Second Chances? Heck, I'm on my sixteenth.

[youngnlove89]

"Hi youngnlove,

Just want to say that I know what you're going through. It is incredibly hard to let go, but you HAVE to push yourself if he is not able to give you what you want, for your own good. Because one day, he will move on, and you will be the one left wondering, why the heck did I waste so much time on him?...."

 

Thanks for your story! That really helped me. It's good to know I'm not the only one who has been here.

 

You say you went NC cold turkey, did you just cut him off without a reason? I almost feel like I should do that with my guy because what reason is there to give. I can't breakup with him if we aren't together, right? Just block him and move on.

 

My heart falls heavy thinking about it. Thinking that this will be the end of it. It hurts so bad. I'm getting teary eyed at work now. This sucks.

 

It is a lot like a glorified FWB situation. Sucks. I don't know how you were SO strong to just ignore his texts like that! That's good! I wouldn't be able to.

 

I just wish I could shake him!! Be like "wake the heck up!!" I wish I could make him want me. But I can't.

 

It is so evil of him to use me for sex. To just string me along like this. I know I let him and all, but jeez, only because he lets me!

 

Now I'm just ranting..

 

How long did it take you by the way to get over him?

Edited May 29, 2013 by youngnlove89

[lula69]

Focus on your real needs.

 

I don't believe in this NC hack your arm off stuff.

 

I said I have the same issues. Here is what I just did. When I most long for her, I have some videos we took from web-cam sessions. And so I play that for me. Now I can remember some of how I felt when being with her. And I can see better why I thought then that it is best to stay out of each others way for some time. I might still end up back with her, even looking for her, but right now its not good, not useful to do. And now I am over this sense of longing after having calmed myself down.

 

But again, it was hugely important that we had parted in peace. If not I would have long chased after her again. So, if you can't be in peace with your decision to do NC, at least at the time, you will most likely not do it. And it's not good to keep making dramatic decisions and then going back on them, you end up losing trust and confidence in yourself.

 

I believe it is better confronting what you can't stop anyway. And go through it, not run away.

 

I haven't followed your relationship, but I think if you wonder if he needs his alone time, or if you wonder that he should call you and you can't call him, then that tells me you have not really worked with this relationship. And if you have not worked with that relationship, you don't know what it can and can not do for you.

 

What does it mean when you ask the guy you're sleeping with for years "will you be my boyfriend"?? That sounds kind of funny actually. And what does that question mean to him? And what does his "no" mean to him and what does it mean to you, really? He has zero obligation to say "yes" or to even do this "commitment" dance just because? Effectively you guys seem quite committed to each other. So what is the real issue actually? How old are you anyway?

 

The key for moving on is that you know for yourself in peace (not reactively) that it is good for your to do what ever else you are doing instead of running back to him. You can go back to him, there isn't anything wrong with that. But perhaps you have better things to do. But perhaps not. You can grow up in this relationship. Why do you try running away?

[KPChick000]

During the time we went back and forth, he always went through phases of hot and cold. And I could always sense when he would start getting cold again. So, when I got the inkling "cold" was happening again, I finally just said to myself, "F this!" It had been two years.

 

And I stopped talking to him, cold turkey. I blocked him on AIM (haha back in the day), I didn't answer his texts, I just fell off the radar. I didn't need to give a reason or explanation, because as you say, we weren't together. Sure, he probably thought, why did she just stop talking to me? But I don't owe him anything. I realized it wasn't a genuine friendship. Sure, he might have cared for me, but did he really? And was it enough? It was hard at first to resist the urge to talk to him, but it eventually became second-nature. Of course you have to distract yourself, and stop believing that you or your life are nothing without his existence.

 

It took me a good solid year of NC to get over him. And even after then, I thought about him still and had setbacks occasionally. But not in the same way anymore. More like a memory.

 

No matter how you (we) try to convince yourself having SOME part of him is better than nothing, it will not work. Because, ultimately, you're not happy. So, it is time to preserve your dignity, body, emotions for someone who truly deserves them and cherishes them, not someone who takes advantage because they can (intentionally or not).

[youngnlove89]

I believe it is better confronting what you can't stop anyway. And go through it, not run away.

 

Go through what? The "relationship" or the NC?

 

I haven't followed your relationship, but I think if you wonder if he needs his alone time, or if you wonder that he should call you and you can't call him, then that tells me you have not really worked with this relationship. And if you have not worked with that relationship, you don't know what it can and can not do for you.

 

I never call him first. Unless it's important. I never initiate. He always calls first. He doesn't like to talk about relationship stuff. He shuts down and goes cold.

 

What does it mean when you ask the guy you're sleeping with for years "will you be my boyfriend"?? That sounds kind of funny actually. And what does that question mean to him? And what does his "no" mean to him and what does it mean to you, really? He has zero obligation to say "yes" or to even do this "commitment" dance just because? Effectively you guys seem quite committed to each other. So what is the real issue actually? How old are you anyway?

 

I'm 23. He is 28. His No means that he can't make the commitment. He told me it feels final to him and it scares him. He says he doesn't want to be with anyone else, only me. He said that there are other girls out there he could flirt with, but he doesn't because he loves me. We are committed in the sense that we aren't seeing other people. BUT. He can't give me the relationship I want. We do go on trips together, I do see his friends, but it's happened less and less and probably because we break up so much. He has never bought me anything though besides dinner. He has never given me a card or present.

 

The key for moving on is that you know for yourself in peace (not reactively) that it is good for your to do what ever else you are doing instead of running back to him. You can go back to him, there isn't anything wrong with that. But perhaps you have better things to do. But perhaps not. You can grow up in this relationship. Why do you try running away?

 

Because everyone keeps telling me too. When I first came on here, I didn't expect the answers I got. I thought people would say he has commitment issues but here's how to work with them. But no, they all told me to run, hurry and run.

 

It's like a tug of war. So people say do this, others say do that. I'm lost. Confused.

 

What do I WANT?

[youngnlove89]

No matter how you (we) try to convince yourself having SOME part of him is better than nothing, it will not work. Because, ultimately, you're not happy. So, it is time to preserve your dignity, body, emotions for someone who truly deserves them and cherishes them, not someone who takes advantage because they can (intentionally or not).

 

Interesting. Good for you for going cold turkey NC.

 

Did you guys ever say I love you? How old were you and him?

 

I know I am not happy. I need to fix that.

[youngnlove89]

What would Ke$ha do?

 

Rip out her hair and snort cocaine.

[mammasita]

Rip out her hair and snort cocaine.

I thought that's what Brittney Spears did....

[KPChick000]

We said "I love you" within one month of dating (it was an intense relationship). But during the period of back and forth, we did not. I still loved him and I know he loved me. But loving each other wasn't enough- for the former relationship to work out and for the "back and forth" to change into something more.

 

When we broke up I was 21/22, and he was 24. We were in limbo land til I was 24.

 

So many opportunities lost by wasting time on something that went NOWHERE.

[youngnlove89]

We said "I love you" within one month of dating (it was an intense relationship). But during the period of back and forth, we did not. I still loved him and I know he loved me. But loving each other wasn't enough- for the former relationship to work out and for the "back and forth" to change into something more.

 

When we broke up I was 21/22, and he was 24. We were in limbo land til I was 24.

 

So many opportunities lost by wasting time on something that went NOWHERE.

 

Wow sad. It took my guy 1 year to say I love you. I said it 3 months in but he said he wasn't ready yet. Now we still both say it too.

 

Don't think of it as opportunities lost though, you stayed for a reason. I wouldn't regret it, but just be glad you learned from it.

 

I hope to be where you are one day!

[emmalynro]

What do you WANT? You WANT someone who will be good to you, someone who will be there for you, someone who will hold your hand when you walk into a room and say "This is my girlfriend, So-and-so", and when he says it he'll be the proudest guy in the room. You WANT someone who you can have at your side for fun adventures, but also someone who will stick with you through the boring times (hey, laundry doesn't fold itself) or the gross times (sorry about throwing up on your couch, hon) or the bad times (oops, you embarrassed him...).

 

No couple is perfect. You will have times when you want to throttle each other, times when you're angry and upset and disappointed in each other. But you stick it through, because you're in love and you're committed. That's what this is all about.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure this drama is very exciting---you can write lots of posts like the ones you've written. You can watch movie after movie and try to figure out whose relationship most resembles your own. And now you have stories to tell! You can recount it to your friends a thousand times and they'll pretend like it's interesting! But it's not healthy, and it's not what you want. You want a happy life with someone who treats you well. If he's not going to do that, then don't bother. Cry for a bit, dust yourself off, and find the next one. Onward!

[youngnlove89]

What do you WANT? You WANT someone who will be good to you, someone who will be there for you, someone who will hold your hand when you walk into a room and say "This is my girlfriend, So-and-so", and when he says it he'll be the proudest guy in the room. You WANT someone who you can have at your side for fun adventures, but also someone who will stick with you through the boring times (hey, laundry doesn't fold itself) or the gross times (sorry about throwing up on your couch, hon) or the bad times (oops, you embarrassed him...).

 

You are right. He does refer to me as his girlfriend in public though. He just doesn't want the title. He always says to me, "why does everything need a title?!" But when he introduces me to people, he does say girlfriend.

 

No couple is perfect. You will have times when you want to throttle each other, times when you're angry and upset and disappointed in each other. But you stick it through, because you're in love and you're committed. That's what this is all about.

 

We have had our fair share of this. And we always stick it though. I told him once that I was done for good, this was a year ago. He said, "no, we aren't. because we always find our way back to each other"

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure this drama is very exciting---you can write lots of posts like the ones you've written. You can watch movie after movie and try to figure out whose relationship most resembles your own. And now you have stories to tell! You can recount it to your friends a thousand times and they'll pretend like it's interesting! But it's not healthy, and it's not what you want. You want a happy life with someone who treats you well. If he's not going to do that, then don't bother. Cry for a bit, dust yourself off, and find the next one. Onward!

 

Sorry with the "excuses" I gave you. I need to do what is right. Even if it hurts.

[lula69]

I believe it is better confronting what you can't stop anyway. And go through it, not run away.

Go through what? The "relationship" or the NC?

I actually mean go through the relationship.

 

I never call him first. Unless it's important. I never initiate.

That might be a problem. Do you not want to? If you want something, why don't you initiate it? Do you have a rule book internalized that says women must never initiate but only be chased and begged? And then the rule is to squeeze a commitment out of him before going on? Not a good rule.

 

Since this whole issue is about you taking responsibility for your own happiness, it is a good step of learning if you take responsibility for your own wanting to be with him. Instead of sitting there sulking last night, you call him up or swing by. You realize your desire and you go for it. If he then rejects you, that is good learning experience. You make your decisions he makes his.

 

He doesn't like to talk about relationship stuff. He shuts down and goes cold.

This might be a learned skill to shut down. If "talking about the relationship" means him being pressured for commitment or being pressured to validate what you think lest he receives you sulking or getting anxious, he might avoid this conversation. I'm not giving you the fault here, just that it may be what happened in his past without or with you. Men know instinctively that this "talk about the relationship" is often not a real fair game but means "validate her feelings".

 

Does he really not care that someone cares about him? I do not believe that. So, if "talking about the relationship" might mean you inviting him "talk about how you feel" and you just listen. Let's say you go to the beach or you relax in the park on the lawn or on a walk, and perhaps he likes to lie down in your lap, you caressing his hair. May be there is an awkward silence. You let it go. You might ask "how do you feel"? Do you see what I'm saying? Like take away any impression that you are looking for being taken care of and just be open to listen to him. No pressure for outcome. And try to hold onto yourself whatever it is he says, do not react censoring his thought, do not pout if he says something you have a hard time swallowing. Truth can only come out if you let it. And you are keenly interested in the truth, so let it.

 

He always calls first. He doesn't like to talk about relationship stuff. He shuts down and goes cold.

 

I'm 23. He is 28. His No means that he can't make the commitment. He told me it feels final to him and it scares him. He says he doesn't want to be with anyone else, only me. He said that there are other girls out there he could flirt with, but he doesn't because he loves me. We are committed in the sense that we aren't seeing other people.... We do go on trips together, I do see his friends, but it's happened less and less and probably because we break up so much.

So what I see is that this "commitment" talk is some extraneous ceremony. You are effectively committed to each other. He is committed to you. He says he loves you. That's something. He doesn't fool around with others. You have good sex. You love him. So what is the problem? Instead of focusing on this "commitment" thing, why not just focus on life itself? Every day activity, what is he specifically doing that you like? And what is he doing that you don't like or can't live with?

 

BUT. He can't give me the relationship I want.

Really? You are having a relationship with him, for years. You are telling with your own actions that this is a relationship you are wanting every time. What's wrong with that? When you are together, are you happy? What is missing in actual present reality when you are together?

 

He has never bought me anything though besides dinner. He has never given me a card or present.

Is that it? I heard it a few times. What's the big deal? Have you given him a gift? Why have you given him a gift? Because you wanted something in return or because you like giving gifts?

 

There are people who say there are these 5 languages of love. 1) physical touch 2) words of affirmation 3) doing stuff together side by side 4) doing stuff for each other 5) giving and receiving gifts (things). What is your language of love? How do you rate what you like most to receive? What do you like most to give? I can tell you for me it is the order I have written them down. I couldn't care less about receiving gifts, and I am not good at giving them. When I buy gifts for a woman in my life it is usually something that makes me as happy as her, like something she can wear. Or may be its something expressing my good feelings for her. Or something anticipating getting physical. But gift? You'd be very unhappy with me if that is what you really needed. But is it what you need? Or is it just some expectation you have heard you should expect?

 

Why do you try running away?

Because everyone keeps telling me too. When I first came on here, I didn't expect the answers I got. I thought people would say he has commitment issues but here's how to work with them. But no, they all told me to run, hurry and run.

 

It's like a tug of war. So people say do this, others say do that. I'm lost. Confused.

Yes indeed. What you need to learn is to make your own decisions. You have to stop seeking others to tell you what to do and what you should be feeling and what you should be expecting. You ask what you want, that is where you start from. And I think this is a question you can answer (and only you!). And everything goes from there.

 

You are 23, you want to be with him? So be with him. Did I hear someone suggesting you or your "body" is too good for him or you should preserve your body and stuff? It's B/S. If you want to have sex with him have sex with him all you want. What's the harm? You seem to have a long term monogamous relationship. So have sex and enjoy.

 

Do what you want to do. Don't get impressed by people telling you he's a douche because he doesn't buy you a gift.

 

Go deeper on what it is you really want. You feel you want him and be with him, OK, now while you are with him, try to figure out what it is specifically you like about that experience. And when you are there together, what do you not like? Focus in the present. Saying "I don't like that I don't know if I will be with him tomorrow" is not in the present. Besides if history is any indication, the answer is likely "yes". He even seems to have given you a verbal commitment that he loves you, does not want to flirt with anyone else.

 

What does the relationship do good for you? And what is missing, in actuality while you are present. Don't judge what's missing by assuming what "should" be there, whether that's gifts or "commitment".

 

And get to know each other, open up to each other, which, in the case of a woman with a man, should often mean "learn to listen to him and give him some space to open up". Not saying you should forfeit your own needs to be taken care of too, but since you are anyway together, why not give it a real shot? Do what you want in the moment, don't do anything because you expect anything in return. And free this relationship of unnecessary expectations. Find out what is truly necessary for you and when you really know your bottom line, taking the right step will be easier, because it will be YOUR decision, not what other people think.

Edited May 29, 2013 by lula69

[youngnlove89]

Lula69, I'll reply later. I am still reading your post. It's very interesting. Thank you for your time to write all that. I appreciate that.

 

I like to hear other perspectives.

 

But, I have a feeling other posters will not.

[thefooloftheyear]

Nothing you do, Younglove98, will get him to change.

 

Like the poster above pointed out: some people will never change for us, or even after us.

 

AT LEAST YOUR EX GIVES YOU SEX!

 

Mine won't budge on this !

 

He likens having sex to getting back together... He can only do it in a relationship with me with 100% feelings involved, or wait until we are friends with benefits.

 

At least you get the sex, damn it:(

 

Back to day one for me.

 

 

He's smarter and more considerate than you are being...Really?

 

TFY

[lula69]

no wait ...

[youngnlove89]

It's pretty clear the gift thing isn't about a gift but about the thought that counts. He cheated on her, and does other disrespectful things.

 

She's not enjoying this relationship. Trust isn't an unnecessary expectation. It's a pillar.

 

 

Correction: He has never cheated on me.

 

And of course, the gift thing is about the thought of it. Nothing to do with money. I rather have a card or a home made CD.

[youngnlove89]

Fact is I'm not happy because he can't and won't give me what I want: the title, a commitment (move in together, plan marriage and kids). Those are two BIG things. And two BIG things we lack in our pseudo-relationship.

 

But I am happy being with him. He makes me laugh, I can talk to him about anything, he is attractive and very charming. I obviously stuck around for a reason. I love him.

[youngnlove89]

no wait ...

 

No wait what?

[lula69]

[i posted a draft too quickly, that's why I said "no wait ..."]

 

Sure the gift is about the thought, but that's a cliché. My question stands have you given him gifts? And why? What is your expectation? Doing anything, including being nice and having sex for the expectation of something else in the future is a mistake. Pressuring and coaxing a commitment in the future is a mistake. Either you like being with the guy or not. If you just like the chase and the prize of the commitment, you are putting yourself at a high risk of failure, and more likely than you think YOU will become your life's biggest failure...

 

So, on the question, "What do you want?" I went looking and I feel it relevant to bring this up:

 

I want a boyfriend who can call me up everyday and talk to me. I want a boyfriend who can text me good morning and good night. I want a boyfriend who can take me out on the weekends and do fun things together. I want a boyfriend who says he misses me when were aren't together. I want a boyfriend who says he loves me everday. I want flowers, simple gestures, and heart-warming surprises. I want to feel loved and wanted by someone. I want to be told I'm what he's been looking for. I want to be able to trust him and be trusted by him. I want to prosper in a relationship, move in, get engaged, get married and have a family. I want romance. I want needy eyes and candle lit dinners. I want excitement, I want the LOVE to be mutal, I want passion and everything a relationship should be.

There is a lot of "happily ever after" dream in this. There is a lot in this that is about the relationship for relationship's sake and there is a lot of it for the purpose of receiving validation. Many relationships that are built on these ideas will collapse or run into deep trouble.

 

In over 20% of the cases the very woman who was after this kind of commitment will lose interest in the coveted man and in ~20% will end up having an affair. This goes faster than you think. 4 years seems to be a magic number, or when you move toward 30. And when your kids will be 2 years old. The house built on "I want romance and commitment" is very likely to collapse.

 

Yes, we all want to be wanted, but that isn't really enough either. I am sure there is or was some person in your life who wanted you, but that hasn't been enough either. And the wanting wanes. I can give you someone who calls and writes to you every day and you would not want that, you'd say he's a creep.

 

Trust is also is just a word, a cliché really. When things are great, we think we trust. But that can be an illusion. And in reality, trust isn't always the best strategy.

 

And "get married and have a family. I want romance" ... hold it ... many unsuspecting people find these words strung together like this to be an oxymoron. And are very disappointed. Because their dream seems to have gone wrong. Dealing with babies is not romance unless you take special care. With 23 talking about a family now is probably fairly early.

 

And what about the "needy eyes"? I can give you needy eyes, and when you grow up in confidence, you may despise those very needy eyes. There are many men whose neediness brings them only despair. And it usually starts very romantic and "you're the only one for me".

 

The big risk I see that creating the romance in the quoted "I want ..." statement is all about "I want HIM to MAKE ME HAPPY".

 

So, this is not a statement of what you want nor what you need.

 

Yes, we all want to be loved, wanted, needed, but it is not healthy because its too dependent on the other, and it isn't enough.

 

This is why I say to focus on the actual presence together and what you do together and how you feel being together to really understand what you have and what you don't have and what you really (really) need. Take ownership for wanting and desire, nobody can "make" you happy. You can choose to be happy by enjoying what you have and choose what you want (and not choose what you don't want or get hung up on what you don't really need.)

 

You're saying you go on trips together? How does that work out? How is it sitting 8 hours in the car next to each other, or on a plane or train, etc.? How is it when something goes wrong on the trip, like a tire bursts, the plane is late and you get bumped? How do you solve problems together? How does each deal with responsibility ("if it weren't for your doing X we would not be in this situation now" kind of thoughts.) How do you do things that are not about the relationship?

 

It is never a mistake to work on yourself to do your very best to be clear what you want, really see it happening when it does, and make what you want happen the best you can.

 

I believe that when you do that, you grow up and you build an investment in yourself. You won't waste your time in reptilian reflex run-and-sulk cycles. You will become more aware and also be more honest regarding your own failings and gain strategies how to cope with reality in the moment.

 

In the end, I believe, you either will have made this relationship work or you will know much more confident and clear how it is not working and then you will be less susceptible to enter a new cycle. And you will have learned about yourself and relationships in general.

Edited May 29, 2013 by lula69

[youngnlove89]

My question stands have you given him gifts? And why? What is your expectation? Doing anything, including being nice and having sex for the expectation of something else in the future is a mistake. Pressuring and coaxing a commitment in the future is a mistake. Either you like being with the guy or not. If you just like the chase and the prize of the commitment, you are putting yourself at a high risk of failure, and more likely than you think YOU will become your life's biggest failure...

 

Yes. I have made him tons of CD's, bought him cards, and for both birthdays I took him out to dinner and a movie, for Christmas I bought him stuff. I never expected anything in return, but it hurt me to know he didn't give me even a card...

 

There is a lot of "happily ever after" dream in this. There is a lot in this that is about the relationship for relationship's sake and there is a lot of it for the purpose of receiving validation. Many relationships that are built on these ideas will collapse or run into deep trouble.

 

In over 20% of the cases the very woman who was after this kind of commitment will lose interest in the coveted man and in ~20% will end up having an affair. This goes faster than you think. 4 years seems to be a magic number, or when you move toward 30. And when your kids will be 2 years old. The house built on "I want romance and commitment" is very likely to collapse.

 

Good point. Interesting. I haven't been that far to know any different. This is my first long term relationship ever.

 

Yes, we all want to be wanted, but that isn't really enough either. I am sure there is or was some person in your life who wanted you, but that hasn't been enough either. And the wanting wanes. I can give you someone who calls and writes to you every day and you would not want that, you'd say he's a creep.

 

That's funny. Because I actually have said that. Guys who want me, guys who give me the attention I want, creep me out and I don't want them back. Why does it work that way? I've always been attracted to the guy that makes me work for his attention.

 

And "get married and have a family. I want romance" ... hold it ... many unsuspecting people find these words strung together like this to be an oxymoron. And are very disappointed. Because their dream seems to have gone wrong. Dealing with babies is not romance unless you take special care. With 23 talking about a family now is probably fairly early.

 

It is too early. I don't want kids or marriage right now. I'm not even sure if I really wants kids at all. But I like the option, I'd like to be able to discuss it with someone I love.

 

And what about the "needy eyes"? I can give you needy eyes, and when you grow up in confidence, you may despise those very needy eyes. There are many men whose neediness brings them only despair. And it usually starts very romantic and "you're the only one for me".

 

I've seen those needy eyes from my him. It was over this past weekend. And he baby talked me for the first time ever, reached out his hands and acted like baby grabbing his bottle motioning me to come lay by him, he put his head on my belly and just squeezed me tight while we laid there talking about life. Smiling and holding each other. It was weird. I'm not sure if I liked it at first, but then I assumed it was because he just really enjoyed me at that moment. But it just wasn't like him, he is this manly man and I didn't expect that.

 

The big risk I see that creating the romance in the quoted "I want ..." statement is all about "I want HIM to MAKE ME HAPPY".

 

So, this is not a statement of what you want nor what you need.

 

Yes, we all want to be loved, wanted, needed, but it is not healthy because its too dependent on the other, and it isn't enough.

 

Good point again. I should find that in myself, not others.

 

You're saying you go on trips together? How does that work out? How is it siting 8 hours in the car next to each other, or on a plane or train, etc.? How is it when something goes wrong on the trip, like a tire bursts, the plane is late and you get bumped? How do you solve problems together? How does each deal with responsibility ("if it weren't for your doing X we would not be in this situation now" kind of thoughts.) How do you do things that are not about the relationship?

 

Yes we do go on trips here and there. We have been on a plane ride together while we traveled to visit his friends/family, I'm scared of heights, so he held my hand tight and was sweet. Talked me right through it. Most of the time we talked, giggled, and I slept on his shoulder till we arrived.

 

We have been on a few trips that had 2 hour drives and we always listened to music, made fun of each others singing voices, laughed, talked...

 

He has definitely opened up more the past 6 months. He has told me things that he has never told anyone before per what he said.

 

One thing that I do regret is not taking many pictures together. We both forget about it. But for the 2 years we dated, we only have maybe 20 pictures together.

 

We don't argue much really. We handle situations well. Mostly because he is very mature and knows how to handle things. So I just go with the flow.

 

A lot of times, we handle situations in a weird way: by laughing about it. He does get frustrated sometimes and I am stubborn. But in the end, we make fun of it and we laugh a lot. The number one thing I enjoy about him is how much we laugh at each other and pick on each other and make fun of each other. But it's fun. We get along well because we both have witty, sarcastic sense of humors. He tells me I'm a pain in the a$$, I tell him he is an *********. It's true.

 

In the end, I believe, you either will have made this relationship work or you will know much more confident and clear how it is not working and then you will be less susceptible to enter a new cycle. And you will have learned about yourself and relationships in general.

 

Either way, it all ends well, right?

[youngnlove89]

I realize I don't understand anything about your situation now lol. I thought he had cheated. I don't think he has to txt you or call you all the time. I don't think he has to agree to move in together.

 

It's okay. He has never cheated, thank god. I would be a wreck. Well, I agree, but most of the time I don't initiate contact, I don't know why, but when I do text or call first he always responds.

 

I do think he should be sweet with you and make you feel wanted unless you're being crazy and in that case you will never feel wanted. I do think if it's been a number of months you should have similar goals in terms of relationship. As I already said I don't think he has to agree to move in together, agree to father you children or otherwise propose.

 

Hmm. I agree.

 

So, maybe he could make sure to let every one know you're his girlfriend. Give you a pin or promise ring if it will cheer you up. If you want kids I don't think it's a good sign if he says he never does. I think he has a right not to want to talk specifically about marriage and kids but keep it vague.

 

In the beginning he went from saying, I dont want kids to saying, I could have kids one day.

 

If it's a serious relationship you can start the engagement clock a year or two from now. It seems like it's a break up a lot not going any where relationship though simply from all the drama. Though maybe you are causing it?

 

I am causing it. I am the one who keeps leaving him. I know he gets tired of it, he told me. He once said he had enough because it was detrimental to his feelings because he kept thinking I was going to leave him, which made him self conscious. We have had an inconsistent relationship. But the first 6 months we dated, he broke up with me 3 times. Since then, I just was self conscious myself and worried he would break up with me again. He hasn't since. But maybe because I beat him too it. I know, not the best way to think of things.

[youngnlove89]

no wait ...

 

By the way, who are you? How old are you?

 

You haven't started any threads?

[lula69]

Good start. Doesn't look too bad really.

 

There's a book by Mira Kirshenbaum "Is He Mr. Right". And I recommend you reading that.

 

She says there is 5 dimensions of chemistry that you need to have together. It's a bit hard to make that assessment and be really honest. But it's good information to watch for.

 

Keep focusing on the now. You are in it and you may want to go all the way in and make the best of it. Become aware in the present moment. Something that beats you down or lifts you up recognize it, but don't react. No more running away but staying in it until you have a calm peaceful clarity.

 

Good luck now.

 

 

 

PS: thanks for this forum. Talking this through with you has allowed myself to focus and in my case helped me to now not react to my feelings of the moment by seeking re-connection. Because I did the things that I advised you and I have more clarity because of it.

 

Since you asked: I am in my early 40s and in the last 3 years just woken up to how it all really works. I have a 20 year long term relationship behind me ... unfortunately I did not know many things that I know now.

[youngnlove89]

Good start. Doesn't look too bad really.

 

There's a book by Mira Kirshenbaum "Is He Mr. Right". And I recommend you reading that.

 

She says there is 5 dimensions of chemistry that you need to have together. It's a bit hard to make that assessment and be really honest. But it's good information to watch for.

 

Keep focusing on the now. You are in it and you may want to go all the way in and make the best of it. Become aware in the present moment. Something that beats you down or lifts you up recognize it, but don't react. No more running away but staying in it until you have a calm peaceful clarity.

 

Good luck now.

 

PS: thanks for this forum. Talking this through with you has allowed myself to focus and in my case helped me to now not react to my feelings of the moment by seeking re-connection. Because I did the things that I advised you and I have more clarity because of it.

 

Since you asked: I am in my early 40s and in the last 3 years just woken up to how it all really works. I have a 20 year long term relationship behind me ... unfortunately I did not know many things that I know now.

 

Thanks for you insightful advice. Are you familiar with the relationship I am in? Have you been with a commitment phobe?

 

When you say the last 3 years you woken up? What did you wake up from?

 

20 years? No marriage?

[lula69]

Thanks for you insightful advice. Are you familiar with the relationship I am in? Have you been with a commitment phobe?

 

When you say the last 3 years you woken up? What did you wake up from?

 

20 years? No marriage?

 

I was married, yes. But that is a different story altogether.

 

I would not operate with the term "commitment phobe" I think the focus on commitment is the wrong perspective, but I said enough.