What a mess

[Baby123]

Also about the age thing, I know i'm not 18 and every day I've made a choice to be part of this crazy situ. But in reality I should be doing what other girls my age are doing, not dealing with MM, BS, and children.

[ComingInHot]

baby, thank you for answering honestly.

I think I see where you have developed the ability to cast off others as it sounds like you are in a highly competative field. Maybe that has something to do w/why, even though it sounds like MM is More w/you than her, you still feel, as you wrote, "crazy jealous".

 

I'll let you in on something, my H had an A w/a young woman just a few years older than you. I had ZERO idea though, until exOW outed the A to me via email like Ten months after he ended it.

 

My hope for exOW is that she has gotten back on the path of her live to have & enjoy many of the adventures that she should have*.

She seemed smart, and was very pretty just kind of lost and for whatever reasons got off the path that would have lead her to much healthier relationships.

 

I know my scenario differs greatly from yours & we're on opposing "sides", but My feelings are the same. I still wish so much more for Both you and exOW.**

[stillafool]

Also about the age thing, I know i'm not 18 and every day I've But in reality I should be doing what other girls my age are doing, not dealing with MM, BS, and children.[/Qmade a choice to be part of this crazy situ. UOTE]

 

You are correct about this because after 25 the years fly by. As another person said you don't want to be 35 or 40 and find out that you missed out on dating young men when you were young. Just something to think about.

[georgia girl]

Baby,

 

I feel like an old, old lady writing this but please slow down. You are 24 years old. You are about to enter the best years of your life. These are the years where you build your career, still go out on Thursday night (because it's okay to work one day with a hangover), hang out with college buddies and fall in and out of love a zillion times before you meet HIM.

 

This guy is 40-something, with a STBXW and two kids. This sounds glamorous and sexy, but really, I'm 40-something and so is my husband. We're boring. We WISH we could be your age again. We tell stories about how cool we were when we were your age (and they'd probably embarrass you because you'd think we were old coots making fools of ourselves.)

 

I think you need to leave this guy. Heal from loving him. And then go find someone more your own age. Fall a little into infatuation with that guy and then right back out again. Rinse and repeat this process for a few more years (minus any more old farts) and then you will meet the one guy where it all seems too easy. And that guy, you'll know. You won't wonder, you won't guess, you won't daydream... you will know.

 

When my husband and I had been dating for awhile, I knew I was going to marry him. But unlike anyone I had ever dated before, I wasn't in a rush to find a dress, or daydream about a wedding or any of that stuff. We'd get to it. I was so much more interested in the relationship.

 

Please give yourself this opportunity. Old farts aren't that interesting. I know. I am one.

[jlola]

Baby, you are way too young to get into this situation. you need to sow wild oats,travel,build up your career. Not be involved with a man who has so much baggage. But people lose their minds and focus on how someone makes them feel. Rather than look at things logically.

 

I have a little cousin who is early 20's . She graduated HS at 16. Finished college in 2 and a half years and is now in a top med school.

 

She is absolutely gorgeous with a body many woman would die for. My aunt has so much high hopes in her. Well, somehow she began talking to this young man (same age) a couple of years back on facebook. He saw her pic and thought she was stunning. She allowed herself to give time to this relationship and build a bond. rather than just keep him as a "friend" and now she is blind to his faults.

 

Well, he made her feel good. He tells her he never imagined a girl as beautiful as she would even talk to him, let alone give him a chance to be her "boyfriend". He tells her she has made such a change in his life. "She makes him happy","He cannot survive without her". He builds her up and puts a lot of his happiness on her.

 

He went back to college(so he says, doubt it) because of her. raised by a mother who has 3 children for 3 different men. Gets depressed and moody occasionally.

 

Nothing we say to her will make her see this relationship is not meant to be.

 

She was sheltered and this is her first boyfriend. She sees him sporadically. they talk on the phone often. Not to be snobby or anything.But she can do way better.

 

Thing is, most guys she meets at med school do not have time to swoon over her the way this guy does.

 

When she talks to me about him, I can see he has made her the stars and moon and she is thriving on that. She is high on that.

 

She longs for him, misses him because school is her priority,so they have obstacles. But they have talked of marriage and kids.

 

I think he has made her so responsible for his happiness,she would feel guilty leaving someone who puts her on such a pedestal.

 

He is not healthy, but she cannot see that. Like you she is too young to be involved with anyone seriously. Let alone a guy with so much baggage. I hope some day she wakes up and realizes even though this guy is a "nice guy". He is emotionally not stable and also immature. She needs to date many after med school and concentrate on career.

[Baby123]

Thanks for all your advice.

 

Its nice to hear some people are so kind and humble.

 

RE the age gap, we both know, or tbh we'd be really happy together, its because of this we always hit a brick wall and fight through frustration.

 

When he was at home I thought it was the BS i wanted out of the way but way but in reality me and him have our own issues.

 

That's why we've broken up but i am tempted to give it another go as i miss him badly. I know i shouldn't and its not right but hes became such a big part of my life, and for the last 48 hours whenever I've rang him hes been crying

[BrokenPrincess]

That's why you have to go No Contact!

[findingnemo]

Crying??? This guy has issues. He really shouldn't be burdening you with his problems. Did you say his W is seeing someone else? As in having an A?

[Baby123]

No after he left she started seeing someone else a couple months later.

 

He's a bit of a metrosexual and quite in touch with his emotions

[Baby123]

Sorry but she met her new guy once she started to feel better about herself and the things that happened to her.

 

I don't think my bf should apologise or be called a mess because he's broke up with the girl he loves.

[Baby123]

She did at one point as she went through a bad time but that was months ago.

 

He keeps some contact with her over family and financials and he doesn't want to be overly nasty- but it is minimal... I still find that hard because of my age that he can't cut her out completely (my issue)

[Praying4Peace]

Baby123...

Lets put gender stereotypes aside for a second. Everyone cries, the difference is whats socially acceptable to admit.

 

Does he feel like he left his life, his wife, all he's worked for (for a man that age, he has worked for everything he has and it's their comfort/cushion) for YOU? Because he loved you?

 

I'm not saying that this should change your mind, but you seem to get jealous and question his feelings for you. You feel insecure. If he did that for you it does say something. Usually the MM here gets DOGGED for taking No Action...and now he's being called a wimpy crybaby when he did take the risk?

 

You do what you need to do. If you think it wouldn't work out long term let him know and he can get over it sooner. But beware- there are no guarantees on any relationship. Even a younger guy could cheat on you, take you for granted, not be compatible. All relationships are a risk that they won't work out in the future.

 

He's probably also upset bc due to his actions his wife left him and now you're leaving him. Wife is going to have a field day pointing that out. I feel bad for him but everyone is responsible for their own actions.

 

Take care...maybe you tell him that during your trip you guys go NC so you can think about things and he can deal with things on his end.

[findingnemo]

No after he left she started seeing someone else a couple months later.

 

He's a bit of a metrosexual and quite in touch with his emotions

 

Crying in itself is okay. But you said he'd been crying very time you called him in the last 48 hours. I think more men should get in touch with their emotions. Most of them tend to do unhealthy things instead of simply emoting.

 

He does sound caring. Why do you think he is so sad/depressed? Could it be he feels his life is falling apart? Getting D is very hard on many people. Is it possibly because you are telling him you no longer think you two are a good fit? Could he be feeling like you are abandoning him?

[Baby123]

Praying4peace, a lot of people on here seem to have negative emotions towards MM, and I get that but not all of them are horrible.

 

There relationship was very unhappy, he didn't feel loved, more like a dad and breadwinner. And I guess our R made his decision for him. I didn't deal with being a OW very well, such as when he went home on a night time. I made it clear I wouldn't put up with being a 'side dish,' and he never wanted me to feel undervalued and hidden so we decided the Xmas period was fair for him to do with his fam but after that we could see where our R would take us.

 

I made it clear, that I couldn't commit to more than a regular relationship with regular expectations as breaking up their marriage would be too much of a burden. He has never threw it back in my face, apart from if I claim hes never loved me or cared about me when in a stupid argumentative frame of mind.

 

Its hard to leave because of the long term reasons when in the short term I want nothing but to be with him This time I feel like we've broken up for good.

[findingnemo]

Baby123...

Lets put gender stereotypes aside for a second. Everyone cries, the difference is whats socially acceptable to admit.

 

Does he feel like he left his life, his wife, all he's worked for (for a man that age, he has worked for everything he has and it's their comfort/cushion) for YOU? Because he loved you?

 

I'm not saying that this should change your mind, but you seem to get jealous and question his feelings for you. You feel insecure. If he did that for you it does say something. Usually the MM here gets DOGGED for taking No Action...and now he's being called a wimpy crybaby when he did take the risk?

 

You do what you need to do. If you think it wouldn't work out long term let him know and he can get over it sooner. But beware- there are no guarantees on any relationship. Even a younger guy could cheat on you, take you for granted, not be compatible. All relationships are a risk that they won't work out in the future.

 

He's probably also upset bc due to his actions his wife left him and now you're leaving him. Wife is going to have a field day pointing that out. I feel bad for him but everyone is responsible for their own actions.

 

Take care...maybe you tell him that during your trip you guys go NC so you can think about things and he can deal with things on his end.

 

I should have read your post first, Prayer. Yes, I'm beginning to suspect that he is depressed. I'm not sure if the age thing is such a big deal really. I've known couples work it out quite well. At 44, he isn't that old.

 

Baby, you've explained your issues. Things like dealing with BW and kids - baggage. You are feeling under pressure and rightly realize that these aren't your problems. Because of your age, one can argue that they shouldn't be your problem. However if you love him, his mental health is your problem. Loving someone comes with baggage at any age.

 

Can you postpone your break up until he is in a better place emotionally? Is that possible or are you fed up?

[Baby123]

FindingNemo- I think hes so upset because of me. Nothing to do with his D, as tbh his kids are coping well, financially he can afford paying for 2 households and he doesn't mind that.

 

Hes heartbroken because he has been out of love for so long, and then finally met someone he wanted to be with, did everything as well as he could and we can't help but fight and ruin our relationship.

 

His main worry is about preventing me from doing things, as i'm meant to be moving city in a few months and he feels like he'll be holding me back- wanting me to spend more time with him then I can, so in his mind it is easier to break up, but its still hurtful.

 

Its really hard as both of us want to do right by eachother, which is breaking up. But we still want to be together, but we can't seem to overcome our obstacles. So its a circle.

[Praying4Peace]

FindingNemo- I think hes so upset because of me. Nothing to do with his D, as tbh his kids are coping well, financially he can afford paying for 2 households and he doesn't mind that.

 

Hes heartbroken because he has been out of love for so long, and then finally met someone he wanted to be with, did everything as well as he could and we can't help but fight and ruin our relationship.

 

His main worry is about preventing me from doing things, as i'm meant to be moving city in a few months and he feels like he'll be holding me back- wanting me to spend more time with him then I can, so in his mind it is easier to break up, but its still hurtful.

 

Its really hard as both of us want to do right by eachother, which is breaking up. But we still want to be together, but we can't seem to overcome our obstacles. So its a circle.

 

Don't break up. If you break up now it'll be because of this temporary/rocky period where there are adjustments to be made post D, etc. Mental adjustments, not implying he wants her back or is pining.

 

I noticed you said he's sad that he is holding you back. If I said that to someone I'd want them to assure me that I'd rather be with them than doing anything else, and that I'm not being 'held back'.

 

He sounds very caring and is looking out for your best interests even if its at his own emotional expense. If you can't do that for him (and it sounds like you want to but you are taking everyone's word for it that you two are 'doomed'...there are a lot of cynical people on here just FYI) then that's something you need to realize.

 

Hang in there, no pain no gain.

[Baby123]

Every time we discuss it, I reassure him, that I've been waiting a long time to love someone like this and I value him and will continue to make the effort. Hes worried that if for instance i want to spend a weekend in my new city he might become jelous and possessive and then ruin our relationship and our memories. I can't seem to get the idea out of his head.

 

I think because his BS stopped him from moving out of the UK ect for jobs/opportunites and he resents her for that he really doesn't want to do the same to me.

 

Its a case of us being trying to be to good too eachother, and trying to work everything out all at once instead of enjoying where we are in our R.

 

We are both so greatful for the time we've spent together (we feel lucky) that we don't want to ruin it by arguing more and more but we seem to be in the habit of arguing and hes put some barriers up and I can't seem to get them all the way back down.