Young Adult Dealing with Divorce

[Matmana]

Growing up, we look up to our parents as these superheroes that can do no wrong. Now, I am stuck in the middle of this messy divorce. I came here to ask any help on how to deal with it. I don't want to bother my mother, I just want to help her with all she is going through. Any advice?

[coaches24]

Growing up, we look up to our parents as these superheroes that can do no wrong. Now, I am stuck in the middle of this messy divorce. I came here to ask any help on how to deal with it. I don't want to bother my mother, I just want to help her with all she is going through. Any advice?

 

Not a lot of info to go by but it sounds like your a young adult (I assume that means you live on your own away from parents) and yours parents are getting divorced?

 

I guess the only thing you can really do is be there for them as they need you to be.

[Matmana]

I'm on my own but my mom seems to be struggling with everything going on around here. The divorce is hard and taking a toll on her. Do you think I should give her some space or try and be there as much as possible?

[coaches24]

I'm on my own but my mom seems to be struggling with everything going on around here. The divorce is hard and taking a toll on her. Do you think I should give her some space or try and be there as much as possible?

 

That kind of depends on your mom I would think. Without knowing details I think I would let my mom know I was there if she needed me and then let her decide how much your around from there. If you live close then by all means drop in often and check on her, or call her if you live farther but make those shorter visits unless she asks for more. Make sure she knows your there when she needs you and be around when possible unless she says or acts like your doing too much. I don't think I would try and get details from her unless she volunteered them. My guess is she would rather you be a way of getting her mind off the horribleness that is divorce.

[M30USA]

Don't forget about your dad, too. Men don't show it as much but research actually shows that men, long term, do worse after divorce than women.

[Simpleoldschool]

To be honest do you want them to divorce? if not, then get them toghether and tell them you want everyone to share their feelings and you will not tolerate arguments.

 

if not, then i cant couensel you there.

 

Second, obviously this is bothering you.

 

If your mother wants the divorce you can have her ear as the best reasons not to.

 

if your dad does, get his ear.

 

Tell them as parents you would like to see them stay toghether for why you did in your original post and then tell them you want them to still be your heros. tell them you beilieve they did some of the most amazing things toghether. Sometimes if you add in a point of view they dont have(about eachother right now), about how you saw them toghether expecially as a family member and how amazing they were when they were toghether and how much love they both showed you and that you know them as loving people mother and father and not like this, you can wind up saving the marriage. tell them you know them as better people. as parents, and as husband and wife. the people who do things better. Kid you dont need to do anything sensational you just need to level everything out.

 

Help them fall in love. talk to them about what the other person thinks they did as wrong. you have all the INFO that other people dont and wont.

 

you can truly save this marriage i beilieve.

Edited May 28, 2013 by Simpleoldschool

[Matmana]

Thanks for all the help I really appreciate it

[TaraMaiden]

To be honest do you want them to divorce? if not, then get them toghether and tell them you want everyone to share their feelings and you will not tolerate arguments.

 

if not, then i cant couensel you there.

 

Second, obviously this is bothering you.

 

If your mother wants the divorce you can have her ear as the best reasons not to.

 

if your dad does, get his ear.

 

Tell them as parents you would like to see them stay toghether for why you did in your original post and then tell them you want them to still be your heros. tell them you beilieve they did some of the most amazing things toghether. Sometimes if you add in a point of view they dont have(about eachother right now), about how you saw them toghether expecially as a family member and how amazing they were when they were toghether and how much love they both showed you and that you know them as loving people mother and father and not like this, you can wind up saving the marriage. tell them you know them as better people. as parents, and as husband and wife. the people who do things better. Kid you dont need to do anything sensational you just need to level everything out.

 

Help them fall in love. talk to them about what the other person thinks they did as wrong. you have all the INFO that other people dont and wont.

 

you can truly save this marriage i beilieve.

 

No, No, NO, NO, NO!!

 

It is not the son's duty, commitment or business to 'save the marriage'...!

 

What dreadful pressure to be put under!

This is nothing to do with him!

 

he is their child, not the superglue to bind them together!

He has no dealing with this - it's not his responsibility or job!

he is completely separate from this - he is their son - they are his father and mother and notwithstanding the divorce, this is the way it always should be!!

 

If he tries the above - and fails - the sadness will remain with him constantly!

The important is to be supportive, and to do his level best to not take sides.

 

He can care about his mother, but not FOR her.

He cannot step into his father's shoes and be 'the man of the house'...

Besides, he has problems of his own, and clearly, trying to be a mediator for his parents is absolutely the worst thing he could think of doing!!

He is in no fit emotional state to be asked to deal with this!

 

While the above seems to be valiant and heroic advice, I personally view it as misguided and wholly inappropriate.

 

When my ex- and I divorced after 26 years, we made an agreement that not only would we keep the children out of our divorce matters, but would speak with them on equal but neutral terms.

They observed their parents (him and me) going through divorce, but never felt compromised, used, pressured or obligated in any way to interfere, contribute or become enmeshed in our situation.

 

And that is EXACTLY as it should be!!

[ZenScribe]

Growing up, we look up to our parents as these superheroes that can do no wrong. Now, I am stuck in the middle of this messy divorce. I came here to ask any help on how to deal with it. I don't want to bother my mother, I just want to help her with all she is going through. Any advice?

 

I'm in the middle of my own divorce right now, and I know everyone is different, but I have found the one of the most helpful things is being around family and friends. Just having that company and familiar faces and voices brings a calm that is needed in times like this. So if she is willing to have you around, be there. Just as an ear to listen, shoulder to cry on, someone to make her smile.

[Simpleoldschool]

TO tara-maiden.

 

WHAT PRESSURE is it really? i think i said nothing need be sensational.

 

Second, obviously you and me will ALWAYS DISAGREE.ALWAYS. on everything.

 

Him/her being a young adult indicates an ability to make choices. There is no manner of USE in this.

 

I think you should do what i said YOUNGIN!

 

i do it actually might work. ;x

 

test my theory and see it if stands beside myself so then you can evaluate if what tara-maiden said is true.

[TaraMaiden]

Sadly, through repeated experience, I absolutely know it to be 100% true.

Otherwise, believe me, if I had any doubts, I wouldn't even have posted.

 

We can't possibly disagree on 'everything'.

 

I haven't see you post 'everything' yet......

 

(and my name has no hyphen..... )

[Simpleoldschool]

To TARAMAIDEN,

 

100% of any PERSONAL expierience, is true by way of the expierience that is self-relative. I think maybe the situation or any situation could or can be different given certain variables.

 

i could argue a point but... i feel like it would be a circular argument.

[TaraMaiden]

(My personal experience involves sitting in many counselling sessions with divorcing parents, and also many circumstances in which we saw the kids too. On their own.

Heartbreaking yet at the same time astonishing how far more level-headed the kids were. Particularly the ones who resisted getting involved. )

[Simpleoldschool]

TARA-MAIDEN couenseling sessions are, to me. BS talking.

 

what would be nice if it could be nice, but its not so you need to feel better or you need to do this XYZ.

 

i view society as largely, undisciplined. So your argument here, falls flat to me.

 

I have been to many couenseling sessions also. and man do i make people mad. i guess they need more of their own coenseling sessions. Or a couenselor of their own. funny how they take that mental switch. i think of myself as an independent thinker. someone who can think for themselves. and i give people advice thats constructive. something they can use to the benefit of the situation not to further their own version of what life is supposed to be.i dont get along with entitled people and i think i never will.

 

I like to think of myself as someone who pushs people out of their confort zones to develope a thick skin. To succeed. to take the hard road LESS walked. So things seem less difficult and people have "tools" to fix things. not reasons to leave them broken and then shuve sunshine.

[TaraMaiden]

Yeah, Whatever.

 

You have in one fell swoop dissed a profession which offers support and comfort to millions of people.

 

Good one.

Fortunately, nobody actually needs to follow your counsel.

Particularly as thankfully, they're not having to pay you for it.

[Simpleoldschool]

i guess if you want to call it therapy.

 

What i did kept people alive in iraq.

 

I think i have pretty good judgement.

[TaraMaiden]

Unfortunately, I don't think you have, but there again, my opinion is entirely unimportant.

 

However, if I honestly believe you're wrong - I will say so.

[Simpleoldschool]

You said it, not me.

[aisuru]

TARA-MAIDEN couenseling sessions are, to me. BS talking.

 

what would be nice if it could be nice, but its not so you need to feel better or you need to do this XYZ.

 

i view society as largely, undisciplined. So your argument here, falls flat to me.

 

I have been to many couenseling sessions also. and man do i make people mad. i guess they need more of their own coenseling sessions. Or a couenselor of their own. funny how they take that mental switch. i think of myself as an independent thinker. someone who can think for themselves. and i give people advice thats constructive. something they can use to the benefit of the situation not to further their own version of what life is supposed to be.i dont get along with entitled people and i think i never will.

 

I like to think of myself as someone who pushs people out of their confort zones to develope a thick skin. To succeed. to take the hard road LESS walked. So things seem less difficult and people have "tools" to fix things. not reasons to leave them broken and then shuve sunshine.

 

WHHAAT!?

 

So if you view society as undisciplined, I'm sure you support therapy. Ya know, cause it disciplines us and helps us to fine tune our reactions?

 

Regardless.... since this is about the OP...

 

OP, I think you need to focus on you, while providing some support to your parents as you feel appropriate. Be very careful about taking sides.

 

Divorce is hard. My parents did it when I was quite young, so admittedly, I cannot relate to your experience specifically. But I would caution you in taking sides. I wish you all the best. I can't imagine this is easy for you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Simpleoldschool]

Therapy, in most cases does not involve elements of discipline

unless we are talking about a speicific kind of therapy. and no therapy doesnt discipline anyone, a persons choice or choices do, or an outside factor.therapy is intended to diagnose and have people stay in-line/treat a certain condition or problem to the extent the therapist can. a person who isnt disciplined enough cant follow instructions. Poor choices have poor results. To the OP obviously you feel that dont you!?

 

I have never heard a therapist say you two are staying married, no question about it thats what i got to say. If were talking about marital couenseling, you are way off in measures of discipline included in such couenseling. Maybe referells to certain sources depending on certain things proscribed by LAW, but each source has an agenda.

 

Its not about choosing sides its about taking consideration to both people. All judgements are not sound, expecially in consideration to divorce. that being the case, someone CAN and should couensel the opposite.Expecially when it comes to kids. Therapy, particularly involves COUENSEL and most of the times, therapists really dont even turn face of any outcomes in marriage. you have good therapists and bad ones. most of everything in therapy is suggestion and progress, personal development techniques. Dude, i know some therapy people need. Less sunshine a few swift kicks.

Edited May 28, 2013 by Simpleoldschool

[aisuru]

therapy is intended to diagnose and have people stay in-line/treat a certain condition or problem to the extent the therapist can.

 

Sounds like discipline to me. Even if just attempted by the patient. Therapy does provide discipline. Or the desire to discipline oneself.

 

But you're distracting from the OP which isn't appropriate around here.

 

OP, I wish you well. You are in a less than ideal place and I'm sorry to hear that.

[Simpleoldschool]

Therapy, in most cases does not involve elements of discipline

unless we are talking about a speicific kind of therapy. and no therapy doesnt discipline anyone, a persons choice or choices do, or an outside factor.therapy is intended to diagnose and have people stay in-line/treat a certain condition or problem to the extent the therapist can. a person who isnt disciplined enough cant follow instructions. Poor choices have poor results. To the OP obviously you feel that dont you!?

 

aisuru

 

lets just say i understand very well what im up against. why do you think i ended the statement as such.

 

and discipline is a measure to instill a mental attitude. By way of suggestion, you arent doing much someone isnt going to persuade themselves to do, with a working brain.

 

also aisuru everything were discussing came about by way of the OP so, i think all things considered everything is a logical EXTENT of the argument of possible considerations.

 

Kick rocks guy and kick em hard.

[dreamingoftigers]

Or once they move across the country from one another, you can, by fluke, run into your long lost twin. Then in a series of pranks and hijinks, develop a rivalry (at a summer camp, oh that would be perfect!) that forces you to have to spend time together as a punishment.

 

Then, once discovering that you are twins, you can decide to switch places, forcing a reunion with your parents who hadn't told you the truth about one another to begin with. Then, as you spend time at your father's house and discover his new girlfriend is a gold-digger, you and your twin can find a way to whisk your mother off to see him.

 

Once your father's girlfriend proves not to be a great camper, your parents will magically fall back in love. That way you and your twin don't have to go back and forth between households across the country.

 

Oh, wait, that was The Parent Trap.

 

OP, just like every other poor soul who has had to endure a parent's divorce, realize that they aren't super-human and they are both hurting in their own way and will recover on their own time.

 

They are also adults and they know when they have reached their limits. You can't save their marriage nor is it ANY of your responsibility or fault to do so. Both your parents would most likely agree that it is up to you to learn and be all that you can to find your way and make a happy life.

 

If you are anxious yourself about forming relationships and skittish because of your parent's divorce, you can try reading up on Gottman and 5 languages before taking the plunge. Among many other relationship supports. That would give you a major league up in regards to your peers.

 

A counselor ( or even just a distress line) may be available to help you cope.

 

Best of luck.

 

To be honest do you want them to divorce? if not, then get them toghether and tell them you want everyone to share their feelings and you will not tolerate arguments.

 

if not, then i cant couensel you there.

 

Second, obviously this is bothering you.

 

If your mother wants the divorce you can have her ear as the best reasons not to.

 

if your dad does, get his ear.

 

Tell them as parents you would like to see them stay toghether for why you did in your original post and then tell them you want them to still be your heros. tell them you beilieve they did some of the most amazing things toghether. Sometimes if you add in a point of view they dont have(about eachother right now), about how you saw them toghether expecially as a family member and how amazing they were when they were toghether and how much love they both showed you and that you know them as loving people mother and father and not like this, you can wind up saving the marriage. tell them you know them as better people. as parents, and as husband and wife. the people who do things better. Kid you dont need to do anything sensational you just need to level everything out.

 

Help them fall in love. talk to them about what the other person thinks they did as wrong. you have all the INFO that other people dont and wont.

 

you can truly save this marriage i beilieve.

[aisuru]

 

 

Oh, wait, that was The Parent Trap.

 

Patty Duke or Lindsay Lohan?

 

[Emilia]

Growing up, we look up to our parents as these superheroes that can do no wrong. Now, I am stuck in the middle of this messy divorce. I came here to ask any help on how to deal with it. I don't want to bother my mother, I just want to help her with all she is going through. Any advice?

 

It is very difficult to go through parents' divorce at any age. Just because you are older, it is no exception.

 

My advice is to stay out of it and let them fight it out. It is absolutely NOT your place to mediate or to be stuck in the middle of it. I witnessed what it's like for adult friends to go through this. It isn't any easier than for children and you get even less support.

 

Please update us on your decision.

 

Good luck