ready2moveon26 Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 My husband and I were married 4 years and were together for 6. Actually, we are still married, but have been seperated for 7 months. We've had good times and bad. He has been an a**h*** and I've been a bitch. We love one another, but can't remain married. We've become MUCH closer friends since we've been seperated. We have a 4 year old daughter together and she is our world. He is becoming more responsible and more reliable. He is getting his life together which I think is VERY good for him. I am doing the same. I've gotten a new job, which I love and I'm going back to college to get another degree. We discussed a lot in the last few days and admit to one another that we love one another but can't remain married because of all the other "crap". Love is great, but it isnt' everything. Now that we're friends and we're sepereated, we can talk about EVERYTHING! There is NO jealousy there and we aren't scared of "losing" one another. We will always be friends, and not just because we have a child together, but because we were friends before we were married. It is a GREAT feeling knowing that I have a friend that knows me as well as, if not better than I know myself. He feels the same way. So if you are going through a divorce, or dissolution (which I am) and can still be friends with your ex-spouse, I really reccomend it. It helps knowing that there is someone on your "side". Eventhough, it is the person you are parting legal marriage from, it is great. You are NOT a loser or a quitter if you are going through this. You are looking to find your happiness. I wish you all luck, and I'll keep all those interested updated on my life. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 you are so lucky!! whatever it is you're doing keep it up. maybe your to be X could give some lessons to some of the rest of our's that are out there? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ready2moveon26 Posted October 4, 2004 Author Share Posted October 4, 2004 I am very lucky, but please know that it wasn't easy getting to this point. It was very hard. If you are going through the hard stuff right now, know that someday, it could get to the point I'm at now. It's something to look forward to...kinda like the silver lining of the cloud. I feel SO relieved right now. It is like a HUGE weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 we've been divorced for over 2 years and i don't see that we'll ever be friends. we have gotten to the point where we can be friendly, but sad to say i think that's as far as it will go. the decisions he's made and his inability to put the kids first have, i think, permanently damaged my desire to be friends with him. i have, however, stayed friendly with most of my other exs from before i got married. so i know it's possible, i wish and had hoped that it would work that way with him as well, but i'm no longer very hopeful. and i'm sure he'd say that's as much my fault as his. and i'll admit that i'm sure i had a role in it! Link to post Share on other sites
lostgirl26 Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 See that is lucky. I posted on a different thread but I'll jump in. I know in my heart what I feel is right I just don't have the courage to do it. I am not afraid of being alone, or of how angry and hurt he will be. I guess I just can't fathom making some one feel that way or that I haven't tried hard enough when I really have or that its me who failed the realtionship for giving up...... This feeling sucks! Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted October 5, 2004 Share Posted October 5, 2004 lost, yes that feeling does suck and it tends to immobilize us when we're trying to make the decision of whether to stay or go. if you do decide to leave, don't make the mistake that i made. i felt so awful about hurting my ex that i caved in to a lot of things in the settlement. plus i just wanted out and didn't feel like arguing over every little thing. so... just protect yourself and do what's right for you. it's obviously not an easy decision but if i remember from your other post...no kids? so at least you don't have to worry about all of that. come to find out even though my ex was hurt he moved on very quickly and is getting married again next year. he started dating before the final papers were done and i sometimes wonder if the "hurt" he expressed was all real or if it was just to make me feel guilty. not everyone heals that quickly and actually even though i had asked i wasn't ready to start dating for a while, i wanted to focus on my kids and make sure they're ok. giving up or perhaps giving in to what you know is right for you, and possibly for him to, is hard to admit to yourself. and there's all those feelings of having failed at something you thought was so right. i worried what other people would say, i worried that they'd think less of me, i worried that i'd lose some mutual friends. i worried about everything. and in the end, i don't know that people said too much. they asked me why and did ask me why i didn't try harder but i politely answered them that i'd given it all i could and couldn't give anymore. nobody thought less of me. my ex played the martyr for a while and everyone felt sorry for him until they started to see what was really going on. and i didn't lose any of the friends i really cared about. it all took some time, but 2+ years later, my life is in tact and in spite of my ups and downs, i'm still happier now than i was then. take care of you....no one else will. Link to post Share on other sites
lostgirl26 Posted October 7, 2004 Share Posted October 7, 2004 izzybelle, Thanks for the words of comfort, I think you hit the nail on the head. I too worry that if I am to leave that he would do something stupid like sleeping with someone else before the papers are final just to get back at me. Except I have done everything in my power and I know at this point to make it work and at his age(he is 5yrs older) that he will not change. I feel bad that his upbringing along with himself that he cannot come to terms with the issues that plague him. I cannot force him to get help or talk to anyone and I can only stand to talk about it for so long. Essentially other than the situation itself, there is nothing that ties me to anything. I have no family in this area, don't particularly care for it and have only one semi close friend. I am torn between staying because I like my job, or moving to where my parents are. I don't have a college education so it will be hard for me to find something that I like, not to mention I am half way to 30 and have no clue what I want to do in life. I am not a good learner so jumping in to some college courses will not really be an option for me. Which way do I go, which way do I go?! I am trying to stay strong, I am grateful at this point that I don't have children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ready2moveon26 Posted October 14, 2004 Author Share Posted October 14, 2004 Whenever I'm feeling bad about my situation or feeling lonely, I can always count on my husband to talk to. We seem to talk about everything these days. He is taking responsibility for our daughter and is doing very well with that. I think he'll be OK. Hopefully...he'll be OK, so I'll be OK Link to post Share on other sites
lostgirl26 Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 ready, You mean you are talking to your ex and that he is finally coming around? Well thats good, I am glad to hear that at least someone's life is going well. I am unfortunetly plagued by a mild condition of bipolar and it can really get to me sometimes. I have had it with talking to therapists and my husband is just making things worse with his stupid decisions. Acting so much like a child, but I will not bow to his level and keep praying for the house to sell so that I can just make a break and begin to feel normal and happy again. My live(s) work and home seem to be running together. Its hard to keep them separated. I find myself either coming in upset because of a fight with him in the morning or coming in fine and either him or something minor making me furious by the end of the day. Feeling this way sucks and it annoys me that I do feel like this more than anything. Link to post Share on other sites
lostgirl26 Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 ready, Disregard that first sentence in my reply, lord I am seeing things wrong I had to go back and re read your first post. Link to post Share on other sites
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