3 years since cheated and nothing done to save marriage

[plymouth]

I got married in October of 2000, after living together for 5 years. My anniversary is coming up and I am having a hard time deciding weather or not to stay in this marriage. Here is what happened:

 

I found out from my mom that a year after we were married, my husband was going to strip clubs with my brother. My brother says that my husband introduced him to the clubs. My husband says it was my brothers idea. Any way, my brother didn't have the B's to tell me what was going on, so he told my mom. He knew that she would eventually tell me. I had to trick my husband by saying that I hired someone to follow him and that I had proof that he was going and cheated on me. After that he admitted he was going. At the very beginning of our relationship and many other times, I made it perfectly clear how I felt about going to strip clubs. I felt it was cheating. It was never left unclear how I felt. If you have to go to a strip club, then something is wrong. I found out that he was touching and even kissing them. He says he never had sex of any kind, but I don't believe him. One night he came home smelling like sex. He stuck his face and fingers in their crotches. This is cheating too me. I told him I wanted a divorce because I was so angry and hurt. He said he would do anything to work things out. I ordered some books for both of us to read, I asked him to start counseling for himself and then we would start couples counseling. It is going on 3 years and, after many threats of divorcing, there has been no counseling, one out of four books has been partially read, and he is starting to get an attitude every time I question where he has been. I started taking Prozac a month after I found out. I just stopped taking it last month, because I needed to see if I could deal with this on my own. It is not working. I have become very angry and have been experiencing bouts of depression. Through out these years I have talked with him and told him that if he really loved me and wanted this marriage to work, he would have bent over backwards, read thousands of books and gone to counseling by now. He keeps saying he is going to do it. I think I know deep down that he is not going to change. Am I expecting too much from him? Should I accept things the way they are? (I don't feel like I should). I have never talked to anyone else about this. I guess I would like to hear from others in a similar situation and opinions.

[StillHurtin]

I am sorry you are going through all this, and no, you are not expecting too much at all. I am in the same situation you are. My H had an A while we were seperated (he wanted a D so I moved back to my hometown to be near family). Anyhow, after he realized the OW wasn't all what he wanted he came crawling back to me, begging and pleading to take him back. I wasn't going to but I still loved him and wanted to give it a try. We both went to counseling. Things seemed to get better but he thinks he doesn't need more counseling BUT I do b/c I am not over the A and all trust is still not there.

I would give him an ultimanium (sp), he either goes to more counseling w/ you or you will leave. I hope things get worked out, GL

[SoleMate]

He stuck his face and fingers in their crotches. This is cheating, to me.

Oh yeah. It is cheating, big time. He might justify it by saying that it wasn't a "relationship" - which is true of course - but he knew you would hate it and he went and did it anyway.

 

He said he would do anything to work things out. I ordered some books for both of us to read, I asked him to start counseling for himself and then we would start couples counseling. It is going on 3 years...there has been no counseling, one out of four books has been partially read, and he is starting to get an attitude every time I question where he has been.

Yup. And yet I can guarantee you with 97% certainty that if you actually make good on your threats of separation or divorce, he will start to cry and beg. This story is so familiar. A lot of them can't/won't clean up their acts until it is too late.

 

Try <URL removed> for some possible ideas, but I have to tell you, his heart needs to be in this or it will NOT work. If you're still interested in trying, perhaps take a definite "separation" step - like moving out to your parents - and see if that wakes him up.

 

I know a very experienced MFT (marriage & family therapist) who says that in her observation, and contrary to the common perception, it is the HUSBAND who controls the course and outcome of a marital relationship. If he takes the relationship and his wife seriously, it will thrive. If he doesn't (as yours appears to), the relationship will eventually die. The divorce is just the final nail in the coffin.