Just dont know what to think of his choice in OW

[tinam]

I haven't seen her yet. But kids met her over the weekend tell me she's very nice but she's 6 years older than my husband has 6 kids. Had to hear how playful they were hitting each other with towel in the kitchen. I know they don't mean to hurt me but that's all stuff we used to do. Im so confused. The main reason he gave me for leaving was because i haven't worked much the past few years and he's felt it all on his shoulders. Now i feel he meets this older woman who i find out he's known for a year through work leaves me lives right in with her and is ready for someone to pamper and take care of him now. Selfish. Ass.i might be stretching. Just so strange.would think he'd leave me for a young chippy. I don't know what's worse. With that i think i would be able to think its a phase. This could be real. This is just so hard. I want my life back.

[trippi1432]

Hi Tina - Can I ask you one favor, so we can help you and keep the healing process going, can you post in just one of your threads. It will help you later when you need to go back and read things to keep your resolve up. Everything gets dis-jointed with multiple threads.

[GuyInLimbo]

Control over your life is up to you, not him. When you stop letting what he does bother you, that's when it starts. Stop looking for reasons and answers through his actions. My memory doesn't serve me well, so I don't recall how long you've been separated/divorced. But, it does seem your XH is in a rush. One should always take the time with a new partner before introducing the kids to them. You see this all the time. So many people who get divorced are so ill-prepared for what they need to take care of post-divorce. No wonder the failure rate for 2nd marriages is so high.

 

Anyway, you need to stop worrying about him and worry about yourself instead.

[tinam]

Control over your life is up to you, not him. When you stop letting what he does bother you, that's when it starts. Stop looking for reasons and answers through his actions. My memory doesn't serve me well, so I don't recall how long you've been separated/divorced. But, it does seem your XH is in a rush. One should always take the time with a new partner before introducing the kids to them. You see this all the time. So many people who get divorced are so ill-prepared for what they need to take care of post-divorce. No wonder the failure rate for 2nd marriages is so high.

 

Anyway, you need to stop worrying about him and worry about yourself instead.

 

Its only been almost 3 weeks. He stayed with his father at first then don't know if he said he had to leave quite possible or just wanted to but he moved in with her in her apartment and 6 kids cat and dog.

You are right. I keep telling myself that exact thing to stop trying to figure out why and what i could have done differently .i know i loved him with everything i have and more. There's nothing else to do but try and heal one day hell one minute at a time. Easier said than done from one minute to the next though.

[GuyInLimbo]

Wow. 3 weeks. That's incredibly foolish. He should not be introducing the kids to her so soon. He's in for a rude awakening, IMO.

[Mr. Lucky]

Wow. 3 weeks. That's incredibly foolish. He should not be introducing the kids to her so soon. He's in for a rude awakening, IMO.

And the kids, whose heads are already spinning, are further confused with "Dad left Mom for her, and now he's dumped her...". Puts a lot of pressure on the stable parent to explain things and set the right example...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Simpleoldschool]

TINAM

 

you have your life. what will you really be getting back.

 

your life is about your own choices. Have fun, please.

[dreamingoftigers]

Omg, so he's playing "substitute Dad" for her six kids.

 

Ugh. Tinam. I feel so bad for your situation.

 

The positive I see is that he's really showing the kids how self-destructive he is and that they won't put the marital blame on you. IME the mom usually gets blamed at least at first. Not in this case. They'll really end up resenting this.

 

And you'll find someone better. Jeez, you could trip over a drunk homeless guy in the street and have a more stable mate.

[imtooconfused]

Jeez, you could trip over a drunk homeless guy in the street and have a more stable mate.

 

For the record... I don't think that would be my recommendation.

[Yasuandio]

Lighten up. Dot is being facetious.

[imtooconfused]

Lighten up. Dot is being facetious.

 

If I recall correctly, so was I.

[Steen719]

Of course, no one knows the future, but that does not seem like a situation that will be enduring. That may not help your feelings right now, but I just don't see this as a long lasting situation. I feel for you; I really do. You have had the rug pulled out from under you and now he is playing house with a woman who has 6 kids? What a wingnut. He is, oh so, going to regret this and look back on his behavior and realize he was nuts.

Do your very best to go forward. You can't change what is happening. This woman will never take your place as Mom and her prize is a cheater who will most likely tire of having some responsibility for 6 kids as well as his own. Cry when you need to; it is cathartic. Spend time with family and friends and I know it doesn't seem so right now, but you will feel better. You will.

[tinam]

Thanks for the replies! They made me smile. I had an ok day. Then plumbing messed up. Can't even use water. Microwave broke. Went to vacume smelt something burning. That's broke too. What else!!! Feel like im gonna snap. Still so tired. Finally made a Dr apt . Don't wanna get on meds. Just so shaky. Haven't eaten slept 3 weeks almost. I make myself eat Feel good then feel sick and lose it and threw up. How do you make a Dr app to be tested for stds when you thought your life was set and honestly thought this was gonna be the lsdt man for the rest of your life. So gross. His ow is almost 7 years older than him. 6 kids!! Had no problem sleeping with a married msn with kids. They are both so disgusting. 2 of my kids said they lost all respect for daddy. And i haven't said a word. BREAKS MY HEART! WE were s normal family few 3 weeks ago so freaky what happened I miss him so much

[Techie Artist]

Thanks for the replies! They made me smile. I had an ok day. Then plumbing messed up. Can't even use water. Microwave broke. Went to vacume smelt something burning. That's broke too. What else!!! Feel like im gonna snap. Still so tired. Finally made a Dr apt . Don't wanna get on meds. Just so shaky. Haven't eaten slept 3 weeks almost. I make myself eat Feel good then feel sick and lose it and threw up. How do you make a Dr app to be tested for stds when you thought your life was set and honestly thought this was gonna be the lsdt man for the rest of your life. So gross. His ow is almost 7 years older than him. 6 kids!! Had no problem sleeping with a married msn with kids. They are both so disgusting. 2 of my kids said they lost all respect for daddy. And i haven't said a word. BREAKS MY HEART! WE were s normal family few 3 weeks ago so freaky what happened I miss him so much

 

The enemy is trying to steal your sanity and focus. Things can be fixed. People need to be nurtured. Your kids who've expressed losing respect need counseling. If you don't have a way to make that happen, I recommend a religious leader or a family services consult.

 

It sounds like you're missing the conveniences he offered...like being able to fix the plumbing or vacuum. That's why the breakdowns are so annoying. They remind you of what you have to do for yourself now. You say you miss him, and you probably miss the good times...but you certainly aren't missing the fear of STDs. Be glad you're rid of him and the "loaded gun" he brought to your bed in the way of another woman.

[trippi1432]

Hi Tina - Can I ask you one favor, so we can help you and keep the healing process going, can you post in just one of your threads. It will help you later when you need to go back and read things to keep your resolve up. Everything gets dis-jointed with multiple threads.

 

So this is why I asked you do to this? One side is just drama....he hurt you and you need to heal..on four threads now. The other side is preparing for what is to come. Four threads you are running.....and no one can help you. Get your thoughts into one thread...where do you want to begin?

[dreamingoftigers]

For the record... I don't think that would be my recommendation.

 

Lighten up. Dot is being facetious.

 

If I recall correctly, so was I.

 

LOL guys

 

I once used a line similar on my husband when we were separating. I told him that he had been such an awful partner that I could randomly trip over a homeless drunk in the street and that he would make a better partner. But then I told him that I didn't like to make the same mistake twice.

 

He sees the humor now. I think.

[dreamingoftigers]

I can tell you what I would think:

- she had little morals

- she is someone I would NOT want exposed to my children considering she has no regard for family.

- she has little self esteem and not much brains to go after a married man being older and having more money. Yet has a huge entitlement complex thinking cash can essentially buy her a mate with kids.

 

But I would also think:

- the best revenge on her is letting her keep that sorry sack of crap who has so low a price, so little regard for family, and such a huge ego.

 

And because we are being honest here:

Having six kids and thinking you don't have to work if your husband isn't making at least six figures was a horrid idea. It would have been in your best interest to limit your kids to an affordable number if you wanted to be an at home mom. With a burden that huge of COURSE the hubby would get resentful. That doesn't mean what he did was right, but he SHOULD have given you the talk before leaving: "you have four months to get a job or I'm gone!"

 

Not working when there are that many dependents is inexcusable.

 

Good thing she only had 3.

 

But with OW's kids, he can now disappoint twice as many under one roof.

[trippi1432]

My first inclination is that the man is a total a**clown and watched too many Brady Bunch reruns.....

 

But seriously..in the infamous words of a dear departed friend..the man is a total f(cktard...we compared a**clown to f(ckard once..really wasn't much difference.

 

Pick a thread Tina..if you want to take it seriously, pick a thread. Granted your husband has won the sh*t of the year award.....6 kids??? Serve him tomorrow!!

[trippi1432]

I stand corrected!

 

My apologies, between all the threads I'm getting confused!

 

Agreed...........///

[dreamingoftigers]

I stand corrected!

 

My apologies, between all the threads I'm getting confused!

 

Now as much as Tinam's stbxhusband is!

 

He can't even figure out how old he is, who he should be a father to, which house he has a responsibility to and for some reason living with the OW and pushing her onto his kids is a good idea.

 

This guy is the walking manual of "what not to do."

 

They are going to make a TV series about it called "How I Met My Obvious and Blatant Demise." Granted it doesn't quite have the same ring as "How I Met Your Mother."

[tinam]

I can tell you what I would think:

- she had little morals

- she is someone I would NOT want exposed to my children considering she has no regard for family.

- she has little self esteem and not much brains to go after a married man being older and having more money. Yet has a huge entitlement complex thinking cash can essentially buy her a mate with kids.

 

But I would also think:

- the best revenge on her is letting her keep that sorry sack of crap who has so low a price, so little regard for family, and such a huge ego.

 

And because we are being honest here:

Having six kids and thinking you don't have to work if your husband isn't making at least six figures was a horrid idea. It would have been in your best interest to limit your kids to an affordable number if you wanted to be an at home mom. With a burden that huge of COURSE the hubby would get resentful. That doesn't mean what he did was right, but he SHOULD have given you the talk before leaving: "you have four months to get a job or I'm gone!"

 

Not working when there are that many dependents is inexcusable.

 

I don't know if im reading this wrong because im so tired. Im not the one with 6 kids. His OWis. I am working. Just very part time. There was always a reason. No second car something and he knew it. I wasn't trying to be a stay at home mom and have him support me. But yes at any rate whatever the case i did deserve him to talk to me and tell me what was on his mind before it went this far.

[tinam]

So this is why I asked you do to this? One side is just drama....he hurt you and you need to heal..on four threads now. The other side is preparing for what is to come. Four threads you are running.....and no one can help you. Get your thughts into one thread...where do you want to begin?

 

Sorry kinda new to it. Just post when something on my mind. Everyone's been so helpful. Didn't know it mattered to stay in one post.

[trippi1432]

Not a problem Tina, I know it's all coming at you fast too. Keeping it all to one thread helps to not to have to go back and explain it all over again for people wanting to help and offer their support. If you lose track of your thread, you can click on your username and go to the tab statistics to find your posts and threads you have started. That may be of some help.

 

Hope today is a better day for you Hun.

[dreamingoftigers]

When I start posting my own threads, I tend to do two or three at a time.

 

Often whatever I am dealing with is overwhelming in more than one way.

 

I can see the OW topic being separate from the devastation and kids issue.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi:)

 

First of all, I admire how much strength you've shown in coping with all this (even if perhaps at the moment you don't think you have), and from your posts it truly seems that you're a great mom, wife & person, so I have confidence that even though things are really tough now, you will in the near future, after some time&healing, find happiness!

 

I think others have given great advice, so I'd just like to echo/voice two more things (bear in mind that I have little experience from the "adult" side of this):

1.) When and insofar as possible (given time, money, ..., limits), try to make sure both you and the kids still do as much fun things as possible (together, separately (you with your friends, they with theirs)), just to have time to stop thinking about all this and just have some fun, mentally and physically recharge.

 

2.) You've mentioned that you didn't say anything when the kids said they lost respect for their dad.

 

I would strongly encourage you to consider (within your financial means etc.) seeking:

- professional help, for example counselling or a support group (perhaps there are some free/pro bono), for both you and your kids. They need someone experienced and more objective/neutral to help them deal with all this, so that they will come out of all this as unscathed as possible, so it won't mess them up...

- also, encourage them to talk to their friends (if they can trust them) and/or perhaps adult figures in their lives whom you all trust (maybe relatives, family friends,...).

 

It's important for them to have some help in making some sense of this, in surviving this as healthy/functional as possible. The mere loss of respect for one parent is an event alone warranting professional help for kids, not to mention other things that have happened.

 

- the same goes from you, it's important that you get as much good advice as possible as to how handle this, how to blow off steam to enable you to hold yourself together and remain a stable positive influence for your kids etc. So in addition to counselling/support groups/friends, thing about reading books with advice on how to deal with this mess.

 

And lastly (for now:)), try to read the threads of others in this section and the "infidelity" section, there are many excellent threads here with awesome people posting awesome advice.

 

For example, I really recommend reading threads from Shocking Suzie, it is truly admirable and awesome how she's handling her situation, so I hope you will find good advice and inspiiration in her threads, as well as others'.

 

Best wishes to you and the kids!