Second Chances? Heck, I'm on my sixteenth.

[lula69]

Some people say there are no coincidences.

 

A healthy spiritual attitude is uplifiting.

 

May be it was a sign.

 

For full disclosure, I am indeed a middle-aged man (which I guess follows from what I revealed about myself). I don't think I am your inner man though

 

What is my stake in your thread? Am I talking you into something so that I cover my own delusions? It is a possible explanation. However, I don't think so, because I came here seriously tempted to reach out to my GF, I'm a drama king myself, but instead of now rushing to rekindle my relationship, like it seemed I recommended to you, this engagement here helped me calm down and not do it for me.

 

Because I realized I have done already what I suggested to you. I have been aware of my feeling of myself in her presence. And when I was in her presence I was not whole. When we were apart I was longing for her and I have poems and pictures and dreams and its so hard to say good bye to them. And I don't. But my relationship is different, so me staying away does not say you will eventually stay away. However, if you find you have to stay away, you will know it better if you know how to see better. And when you know it better, you can do it too. So your case here helped me realize that I had finally found a way of finding peace through the relationship, even if it was a crazy one.

 

The reason our relationships are crazy is because we are crazy (normal craziness)! And the way to solve it is not to run, because we can't run from our craziness. It will always follow us. The way to solve it is also not to duck and eventually cheat (and women cheat just as much as men). The way is to focus on our core needs. We must learn to meet our own needs in the relationship. Not expect indulgence or expect them to meet our needs. But we meet our needs in there.

 

If we can meet our needs in the relationship, great! If not, after having truly given it our best shot to meet our own needs in the relationship and it didn't work, then we know it well enough. Then we don't need to hack our arm off, nor rip our heart out, nor rush into rebounds, nor run in the mouse wheel. We just continue meeting our needs, only perhaps not in that relationship at that time.

 

Perhaps it was some higher power who had tweaked my Google search results and caused us to meet in this thread; or, in any way, it's a good reminder that life is just abundant with surprises.

Edited June 1, 2013 by lula69

[yyyme]

I'm not trying to play games. I'm not using him. I can't use him, I love him. I'm the one who wants to be with him, remember? I'm confused, I go back and forth in my mind because he makes me confused by the things he says or does sometimes. And then all of you convince me that maybe I do deserve better and maybe I should leave him, maybe it is a dead end street. To be honest, all the times I broke up with him again and again is because I was convinced on here that I should. I love the advice I get on here, I do. But then my mind takes over and I remember I want to be with him, I love him. And it's hard without him.

 

But now I realized I'm just going to stop acting on my emotions and just listen to my feelings and not react on whim.

I'm going to try something different. That is all. If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. I'm not at all trying to use him in the sense that I don't love him and I want to use his company until I meet someone else. (that was just advice I was given)

 

I'm just going with the flow right now and doing ME. I'm putting myself as priority first and then him. What is so wrong with that?! That's what everyone tells me to do.

 

I went to the doctors yesterday and I talked to him about my issues, he put me on an anti depressant and I found some free therapy to go to since I am a rape victim. I'm going to check it out. I'm trying to make myself feel better and get through this. I don't like taking anti depressants, but if it can make me feel better about myself then heck, I'll try it.

 

YNL, I may just be emotionally stunted, but I want to give you props for trying to just feel your feelings. I'm going to be 32 in less than a month, so I'm almost what 10 years older than you? I have only over this past year started to catch onto this whole "feeling" your feelings thing. It's really hard.

 

It's taken me two years in therapy to get to this point. When I was your age it didn't even occur to me -- so props to you YNL. Props to you!

 

Relationship wise I'm also in a very similar situation as you, but NC for two months after breaking up for the 4th time in 3 years. I can relate so much to what you're going through that I had to create an account just to tell you that you're not alone and to keep your chin up.

 

lula69 keep helping YNL, you're helping me too

[youngnlove89]

YNL, I may just be emotionally stunted, but I want to give you props for trying to just feel your feelings. I'm going to be 32 in less than a month, so I'm almost what 10 years older than you? I have only over this past year started to catch onto this whole "feeling" your feelings thing. It's really hard.

 

It's taken me two years in therapy to get to this point. When I was your age it didn't even occur to me -- so props to you YNL. Props to you!

 

Relationship wise I'm also in a very similar situation as you, but NC for two months after breaking up for the 4th time in 3 years. I can relate so much to what you're going through that I had to create an account just to tell you that you're not alone and to keep your chin up.

 

lula69 keep helping YNL, you're helping me too

 

That is awesome!! Thank you.

 

Is this the longest you have gone NC with your ex?

[Foreverandalwaysxo]

Just be grateful that you still have him in your life if you're happy, then stay with him. No garantee things will last, but I hope they do for your sake

[yyyme]

Yeah this right now is the longest. The other times it was three weeks to month and a half.

[avelonia2013]

You know, I questioned that. (this is weird, but: I prayed to God and told him to give me a sign) Was this it? ;p

 

Help comes in mysterious ways doesn't it?

 

Great thread younglove89. I've been following it and learned a lot too.

[youngnlove89]

Help comes in mysterious ways doesn't it?

 

Great thread younglove89. I've been following it and learned a lot too.

 

I know it was a great thread, lots of helpful advice! Better than therapy!

[FierceFoxie]

I cried as I read through this thread because I almost felt as if all the posters were telling me the truth about my own situation. I have been reconnecting with my ex for 10 months and we have had 2 serious NC periods during that time. He broke contact this last time and things were really progressing for us at first but now I feel like he has taken some steps back so now I am back to daily questioning if this is all worth it, if he really loves me and why can't I just let him go for good. Anyhow, you aren't alone. I have not officially gotten back together with my ex but the emotional roller coaster I am on is what you have described in your other posts, and that I can identify with 100%. I also read a post by you where you talked about not pushing for a label/commitment and mirrored his behavior. I need to do that! I wish you much luck with your relationship.

[youngnlove89]

It's all too common these days.

 

I would really suggest taking Lula69's advice on here. It's has helped me immensely with my relationship.

 

My guy has invited me on a trip this year and we have plans for my birthday. Things are SLOWLY, but surely, getting better. It isn't an over night thing. It will take awhile. We still have our rough moments, but nonetheless he IS trying. It's a lot more than he was before.

 

And the only thing I changed is my attitude. Get it in your head that you can't change THEM, but you can change YOU. Go out and have your own life, do you, become independent.

 

Don't nag, don't confront, and don't push him over the edge.

 

Do you have a thread on here? I'd love to hear your story.

 

 

I cried as I read through this thread because I almost felt as if all the posters were telling me the truth about my own situation. I have been reconnecting with my ex for 10 months and we have had 2 serious NC periods during that time. He broke contact this last time and things were really progressing for us at first but now I feel like he has taken some steps back so now I am back to daily questioning if this is all worth it, if he really loves me and why can't I just let him go for good. Anyhow, you aren't alone. I have not officially gotten back together with my ex but the emotional roller coaster I am on is what you have described in your other posts, and that I can identify with 100%. I also read a post by you where you talked about not pushing for a label/commitment and mirrored his behavior. I need to do that! I wish you much luck with your relationship.

[FierceFoxie]

It's all too common these days.

 

I would really suggest taking Lula69's advice on here. It's has helped me immensely with my relationship.

 

My guy has invited me on a trip this year and we have plans for my birthday. Things are SLOWLY, but surely, getting better. It isn't an over night thing. It will take awhile. We still have our rough moments, but nonetheless he IS trying. It's a lot more than he was before.

 

And the only thing I changed is my attitude. Get it in your head that you can't change THEM, but you can change YOU. Go out and have your own life, do you, become independent.

 

Don't nag, don't confront, and don't push him over the edge.

 

Do you have a thread on here? I'd love to hear your story.

 

Sadly, I am afraid to share my situation just yet because I am afraid of the opinions of others. I realize you are asking for opinions when you lay it all out there online, so that is why I hesitate.

[youngnlove89]

Sadly, I am afraid to share my situation just yet because I am afraid of the opinions of others. I realize you are asking for opinions when you lay it all out there online, so that is why I hesitate.

 

Well you will hear things that you don't want to hear. I know I did. It was painful to hear. But it's good to hear from different sides. Doesn't mean you have to listen. It's your life and you can do what you want with it. But people are here to look out for your best interest and to give you the best advice suitable.

 

But at the end of the day, humans will do what humans want to do.

[avelonia2013]

It's all too common these days.

 

I would really suggest taking Lula69's advice on here. It's has helped me immensely with my relationship.

 

My guy has invited me on a trip this year and we have plans for my birthday. Things are SLOWLY, but surely, getting better. It isn't an over night thing. It will take awhile. We still have our rough moments, but nonetheless he IS trying. It's a lot more than he was before.

 

And the only thing I changed is my attitude. Get it in your head that you can't change THEM, but you can change YOU. Go out and have your own life, do you, become independent.

 

Don't nag, don't confront, and don't push him over the edge.

 

Do you have a thread on here? I'd love to hear your story.

 

Good for you younglove. It's awesome that you are doing you! Keep up the great work - it's the only way to go.

[FierceFoxie]

Well you will hear things that you don't want to hear. I know I did. It was painful to hear. But it's good to hear from different sides. Doesn't mean you have to listen. It's your life and you can do what you want with it. But people are here to look out for your best interest and to give you the best advice suitable.

 

But at the end of the day, humans will do what humans want to do.

 

Ok, I bit the bullet! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/401692-don-t-understand-what-happening-here#post4973120

[na49]

Get it in your head that you can't change THEM, but you can change YOU. Go out and have your own life, do you, become independent.

 

This is what I have trouble with at times.

 

There aren't many things that I'd rather do than hang out with her.

[youngnlove89]

This is what I have trouble with at times.

 

There aren't many things that I'd rather do than hang out with her.

 

Aw. I know

 

But that's because you are dependent. You made her your world. And that's okay sometimes. People do that when they are in love. But it's healthy to have your own outlet. Your own life. Your own friends. And your own time.

 

It's hard at first because you are so used to how you feel. But then it becomes easy and your relationship grows because of it. You miss each other and when you do spend time together, you make it worth it.

 

Just like if you were to have chocolate everyday, it's not exciting anymore. But if you get to have that chocolate on special occasions, it's richer and fuller and you really appreciate it.

 

The healthiest relationships are between two independent people who compliment one another's life. Not become it.

[PR08]

The healthiest relationships are between two independent people who compliment one another's life. Not become it.

 

This x100,000,000

 

So much of the agony and pain in the wake of a break-up is down to one of the two forgetting that simple fact. When you start making another person the center of your life, you become clingy, possessive and eventually unbalanced... and guess what happens then?

 

Live life for yourself. Never make someone else its focus. It is not healthy and it is not fair on either party.

[lula69]

So much of the agony and pain in the wake of a break-up is down to one of the two forgetting that simple fact. When you start making another person the center of your life, you become clingy, possessive and eventually unbalanced... and guess what happens then?

 

Live life for yourself. Never make someone else its focus. It is not healthy and it is not fair on either party.

I think this is true for the most part and in general.

 

However, I wonder if its worth looking deeper as to how it is true.

 

Because, my romantic fantasy would allow for my woman to make me the center of her life. And I would love to safely do that with her. And as we all know, this leads to interdependence and fusion. But its also ultimately what's beautiful about an elderly couple (provided they are generally happy people with each other).

 

The question therefore: why is it bad?

 

For me making her my life's center is bad because I may trust too much in her. I can get hurt, perhaps end up feeling used. But also, I may use her as a crutch actually. I need her to take care of me and she may not want to be my care taker. This is known to turn someone off from you. She wants to experience me not as weak and dependent. I might also, for fear of losing my crutch, become a yes man, deferring always to her, and don't pull my weight in decision making, not be a sparring partner she may want. Turn her off.

 

The other side, she makes me her center. I have the romantic taking care of my princess fantasy. So it should work then? I am OK if she defers every decision to me. I am fine if she is a yes-woman. No problem. Why would I be suffocated if she wants me all the time? Well, here is why: because very likely she would resent the whole setup. Very likely she would not really eagerly affirm every decision I'd make. She wants her own decisions that may conflict with mine. More often than not, she would resent this passivity and not know what to do about it. So she would take the fight underground. She might become withholding, forgetful, ill, frigid, ... the usual symptoms of wives in "traditional" marriages. That's because she isn't really following me with all her heart, she would resent her own passivity.

 

She would utter her requests indirectly, by manipulation and ultimately inducing guilt in me to make me do what she wants. And that is what I would resent very strongly.

 

People must learn to stand up for what they want. And to do that, you always risk loss of the relationship.

 

Perhaps, gradually, over many years, when done actively, a couple might grow together so that they are really fitting each other in a healthy way, so that they can, slowly, become the center of each others lives. But it takes time, and from my own experience, I can say that 17 years of marriage, 20 of relationship, that time alone, even with some good will, are not enough. It does not happen automatically. And it requires each partner to be ready to risk everything and ready to collaborate and give what they can, and ultimately, them being right for each other -- so that each can gladly give what the other truly needs.

Edited July 24, 2013 by lula69

[JadedRomantic]

AT LEAST YOUR EX GIVES YOU SEX!

 

Mine won't budge on this !

 

He likens having sex to getting back together... He can only do it in a relationship with me with 100% feelings involved, or wait until we are friends with benefits.

 

At least you get the sex, damn it:(

 

Back to day one for me.

 

????? I'm in the same boat, my ex and I have been hanging out almost everyday, talking about the past and the future etc etc., however, NO SEX.

 

We haven't really talked about it but it's an unspoken thing and it's for the same reasons. We were a strong and in love couple and having sex would have to be only after we are offically exclusive again.

 

I understand missing the good sex and that connection (TRUST me lol), but I see not having sex as more of a respect thing. That until all the confusion has cleared, until the relationship IS in fact a relationship again ... until all that, I get frustrated sometimes, but overall agree with and like the no sex.

 

I think once you have sex before things are clear, you do actually ruin your chances as being seen as different than any of the other girls that are 'just sex'.

 

See it as a good thing! I think it means he respects you and doesn't want to hurt you or confuse things further! It's a good thing! **Martha Stewart voice**

[lula69]

I understand missing the good sex and that connection (TRUST me lol), but ...

 

I think once you have sex before things are clear, you do actually ruin your chances as being seen as different than any of the other girls that are 'just sex'.

I would ring a bell of caution. There is a possibly fatal misconception here.

 

"I'm different than the other girls that are 'just sex'" -- is saying I'm a good girl, I don't need sex that much, I'm not a slut like those girls. It sounds like you are performing an act to project an image for the purpose of contrasting yourself. You may even find this a very "appropriate" adult thing to do, but is this really you?

 

You are missing the good sex, I trust you, without lol, seriously, and perhaps you should trust yourself. You are trying to catch the guy, but strangely he is lacking desire for you and makes certain restriction as to when he can be sexual with you. You set yourself up for failure.

 

Plenty of women end up sexually bored because they "caught" the nice guy by projecting an image of "chaste good girl", or even scratch the archaic "chaste" and say just "responsible". I don't know how old you are now, but one day you will sorely miss the steam.

 

And then both you and he will hurt, and chances are you will hurt him, a whole lot. He will be your source of guilt, you will feel him as in the way between you and the fulfillment of your desire. You will likely cheat. You will likely lie to him (I would never ... / she would never). At some late point after causing a lot of damage, you might wake up and be very unhappy again . Or you may not wake up and make everyone else around you unhappy.

 

No, please don't.

 

If sexual chemistry is lacking and you are the one feeling it, confront that. Be very sure that you are absolutely whole with that. And beware of your young age. Women do not reach their sexual prime much before 27. That is when you will come to know what it feels like being driven by the desire hormone. Don't think you are a good girl. You will resent it.