Second Chances? Heck, I'm on my sixteenth.

[youngnlove89]

OMG, this goes on and on. Why not give it a rest now?

 

Sorry haha I guess I'm addicted to the subject.

 

I will go buy that book today, thank you

[lula69]

I did tell my guy about my friend and he was seemingly upset about it. I didn't mean to upset him, just to be honest with him. He had asked, so I answered.

Great attitude! Straight forward, I like that!

[youngnlove89]

Great attitude! Straight forward, I like that!

 

 

What I find refreshing about you, whoever you are, is that you see a chance in my relationship. It's like a breath of fresh air, I can breathe again.

[Drseussgrrl]

 

What I find refreshing about you, whoever you are, is that you see a chance in my relationship. It's like a breath of fresh air, I can breathe again.

 

Whatever excuse you need to hang on to this, YNL. You've found it.

 

Believe it or not there are men out there who will date you and have no qualms about calling you their girlfriend. Especially after two years. This is ridiculous. And it's not something you have to push for because they will WANT to be.

 

Good luck to you.

[KatZee]

Yea I don't get the "I'm going to be with him but work on my own life." You can't even focus on yourself when you're alone, how do you plan on working on yourself when your focus is entirely on HIM? This makes absolutely no sense to me. Not to mention you're just playing games and using someone as a crutch and playing with him just to get where you want to be? I'm not saying he's a great guy but no one deserves to be played like that.

[youngnlove89]

Yea I don't get the "I'm going to be with him but work on my own life." You can't even focus on yourself when you're alone, how do you plan on working on yourself when your focus is entirely on HIM? This makes absolutely no sense to me. Not to mention you're just playing games and using someone as a crutch and playing with him just to get where you want to be? I'm not saying he's a great guy but no one deserves to be played like that.

 

I'm not trying to play games. I'm not using him. I can't use him, I love him. I'm the one who wants to be with him, remember? I'm confused, I go back and forth in my mind because he makes me confused by the things he says or does sometimes. And then all of you convince me that maybe I do deserve better and maybe I should leave him, maybe it is a dead end street. To be honest, all the times I broke up with him again and again is because I was convinced on here that I should. I love the advice I get on here, I do. But then my mind takes over and I remember I want to be with him, I love him. And it's hard without him.

 

But now I realized I'm just going to stop acting on my emotions and just listen to my feelings and not react on whim. I'm going to try something different. That is all. If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. I'm not at all trying to use him in the sense that I don't love him and I want to use his company until I meet someone else. (that was just advice I was given)

 

I'm just going with the flow right now and doing ME. I'm putting myself as priority first and then him. What is so wrong with that?! That's what everyone tells me to do.

 

I went to the doctors yesterday and I talked to him about my issues, he put me on an anti depressant and I found some free therapy to go to since I am a rape victim. I'm going to check it out. I'm trying to make myself feel better and get through this. I don't like taking anti depressants, but if it can make me feel better about myself then heck, I'll try it.

[youngnlove89]

Whatever excuse you need to hang on to this, YNL. You've found it.

 

Believe it or not there are men out there who will date you and have no qualms about calling you their girlfriend. Especially after two years. This is ridiculous. And it's not something you have to push for because they will WANT to be.

 

Good luck to you.

 

I know. I know.

 

I know there are men out there like that, and every time I come across them, I run! It scares me.

[Treasa]

I see so much of my younger self in you that it's scary.

 

I didn't get better. I FELT better temporarily, and then felt like **** when things with these particular guys would fall apart. It was like huge up and down waves, rather than the smaller waves I live by now.

 

Eventually you will either get sick of all of this and actually make a change (as in, break up with him and KEEP the break and not talk to him anymore), or you'll keep getting hurt.

 

That's honestly how I see it.

 

It was hard to make the choice to stop doing what I had been doing. It was so comfortable, and the highs were so worth it...or so I thought.

 

I find my joy in other things now. So, for me, it's more like big up waves once in a while, and then pretty even-keel waves until the next big up one comes along. I rarely have that plunging down into sadness thing anymore. At least, I haven't in months and months. And it's only because I really focused on Traci and didn't let anything, or anyone, else interfere with that work.

 

Signed,

~Someone who doesn't want commitment, but isn't putting up with the ****ty behavior from people anymore, either

 

P.S. Your emotions being under the control of someone else is bull****. Never. Again.

[youngnlove89]

Eventually you will either get sick of all of this and actually make a change (as in, break up with him and KEEP the break and not talk to him anymore), or you'll keep getting hurt.

 

That's honestly how I see it.

 

Yep. This is pretty much what it is for now. Other option is him getting tired of it too and leaving, meeting someone else.

 

But I'm not a bad person. I didn't commit a crime. I just love someone who has commitment issues or whatever.

 

I am working on me while being with him. That's all.

 

It's weird, but the drug they gave me makes me feel really numb and tingly. I don't know if I like it, but I'm going to try it out.

[pamc]

So, he pulled you back in. I read what the therapist said that you allow it to happen. What if you set up some boundaries that you can live with. You said that you like complicated relationships...and no commitments. Then you should be happy. Where does the relationship go down the toilet? You've been down that road before. Replay in your head, your movie if you will, what happens that messes you up. If you continue to do the same things, you will get the same results. You will have to do something different this time. Even if it's just one small thing.

 

The fear is paralyzing you so that you'll remain stuck. That's an awful place, because that place robs you of hope. Without hope, you just settle. Most people don't go into anything hoping it will be mediocre. Like, "I'm going to college to be a mediocre doctor or lawyer. I'll just settle for average or below average." I'm not saying dump this guy, but it looks like you've given it the old college try, and it isn't going so well. You love who you love. So the question is: Do you want to live like this or not?

 

It takes courage to move on and up. What is it that you love about him? Make a list of pros and cons, then you judge for yourself. Sometimes it takes years to work up enough courage to move on. Then, there are those who just deal with it.

[Treasa]

No one here has said you're a bad person. Where are you getting that idea from? Who in your life or your past has told you that you're a bad person, or why do you seem to think you are? And I'm sorry, but you do seem to think you are, no matter what you protest.

[youngnlove89]

No one here has said you're a bad person. Where are you getting that idea from? Who in your life or your past has told you that you're a bad person, or why do you seem to think you are? And I'm sorry, but you do seem to think you are, no matter what you protest.

 

I didn't say any of you said I'm a bad person. I just stated I wasn't. We all act like love is the end of the world, that going back to someone who may not be "good for us" is a horrible, deadly idea. Like it's the end of the world. I guess I'm just looking for reassurance when really I need to find that in myself, not with you guys. I appreciate the advice nonetheless, but come on, this is my heart and feelings we are dealing with. Maybe I'm not as "strong" as the bunch of you, maybe I can't just walk away and never turn back, maybe I don't have the self esteem you guys have...maybe it takes more time for me.

 

...and "I'm sorry" but no, I do not think I am a bad person.

[Treasa]

I don't think you are, either. But it still seems like somewhere inside you're worried or unsure about this.

[youngnlove89]

I don't think you are, either. But it still seems like somewhere inside you're worried or unsure about this.

 

Probably because I seek validation of others. I know I'm not a bad person, but I want other people to know that too.

 

I am co-dependent. I see that in myself. Because I have self esteem issues.

 

If you notice your problems you can work on them.

[Treasa]

Probably because I seek validation of others. I know I'm not a bad person, but I want other people to know that too.

 

I am co-dependent. I see that in myself. Because I have self esteem issues.

 

If you notice your problems you can work on them.

 

I noticed my problems for about 20 years before I actually did real, true work on them.

 

I'm just concerned about you. I can't reassure you because I don't think this will ultimately make you happy. But if not having a commitment with him is what you want, despite other threads to the contrary, then I'm happy for you?

 

If you're enjoying whatever you have going on with him, then continue on. But don't ask for reassurances from people who know better. If someone reassures you, they are probably having similar issues and are no better off than you are.

[Treasa]

I know it's terribly uncomfortable and scary to let go of everyone and find your validation from within, but it's really the only path.

 

If it were easy and comfortable, everyone would do it. It takes a huge set, trust me. And it's scary, and it's lonely at times, and it's SO WORTH IT when you come through on the other side.

[youngnlove89]

I know it's terribly uncomfortable and scary to let go of everyone and find your validation from within, but it's really the only path.

 

If it were easy and comfortable, everyone would do it. It takes a huge set, trust me. And it's scary, and it's lonely at times, and it's SO WORTH IT when you come through on the other side.

 

Thank you. I understand that. But it might take me 20 years to do it like you did. Sadly.

[Woggle]

I don't know if drugging yourself is the answer. The only solution is looking deep inside yourself and figuring out why you are addicted to this kind of thing. This guy is wrong for what he does to you but at this point you volunteer for it.

[Treasa]

Thank you. I understand that. But it might take me 20 years to do it like you did. Sadly.

 

Wow. What a dig. Anyway... You'll get there.

[youngnlove89]

Wow. What a dig. Anyway... You'll get there.

 

Aww, I didn't mean it like that!!! I swear, I'm sorry. I'm just saying we all find ourselves differently, some take long, some don't. I might be one of those that take long.

 

Sorry sweetie

[youngnlove89]

I don't know if drugging yourself is the answer. The only solution is looking deep inside yourself and figuring out why you are addicted to this kind of thing. This guy is wrong for what he does to you but at this point you volunteer for it.

 

I am going to a therapist so hopefully I'll figure it out!

 

I don't think drugging myself is the answer either, but I have more issues than just my relationship going on.

[Treasa]

Aww, I didn't mean it like that!!! I swear, I'm sorry. I'm just saying we all find ourselves differently, some take long, some don't. I might be one of those that take long.

 

Sorry sweetie

 

Haha, it's ok. For a second I was, "Dafuq?" but then I immediately started laughing.

[lula69]

YNL, you just made a very good observation to just allow to sink in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can you turn off the quick rush to judgment?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OK, no judgment, no self-judgment and no beating yourself up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ready?

 

 

 

Now look:

Believe it or not there are men out there who will date you and have no qualms about calling you their girlfriend. Especially after two years. This is ridiculous. And it's not something you have to push for because they will WANT to be.

I know there are men out there like that, and every time I come across them, I run! It scares me.

 

I am just talking with one of the best relationship trouble book authors that I have found of late. And she was saying this in an email:

 

It's impossible for only one person in a relationship to be confused. In other words, the person who "appears" to be waiting is actually as uncommitted as the person who is openly conflicted.

 

Commitment conflict is the primary problem in relationships today and there are two ways that people express conflict. People are either open about being conflicted about commitment or they choose partners who are conflicted or situations that prevent forward movement.

 

This struck a cord with me on so many levels. And I beg you to not rush in with head-bobbing and judgement along the line of "I know I'm doing it all wrong and need a therapist , an AA group to beat up on me, and Xanax". No. Relax. Also remember that I do not like to operate with the term "Commitment phobe" because the pressure and expectation for this fake "commitment" that I'm hearing on this thread is not what this is about.

 

I am so happy to see how you could see and self-validate your own experience that when you are with the commitment hungry "good guy" you are not happy and you run. And to avoid all stereotypes, I would say it's enough to realize there may be nothing wrong with the "good guy" per se. Only 2 things are wrong: (1) you have selected him not based on how well your chemistry reacts, but rather how much he fits the "good guy" stereotype, and (2) you yourself are not wanting to commit.

 

And, there is nothing whatsoever wrong with you not wanting to commit right now. You are not a dumb girl, nor a slut, nor are you sick, nor even do you have any more "issues" than most people on the face of the earth. In fact, I experience you as quite smart and perceptive about your own needs.

 

Stick to your instinct about the chemistry you have with the guy, and how you savor the fact that he is not so needy and keeps you on your toes. You're enjoying the chase too, and this current situation keeps you from getting engulfed and suffocated. All good. Acknowledge it and be confident about this. It ain't the end of your road. But you can go your way to self-realization without all that drama and nonsense which you are being told you need to comply to.

 

As long as you continue to increase your awareness even further, so that you are aware of your feelings in the situation, and see reality through all the smoke and mirror of social indoctrination telling you what you should want instead of what you really do want. I don't see any signs that you are in any form of abusive relationship with no future. In fact, I see a bright future. Don't run from this relationship and lay off all these disingenuous attitudes that you are being indoctrinated with that you somehow need to get out of it and sneak around and lay him off and that he's a jerk and you deserve better, all that is nonsense.

 

Everyone in this free world deserve what they have. You are not entitled to some Knight in Shining Armor, and those types don't exist. Nobody is responsible for your happiness but you. And you have a real relationship on your hand where you two have hit it off splendidly, you are getting along fine (from all I am hearing), you are just mightily confused by invasive societal programming.

 

You both have commitment "issues" which isn't a big deal. Because why should you or he commit? What for? Instead of committing to a cliché you are building a relationship. You are not done evaluating how good this relationship is for you in all aspects and neither is he. You are not done learning how to be constructive about your life and do your part to make yourself happy. But with calm awareness you will get to the bottom of this and you will either grow together or grow out and apart. But you do not need a pry-bar, nor Xanax, nor do you need to engage in some gradual weaning process in which you slowly exit the relationship in some covert way.

 

Build it and grow, don't destroy it.

Edited May 31, 2013 by lula69

[youngnlove89]

Lulu69, you are very very wise. I have copied and pasted everything you have given me and plan to read it over and over when I have my moments. Thank you for the plethora of insightful advice. You really turned things around for me. I appreciate your time!

[youngnlove89]

Lulu only posts in your threads. Maybe he's your inner middle aged man.

 

 

You know, I questioned that. (this is weird, but: I prayed to God and told him to give me a sign) Was this it? ;p