Torn OW..MM..Family Vacation

[Back2WhatUKnow]

Long story short..I've been involved with this MM 4 long years. The progress he moved out with a family member 2 yrs ago. Still M. No talk of DDay. Yet his M is pretty much severed it seems. I've read the emails and texts they can't stand each other but they have two lovely children. So despite the mess they do things for the children. Well he has been on trips with them before the last one 2 years ago and he freaked out and came home early because he claimed he missed me. However, he had the grand opportunity lately

To take them to somewhere.."magical" for a week a first for everyone. He checked with me first. Which yea I'm torn. I hate this. I always put kids

first but why go on a trip with the W too...well he left..gone for a few days. After I blew up..I'm just hurt because here I'm thinking if someone is suppose to be deciding to spend their life with me. Why are we planning family trips..without me??? Please I don't need the rude comments. I know I'm naive for falling into this. I'd like to get out trust me. I'd have to jump state. I'm just so confused..hurt..and can't stop thinking of what could be going on. Ugh!

[Praying4Peace]

How many hotel rooms on this magical vacation? And do you have proof? And...do you even want to have to investigate like that?

 

It's possible that they take the kids on vacation together and have a dead M. But usually where there is hate there is still feelings.

[Back2WhatUKnow]

Smoocherific- Yes I have met his kids. I never asked too but he forced me to like as in unexpectedly bringing them by to me when they were younger. Now that they are getting older they recognize that I'm a friend if I happen to see them out and about. I feel uncomfortable with it for now because I express to him that I rather see them when this is all right not like this. I rather be involved or not at all and not emotionally tied even though it's too late.

 

Praying4Peace-I won't go into specifics but it was an invite from some other friends of theirs so hmm condo's so to speak. So you're right I don't know the specifics. Nor probably would I ever. DO I really want to know probably not.

 

LadyGrey-Proof yes I have it that he is out for sure. I don't know why I'm waiting to be honest. I've made plenty of threats. It's like he stalks me back and pins me right where he wants me. That's just it..I'm young no kids. We both met in the same career. I decided to leave my career for a new one and ventured off. All because I wanted away from him. He still finds me. He kills the life out of me but yet it's weird because I feel attached. It's really a horrible relationship. I am not proud.

 

hockeyfan-I say severed because just from what I read. From what verbal arguments I've heard through the phone. Yet they can put on a smile face in front of the kids and suck it up. They have discussed in the past if they could suck it up for the kids but they know they don't have the connection. However, we use to be so close but it's like now MM and I just kind of are like there for support of each other. WE use to talk of a future. Now it's gone for so long it's like I'm tired of it. I don't bring up what he's going to do anymore. Then this vacation comes up and suddenly I spazz out. I just finally blocked his number the day he left on his trip and I just honestly want to call it quits for good because it was a blow to me just to think..DID he really just take his W on this trip and put in my head that it will be just FINE. I just need that power.

 

Thanks for the honesty. Any other opinions I just needed to hear it bluntly!

[Back2WhatUKnow]

Then I realized days before he left. I tried to hold in my emotions that I was partially upset over him deciding to do the trip. Yet I thought of his kids. Whenever I showed any emotion just to express it. He would just jump and get angry and say he would just tell his kids that he is not going on the trip then. Then it was like it made me look bad? Was this a mind game?

[whichwayisup]

. I've made plenty of threats. It's like he stalks me back and pins me right where he wants me. That's just it..I'm young no kids. We both met in the same career. I decided to leave my career for a new one and ventured off. All because I wanted away from him. He still finds me. He kills the life out of me but yet it's weird because I feel attached. It's really a horrible relationship. I am not proud.

 

Then I realized days before he left. I tried to hold in my emotions that I was partially upset over him deciding to do the trip. Yet I thought of his kids. Whenever I showed any emotion just to express it. He would just jump and get angry and say he would just tell his kids that he is not going on the trip then. Then it was like it made me look bad? Was this a mind game?

 

Bottom line is, his kids come first.

 

Whatever it is between him and his wife is not completely over. If it was, they'd be divorced already. There are reasons why there hasn't been a D and you need to decide if you want to stick around and wait or bail out while you still can.

 

You're young and want your own family yet the longer you stay in the affair with him, the longer you'll be without. This man is kind of messed up.. And it's messing YOU up. He isn't that nice to you half the time and you're emotions and heart are taking a huge hit because of it.

 

While he's away, do more thinking. Take time to really sit and read other women's stories on here and ask yourself is it all worth it and how long you're willing to be second fiddle, put YOUR life hold for someone else who really has made no effort to divorce. He puts himself first, so it's time you start doing the same. STAND UP to him and don't let him selfishly manipulate you anymore! He doesn't have your best interest at heart! Remember that. And I'm not talking about him being malicious or anything, but he is just damn selfish and only thinks of himself.

[spice4life]

Then I realized days before he left. I tried to hold in my emotions that I was partially upset over him deciding to do the trip. Yet I thought of his kids. Whenever I showed any emotion just to express it. He would just jump and get angry and say he would just tell his kids that he is not going on the trip then. Then it was like it made me look bad? Was this a mind game?

 

Oh that's nice...throw the kids at you. Listen, you have every right to feel what you're feeling. Its 1000% normal and don't forget that. He may not like it, but what does he expect you to do?... roll over and stuff them? He has the life he wants and that's fine, but he can't expect you to betray yourself forever. Eventually you have to make a choice that's right for your life. Why is walking away from a situation that hurts and makes you feel like the gum on the bottom of someone's shoe so wrong?

 

I couldn't take it anymore either. My situation was nothing like what LFH and some of the others describe in this forum. Many aspects were great, the best, but having to keep a clamp on my emotions (normal emotions!) and not coming to me directly with issues was too much to take. I want the freedom to feel normal in a relationship without having to abide by rules that make you feel hurt and not worth the effort. He has limitations that he lives by and that's fine.. but, why do I have to sacrifice myself to meet them if it means I have to betray who I am? That's not fair of him to expect that either.

 

Ugh.. sorry for the rant. I just wanted to say I feel your pain.

[Praying4Peace]

How manipulative. Of COURSE the kids come first. He knows you aren't upset about him and the KIDS. But to put it on you like that, grrrrr.

[Summer Breeze]

If it's ok for him to take a vacation with his x then you certainly can too. If he's been out of the house for 2 years there is no reason for there to be a vacation without you. As far as him having his little hissy fit and threatening to not go -- you better believe it was nothing but him manipulating you. And it worked.

 

As LFH and others said you need to find your voice, your feet, and your power. If he's been out for 2 years then you should not be in an A any longer. Tell him to ***** or get off the pot.

[findingnemo]

Then I realized days before he left. I tried to hold in my emotions that I was partially upset over him deciding to do the trip. Yet I thought of his kids. Whenever I showed any emotion just to express it. He would just jump and get angry and say he would just tell his kids that he is not going on the trip then. Then it was like it made me look bad? Was this a mind game?

 

Blackmail, that's what that is. The way I see it he needs you and may love you in warped way. My advice is to end the A when he gets back. Whatever you've had, whatever it was - end it. When you do, give him terms for both of you to have a proper R. What are your terms? To figure those out you have to decide what you want first. So...what do you want?

[MissBee]

Long story short..I've been involved with this MM 4 long years. The progress he moved out with a family member 2 yrs ago. Still M. No talk of DDay. Yet his M is pretty much severed it seems. I've read the emails and texts they can't stand each other but they have two lovely children. So despite the mess they do things for the children. Well he has been on trips with them before the last one 2 years ago and he freaked out and came home early because he claimed he missed me. However, he had the grand opportunity lately

To take them to somewhere.."magical" for a week a first for everyone. He checked with me first. Which yea I'm torn. I hate this. I always put kids

first but why go on a trip with the W too...well he left..gone for a few days. After I blew up..I'm just hurt because here I'm thinking if someone is suppose to be deciding to spend their life with me. Why are we planning family trips..without me??? Please I don't need the rude comments. I know I'm naive for falling into this. I'd like to get out trust me. I'd have to jump state. I'm just so confused..hurt..and can't stop thinking of what could be going on. Ugh!

 

I'm confused.

 

Does his wife know about you? Is he legally separated and getting a divorce?

 

If not, then why would he plan a family trip with you and his kids?

 

He needs to get divorced first, or at least let his wife know he is seeing you, before you can reasonably expect him to "plan a life with you."

 

Also, in terms of family trips, you have to expect that you are his gf, not their stepmom yet, so you aren't required to be on trips with his children. You guys are not a family. His W is the kids' mother, so if they can get along for the kids sake, then nothing is wrong with the two parents taking the kids on an outing. I think it is super healthy versus bickering and fighting or the parents not standing to be around each other. If you are jealous of his wife, then you guys have to resolve that, and first step would obviously be her not being his wife anymore, which he needs to resolve. Even after divorce, you have to realize that most likely there will be a period of adjustment before the kids accept you or want to be around you and it's not gonna just be divorce and all of a sudden instead of their mom, you're the one who is going on trips with them. Focus on your relationship with him and him doing what he needs to do and eventually when he is divorced and actually planning a life with you, the kids will be added. But for now, you guys aren't a family and esp if his wife doesn't know about you, it is unrealistic to expect to be included.

 

Btw...I only read your post so sorry if you answered some of these questions already.

[veryhappy]

You need to stop being the loving, understanding, patient OW. That's all you are right now - the other woman, and we all know how that ends in most cases.

 

Look at the facts. You've been involved for 4 years, and he's been out of the house for 2. Even difficult divorces get somewhere in 2 years in most places. Where is he? Oh, playing family on vacation wih his wife. Not going out together on a Saturday to some local event, but on some faraway long enough vacation that it's fair to assume his penis will find his way to her vagina for old times sakes, if not for hopes of repairing what they had.

 

Does it sound promising to you? No, it doesn't. I think you should put your foot down, if he won't spare you the energy by coming back with some sob story of how he feels he needs to go back and give them another chance.

 

He's married to her. He's on vacation with her. I think it's time you do something about it, or it will only get worse and worse for you.

[Back2WhatUKnow]

LadyGrey-Thank you for the kind words. Have I had enough yes? For a while I just kind of felt jaded but it's like this vacation brought me back to reality of what am I doing.

 

Spice4life-No your rant was quite helpful!

 

Whichwayisup- You are right and no way am I saying the kids should not come first. I completely agree that they should. In fact I always made it a point that they should but he just goes at this all wrong. I've been reading many people's stories on this sites for years. Like I have said I've been involved with him for 4 years. I found this site about 3 years ago and just never could step up to join. I knew I needed support to move on. So I need to face my own story. Thank you though. I'm really thinking though and trust me losing sleep about it because it just bugs me that I fell for this stuff.

 

LFH- Did you call it quits? Sickening thing..I tried to be positive about it like helped picked out his clothes. I even helped him lose weight and looked better only to ship him off to his W..hahaha..WOW!

 

Summer Breeze- Well it's not his X..it's his actual W...Even though he's out of the house for 2 years..it's been 4 years since this mess has been made..he's made no motion besides like a twice a year breakdown where he thinks he wants to work it out but then when I tell him to leave me alone he comes running to my door. IT's exhausting.

 

Finding Nemo- I came to terms that is what I plan on doing. I have gone through so many emotions since he left..Sadness..angry..sending him very angry emails..to blocking him to unblocking him...to then just being quiet..because he's having his vacation..he's not even said anything to me in a couple days besides going mad when he found out I blocked him once he left. I just have nightmares of what I have a feeling of the worse that is going on there without me..I just need to get it over with..and move on really. I think this really did it in for me..

 

Cutedragon- Like I said to findingnemo Thanks really. You are right..I have not a clue as I sit here alone dealing with my own emotions..wondering what he is up too. This really did me in like the final nail for me he's never gone this far and there's nothing I can say but goodbye to that. So I make a plan..I make a plan and stick to it and keep my cool and thanks for showing a true story.

 

Pierre- I have no idea...he hasn't even filed for separation..I'am straight up naïve on this...

 

So now I just need to stop sending hateful messages to him because it's not going to fix anything. I just so badly want to show him that I'm hurt at what he's doing and knowing that I can't trust him. But what is that going to prove..I need to just ditch the number and leave the phone alone..take a breather...and keep busy eh?? Thanks guys..

[Back2WhatUKnow]

MissBee- W does know about me. I'm not brought up though they live separate lives though. No they are not legally separated he just moved out they are still M. So this was the problem with the whole trip thing. MissBee I'm not a selfish person when it comes to children. I always put his children first. However, he planned a trip with this W that he claims to no longer wanting to be married too and yet wanted to take the kids on a trip and with her. Meanwhile...he's with me. I never claimed to be anything to those children. I'd like to be someday but this is not the story. But you have to realize the story you portrayed is where I would like to be in the future but that is not where it's at..it's an A...point blank...He's still M...I'm the OW..He can't make up his mind to be with me or not and the only move he's made was moved out of the house. I know this a forum of those who are the OW..so yes it's not the case where everything is past the point of me not being a secret.

Edited May 28, 2013 by Back2WhatUKnow
Misspell

[whichwayisup]

Then walk away for a while and focus on your own life. His is a mess and who knows if there's more going on than what he's telling you. Him going on holidays with his wife and kids isn't something a true 'separated' couple does. He's on the fence and isn't being completely honest with you.

[Athens]

My advice remains the same for OW and BS...you deal with what you allow. I understand its painful, but really if this relationship is making you feel this bad and no end is in sight for the current circumstances, get out.

[veryhappy]

Key information. He's been breaking down twice a year wanting to go back to the wife. Then he doesn't want to lose you and stays with you, but he won't divorce her. That is the dynamic of an affair. He wants both and will keep both as long as he's allowed to do it.

 

I assume you want your own life, and maybe kids one day. This guy is nowhere near being able to offer anything to you, simply because he's mentally still committed to his current wife and family. I know it hurts, but it doesn't mean that you are not valuable and that a normal, available guy wouldn't treat you and offer what you would like. It just means that this guy in particular is a waste of time for you as his mental and emotional resources are elsewhere. Get out before you waste 2,4, 10 more years. How much time can you afford to waste?

Edited May 28, 2013 by cutedragon

[findingnemo]

Finding Nemo- I came to terms that is what I plan on doing. I have gone through so many emotions since he left..Sadness..angry..sending him very angry emails..to blocking him to unblocking him...to then just being quiet..because he's having his vacation..he's not even said anything to me in a couple days besides going mad when he found out I blocked him once he left. I just have nightmares of what I have a feeling of the worse that is going on there without me..I just need to get it over with..and move on really. I think this really did it in for me..

 

I don't know. It seems like you're really angry and emotional right now and have decided to leave him WITHOUT a real plan. IME, we humans break up after our SOs have done something bad/terrible/unforgivable and get back together again a few days/weeks/months later. I think it is because we don't have a plan outlining the terms under which we will R. Instead the dumped one comes back crying, begging, making big promises and because we really do love them, we cave in.

 

Let's suppose there are two scenarios. One is you end the A and never see or hear from him again. The other is you end the A and lay down some ground rules for your R. In order to ensure you have one or the other you need to imagine what you would want him to do for you to be comfortable. If you simply decide, today while he is away, that it's over, I'm afraid he will come back and his beautiful, irresistible nature plus reasonable explanations will sweep you off your feet and back into your torn world.

 

He left. He moved out. Perhaps he is stuck. Maybe he is procrastinating about getting a D because it is one heck of a roller coaster. Women, we always underestimate how difficult the D process is for men. He may be afraid of the fights, the financial implications, the finality of custody arrangements, payments, alimony....everything. So perhaps he is just coasting and hoping that time sorts things out. As for going on vacation with his W, well what can I say? It was bound to happen. Two years separated and not D? The kids alone can pile enough pressure on parents to set aside their differences and travel somewhere. Especially if their separation was amicable and the BW is ambivalent about it. In two years, the pressure can become irresistible.

 

Until he comes back, don't make too many assumptions. Instead make a list of rules and things you want so that when he returns you can discuss them and ask him to commit to them. Start with "Do you still love me and only me?" And go on from there. If he says he can't, it will be over and you will know it deep in your heart. If he says he can, then you will have started a whole new R. As far as I can see, in the last two years, you and MM haven't really done much in the way of progressing your R. Be proactive. Take the bull by the horns and end this A once and for all. Don't, in an emotional fit, set yourself up for failure.

 

And stop sending him mail, texts, calling, anything. No communication until he is back and he calls you first. Then sit him down. You can do it.

[Back2WhatUKnow]

Findingnemo- Aw I wish I could give you a hug right now because if you could have described me just from short knowing me then you nailed it right there. Yes, I'm just so confused...I mean... Here we were in this A...and..of course it was one of those friendships..that turned into this...We both weren't expecting it. Well we were head over heels for a couple years at the beginning and still feel that way. However, I feel that the more I wait the more I tone him out. At one point he use to stay over all the time. He doesn't anymore work schedules are different but still it's all different. Now..I don't care when he comes and goes and he's worked out days when he gets his children with her and those days I don't see him at all. I'm fine with it. It got to the point I got tired of pushing the final DDAY..because it blew in my face. The excuses...Now i'm getting older..I don't know if I want kids but he's way older then me and eh..it's just not looking to well as this is going on. It just shocked me with the vacation because him and the W do separate everything now..Holidays, Birthdays..and no vacations for 2 years.....then out of the blue....OH a MAGICAL place I never been too and it's with my KIDS and her...It'll be okay you TRUST me right?....It's like I got hit my teeth...I had to swallow it because telling him I'm kinda not okay..he held it against me..so him being gone now...Yes I blew up...so I'm avoiding the phone after making a fool to myself...Heck I probably pushed him more to her after going off like that...Oh well....Nothing I can do.. Sit down ...Wait...Make a plan..See what he really has to say....Thanks..

[findingnemo]

Yes, Back. Sit down and make a plan. Remember that he is also stressed about your R and how things are going. Be prepared though to let him go if he isn't willing to commit. Make it clear that you are done unless....

 

Good luck!!