The good, the bad, the ugly

[bellasue]

I was doing great the last few days.....

 

I sent the BS an email which essentially said forgive your husband, I pursued him, it was all my fault, he is a good man, etc.

 

Then I got a little angry at myself and at him. Although I did make a mistake, HE was there, HE participated, HE had sex with me. I am like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Love/Hate at it's extreme.

 

I'm so conflicted about who he is. I know I shouldn't care, but I do.

 

Really and truly, one step forward, three steps back.....ugh!!!!!!

[metal_chick]

Oh dear... I don't think you should have sent an email to the BS. You should just let NC do the talking...

[findingnemo]

Why did you write her? What were you hoping to make her understand?

[Wellington]

I agree, I think writing to the BS was a very bad idea. What's done is done, but now it's time to let it go. All of it.

 

You can be rest assured BS is quite well aware that her H was a full and willing participant, Even though you tried to accept all the blame in your note. It takes two. Im sure you didn't hold him against his will so don't take ownership of the whole A.

[Got it]

I was doing great the last few days.....

 

I sent the BS an email which essentially said forgive your husband, I pursued him, it was all my fault, he is a good man, etc.

 

Then I got a little angry at myself and at him. Although I did make a mistake, HE was there, HE participated, HE had sex with me. I am like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Love/Hate at it's extreme.

 

I'm so conflicted about who he is. I know I shouldn't care, but I do.

 

Really and truly, one step forward, three steps back.....ugh!!!!!!

 

Why would you do that!?! Please, don't engage. It is only going to come back and bite you. What was the reasoning for it? Are you trying to stay connected? He is responsible for his actions and you are not the big bad OW with the majical va ja ja that seduced and hypnotized him. He is equally responsible, trust me, you are good but you aren't that good. (((((bellasue))))

 

But writing to the BS or to MM, if you guys are over, is not doing you any good and just helping you feed the connection. I completely get why you want to but it is only going to hurt you. Please don't.

 

I posted a story here before about The Clown. I will try and find it again so you can read it, please don't go looking for the Clown. ((((bellasue)))))

[Got it]

CLOWN STORY

 

" A man found himself in the middle of a long hallway. In the middle of this long hallway was a solitary door. He walked up to the door and knocked on it. It was answered by a clown who proceeded to beat the life out of him. The next day, the gentleman was in the hallway once more, and once more found his way to the door and knocked on it. Again, it was answered by the same clown and again, the clown beat him senseless. This occurred for 4 more days - the man would be in the hallway, go to the door, knock on it, and the clown would answer the door only to beat him senseless once more.

 

On the 7th day, the man was once again in the hallway. He walked up to the door and knocked on it - but no one answered. So, he went looking for the clown.

 

My husband and I often say, when we're discussing how we used to allow prior relationships to hurt us AGAIN and AGAIN, that we're NO LONGER looking for the clown.

 

I see women here who continually allow their xMM (or MM) to hurt them again and again and again. The key word here, though, is "allow." When we allow someone to continually hurt us and abuse us emotionally, it becomes the rule rather than the exception.

 

I just want to tell those who are hurting to STOP looking for the clown. "

 

 

 

 

 

So, this is from the Clown's perspective:

 

Wow, she finally found me, she must really want me. I'm going to treat her like ****, disrespect her, lie to her, give her just little bits of my time and make promises I have no intention of keeping. She surely won't stay around after that.

 

Hmmmm....I can't believe she's come back looking for me again. I would have thought that by treating her so bad to begin with she wouldn't want to be treated like that anymore. I'm going to treat her like **** some more, give her some even bigger lies and give her hope when I know there isn't any.

 

WOW, she is back for more? I thought for sure she'd have gone away by now. After all, I have really been an ******* to her. I've given her nothing but pain and heartache, yet she seems to enjoy all these bad things I can give her. I'm thinking she must be enjoying this.

 

OMG - this is great! She has come back again and I now know for sure that I don't ever have to change. That no matter how bad I treat her, no matter what I say or do, no matter how much I lie to her, hurt her, give her hope - she is just going to accept it. I don't have to change my life, ruin my family, put anything of my own in jeopardy because she has proven to me she will continue to keep coming back for me. No matter how bad I treat her.

 

And, I keep getting to have someone on the side who I can have sex with, who I can call when I'm lonely, hurting or just need someone to understand my problems. I can fit her into my life because she is waiting around and always available to me no matter what. She is so happy for the 5 minutes we get together that I don't have to give more than that.

 

Wow, I LOVE being the Clown. I have it made!!

 

I feel sorry for the one who keeps looking for me.

[DelusionalOne]

So you feel the married man holds no responsibility for having sex and a relationship with a woman other than his wife?

For real?

 

Of course they don't. MM who have affairs are nothing more than weak dimwitted fools with not enough brain cells to rub together to form a thought of their own. How could they EVER resist the evil wiles of the OW who took advantage of his lack of intelligence. He can not be held responsible for his actions.

 

<rolling eyes>

 

To anyone that may have missed it... Please note the boatload of sarcasm.

 

Bellasue, you have to do what you feel is best in your situation. There is no one size fits all here. But are you sure you motives/heart was in the right place? Did you tell her the truth?

Edited May 28, 2013 by DelusionalOne
Typo

[Got it]

Pierre, and that is your opinion. Obviously not everyone agrees with it exactly.

 

Let's move on and focus on the OP.

 

Bella, how are you doing today? Please understand the reasoning why you engaged, what you got out of it, what the benefits were, what the repercussions were, and where you go from here. But each day is a new day, so dust yourself off and keep moving forward.

 

NC means no new hurts. ((((bellasue))))

[TheOW]

It sounds to me like you contacted her so maybe he would contact you ? I dont think it was empathy for his wife at all. It's what I myself would have once done while still in "A" mode.

[findingnemo]

bellasue, you've been on LS for a bit. So I know you know the basic "rules" of NC, etc. I can't remember anyone who wrote to the BW except me and I never sent the letter. I wrote because I was angry, frustrated, felt stuck, etc. I wanted her to know what had happened and hoped that the secret would end my torment once and for all. My trigger was her WH who suddenly tried to steer our friendship back into A territory.

 

If you can, please tell us why you wrote to BW, what you intended her to know and what made you decide to do so now? Did something happen?

[Praying4Peace]

Bellasue,

 

What you wrote- do you consider it true? Did you pursue him more than you? Do you take more than 50% of the blame? If yes, I guess you wanted to let her know that. If no, it was a final gift to your exMM. Think about that...

[veryhappy]

I suspect it was the part of you who loves him who wrote his W. Loving him you want him to be well even if it's not with you( hard place to get to). Then you were overwhelmed by your hurt. I don't know if it applies to you, but I've cycled a lot between these states.

 

Let it go. It doesn't sound like your intentions were malicious, so no hurt meant to them and don't torture yourself about it. Hope you don't hear back and be done with it.

[Goodbye]

I believe that what OP did is admirable and puts her on the right path.

 

 

Even if it was a veiled attempt to damage the marriage by giving the wife details she'd not heard from the H? (Bellasue, not saying this WAS the case, it just often IS)

[bellasue]

First of all, I am 99.9 percent sure that all of my paths of communication are blocked. So the likelihood that either of them will ever read it is slim.

 

I did not provide any information in the email that she would not already know. It was not meant to provoke or hurt her any further. In fact, I was really just asking for forgiveness, since I know the BS and I know she is hurting as well.

 

As for the xMM in question, I was very angry for the first few weeks after he dropped me and disappeared. I know have gotten to a place of extreme sadness. If taking responsibility for the affair alleviates any of the pain of his BS or even him, I would feel better. I know......doesn't make complete sense.

 

I know in my brain that NC is the best and most effective route. However, being someone who has a need to "talk things out" to understand, I am most frustrated by the fact that I have no idea what the heck happened in those last few days. The most effective way to express my feelings at this point is to put it in writing. I know I should do that here and not send things to them at all. I REALLY need my "send" button to get stuck. Maybe I could spill something gooey on my laptop.

 

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies. I hope this explains some things.

[bellasue]

PS: No, I never pursued him. It was a mutual thing.

[findingnemo]

You just wanted to apologize? That's gotta be the nicest thing I've heard! Whether she gets it or not is unimportant. She may get it and trash it but she'll remember it. For you, communication must cease forthwith. Let them go.

 

I have to say though, again, that apologizing was a really nice thing to do. I just think you need to get into self-protect mode from here on out.

 

((((Go belle))):bunny:

[DelusionalOne]

PS: No, I never pursued him. It was a mutual thing.

 

Bellasue....sweetie, why on earth would you send something like that virtually taking responsibility ... Total responsibility? Wasn't it just a week or two ago that you posted that you wouldn't even have considered it if he hasn't made the first move and persued you?

 

You are about 7-8weeks NC right? For me, that's about the time I felt it all kind of slipping away and I desperately wanted to hang onto it... It couldn't be really the end. Someone else out here likened it to dangling off a cliff by one foot. Are you sure you weren't just throwing a bomb for some kind of response?

[Praying4Peace]

Bellasue,

Sometimes we do things for a lot of different reasons and we ourselves cannot comprehend. I went through this stage where I just felt like apologizing to SOMEONE. It would make me feel better, it would help him out and maybe even help her out.

 

The last time we met, I told xMM- one day you'll hate me because your life will be tough at least for a little while- and everytime you have to deal with it you'll resent me. He had said the same to me, i mean...I'm divorced at least he's married. He said that would never happen.

 

Perhaps you wanted to show him an act of kindness so that if he thought badly of you he would know that you were willing to take the blame for him since he has more to lose in the relationship department? It still reaching out, in a way.

 

But I know that you genuinely feel that way.

[The Way I Am]

PS: No, I never pursued him. It was a mutual thing.

 

Count me in with those wondering why you would lie about it. You really should work that out for yourself whether it was a way to alleviate guilt, to hold on, etc.

 

I don't know all your details, but from the bits in this thread, it seems like you might have reached out to her as a way to show him that you care enough for him to protect him by taking all the blame on yourself. And maybe you're even trying to lull her into a false security about her husband so eventually he can come back and continue the A.

 

An apology is admirable. Lying and claiming *all* responsibility when in fact he pursued you first doesn't help his wife. It just helps him keep the blinders on her.

[Praying4Peace]

Count me in with those wondering why you would lie about it. You really should work that out for yourself whether it was a way to alleviate guilt, to hold on, etc.

 

I don't know all your details, but from the bits in this thread, it seems like you might have reached out to her as a way to show him that you care enough for him to protect him by taking all the blame on yourself. And maybe you're even trying to lull her into a false security about her husband so eventually he can come back and continue the A.

 

An apology is admirable. Lying and claiming *all* responsibility when in fact he pursued you first doesn't help his wife. It just helps him keep the blinders on her.

 

And these cheating MM's are so deluded that he might even start to believe it himself! It was all her....see just like the message says. Which doesn't help him with changing himself and keeping boundaries.

[bellasue]

I really wrote the email in the kindness of terms and truthfully it did not even enter my mind that she might see it as anything but an apology. I certainly have no intention of trying to lull her into security to get her husband back. Yes, I do love him but I am also a realist. He chose her. I'm fairly certain he intends to do everything in his power to reinforce that with her. IF he does that, it would regain some of the respect I used to have for him as a man. Does it ameliorate my pain? No. Do I wish things were different? Sure.......I lost a friend and I would give up my right arm to have my friend back. (By that I mean just the friendship)

 

I still hate the way he ended things with me, but I'm trying to look at things with a bigger world view and that includes trying to help him succeed at what he himself has chosen to be happy. At the same time, I am trying to make myself hurt less and get to a place where I can feel at peace with my choices.

 

Again, thanks to everyone for your love and support. LS has definitely been a life saver in this situation!!!!

[who_am_i]

First of all, I am 99.9 percent sure that all of my paths of communication are blocked. So the likelihood that either of them will ever read it is slim.

 

I did not provide any information in the email that she would not already know. It was not meant to provoke or hurt her any further. In fact, I was really just asking for forgiveness, since I know the BS and I know she is hurting as well.

 

As for the xMM in question, I was very angry for the first few weeks after he dropped me and disappeared. I know have gotten to a place of extreme sadness. If taking responsibility for the affair alleviates any of the pain of his BS or even him, I would feel better. I know......doesn't make complete sense.

 

I know in my brain that NC is the best and most effective route. However, being someone who has a need to "talk things out" to understand, I am most frustrated by the fact that I have no idea what the heck happened in those last few days. The most effective way to express my feelings at this point is to put it in writing. I know I should do that here and not send things to them at all. I REALLY need my "send" button to get stuck. Maybe I could spill something gooey on my laptop.

 

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies. I hope this explains some things.

 

Bellasue...

 

I too wanted so badly to apologize to his wife. I know exactly what you mean when you say that you only intended for it to be seen as such. At one point I brought the idea up here and was told what an awful idea it was...so I didn't do it. Instead I wrote her a letter...put it in an envelope...put only her name on the outside...and stuck it in the mail. No stamp...no return address...nothing but her name.

 

Even though I know there is virtually no chance that she will get that letter it made me feel a million times better for how I had initially behaved. As I drove away from the mailbox I could feel some of the tension releasing from my body. It was just something that I had to do to move on.

 

At times I think of more things that I wish I had said to her. Who knows, perhaps one day I will mail another letter...maybe 100 more. Maybe there will be so many that it will rival the stack to Santa Clause.

 

Regardless...I hope it made you feel better. All the best...