Just dont know what to think of his choice in OW

[Shocked Suzie]

:o:o thank you CW I'm appreciate your comment and am flattered...only wish I had as much admiration for myself as many days as I slip backwards I manage to drag myself forward... I see this strength in TIna and I know she can do this too, even if she doesn't see it herself YET! Think she needs a lil anger inside her first

 

Tina calvin has given great advice here, the important on here is counseling for you and just as importantly your children. Also 'maybe' your sister of a good family friend can be a ear for your kids..for them to express how they feel...this need to be someone who is able not to pass personal judgment on the whole situation.

 

 

I hope today 'whenever your in day lol' is a better day, set aside time to see your doctor for counseling advice for you guys

 

Xxx one again thank you Calvin's wagon I'm flattered and your kind words give me strength and helps my rather knocked self esteem

Edited May 29, 2013 by Shocked Suzie

[trippi1432]

Tina - there are some free resources to help you through this as well, I think Shocked Suzie stated it somewhere. There is a group called Divorce Care that is typically offered through local churches. It's not based on religion, it helps you through the steps of the divorce process and healing. It's a good support network of others going through the same thing.

 

And I do hope that you didn't feel I was criticizing on the multiple threads, just don't want you to miss good advice someone might post on the earlier ones.

Edited May 30, 2013 by trippi1432

[imtooconfused]

LOL guys

 

I once used a line similar on my husband when we were separating. I told him that he had been such an awful partner that I could randomly trip over a homeless drunk in the street and that he would make a better partner. But then I told him that I didn't like to make the same mistake twice.

 

He sees the humor now. I think.

 

Sarcasm has gotten me more trouble than laughs. It's more often misinterpreted.

[stillafool]

I haven't seen her yet. But kids met her over the weekend tell me she's very nice but she's 6 years older than my husband has 6 kids. Had to hear how playful they were hitting each other with towel in the kitchen. I know they don't mean to hurt me but that's all stuff we used to do. Im so confused. The main reason he gave me for leaving was because i haven't worked much the past few years and he's felt it all on his shoulders. Now i feel he meets this older woman who i find out he's known for a year through work leaves me lives right in with her and is ready for someone to pamper and take care of him now. Selfish. Ass.i might be stretching. Just so strange.would think he'd leave me for a young chippy. I don't know what's worse. With that i think i would be able to think its a phase. This could be real. This is just so hard. I want my life back.

 

I don't know how he expects to be pampered when this woman has 6 kids to care for. Not much pampering left for him. I'm so sorry for what you are going through and it must be so painful. I wonder how he will respond when you meet a man and have him over for dinner with the kids? Maybe then he will get a taste of his own medicine. I know you aren't ready for anything like that but too bad as this would really burn his sack. Just try to take care of yourself.

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't know how he expects to be pampered when this woman has 6 kids to care for. Not much pampering left for him. I'm so sorry for what you are going through and it must be so painful. I wonder how he will respond when you meet a man and have him over for dinner with the kids? Maybe then he will get a taste of his own medicine. I know you aren't ready for anything like that but too bad as this would really burn his sack. Just try to take care of yourself.

 

Ouch!

"Roasted nuts! Get your roasted nuts right here!"

 

Honestly, it seems like one of those "I don't want to have any sense whatsoever at all" situations. Honestly. He can't keep a commitment to his own family, or hold his children's interests in mind. How in the world is this cracker-jack baby-factory woman going to put up with the callous way he will treat her kids?

 

Or is she the plop em' out and let them figure it out kind of woman? I mean, she is obviously pretty impulsive. She let him move in right after leaving his marriage. That's RARELY bright.

 

I would feel soooo out of place just moving in with six kids in that fashion. It would just be waaaayyy too weird. Those kids haven't had a chance to adjust either. And they must know what he did to his own family. As a kid, I was really leery of people like that. (But I was also a really weird kid).

[dreamingoftigers]

Hey Tinam you are two posts away from PM status.

 

How are things?

[Shocked Suzie]

Hey Tinam you are two posts away from PM status.

 

How are things?

 

Was thinking the same...

[whichwayisup]

So, he has landed himself an older woman, with 6 kids and a cat. I say, pack up the rest of his stuff, (shove it garbage bags or boxes) and tell him to come pick it up. Talk to a lawyer and let him know you're filing for divorce. Wish him a happy life with his girlfriend. And then smile. He is in SUCH a fog, he has no clue. He thinks life is gonna be grand over there? An instant family with kids he doesn't know, let alone love. Hey I say just wait it out and see what happens. go about your own life, keep busy, go be with your friends, family and most of all, love your kids and tell them no matter what happens, everything will be okay. YOU are the stable parent right now, not your wandering peckerhead (ex)H.

 

I give this thing with the OW less than 3 months before he wakes up and begs you to allow him to come home. When that time comes, do not let him move back in. Do marriage counseling and make him earn that second chance IF you are willing to allow him back. If not, go ahead and file for divorce, but still do the counseling with him as it'll just help your kids and for you two co parent together (though apart).

[tinam]

Hey Tinam you are two posts away from PM status.

 

How are things?

 

Hello. I've just been in such a funk. Barely even getting on the computer. I haven't had any contact with him in almost 2 weeks. I wasn't home when he picked kids up on Wednesday. And last night he just dropped them off and drive off. I wasn't sure which i wanted him to do. My son(12) said he was talking to him on way home asking if he left me for her he said no wed had some fights, so not true. Whatever makes him feel better. And that even if it don't work out with her we won't get back together and he don't want them getting their hopes up. My daughter (11) was upset cause she missed him and said didntbget any alone time with him cause her kids were playing with them getting too whatever they were doing. Apparently she does have 6 kids but only 2 live with her same age as mine. The others grown and moved out. Just getting exhausting to try and stay strong.

[Shocked Suzie]

Hello. I've just been in such a funk. Barely even getting on the computer. I haven't had any contact with him in almost 2 weeks. I wasn't home when he picked kids up on Wednesday. And last night he just dropped them off and drive off. I wasn't sure which i wanted him to do. My son(12) said he was talking to him on way home asking if he left me for her he said no wed had some fights, so not true. Whatever makes him feel better. And that even if it don't work out with her we won't get back together and he don't want them getting their hopes up. My daughter (11) was upset cause she missed him and said didntbget any alone time with him cause her kids were playing with them getting too whatever they were doing. Apparently she does have 6 kids but only 2 live with her same age as mine. The others grown and moved out. Just getting exhausting to try and stay strong.

 

Hi TIna thanks for the update

 

Wouldn't surprise me that soon your kids will say they dont want to go over there...he is such a fool pushing all this on them so soon!

 

The less contact the easier it becomes...I hope you settle soon, remember you have had a lot to deal with in a short time...you are doing very well! You do have strength xx

[tinam]

Hi TIna thanks for the update

 

Wouldn't surprise me that soon your kids will say they dont want to go over there...he is such a fool pushing all this on them so soon!

 

The less contact the easier it becomes...I hope you settle soon, remember you have had a lot to deal with in a short time...you are doing very well! You do have strength xx

 

Yes. My oldest (17) already has. He wanted them from Wednesday to the weekend and my oldest said he didn't want to go. He's completely taken over as protector for us all. It shouldn't be on him because he's grieving too. When i told him he didn't want to go he asks why? Really? He really thinks there all just ok with this. I said talk to him. I did pack up all his cloths he didn't take. He didn't take them fir some reading. I came home his cds were gone but not the 2 bags i packed. I wish he'd take it all. Its like little punches in the gut with him taking a little at a time. I think im strong and doing ok then get knocked back down with a memory. There everywhere!

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes. My oldest (17) already has. He wanted them from Wednesday to the weekend and my oldest said he didn't want to go. He's completely taken over as protector for us all. It shouldn't be on him because he's grieving too. When i told him he didn't want to go he asks why? Really? He really thinks there all just ok with this. I said talk to him. I did pack up all his cloths he didn't take. He didn't take them fir some reading. I came home his cds were gone but not the 2 bags i packed. I wish he'd take it all. Its like little punches in the gut with him taking a little at a time. I think im strong and doing ok then get knocked back down with a memory. There everywhere!

 

Toss out the clothes or put them in the garage.

 

Your stbxh is brain dead. Seriously. As if he has to ask why his oldest doesn't want to go over there.

 

I'm sorry Tinam "the fog is deep with this one."

 

I honestly can't see it working out between them at all. If he's this obtuse with your kids, there's no way he's going to be able to impress the impulsive dopey women.

 

But they are going to probably wait awhile before they break-up. They have to save face, right. Because they're "soul mates" that "gave up everything for one another." You know, like the well-being of your children.

[trippi1432]

Hi Tina - of course your son is going to step up, he sees the lucidity for what it is. My son was 15 and he felt he needed to step up as the "man if the house". He's almost 18 now and still feels that way to some extent over three years later. I had to chuckle when he asked me my plans for the weekend and I told him I had a date..."with who??" Was his stern reply. Just remember that you are still mom and those parenting duties belong to you because, no matter the age, our sons first instinct is to step up and protect. They need to go through their grieving too.

 

We're you able to find any DivorceCare resources in your area? I didn't follow through with it, but I wish I had, would have helped in the healing process.

[Shocked Suzie]

Yes. My oldest (17) already has. He wanted them from Wednesday to the weekend and my oldest said he didn't want to go. He's completely taken over as protector for us all. It shouldn't be on him because he's grieving too. When i told him he didn't want to go he asks why? Really? He really thinks there all just ok with this. I said talk to him. I did pack up all his cloths he didn't take. He didn't take them fir some reading. I came home his cds were gone but not the 2 bags i packed. I wish he'd take it all. Its like little punches in the gut with him taking a little at a time. I think im strong and doing ok then get knocked back down with a memory. There everywhere!

 

Dump it all in bags and leave it outside your house, if it gets taken then tough...text him and tell him where it all is and for him to take it or it gets dumped...I did this and it feels good...remember gain some control for your self worth xxx

[Cierra351]

Oops, sorry...posted in wrong thread.

Edited June 7, 2013 by Cierra351
mistake, sorry

[tinam]

Hi Tina - of course your son is going to step up, he sees the lucidity for what it is. My son was 15 and he felt he needed to step up as the "man if the house". He's almost 18 now and still feels that way to some extent over three years later. I had to chuckle when he asked me my plans for the weekend and I told him I had a date..."with who??" Was his stern reply. Just remember that you are still mom and those parenting duties belong to you because, no matter the age, our sons first instinct is to step up and protect. They need to go through their grieving too.

 

We're you able to find any DivorceCare resources in your area? I didn't follow through with it, but I wish I had, would have helped in the healing process.

 

No i haven't looked into any divorce care yet. I know i need to. I plan on opening my own bank account next week and having my direct deposit switched. So far he's still paying everything and hasn't said anything. Im saving every dime for if it cones time when he starts getting really sh*tty . I put his bags in the shed. I know im too nice. Should just set them outside. Trying real hard not to be bitter in front of the kids. Boxed up books n misc he missed. It was hard and i cried the whole time but its nice not going in my room and seeing it. Slept in my bed the other night for the first time but it was tough. Slept other direction. Its been 1 month today. It has gotten easier just still so hard. Dr. Gave me very low dose of xanex a week ago. I've only taken 1 Im trying to cope on my own best i can. It still hits me all the time how is he not here and with someone else laughing holding hands being happy when i so very much thought we were. Just don't get it. I try not to. Cause probably never Will.

[dreamingoftigers]

No i haven't looked into any divorce care yet. I know i need to. I plan on opening my own bank account next week and having my direct deposit switched. So far he's still paying everything and hasn't said anything. Im saving every dime for if it cones time when he starts getting really sh*tty . I put his bags in the shed. I know im too nice. Should just set them outside. Trying real hard not to be bitter in front of the kids. Boxed up books n misc he missed. It was hard and i cried the whole time but its nice not going in my room and seeing it. Slept in my bed the other night for the first time but it was tough. Slept other direction. Its been 1 month today. It has gotten easier just still so hard. Dr. Gave me very low dose of xanex a week ago. I've only taken 1 Im trying to cope on my own best i can. It still hits me all the time how is he not here and with someone else laughing holding hands being happy when i so very much thought we were. Just don't get it. I try not to. Cause probably never Will.

 

I did this too.

 

This will take a bit. You won't be better after a month. Give it at least two more before things start to lift. It's called a deep limbic injury. Actual trauma to the emotional center of your brain.

 

Here's something mildly related. Don't get hit in the gut with the "save you marriage" stuff. You've already been through enough and should hang up the superhero cape for a couple days.

 

?Relief Divorce??Don?t Fall In To The Trap « Couples Therapy and Marriage Counseling in Menlo Park and Palo Alto

 

I've read about it in journals and training manuals and so forth. Things start to heal up much better around the 6 month mark. Exercise helps markedly. So do leafy greens. Eat your darn greens!:bunny:

[imtooconfused]

Here's something mildly related. Don't get hit in the gut with the "save you marriage" stuff. You've already been through enough and should hang up the superhero cape for a couple days.

 

The rubbish in that article is just that, garbage. It doesn't apply in this case. Irreconcilable differences. The bridges have been burned. Almost not even worth bringing up lest you cloud the mind.

[dreamingoftigers]

The rubbish in that article is just that, garbage. It doesn't apply in this case. Irreconcilable differences. The bridges have been burned. Almost not even worth bringing up lest you cloud the mind.

 

All I really wanted to exhibit from the article is the limbic functioning.

 

It's really an ad for a counseling office.

 

I'll post better quality next time.

 

Sorry.

[dreamingoftigers]

All I really wanted to exhibit from the article is the limbic functioning.

 

It's really an ad for a counseling office.

 

I'll post better quality next time.

 

Sorry.

 

Yeah, Tinam. I wasn't saying to try to "save anything" seriously.

 

Just let him do his own self-destruction. But understand that the limbic system goes through shock over abandonment and it takes 6ish months to form a new equilibrium

 

If you are really wanting something fun to read there's always "The Brain that Changes Itself."

[Shocked Suzie]

No i haven't looked into any divorce care yet. I know i need to. I plan on opening my own bank account next week and having my direct deposit switched. So far he's still paying everything and hasn't said anything. Im saving every dime for if it cones time when he starts getting really sh*tty . I put his bags in the shed. I know im too nice. Should just set them outside. Trying real hard not to be bitter in front of the kids. Boxed up books n misc he missed. It was hard and i cried the whole time but its nice not going in my room and seeing it. Slept in my bed the other night for the first time but it was tough. Slept other direction. Its been 1 month today. It has gotten easier just still so hard. Dr. Gave me very low dose of xanex a week ago. I've only taken 1 Im trying to cope on my own best i can. It still hits me all the time how is he not here and with someone else laughing holding hands being happy when i so very much thought we were. Just don't get it. I try not to. Cause probably never Will.

 

 

The shed is fine, just clear everything you can think of that he will want to collect put it all in the shed and when he asks for it tell him it's in the shed...your doing great Tina...and yes you will probably never know why...I won't either...all you need to know that you, I and others like us will get there it's just gonna take some time ....never forget what your husband and my husband has done is wrong, selfish and heartless....they are not worth straining your brain over!! I know it's hard not to..I still do it, but it's not as hard now.

 

You doing great, just need to box clever...don't bit the hand that feeds you, if he's paying for stuff let him, cream off all you can you will need ever $$$ for when it stops!