what is your benefit to this board? where are you at the moment?

[Lillyfree]

i've decided to start a new thread, as we were getting a bit far from the OP in the thread posted by @greyhoundtonowhere, and i hate to t/j

 

 

some experiences i could have done without. it's been a really awful couple of years... and pretty ordinary few before that.

 

but i've used what happened to better myself. i've learnt a lot, about myself, about marriage, i believe i've matured emotionally and grown as a person. i hope i continue to do so. i will not mourn life and i will never be a victim of my or anyone else's decisions...

 

what i write here isn't for anyone's benefit. they are my honest opinions and feelings, and i understand that not everyone will appreciate them or agree, and that's fine with me.

 

but lillyfree, a-LOT of your comments/responses ARE Beneficial! And Not just to one specific party*

I too have found that by being able to participate on LS to discuss, persuade, vent... it's helped me heal as well as grow from posters like you and Many others*

 

I wish you had never experienced the pain that you have. I also think because you Have gone through such anguish, you have helped waaaay more people than you'll ever know.

[Lillyfree]

when i said 'not for anyone's benefit' i meant not a particular group - i don't intentionally 'take sides'. however i am very aware that mine might not be a popular view, especially with a few particular posters.

 

i do hope what i say has some sort of an impact, and helps - even if it's just one person.

when i joined i was completely lost. i was a mess. and this board and lovely people here have helped immensely. so i hope i can return that somehow; and also, reading and interacting keeps me in check.

 

i'm not out of the woods yet. the pain's still there, the problems are still there.... but at least i am aware of them.

what's happened has made me very anti-affair. i apologise if i sometimes seem harsh in my responses, but it's never meant with malice.

my eyes have been opened, and i've learnt to be a lot more tolerant of other people's struggles. and we all struggle in some way.

[Its_MEE]

Well... Today is exactly one month after DDAY. My wounds are fresh fresh with a bit of lime spicing them up..

Tiny backstory.

1yr A.

I'm single

MM 12yrs married

He "loves" me.

Dropped me as soon as DDAY came...

 

When I came to LS I was sick... Physically, emotionally, mentally... Still am... Everyone here has been amazing... I haven't contributed much to other threads as I don't feel string enough yet to dish advise to anyone.. I've tried LC (can't do NC as we work together) but I have failed at every attempt... Either he will pursue or I caved... I feel like the boy who cried wolf at this point.. My word means nothing... BS called me once after DDAY to demand I no longer contact her H... The next day... He bring me breakfast to work.. He won't stop and I've been weak.. I've been advised to report him to HR (I won't) but I have decided to tell him that if he does not stop I WILL forward every message between us to his W... The first attempt at NC I posted on here and everyone sai I was just playing a game.. I denied it, but I now know it was true.. I jut wante I see if he would chase (which he did). But now.. I'm done. No joke. No games.

 

He's tried it all to reel me back in..

Him:

"I've never been so confused"

"I know you know I love you"

"You're my best friend"

"I don't know what to do"

When he found out I tried to go on a date..

"I shouldn't be jealous but I am. She went on a date w/someone and I felt nothing"

"I have no right to ask you to wait for me but..."

"I don't want 20 years to pass and regret this decision"

"Try to put yourself in my shoes"

On and on and on....

 

I honestly don't know what my next move is.. I've repeated to mysel a million times that I am DONE. But honestly... I'm so scared of going back to work. We haven't spoken since Friday. He won't be in tomorrow. So it'll have been 4 days NC. I feel ok right now. I mean, ok I the sense tht I'm not crying, but I'm ok. What if I cave again? I've started to feel hate. Something I think will help me through this. I've pleaded and pleaded with any and all higher powers to just let me feel indifference. I want to look at him and feel. NOTHING. He's not leaving home. I got it. I get it. But do I really get it? This disgusting feeling of hope pops in and out like diarrhea(lol). How do I get that feeling out...?! Hope comes.. Then comes "shut up C don't be stupid".

Rant..... Ah sorry...

I would've never gotten this shred of "I will make it" if it wasn't for LS and you WONDERFUL people. Although you're all battling your own demons, you manage to throw some pretty awesome wisdom out there. I am only 26 and a baby to this adulterous world. I was silly enough to think that he would drop his M and just ride off in the sunset with me. Negative.<3

[SunsetRed]

My xMM and I are done. I come to this board so I wont reach out to him or respond to any reach outs from him. Ive not had a real relationship since him (I guess he wasn't a real relationship either) but have had plenty of go no where dates and it is tempting to get some validation from him, but I know it will never lead to anything healthy so I stay on this board to keep strong.

[Lillyfree]

i guess i should answer my own question to start with...

 

i'm 6 months out - a bit over (it's good when you don't realise what the exact duration of NC is, huh )

 

my H and i are on a good way to full reconciliation. things between us seem to be better than they have been in years...

as horrible as it may sound, what's happened over the last year has been the shake-up that we must have needed. it's awakened us both to what we could potentially lose. it was that explosion after years of complacency and distancing from each other that seems to have brought us closer together again.

 

as for me personally, i've realised what i wanted from a relationship. i've also realised that strength ISN'T burying your pain and dissatisfaction and putting on a face... strength is speaking out, being able to open yourself up and let yourself be vulnerable in front of others.

 

i miss OM sometimes. i'll be honest. not in a romantic sense, just as a person who was a part of my life at one stage. i'm at a point now where i can remember certain things and not feel hurt, actually sometimes it brings a smile to my face...

i'm no longer angry with him... i've realised that he was broken, just as i was. that he was looking for a connection while being in a R where that connection stopped existing...yes, he used me, but i used him too. it's just that it all meant a lot more to me than it did to him. i can't even put into words how grateful i am for that - if he were serious about what he said to me who knows what sort of mess i would have on my hands at the moment.

 

so i bear no grudge, and i wish him well. i hope that he finds what he's looking for, and i hope he's happy... and i do believe that once he's with the right person, someone he really cares about, he'll be a decent human being and not need to cheat. i hope that he's kind enough to his gf to either let her go or completely commit to her.

[sweet_pea]

I came here years ago and have lurked a lot. I have a lot of reasons for reading here, none of them are me looking for guidance in my own life. I like to make my own decisions and own them and I'm not easily influenced anyway because I know that people who are not in my situation cannot really give me solid "advice". I'm not big on advice anyway come to think of it - it is usually just judgment thinly veiled in an attempt to appear sincerely interested and helpful. I'm just interested in people and how they think and what they feel. And because I've had the experience of being the BW and the OW it causes me to have interest in this particular subject. I like to find patterns of behaviors and this board abounds with them, and that is interesting to me.

 

As of now, I am 2 years out of the affair, and about one year with exMM as my boyfriend. I seek out experiences and information and this board serves that purpose when I have time to kill. And it creates a base for some really good discussions with my boyfriend about us and our relationship and our experiences. Which is always good because bonding is something he and I both missed out on in our marriages and we cherish it with one another.

 

Sorry, first, welcome back. Second, In the other thread, you said you were 11 years into the relationship....?

[Lillyfree]

I came here years ago and have lurked a lot. I have a lot of reasons for reading here, none of them are me looking for guidance in my own life. I like to make my own decisions and own them and I'm not easily influenced anyway because I know that people who are not in my situation cannot really give me solid "advice". I'm not big on advice anyway come to think of it - it is usually just judgment thinly veiled in an attempt to appear sincerely interested and helpful. I'm just interested in people and how they think and what they feel. And because I've had the experience of being the BW and the OW it causes me to have interest in this particular subject. I like to find patterns of behaviors and this board abounds with them, and that is interesting to me.

 

As of now, I am 2 years out of the affair, and about one year with exMM as my boyfriend. I seek out experiences and information and this board serves that purpose when I have time to kill. And it creates a base for some really good discussions with my boyfriend about us and our relationship and our experiences. Which is always good because bonding is something he and I both missed out on in our marriages and we cherish it with one another.

 

re: bolded... i'm sure some would do so, but why bother on an anonymous board? that's something i just don't get. maybe i'm not a complete misanthrope, as i do believe that there are people in this world that get some satisfaction just out of helping others

 

and it's not so much advice, as becoming aware of your situation through reading about others'. of course everyone's life is different, and although there might be similarities it would be foolish to replicate someone else's...

however reading, then applying it to your situation in order to help you process and make decisions is what is really helpful here.

[Lillyfree]

I'm almost 3 years out. In many ways I'm really great but I bear the scars and I'm not sure I will ever be relationship ready again. The fallout has helped me to look deep within myself, (took much too long to come to that point). I have received much support and much wisdom and much kindness here, from BS's and other OW's and fow's and other posters who don't wear a hat. I hang out, because I'm still learning things and still have those ahhh haaa moments, and I do try to pay if forward. I have made some friends here, for which I'm very grateful. I'm a advocate for women, and I want for us not to settle, or to be someone's second best or an option. It takes a piece of your soul to accept that secondary position. We should all want better for ourselves and others.

 

Being here has allowed me to talk about my family of origin issues, my father was a serial cheater and molested me at age 14, and then I was molested by a older married man starting at age 14 till 17.

 

I couldn't care less about xmm, but there is some residual anger at him. I'm working on it, and maybe it's time to start seriously considering some forgiveness for my own peace of mind. Then I can truly be free of it all. My story is in many posts, unusual in ways but in other ways the same as many others. The POS lied about being separated, not once but twice.

 

Affairs are more often than not, disempowering and disrespectful to all women. They hurt many people, the ow herself, the bs and the children. The baggage is ugly and long lasting for all involved. Many ow like myself have issues, foo issues, past abuse, or low self esteem and/or a misguided sense of what love really is. Then again, some ow's say they have no issues. There are always those are incredibly selfish and narcissistic, as in society. It takes all kinds, I suppose.

 

Sometimes I learn here, sometimes I hope I have helped someone, sometimes I have to just laugh. Depends on the day.

 

i know your story LG.... and i admire you so much, as someone who has been through so much you are such a wonderful and strong person. i guess it's the case of whatever doesn't kill you, huh

 

bolded bits are something i was not eloquent enough to say. but you have put it perfectly. thank you.

[LYC]

I am over a year in an A as the OW. I came here at a very stressful point to seek advice but after reading a few threads felt my story would get me slaughtered. Instead I stay and lurk because reading other people's stories helps keep me grounded. I tend to overthink things when we are going through bad times.

[findingnemo]

I'm 8+ years out of the A. I first came here for advice on how to break the awful pattern of wanting xMM back and not wanting him all these years later. I thought I was the only person in the world with my problem. Figured something must be really wrong with me. I've learned a lot of things here and I now view this part of my life more realistically.

 

I stay because I struggle still understanding why this happened and how I can get over it emotionally. I enjoy being able to help people by giving them advice and by showing them that there are others who understand their pain, dilemma, situation, etc.

[Summer Breeze]

I was a BS in my 20s and an OW in my 40s. I came here a year or so after I ended the A. I wasn't really looking for anything but I found a treasure chest full of information and people who have been there/done that.

 

Recently dMM got a D and we've moved into an exclusive R. I'm very happy but know that happily ever afters don't happen without a ton of work and time.

 

I hope I offer solid advice to people already headed into the A. Don't lose yourself and don't lose your power. I don't believe in being belligerent because it turns people away. I don't believe in telling them not to do something because most times when they're here they've already made up their minds and are already going to go into the A. I love the fact there are so many wise and kind people who come here to share and help.

[cocorico]

I was an OW, and it worked well for me. Then we chose to be together, and we are now M. Although the A was many years ago, and we have been a happy, "normal" M couple for far longer than we were an A couple, I don't see our A as pre-history, since our R has continued unbroken, unchanged in any fundamental way - only the label others attach to it has changed. I am not a leopard who changes their spots and so I don't denounce As simply because I am now M, and thus in theory vulnerable to being on the receiving end.

 

I am here to provide a bit of balance - to look at each situation individually, the good and the bad, rather than simply shouting that all As are bad, that everyone gets hurt in an A, and that kids always suffer as a result. My own story shows the naive falsity of such claims. I argue that no one - OW or OM, BS or WS - should ever settle for less than they need in a R. That is neither healthy nor sustainable. If a R is not working for you, not providing you with what you need *now*, then you should seriously review why you are there.

 

Everyone deserves empowerment, women as well as men, and everyone deserves to feel good about the,selves. I am really saddened when I see people who can only feel good about themselves when they feel bad about themselves.

[Got it]

I am a few years out of the divorce and a few more years out of the affair and dMM and I are married.

 

I hope I add value because I can share my experiences. I too agree that women shouldn't settle and make sure you are your own best advocate in whatever relationship. I hope to offer support, insight, and encouragement and I want to give back to others as I passionately remember the affair days. I have also gone through a dday so hope to add thoughts and insight on that experience as well.

 

And I hope to pay forward some of the amazing support and encouragement I have received from some lovely ladies online and IRL.

[sybo24]

When ever I feel the need to ask exMM a question or text him or ring him I come on here and read comments posted.

 

It gives me the strength to carry on without him and know that I am not alone in my feelings for him.

 

It gives me time to rethink making contact and this helps me a great deal.

 

I am having a **** time trying to adjust to the end of my A but I know that in time things will be better and I will be better off without him.

 

I will be someones first fiddle instead of someones second fiddle :laugh:

[MissBee]

I think it's explicit from my posts that I don't think that As are simply an alternative relationship and that I do think, for the most , that they're a bad idea.

 

I do however, understand how and why people get there and I've lived it myself ,both being an OW and also secondhand by having a serial cheater for a dad and knowing how that has shaped and affected my adult relationships.

 

I didn't come here while in the A. While in the A, I knew the A itself was wrong, but didn't really think about any lessons or my own issues while I was in it. It was much later after having some other Rs, that I started to see a pattern developing where most men I dated were unavailable: emotionally, distance, or literally because they are in another relationship. That was when I was hit with a brick that the A wasn't some random thing, but a part of the pattern. I don't remember how I came back on LS, but I know I went to the Breaks and Breaking Up section, which was what had led me here when I was here before...I had never noticed the OW/OM section before, but for some reason, this time I did. I clicked on a couple threads and it was like wow...some of how I am feeling and thinking and the massive issues of dealing with unavailable people are in all these posts. So that's how I started posting here. It's been very helpful for me, and hopefully helpful for others.

 

I know my posts won't resonate with everyone. I imagine myself mostly speaking to women similar to me. Who may be in an A who aren't actually comfortable with it, who don't actually think it's just another kind of relationship, who are trying to change the situation or are fed up. I'm also probably going to resonate with former OW who are working through the whys and trying to move forward from there. Then anyone else in between.

[georgia girl]

I'm here as simply a wife. Stating that it sounds like I don't have a lot to do with my time and really, I do and probably should be spending more time doing it.

 

I'm drawn to the board as I'm starting to discover because I was a child with a parent who had an affair. I am also somewhat of a feminist and I work in a job where I see people make one bad decision and that decision typically has extensive and damaging consequences for them. I have tough conversations nearly everyday where I explain to someone that an apology isn't going to work and that they'll have to leave with the fallout. It's tough

when you see lives truly get obliterated by one bad choice.

 

So, I'm here to try and give back. Perhaps it is thinly veiled criticism and that would be unhealthy. But I hope I give a message of strength and self-love. I really want to encourage women particularly but all those who are hurting by being in a relationship where they are not the selected partner to have the strength to ask for what they want and the courage to walk away if they don't get it. And I want to affirm for them that if they have to walk away, there is a happier, brighter future out there for them.

 

I am anti-affair - for all of the parties involved. For the marriage partners, it is a violation of something so intrinsic and interwoven into marriage that it is truly devastating for the betrayed spouse. For the wandering spouse, it also appears devastating in that typically they became a man that they never wanted to be. And I'm anti-affair for the OW. No one should ever settle for not being chosen first. I see so many women hurting on here because the person they've committed to hasn't committed in the same manner back to them.

 

That's just me. I genuinely hope I'm not judgmental. I really am rooting for everyone (except perhaps the MM. He gets my goat.)

[Goodbye]

The benefit of this board is that I have somewhere to talk about my life and recovery after participating in an emotional relationship with a married man. As I've often posted, an affair is a lonely place. The aftermath is even more lonely; not only are there not lines of people wanting to console you, the person you've spent all this "secret" time with is gone. So, I come here to feel less isolated in my pain and to get advice from people who have been through this.

 

Where am I now? I'm a couple months post-break up after a year long relationship with MM. I am doing better, as in I'm not crying all the time and obsessively checking my email. I am still VERY preoccupied with him. I AM able to see the benefits of being out of the relationship. I go back in forth from missing him greatly to hating him with a passion. I am starting to wonder if I need to not only take a break from him, but from thinking about him...as in maybe I should take a break from reading and posting here, as I wonder if it does keep it all on the forefront of my mind.

[Lillyfree]

thank you all for your replies.

 

what i've noticed is that majority of people here, regardless of whether in an affair, out of it or where the A has turned into a R/M, are strong people who haven't lost a sense of self. those who come here in pain, but willing to change their situation for the better, are those who i can sympathise the most.

 

going back to lady gray's wonderful post - it is saddening to see some women (and men, for that matter) being subservient and desperately clinging to a toxic affair to their own detriment. those... i wish i could grab them by the shoulders and shake some sense into them!

 

it's just not worth it. love shouldn't hurt, it shouldn't change who you are.

[tinker683]

Right now I would say I'm a lot better off than I was when I first broke up with ex-Engaged Woman back In January but I know I have a long ways to go. I have good days and bad days. On good days I'm mostly OK, only occasionally thinking about her, sometimes barely at all, and I'm able to go about my life without any real emotional turmoil. If I do think about her, I am able to think about our relationship clearly and kindly. I can see all the fractures but I can feel somewhat at peace, telling myself that I hope she is happy, but this really is for the best (and I do feel that: As much as I loved her as much as she may or may not have loved me, the relationship was toxic and needed to end)

 

On my bad days I oscillate between anger and pain. I get angry at her because I feel rejected, replaced, and lied too. I wonder how much of what she said to me was real and how much of it was fake. I wonder why it is she can take precious moments and what it is we had and just toss it aside like it meant nothing when it meant everything to me. I just feel like it's cosmically unfair that I'm left this broken, bleeding heap and she's moving forward in her life almost effortlessly. Is she truly that much stronger than me? Has she truly grown past the issues that tore us apart? Why are things working between the guy she left me for and why couldn't they work for us? I wanted everything to work out, I was ready and willing to put in whatever amount of effort to make it work but she just flat gave up and I wonder why I wasn't good enough for her. My anger then drives me forward, pushing me to the gym and the dance classes and my martial arts classes because I want to become someone so awesome and put together that she'll look back and think, "Why did I leave him again? He's on his own, he's in a shape, he's a great dancer, he loves the things that I love, and he wants a family with me, why didn't I try harder to make this happen!?!?"....

 

...which then cycles me into pain. I feel worthless, dejected, useless, and unwanted. I feel like the butt of a punchline, a sad pathetic heap of a man so crippled and desolated by his emotions that he is no longer seen as someone respectable but as "that guy" that everyone at a dance club feels sorry for and offers greetings and solidarity not because they genuinely respect me but because they feel sorry for me. My anger turns inward and I feel like a chained animal who is being poked repeatedly with a cattle prod: I'm going insane from the pain and want so desperately to escape, to break these chains and lash out at everything keeping me down....

 

...which then cycles back to my anger.

 

These moods keep cycling back and forth until eventually I just get worn out and tired and like a machine working on overdrive for too long I just break down and fall apart. Fortunately I'm usually home alone when this happens and I just kind of go numb and then eventually go to bed and repeat the whole process tomorrow.

 

As painful and as wretched as this whole experience has been and continues to be, I continue to learn and live and grow. If the above sounds bad then consider that for a couple of months after my breakup I had almost broken down completely and was doing not much of anything.

 

I've learned a great deal about myself too. I've learned about my self esteem issues and how little I set boundaries and how little I held to my values, how much I was looking to to people please so much that I'd end up loosing myself in a friendship and/or romantic relationship. The more I learn about myself, the more I see just how doomed my relationship was from the get-go and how I shouldn't so be hard on myself as there was truly little I could have done to stop from happening what happened.

 

Objectively speaking, while she is with a new guy, I know she has her own issues she needs to deal with and I strongly suspect are going to rear their respective heads during her new relationship. She overlapped me for another guy and I strongly suspect that I was mostly an emotional airbag for her during the affair so I don't think she's actually dealt with her trust and commitment issues. She's been in one bad relationship after another for the past 10 years and she seems to be the type that can't be alone, that always has to have someone in her life even if she is utterly incapable of fully giving herself into a relationship. She also recently ended her relationship with her exFiance and they were together for 8 years and I know you don't walk away from something like that calmly or peacefully, especially when the fiancé was controlling, abusive, and manipulative. I hope her new guy is willing to stick with her and wade through the swamp of anguish she's found herself in. She truly deserves to have someone be there for her, since I wasn't strong enough to do it.

 

Sorry that was kind of lengthy.

 

As for my contribution...my biggest hope is to be a voice for a OM on this forum as it's dominated by OW who rail against men (not unjustifiably) and all of our weak an stupid ways. My hope is to show that men do have feelings, that we are capable of being truly loving and committed and that our pain can rival the pain you ladies have felt and continued to feel everyday. I also hope to add perspective for any woman curious about a man's position, whatever that may be worth to some of you ladies.

 

I also hope to especially add the perspective of the OM: What we feel, what we want, what we deal with and how we may go about doing that.

[skylarblue]

I wouldn't say I have or come to this board for/because of benefits. I stumbled across it, and other than on a couple occasion, only reply to threads (I'd say I post regularly but not frequently). That doesn't mean I haven't found LS beneficial however.

 

I was very happy when I came to LS. My A and outlook was quite different than the far majority of posters. I was in a PA only and my primary attraction was his M. I enjoyed being with a MM who was cheating on his W (at least those that fit the specifics that I had). Although I got a sense of joy/accomplishment/self-worth from reading the pain/experience of BWs in the beginning (sick), I always responded honestly and from my experience (never with malice or entertainment motive to inflame). As my warped views about BSs and As begin to change (which only came about after an experience that allowed me to develop sympathy for W), reading the stories of and interacting in real-time with BSs and what they went/were going through had a whole different affect. I felt for these women (some really in particular) and seeing what I was being a part of and doing to someone who may be as decent and undeserving of being cheated on as I perceive some of the posters to be, is something that still brings me an unexplainable mixture of emotions.

 

I truly believe I wouldn't have any remorse if it wasn't for some of the BSs on LS. I truly believe I would have re-entered the A or slept with someone's H if it wasn't for BSs on LS. When I entertain the thought of hooking up with xMM (or MM in general) my first thought is "do I want to do that to myself" as I think of all I went through and felt. My second thought is "do I want to do that to his W" as I think of all of the hurt/devastation that I've read on this board. Sometimes, I feel like I can work through the first question, but I have yet to find justification to work through the second. And honestly not being able to get around the second question helps to keep me grounded in the first.

 

It's funny how it was the thought of hurting the BW that fueled the A for me. Now it's the thought of the BW hurting that keeps me from it. All due to LS (I don't think other boards I've seen would have had that affect). I am grateful that I found this site and appreciative to those whose manner has allowed me to gain something positive from it.

[Clemenza]

As for my contribution...my biggest hope is to be a voice for a OM on this forum as it's dominated by OW who rail against men (not unjustifiably) and all of our weak an stupid ways. My hope is to show that men do have feelings, that we are capable of being truly loving and committed and that our pain can rival the pain you ladies have felt and continued to feel everyday. I also hope to add perspective for any woman curious about a man's position, whatever that may be worth to some of you ladies.

 

I also hope to especially add the perspective of the OM: What we feel, what we want, what we deal with and how we may go about doing that.

 

Indeed. I think there might be a stereotype that the OM in these situations are all just predators who are only out for sex. Many of us do fall in love, develop deep connections, and (as is the case with me) were courted by the MW for what seemed like a while before "giving in."

 

The OM most certainly CAN get heartbroken in these relationships. I know most of this board is OW/MM dynamics, but it's nice to read about the experiences of some other OM.

[missy268]

I came here looking for support nearly 2 years ago after me and a younger co worker started an affair. He was the attached one, i was the single one. He told me he was going to leave her, and start a life with me. I wanted to believe him so much, and part of me did for a little while. He split up with her eventually but 2 months later went back to her. I had just miscarried too and he showed his true colours when i told him i was pregnant as he didn't want me to have it, but when i miscarriaged he was of massive support and that made me love him even more even though it could of been because he was getting what he wanted...not sure..

 

i didn't hear from him again until he split up from her at Christmas. We worked together at the time and it was getting difficult again , he kept telling me things with me are so different and it feels right, he kept touching me on the shoulder, on the side, anywhere, and then at works christmas party when he left he hugged me but didn't hug anybody else and the next morning, he was on my doorstep and he kissed me - I didn't let on i knew about the girlfriend as to be honest, i loved him so much - and to have him back in my life, no matter how much i was in denial to my friends, i wanted him there and felt so happy he was back even though he started treated me really really badly again....He did tell one of our mutual friends that he did think the world of me and i know that, and my friend told me she had a right go at him about how he is treating me.

 

Now....we stopped working together in March...I have not seen him since he last came over on March 29th, and we haven't spoken for well over a month. The stupid idiot i am, i'm missing him. The guy is no good for me, he was breaking sexual boundaries so to speak - always trying a certain way that he knows hurts me....and that bothers me - also the fact that he was telling everybody else what he was up to in his life, except me, he wouldn't take me out, even though he is now genuinely single too....he wouldn't admit me and him were spending time together so what am i supposed to do? I think NC is the only way forward to be honest, even though i am tempted to contact him and i don't know why. Nothing to do with my self esteem, i am not an unconfident person and i know i can do a whole lot better and i have come accross better guys, but i have screwed it up because of this guy. I just think i genuinely love him...I've never admitted it to him.

 

We are both still single (i have colleagues who are in touch with him) and i guess this board is of no use to me anymore, but it feels like a safe ground if you like as when we first started this he was in a serious relationship.

 

 

xx

[goneundone]

I used this thread at first because I had no one else to confide in and express my pain. It helped a lot. It got me through 2 weeks of NC until he called and told me that he was "really" getting a divorce this time and he needed to see me. He came and saw me, we were in love all over again, spent the night and both promised our love to each other and planned our future (again) together. He had to go home the next day (2 hours away) to help with his kids, so I drove to his town to spend another night together since it was a 3 day weekend. It started as planned: in love. But earlier that day he had felt the pain from his wife manipulating him with his kids, turning the children against him, making him feel like the kids wanted nothing to do with him. He felt this pain sharply for the first time. It was an emotional evening for both of us as i was expressig my worries and heartache. Later that night he grew increasingly worried about his children, he then expressed his second thoughts about getting a divorce. I was blown away that he was changing his mind again. We tossed and turned all night emotionally exhausted. The next morning, after I insisted he make his choice: go back or we work through this together, he gave me his sob story once again and told me that he had to go back to his wife and move on from me. At this point I was emotionally numb like a zombie. I went home, numb from his emotional roller coaster.. Then I grieved, I sobbed, I text him, we talked one last time on the phone and I sobbed to him.. sad, broken, and in disbelief at how he could turn his back on me after promising his love to me and asking me to promise mine to him.

 

It's been a very long week for me. Had to call in sick on Tuesday.

 

But you know what? F@ck him. He did me a favor. His (ex)wife would have made his life hell and he would have always felt like he chose me over his children and he would have always had some regret. This was the closure I needed no matter how painful.

 

I'm moving on. Yes I'm hurt, i dont know how to let another man touch me, i dont know how to give my heart to another man. but i have faith, and i'm a confident, successful woman that doesn't have a problem attracting men.

 

Now I don't spend much time on this site, even throughout this week. It helped me when I was unfamiliar with the affair process. Now it just seems to keep me focused on it. Thank you all who helped me through, and helped me understand. But my time is better spent elsewhere and not keeping the pain this jackass caused me fresh on my mind.

 

However, I got lost in our pictures lastnight. I looked at all 5 of them for at least 15 minutes. I touched his face. I miss the man I thought he was but he proved that he is very hurtful and cannot give me what I need and deserve.

 

This post was probably for another thread.. But oh well. Let it disappear and get lost within the other posts, as it should. Time to move on. I will have my moments, but I am strong. Failure is not standing back up after being knocked down, and failure is not an option I have, ever. Thank you all and good luck.

Edited June 1, 2013 by goneundone

[Praying4Peace]

I used this thread at first because I had no one else to confide in and express my pain. It helped a lot. It got me through 2 weeks of NC until he called and told me that he was "really" getting a divorce this time and he needed to see me. He came and saw me, we were in love all over again, spent the night and both promised our love to each other and planned our future (again) together. He had to go home the next day (2 hours away) to help with his kids, so I drove to his town to spend another night together since it was a 3 day weekend. It started as planned: in love. But earlier that day he had felt the pain from his wife manipulating him with his kids, turning the children against him, making him feel like the kids wanted nothing to do with him. He felt this pain sharply for the first time. It was an emotional evening for both of us as i was expressig my worries and heartache. Later that night he grew increasingly worried about his children, he then expressed his second thoughts about getting a divorce. I was blown away that he was changing his mind again. We tossed and turned all night emotionally exhausted. The next morning, after I insisted he make his choice: go back or we work through this together, he gave me his sob story once again and told me that he had to go back to his wife and move on from me. At this point I was emotionally numb like a zombie. I went home, numb from his emotional roller coaster.. Then I grieved, I sobbed, I text him, we talked one last time on the phone and I sobbed to him.. sad, broken, and in disbelief at how he could turn his back on me after promising his love to me and asking me to promise mine to him.

 

It's been a very long week for me. Had to call in sick on Tuesday.

 

But you know what? F@ck him. He did me a favor. His (ex)wife would have made his life hell and he would have always felt like he chose me over his children and he would have always had some regret. This was the closure I needed no matter how painful.

 

I'm moving on. Yes I'm hurt, i dont know how to let another man touch me, i dont know how to give my heart to another man. but i have faith, and i'm a confident, successful woman that doesn't have a problem attracting men.

 

Now I don't spend much time on this site, even throughout this week. It helped me when I was unfamiliar with the affair process. Now it just seems to keep me focused on it. Thank you all who helped me through, and helped me understand. But my time is better spent elsewhere and not keeping the pain this jackass caused me fresh on my mind.

 

However, I got lost in our pictures lastnight. I looked at all 5 of them for at least 15 minutes. I touched his face. I miss the man I thought he was but he proved that he is very hurtful and cannot give me what I need and deserve.

 

This post was probably for another thread.. But oh well. Let it disappear and get lost within the other posts, as it should. Time to move on. I will have my moments, but I am strong. Failure is not standing back up after being knocked down, and failure is not an option I have, ever. Thank you all and good luck.

 

Hi- I wanted to let you know that I read this and wish you so much love and peace in the future. MM made a real mess of everyone, including himself, in this situation. You can walk away and start over in a healthy relationship. He would have always been haunted by the ghost of whoever/whatever he left behind...he doesn't seem strong enough to deal with negative emotions. So let him be haunted by what he did to YOU. Trust me, it's better than having him with you and feeling guilty for what he did to his W and kids.

[Washingmachine1980]

This board has helped me accept the situation for what it was and accept the truth. I am still hurting. I work in his town now and saw him driving the other day. He did not see me. That was the first time I saw him in 2 years and it hurt like crazy. Wish I could get over all these feelings. Maybe the more time I spend working there, the more those feeling will fade.