll slowly disconnect from him.

 

I can't just not have him there anymore.

 

I kind of wish he would meet someone else. Then I could move on because I have no choice but to.

 

 

Okay... there is just way to many games that are going to be played.

 

Now Im not taking anyones side anymore for this one.

 

that is DEFINIETLY not fair for him, not matter what he has done.

 

Stop using him, and he will stop using you.

 

You cant start another relationship with this man, and then tell yourself you will break away from it and slowly ween yourself off it. What is that?

 

I am extremely confused. You want him? you accept is offer to come back yet, you dont actually want to be with him and hope that you can disconnect from him?

 

this sounds like a question on my psychology final.... and the reason why I didnt pass.

[youngnlove89]

Okay... there is just way to many games that are going to be played.

 

Now Im not taking anyones side anymore for this one.

 

that is DEFINIETLY not fair for him, not matter what he has done.

 

Stop using him, and he will stop using you.

 

You cant start another relationship with this man, and then tell yourself you will break away from it and slowly ween yourself off it. What is that?

 

I am extremely confused. You want him? you accept is offer to come back yet, you dont actually want to be with him and hope that you can disconnect from him?

 

this sounds like a question on my psychology final.... and the reason why I didnt pass.

 

Go read all my other threads, then you can tell me that it isn't okay to do what I am doing.

 

I love him. I want to be with him. He has commitment issues. He can't commit to me, even though I feel like he is by not being with other women.

 

He is confusing, he is messed with my head and now I'm not sure where the hell I am in my mind. I don't know what to do.

[na49]

It sounds like you're afraid to be alone. I definitely didn't go through all of these motions when I took my ex back. She obviously didn't f*ck with me as much as this guy has f*cked with you, but I think a second chance should make you at least a bit happier. No?

 

Do you want to be with him, or do you want to be happy? If being with him makes you happy, then why do you still sound so miserable in all of your posts?

[pteromom]

Why does he keep taking me back? If it were just for sex, then why can't he find it somewhere else? Why me?

 

 

Let's see... because...

 

- the sex is good. You said it yourself. If he got it elsewhere, it would probably be lacking compared to what he is used to with you.

 

- it's easy. He knows you are desperately wanting him, so all he has to do is snap his fingers and you are there willing to do whatever he wants to do. If he tried to get it elsewhere, he'd have to employ seduction and risk rejection.

 

- he knows no matter what he does, he can get you back. No matter what a jerk or butt he is, all he has to do is say "I miss you", and you'll jump back into his arms.

 

I am disappointed that you went back to him, but I hope there won't be a 17th time and you are able to disconnect from him before he majorly hurts you.

[Simon Phoenix]

How come I can't leave him? How come I keep coming back to him? Why?

 

Because you think it's an admission of defeat to move on.

 

Why am I not strong enough to move on?

 

Because you are afraid. Not of being alone, but of actually having success. This guy, while frustrating, is comfortable for you. You might actually have to get out in the real world and meet other people if you stick to this.

 

Why does he keep taking me back? If it were just for sex, then why can't he find it somewhere else? Why me?

 

Because why should he have to work for sex when he can get it from you at his convenience? I mean, having an attractive girl that can come over and f--k me at the snap of my fingers is a lot easier than going to a bar and having to start from scratch. Cheaper on the old wallet too.

 

I'm getting frustrated. I hate this. I just want to be happy. but leaving him makes me miserable. I can't do it.

 

Sure you can. You just choose not to. You just fold at the first sign of adversity.

 

So I figured this time, I'll stay and slowly ween myself off of him. He asks me to come over, I'll say I have plans. I'll slowly disconnect from him.

 

I don't see this working, but whatever you want to do I guess. I just see this blowing up in your face, You are already anxious about him going to happy hour with his friends. You are fooling yourself.

 

I can't just not have him there anymore.

 

I kind of wish he would meet someone else. Then I could move on because I have no choice but to.

 

There's no reason for him to meet someone else if you are there and willing. It's just not going to happen. You are convenient and fun when he wants it. Why would he go out and meet someone when he can have his cake and eat it too with you?

[Simon Phoenix]

Go read all my other threads, then you can tell me that it isn't okay to do what I am doing.

 

I love him. I want to be with him. He has commitment issues. He can't commit to me, even though I feel like he is by not being with other women.

 

He is confusing, he is messed with my head and now I'm not sure where the hell I am in my mind. I don't know what to do.

 

He isn't confusing at all. He's pretty straightforward. He likes you as a person, he likes having sex with you, but he doesn't want a committed relationship with you. You are the only one confusing the issue because you keep projecting what you feel he should want on to him and hoping he'll "see the light". He is who he is and has been consistent in his actions from the jump. You just continue to keep ignoring it.

[Zahara]

Why does he keep taking me back? If it were just for sex, then why can't he find it somewhere else? Why me? .

 

Because it is effortless. Why work for sex when sex is easily available? You know these answers but you still ask. I read your advice to others but yet you can't retain it for yourself. It's all very clear.

[youngnlove89]

Ugh, you are all right.

 

I'm not happy. I am for the second he takes me back, when I do spend time with him, I am happy. But the moment I walk out of his door, I miss him and I realize he will never give me what I want. Remember how he said something is missing in me? I just realized something is missing in him.

 

I still feel anxious about him not even asking to hang out today. He is just using me for sex right? Or when he has no other plans and is lonely.

 

I am scared. I'm like a little animal in the corner shaking. I don't know what to do.

 

I just want to take a xanax and pass out.

[Zahara]

Ugh, you are all right.

 

I'm not happy. I am for the second he takes me back, when I do spend time with him, I am happy. But the moment I walk out of his door, I miss him and I realize he will never give me what I want. Remember how he said something is missing in me? I just realized something is missing in him.

 

I still feel anxious about him not even asking to hang out today. He is just using me for sex right? Or when he has no other plans and is lonely.

 

I am scared. I'm like a little animal in the corner shaking. I don't know what to do.

 

I just want to take a xanax and pass out.

 

I don't think he is using you for sex. I think being with you is comfortable. He gets what he needs without the commitment. It's not just about sex, but companionship, attention, etc.

 

You just said your life won't revolve around him and here you are. You can't trust yourself so best thing to do is back to NC again because you aren't cut out for this.

[youngnlove89]

I don't think he is using you for sex. I think being with you is comfortable. He gets what he needs without the commitment. It's not just about sex, but companionship, attention, etc.

 

You just said your life won't revolve around him and here you are. You can't trust yourself so best thing to do is back to NC again because you aren't cut out for this.

 

How do I start NC? Just do it? Or do I tell him I'm going to do it?

 

Do I block him? Do I fall off the face of earth?

[pteromom]

I don't think he is using you for sex. I think being with you is comfortable. He gets what he needs without the commitment. It's not just about sex, but companionship, attention, etc.

 

This is true... the consistent factor though is that it is all about HIS needs and what HE wants from you. He shows no interest in giving you what YOU need from him.

 

When what you need aligns with what he needs (good sex, cuddling, conversation, whatever), then it's great for you.

 

But when what you need isn't what HE needs, then you are out of luck.

 

So basically, this gives him all the power in the relationship, and puts you into a position of desperate longing. NOT a good place to be.

 

Now, it is possible that you are a needy clingy person, and need more from him than what an average person would need. I don't know... only you can figure that out. But the fact remains that what he offers you does not meet your needs, and the relationship he offers you is not enough for you.

 

You can continue hanging in there, in hope that he will have some sort of epiphany where he realizes he loves you and wants to be the man you want him to be, but the odds of that happening are near zero.

[LostGirl11]

This makes me sad Probably because you're a sounding a lot like me.

 

You're not happy with him, but you're even less happy when you're not

 

He won't change, so the longer you stay with him the more miserable you'll become, and it will go on and on....

 

Or you can be without him and be unhappy....but eventually you'll be ok and happy, because you'll just have to be.

 

This sounds like me. And I don't like it

[Zahara]

How do I start NC? Just do it? Or do I tell him I'm going to do it?

 

Do I block him? Do I fall off the face of earth?

 

You tell him what you have to do and you start your NC. You block him and fall off the face of the earth.

 

Again, you know all this.

[youngnlove89]

AH! I feel like my head is going to explode. I am having palpitations again. I only get it when I'm very anxious.

 

I have a doctors appt on Thursday. I am going to see if I can get meds, because I can't handle this.

 

I hate how I let this happen to me again.

 

Why couldn't he just ignore me? Why did I mess up and contact him?

 

You're not happy with him, but you're even less happy when you're not

 

Dead on right.

 

If I could just be happy with what he offers me then this wouldn't be a problem.

 

Now, it is possible that you are a needy clingy person, and need more from him than what an average person would need.

 

I very well could be. Is it normal to want to always hang out with him on his days off? His hours are weird, works 2pm till 10 pm at night. His days off are Tues and Wed. So it's hard to spend quality time with him.

[LostGirl11]

AH! I feel like my head is going to explode. I am having palpitations again. I only get it when I'm very anxious.

 

I have a doctors appt on Thursday. I am going to see if I can get meds, because I can't handle this.

 

I hate how I let this happen to me again.

 

Why couldn't he just ignore me? Why did I mess up and contact him?

 

 

 

Dead on right.

 

If I could just be happy with what he offers me then this wouldn't be a problem.

 

 

 

I very well could be. Is it normal to want to always hang out with him on his days off? His hours are weird, works 2pm till 10 pm at night. His days off are Tues and Wed. So it's hard to spend quality time with him.

 

But you're not happy with it. You're just going to settle for it because it's better than nothing, right? Wrong On so many levels.

[Zahara]

You now find this little "clingy" loophole to re-adjust your expectations to suit your need to hold on to what is wrong for you.

 

Your reasons for needing him to spend two days out of the week with you is irrelevant. If you are needy and clingy, you won't last a month without going off on him at some point or driving yourself crazy because you won't be able to handle accepting what little he gives you.

Edited May 28, 2013 by Zahara

[Simon Phoenix]

Couple additions here.

 

1) You tend to look two seconds down the road instead of 15. For whatever reason, you concentrate on short-term fixes and refuse to formulate long-term plans of betterment. You look for immediate gratification and get it, but you end up feeling even more empty inside once it subsides (and it always subsides quicker than the fix before it did). You have an idea of what you want, but you aren't willing to put in the work to get there. You like to cut corners, go for the easiest solution. Guess what? Usually the easiest solution isn't the best one. This doesn't just apply to love, but life in general. Do you cut corners at work too?

 

2) For most men, the way they feel about a woman is set in stone from the moment they first sleep with them. If a man really adores you and loves you and wants you to be a long-term girlfriend before he sleeps with you, he'll continue to up the ante in the relationship after you have sex. If he saw you as a casual friends-with-benefits, then that's all you'll be from there on out. If, like in your case, he sees you as a cool girl to hang out with but doesn't think it'll go to the next level, that's where it will remain. Having sex with a man will not make him fall in love with you if he wasn't in love with you before -- it will just make him want to have sex with you.

 

There's really no way to circumvent this thought process. That's why I read all the stuff you post and all the mental gymnastics you go through and shake my head. You treat this as if it's astrophysics or rocket science, but it's really elementary math. His actions are pretty clear. He might love you as a person, but he's clearly not in love with you. It's as clear as day.

[pteromom]

 

I very well could be. Is it normal to want to always hang out with him on his days off? His hours are weird, works 2pm till 10 pm at night. His days off are Tues and Wed. So it's hard to spend quality time with him.

 

I don't think that wanting two days a week sounds clingy or needy. But it is obvious that what HE wants isn't the same thing YOU want, so you need to quit wasting your time and love on someone who doesn't really want either.