lost.girl Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Im just confused as I can be right now! Been in a serious LDR for about a year, i live in america, he is in the uk. Everything was going great! Although we never actually met in person I fell in love with him and he with me (so he said anyway) Well Ive been working on getting over there and he and I were going to live happily ever after. Even said he planned on marrying me, kids the whole bit. Finally got into a university starting in sept and everything was working out great till he tells me he loves me but he is not "in love" with me anymore! I dont know what happened He was fine one day and the next cold as ice, he felt bad about it saying he ruined my life and he sort of did! He messages me everyday cause he wants to stay friends with me but its hard, he is so cold to me now Im still going to the uk to study but I have no idea why he did this last minute to me! At this point Im not even sure I want to meet him. Will be sad because Im there because of him but to do this to me last minute is pretty much unforgivable. I just don't know if he is panicking because I will be there soon and I had certain expectations from him or what. Link to post Share on other sites
Carenth Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Sorry to hear about your situation. For me personally I would not be declaring undying love or talking about plans for marriage and kids for someone I've never met in person. This was the case for my girlfriend and I, we both liked each other a lot but were not sure how this would transfer to real life. So we refused to say that we were in a relationship until after we had spent some time together in flesh and blood. Personally I wouldn't have being transferring universities to study over there without actually meeting him first. That is me however what's done is done. Also there is the possibility that he may of never expected you to actually ever meet. I've heard of cases of people building themselves up to be something they are not and get caught in a web of lies and then when they finally meet they are not the person they have created online. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost.girl Posted May 28, 2013 Author Share Posted May 28, 2013 Yeah I guess I got caught up with it to be honest. I know it's not a rational thing but it felt right (heart is not the brightest of parts lol) Still I always wanted to move over there to travel so partially wasn't about him. Gotta find the silver linning somewhere I guess Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Forget about him, you are about to embark on a grand adventure ! I'm sure there will be lots of other sexy brits to take your mind off this guy that you NEVER EVEN MET ! Good luck ! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Two words: no contact. Cut ties completely with this guy so you can enjoy your new life there for real, and meet other cool guys. Don't spend a year there suffering over him, or thinking you can work it out if you meet him - you'll regret it later on. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
amy10 Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 I can understand how confused and hurt you must feel right now. especially when you have been planing to meet up with this guy and also planing a future with him. Maybe he just got scared of meeting you and decided to back off a little bit until he he sorts out his feelings he does love you i am sure, but that is no reason to do this to you. You should tell him you don't want to talk to him right now and that you need time to figure out your life in the way of moving over to the uk to study. Don't let this put you off university, you will meet friends and there will be lots of great things you can plan to do. If he wants to be part of this he will contact you, let him do the fixing. then if you do meet take it slowly and get to know him so you can build a relationship that's not long distance. I am sure you will be fine just let him come o you like I said. hope everything goes well for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 This is a tough lesson to learn. Don't make life plans with someone you've never laid eyes on in the flesh. Cut ties with him. He could have done this for a variety of reasons. 1) He's been dishonest about who he is and now realizes the jig is up 2) He isn't really single (see #1) 3) He never thought you'd actually make the move and now is panicking at the reality of the situation. In any case, go and enjoy the enriching experience of studying abroad. You will very likely be sad for a bit, naturally. Then you'll discover how much fun university life can be and how rewarding the whole experience is, with or without this clown. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost.girl Posted May 28, 2013 Author Share Posted May 28, 2013 Thank you guys so much!! Its hard to talk about this with my friends because they thought I was crazy to even think of doing this (rightfully so i guess) to be with a guy. But now that I really think on it, its really what Ive wanted to do for a long time. See the world and just do something insane, rather have a life of "oh wells" than "what ifs" Just can't tell you how much it means to me that you all are so kind and supportive and don't worry I have no intention of contacting him again. If he wants me back well bridge is sort of burned but I would be lying if I said I wouldn't be open to the idea of fresh start. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Aicha Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 how old are you both? maybe he is too young and not ready for a serious commitment 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Carenth Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 No such thing as a fresh start in my opinion when someone has done something like this and this is before you have even met. I would be cutting all contact with this person and never speaking to them again. They don't deserve your time and you deserve a lot better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost.girl Posted May 28, 2013 Author Share Posted May 28, 2013 im 24 and he is 33, he has been married and divorced, has 4 kids. Ive not done either marriage or kids. His divorce was several years ago but he says he doesn't like being single, wants a family life back. I don't know the more I think about it the more I feel a fool to have believed in him It all seemed so very genuine Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost.girl Posted May 28, 2013 Author Share Posted May 28, 2013 Also, he is unemployed, lives with his mom and plays video games all the time. Think we have a different idea about how life is supposed to be spent. I was gonna work on him (yeah yeah fix him i know its awful) But he seemed worth the effort cause he really is a sweet man. So he has nothing going for him really in life and he dumps me, I guess that is what Im struggling with. Im no supermodel but certainly not chopped liver either. My self esteem is what is struggling to understand I think mostly Link to post Share on other sites
amy10 Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 He clear he hurt you quite deep. But don't let him get to you. ok he said he wanted a family again and he wanted that to be with you but then he doesn't, just let him go move on and enjoy life because there is a much nicer caring guy waiting around the corner. I said earlyer if he choses to try and talk to you let him do all the work, but maybe it is best if you forget him. your worth more than a guy who lives with his mum and plays on the computer all day. be strong and enjoy life in uni. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tinkerbelldandy Posted May 29, 2013 Share Posted May 29, 2013 Same thing has happened to me. We've been dating for two years and visiting one another every three months in our countries (him Italy and me US). Been stressed with preparing for the move there since I'm very settled here with a career and home and have been working so much overtime shifts so I wouldnt be a financial burden to him that I broke down and cried in front of him. A week later he breaks up with me saying he didn't want to be responsible for forcing me to go there...mind you I've already sold my home and worked on my visa. He became outraged when I told him that I still wanred to go as I want to study Italian and live abroad and to show him he wasn't forcing me. It's been a month that we've broken up, after I made a few attempts to clarify the misunderstanding of the situation he isn't having a change of heart and tells me no contact for now...maybe in the future and try to get over this. I'm going because I have everything to gain and nothing to lose...my boyfriend has already broken up with me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost.girl Posted May 29, 2013 Author Share Posted May 29, 2013 You know what tinkerbell, screw them!!! I look at it this way, i did start this journey because of him and in some ways Im grateful for him kind of making me get out of my comfort zone because that's when the real living begins! Sure it's scary and not what either of us were expecting as an outcome but that's life for you! You get over there and just enjoy life like Im going to do! It's so cheap to travel to different countries via train something I could never have experienced without doing this. Might end up thanking him one day for it, not today though, today he is a douche bag lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted May 29, 2013 Share Posted May 29, 2013 Finally got into a university starting in sept and everything was working out great till he tells me he loves me but he is not "in love" with me anymore! I dont know what happened He was fine one day and the next cold as ice, he felt bad about it saying he ruined my life and he sort of did! I just don't know if he is panicking because I will be there soon and I had certain expectations from him or what. He messages me everyday cause he wants to stay friends with me but its hard, he is so cold to me now Im still going to the uk to study but I have no idea why he did this last minute to me! Im 24 and he is 33, he has been married and divorced, has 4 kids. Ive not done either marriage or kids. His divorce was several years ago but he says he doesn't like being single, wants a family life back. I don't know the more I think about it the more I feel a fool to have believed in him It all seemed so very genuine Also, he is unemployed, lives with his mom and plays video games all the time. Think we have a different idea about how life is supposed to be spent. I was gonna work on him (yeah yeah fix him i know its awful) But he seemed worth the effort cause he really is a sweet man. So he has nothing going for him really in life and he dumps me, I guess that is what Im struggling with. Im no supermodel but certainly not chopped liver either. My self esteem is what is struggling to understand I think mostly What happened? He was having a wonderful "no strings attached" virtual relationship with a sweet young thing who thought he walked on water. He could be anyone he wanted you to believe him to be and you'd never know the difference because after all, what were the odds the two of you would ever meet in person and you'd know the truth? So all of a sudden you announce you'll be coming to the UK for uni and he runs for the hills. Duh. Honestly, lost.girl... Has it not dawned on you that this guy is and has been full of ***t? At this point Im not even sure I want to meet him. Will be sad because Im there because of him but to do this to me last minute is pretty much unforgivable. "Pretty much unforgivable?" What in heck is wrong with your head? This guy is a total loser and as others have suggested wasn't worth your time to begin with and certainly isn't now. I am 99.9% sure he lied to you. The only reason I'm not 100% positive is because he might actually be living in the UK. Everything else was "bollocks" and he was entertaining himself and having his fun at your expense. You're right. You're *not* chopped liver and NO ONE has the right to toy with your feelings, mind, and life like that. You want to regain your self-esteem? I don't care if "he wants to remain friends." You need to cut ALL contact with this jack@ss right now and never look back. "Put on your big girl knickers" and reclaim the power you handed over to him and let him and his conscience now twist in the wind. What about university this fall? Give yourself a break. Quit kicking yourself about how you allowed this guy pull the wool over your eyes and look at your glass as now more than half full. Do you realize what a fabulous opportunity you have before you? There are thousands of other US college students out there who would give their eye teeth for the chance you've been given. Life only comes around once, lost.girl. It's not a dress rehearsal. Embrace it and learn from your experiences. Best, TMichaels 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost.girl Posted May 29, 2013 Author Share Posted May 29, 2013 TMichaels!!! What a kick in the ass! lol One I rather needed too. Im cuting and pasting your reply into my computer to read every time I have the urge to contact him! Absolutely brilliant! Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted May 29, 2013 Share Posted May 29, 2013 You've had a lucky escape. I think you will find it easier settling in because of your contact with him and his culture. It will feel more familiar than strange. British guys like American women, so the world is your oyster! I envy you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted May 29, 2013 Share Posted May 29, 2013 TMichaels!!! What a kick in the ass! lol One I rather needed too. Im cuting and pasting your reply into my computer to read every time I have the urge to contact him! Absolutely brilliant! You're welcome, lost.girl. Glad to hear it. Now go forth and conquer! I have faith you will... Best, TMichaels 1 Link to post Share on other sites
subversive Posted May 29, 2013 Share Posted May 29, 2013 Yuck, read through all this. You definitely dodged a bullet. Better now than later. Forget meeting him or trying to be friends. It's not worth it. I like what melody said..you ARE about to go on a BIG adventure! How exciting. All in all, I think this weirdo turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Studying abroad? Meeting tons of people? Sounds wonderful. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost.girl Posted May 29, 2013 Author Share Posted May 29, 2013 Yeah the more time that passes I can see I was just wrapped up in it. I do honestly love him, whether it was him I loved or an illusion I loved still hurts the same. The uni I was going to was in his town but I've been accepted into a couple of them so I am going with one that is hours away from him so I won't be tempted back into his life. Time for a fresh start, not for him but for me! I know my prince is out there and will be worth all the dumb toads I've kissed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
subversive Posted May 29, 2013 Share Posted May 29, 2013 He really will be; have no doubt. : ) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 He did a crappy thing to you. But your sunny attitude and positive outlook will carry you through. I promise you, you will soon forget why you were so sad about this. Enjoy the UK! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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