How to deal with truth and disownment?

[fir4charlotte]

How do I start this?

My relationship with my father has not been a close one, never a distant one either. Let's just say I was the typically annoyed daughter who just didn't know how to talk to him. A year ago, I moved away from home, under false pretenses. I did, of course want out of my smothering church life, as well as my family.

I said I was going to live with a friend. Which I did, only for a few months.

I kept in touch with my boyfriend, who eventually asked me to move in with him. I did. Simply because I love him. I did not bother in telling my family about this new development, they were in a different country, and it is after all, my life.

I did make the mistake of telling my boyfriend that my parents were aware of the situation. I do regret that. Leading a secret life is exhausting.

I know my father has many connections, but I felt confident that if they didn't know me, I could scrape by and eventually muster up the courage to reveal what was really going on.

the one thing that really destroys me, is the lies I have told my mother, who deeply trusts me and believed everything I say. Tears me to shreds.

a few days ago, I flew in to see my family, overjoyed because I had not seen them in months.

I played the charade of being a good church girl, and felt nothing but love at being able to see my family again.

My father, took it upon himself to talk to me alone, and ask me what having a secret life felt like. It was a slap to the face, but relieving, to know I no longer had to hide. He gave me a long sermon about being hypocritical and telling me I need to rejoin their church.

once he was finished with THAT bit, he explained he had my boyfriend and me followed, that he knew exactly where we lived, worked and hung out. He said that he refrained himself from having my boyfriend "disappear" or to die in a tragic accident. Knowing my father, I know this is true.

He is forcing me to make a choice, to abandon the love of my life and remain with them, or leave and suffer the consequences. If I choose to leave, he will forever cut me off, forbid any family contact to me, and even though I won't know where they will be (because he plans on taking everyone away from their current home) and he will be staking my boyfriend and I, until something happens, accidentally of course.

 

I will not abandon my boyfriend, and be coerced into something I do not want because I would grow resentful and hateful instead of enjoying my family. Then again, if I do leave, I would be responsible for anything that happens to my boyfriend, and I could not live with that.

[KyRose]

Truthfully your father should be criminally investigated for even insinuating he would have your boyfriend killed. That is first of all.

[ffw]

Your dad is a fundamentalist nut job.

 

I know that's easy for me to say because he's not my father.

 

But any man who would force his child by death threat doesn't deserve the title of "dad".

 

You better make sure to leave records EVERY where from police stations and safe deposit boxes to web sites that if something happens to him or you that dad is responsible. tell your mother and all your siblings your dad threatened to kill you and so though you will miss them, you will not bother interacting with a psycho and those who defend him.

 

That **** is unacceptable. I grew up religious and an immigrant too. My father pulled the: "get married or get out" on me when I was 19. My life is forever ****ed because of it. If I knew now what I knew then I would have stood my ground...

 

I second this opinion. Though, not sure which side your family will take. Your father is an abusive, control freak & nut case. If you don't stand up on your ground, he will always control your life. Do what you must for the safety for yourself & your bf. Does your bf knows about this?

 

Atheist, sorry to hear (read) your story. I was also born in a male dominated society. Anyways, hope your are a better place now.

[fir4charlotte]

My father, does have issues. I can see that he is by any means necessary trying to grasp any chances of me being closer to home. As of 35 minutes ago he literally pulled every string available to get me into the best school available for my masters. I feel like i'm stuck. I want to stand my ground but am finding it immensely difficult to do so.