Back to more than just friends....?

[Rayne84]

Hey all, new to the forums. Feeling like I have to post as I believe my own analyzations of the matter don't seem to be keeping me on track.

 

I'll try to make this as short as possible. Me and this fellow, (we'll refer to him as "B") have known each other very well for 6 years since high school. We're both 20 now. We were pretty much inseperable friends from the start, and for two years in high school, everyone and their mother (even my mother!) told me how he liked me and was interested in more. Well, I didn't feel the same for him at the point...but he remained a very good, fun friend and never "told" me how he felt, (though he wasn't entirely unobvious either.) Well, eventually he really grew on me (trust me, he's a great guy ) and very slowly feelings started building up for him. I guess he was able to sense that, for pretty much once I was sure in my own mind that I did harbor feelings for him, he told me how he felt...and BOOM we were together...apparently everyone else had seen it coming so the general consensus was "Well, finally..."

 

We were together for about another two years. The first year we got along really well, but in the second problems started to arise. I was his first girlfriend, and although I had had other boyfriends, they were on a much smaller scale; so in short we were very inexperienced on communicating. My biggest problem was definitely telling B what I wanted/needed, somehow I always ASSumed he'd be able to figure it out! Eventually, are fairly small issues snowballed, communication further deteriorated, and we were both very unhappy. We both really closed ourselves off to one another; and while I still loved him very much I just didn't see an end to it. He broke it off, claiming that he didn't love me anymore and that we weren't right for each other. Well, I was pretty devastated, but not all that surprised. He was nice about it though, and listen to me whine and cry that day and the day afterwards. I kept asking him to come back or if he saw us ever getting back together...he said that if we ever did it wouldn't be for a long time. However, after that i knew that was the last way to get him back, so I stopped for the most part.

 

The next few months after that were hard. We remained friends, which was probably not a good idea. It's hard too, because we had all the same friends so we always saw each other. That, and he was holding a lot of guilt and kept "making sure I was okay"...and kept thinking that eventually I'd stop being nice to him and hate his guts and spread nasty rumors all about the town. Well, I didn't do that either. He wasn't seeing anyone else, so I had no reason to hate him. However, I soon came to realize that I was taking every attempt of his to be friends totally out of porportion, and about 3 months after the breakup I retty much went dark on him; I had to. I concentrated on work and school, and always let him contact me. He did a lot at first, then it slowly died down. I was able to move on from him, though I always still cared about him. I saw some other people off and on...even started dating a close friend of his for a few weeks (bad move, I know..but there was genuine feelings there.) He never saw anyone else, to my knowledge.

 

About 9 months ago or so we start seeing each other more in group social situations, but not much past that. We were always very polite, but fairly distant. Starting in about April though, he started instigating talking and hanging out on our own more. He also began to get very flirty with me, which is not something he does with most girls (he's not really the girl-chaser type..he's always been a loner.) I took that with a grain of salt mostly, and just enjoyed hanging out. We've always been very easily able to talk for hours about anything or have a blast doing some mundane, stupid activity...guess that came from being friends for so many years first. So, I was just able to hang out with B and have fun, no strings attached. As the summer continued, we continued to see each other more(and more..) and occasionally have long 2-3 hour phone conversations (nothing relationship related), which was cool but also confusing...he was the one calling each time, by the way. Back last October a mutual friend had asked me if I ever saw myself and B getting back together...since I was in my "getting over him" phase I said no, and the friend simply nodded. In June, this same friend mentioned that he had been talking to B the other day, and then asked me the same question again, to which I replied "No" again (half believeing it, half not); to which my friend responded with a shocked "You really think so?" B and this friend are not terribly close, so I tried not to think about it...but I did, because judging from B's pursuing behavior, he could have been having second thoughts. Well, I wasn't going to be wasting my time with that...being close friends was doing well for me now. As the summer came to a close, we probably hung out and talked with each other more than with anyone else, really.

 

Then, since school has started up we've become truly inseperable again. It was almost unintentional, but we spend almost all of our weekend time together; and several times on weekday nights he has asked me to dinner or to go to the apartment to hang out. We also eat lunch on campus together a couple times a week, and have a blast talking and making fun of our professors or helping each other with schoolwork. We're both also private people so we also spend plenty of time in our respective apartments taking it easy, but even then he wants to talk online all the time. He's acting a lot towards me like he did in high school when we were "just friends" but "felt more"...but each time I just want to write it off as "B just being B" he'll do something that forces me to think otherwise. In social situations he pretty much ignores every other girl present and focuses on me..but I can't tell if it's because I'm simply more interesting or if it's because he "feels" more..? We are technically "best friends" so I suppose there's not much to look into that-but your best friend doesn't consistently stare, does he? My mother is even hounding me now about when we're going to get back together because B was around so much in the summer.

 

I know this is long, but how am I supposed to react towards this? For the most part I play it "cool" around him, but since late in the summer I've pretty much fallen back in love with him again, which is definitely the last thing I want to do if I'm totally misinterpreting his actions. Ugh. I'm too scared to really talk to him about it, and too scared to let him come too close either. Any advice/insight is appreciated.

[Weird]

I say he wants to get back together and if you really want it I say you go for it. I realize it is a risk to be open with him about this but there are risks in life that we should take. If you decide to tell him how you truly feel now I think at the very least he would respect that you had the stomach to lay yourself out there. As a guy, I have tons of respect for women who lay themselves out and are open. Most women don't do that and stay cautious and it really can be frustrating. My ex is a great example of that...it pisses me off so much because I am convinced she wants to get back together but she won't say this and well, the current situation with her (she is busy doing all sorts of other stuff) sorta makes us getting back together not feasible and all she can really do with me now is hang out in a friends way on occasion. It sucks and I know I am going to have a hard time trying to do it but I think I will at least try it although I will know in the back of my mind that she may start getting too close and pull away because she is afraid to handle what comes up. Basically, it could be a situation like yours. I guess I just wish things could be like a movie and she would tell me her feelings and we'd hook up and live happily ever after. Sucks that life can't be like a movie. Sadly, it can't and I am left in a situation where I am almost certain I know the true feelings of a person but they won't share them wiht me and act on them for fear of whatever.

[Rayne84]

Wierd, not sure what to say about your situation, except maybe to give her time. When people are confused/busy, what they need most is space. I guess just take it easy, focus on keeping yourself happy, and stay open to being a good friend when she needs it.

 

And thanks, though in my opinion, I was already burned once when I had the "nerve" to tell him how I thought he may have wanted to work things out (this was over a year ago or so) that the thought of trying to do that again is truly frightening. Granted, I look back now and really he was not doing much, just trying to stay friends, now is much different...but I think it's just too hard for me to take that risk at this point. It's truly confusing, because the ball's been in his court this whole time, and I've been letting him instigate everything all along; but I'm still terrified since it could still just be a best friend thing, you know? I think I'm being paranoid, maybe not though-I like to play it safe. Right now I am just taking it day-to-day and enjoying this extra special friendship we have. If nothing else, he's the most fun friend and confidant I have, and I would not trade that for anything in the world.

 

I just don't know what to do, concerning how he is acting and how I am feeling about him again . I really need advice from anyone on the board with good insight into this sort of thing. Is something really happening here, or have I become completely and utterly delusional? Just to clarify, it's not like he's getting sex or any other sort of physical affection, either.

[Weird]

well, guess i don't qualify as good advice.

 

really, from what you have said it sure sounds like the guy wants to get back together with you and is afraid to confront you...basically, you two are in a mexican stand-off.

 

As for you being afraid to confront him for fear of being burned...is it really that much better to keep thinking about this and not doing something? Only you can know that for sure. Nobody on this forum can tell you what to do/say. All I know is if you love a person and want to be wiht them you shoudl tell them that. Life is to unpredictable to sit there and wonder and not act on your feelings.

 

So I really think you should confront him about this.

 

But hey, what do I know.

[Rayne84]

Hehe, I didn't say you weren't good advice, you were. I should speak to him, but I'm scared. What you said mkes complete sense. i also want to see what other people think though...iif you're all saying the same thing then it's time for me to get off my lazy bum and talk to him. Sometimes I think about this situation and laugh to myself-why am I so scared of talking to someone who I've known for so long and so well? but of course I am. Ugh. Anyway, he should stop being so scared, too. I made him promise over a year ago that, no matter what, if he ever began to feel the same again he should tell me. So, if he is feeling the same, knowing this promise, why hasn't he said anything?

[weweregods]

I think that you should consider giving him a second chance. If even one of you has changed since your relationship ended, then any future realtionship will be entirely new. Just be yourself with him. Enjoy your life. "Hold on loosely, but don't let go!" As a matter of fact, it sounds like you did everything I have been advising people to do when their lover breaks-up with them in the first place: 1) you acted happy, 2) you let go of all the bad emotions, 3) you were happy and agreeable - you were his friend! Now, all you need to do is continue that... The only other advice I have for you is to worry him a bit - maybe date some other guy in a non serious way - don't tell him directly that you are, but see how he reacts to it. If he is falling for you all over again, he will be very jealous and may want to make a move instead of taking his time with his insecurities.

[Rayne84]

Thank you...yeah I did a lot of bad things at first, but when I sat back and thought on things, I realized how miserable I was,and that I didn't want to be miserable, I wanted to be happy. Throughout our relationship, I think I was expecting him to make me happy. That's a lot of pressure for one person! I really think it was the stress of that that drove him away more than anything. After the breakup when I was sad, I think he felt responsible, so he kept coming around to make sure I was doing okay; which of course I ASSumed meant that he wanted me back! WRONG. Of course, I think he had moments in the beginning which he doubted himself, but I think he was sure about his decision until I completely let go and moved on.

 

I was his friend, but there was a while were I couldn't be. I wasn't mean to him, but acted very distant when I saw him, so that I could truly have time on ym own to grow. I think he got the message, but he didn't seem too happy about it either...we went through this strange period where he'd instigate talking, and spend the whole time saying super-nice things to me (how strong I was, smart, wonderful kind person, whatever to butter me up) because I think losing me as a friend was really shaking him up at the time. But I needed the space, and he never violated that. I learned that the only person that could make me happy was me! This is absolutely true, and I fixed a lot of things about myself...some of the things that had been problems in the relationship and some not. Of course, I'm not perfect (no one is) but I think the dissolution of my "first love" truly helped to turn me into an adult.

 

I think once I had felt I completed this, I stopped trying to avoid him as much, and he saw how I had changed. I mean, if anything it's made us into way better friends than we had ever been, really. Once I also had moved on from him so that I really could be his friend, it made things a lot better. Now though, it's different, it's in this wierd more-than-friends stage that's not dating, either. Once my feelins started coming back for him is when I started getting REALLY confused. He once made a comment to me back when we were dating that before we were, when we had been just "friends" that we had, in reality, been "practically dating" (in his words) because things had been so exclusive between us. Which is true, and now is very similar to then... Just because I know these things, it does not make me less scared about the future. What we have is good now..I mean I do not even think I want to rush things and have a talk...maybe even this wierd, really confusing period will be helpful in the long run. We're really getting to know each other even more, I think; without any of that "relationship pressure". And in the end, I am not SURE of these feelings, but it appears by responses here that I'm no delusional psycho, either.

 

I must say though, that most of my friends are guys, so talkig to other guys does not faze him much; though the ones he knows are interested in me make him nervous. I have a particular friend he does not care much for, for this reason...and usually makes slightly bitter comments when this guy comes up in conversation. The two of them are a bit similar in personality, so maybe B sees him as competition; however, as I said, I talk to him these days more than anyone so maybe he knows better already.

[weweregods]

There ya go! You are on it, sweetie! You know what so many of us have tried to figure out unsuccessfully. Congradulations! Don't worry about the future, the future will come when it comes... Just keep doing what you are doing - you've stopped trying to pull him closer, and he is trying to push his way back into your life! Keep going! Be sweet, be patient, be yourself, worry him a little (maybe with this friend he doesn't like), and enjoy him for who and what he is. If you do all this, you can't go wrong!

[Rayne84]

Thanks for the encouragement, it helps keep me on-focus a lot. I will try my best to just enjoy the situation and stop worrying about the future so much.

[Rayne84]

Just journaling...

 

I'm wondering where this weekend is going to go; which is something I always do. I'm trying to show a little more interest if his intentions are to come back, but it's actually, really really hard. I'm not really the flirty or overly warm type-and on top of that I forced myself to distance from him from so long it's hard to be neutral, let alone encouraging. I think what I'm simply terrified of is being let down-again. I mean, I know now was way more different than last time (in which I was doing the chasing, and he was doing the running-now he is chasing) but I feel like a deer in headlights, you know? I guess i need to try not to be, it seems like everything he does is indicative that he wants to be close to me, yet it scares me so much to let that happen. I guess I need to let that happen if I want to get anywhere...

 

Today when we were talking he brought up "old times" a lot, and how great they had been. In those "old times" we were also a couple-I wonder if he's trying to get that he misses that as well? Maybe, maybe not. He's never been direct in his speech , so sometimes it's hard to tell what he is alluding to. He sent me stories and stuff he had written, and things we had shared for reiminiscing or whatever. Yeah, in HS we used to write crazy stories back and forth and such, and he felt compelled to send me this all today. Meh, it's probably just nothing.

 

I'm in a bit of a funk now, hard to describe why. I think I do this to stop myself from getting hopeful. Adaptive behavior, no? I wonder if I'll feel better by letting myself become hopeful, or instead of "funky" I'd just feel miserable by starting to harbor expectations...?

 

If anyone has insight, please don't hesitate to say...I self-analyse a lot but sometimes I really need others' opinions.

[weweregods]

Here are some techniques to help you remain hopeful:

 

1) Anytime you have a negative thought, say "shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, ect..." very fast until you cannot remember what you were thinking about prior to you barrage of "shut ups".

 

2) Anytime you catch yourself thinking about your ex, switch to thinking of something else... Anything else... Daydream about becoming a movie star, writing a bestselling novel, or traveling through Europe

 

3) Exercise for 30 mins every day... Get your heart pumping... Think about your fitness goals and let them override your thoughts of your ex

 

4) Read a good book, or go to the movies... If you feel inspired, start to write a novel or screenplay

 

5) Get a hobby, take a class in something that has always interested you before but you have never pursued

 

6) Don't get discouraged: Rome wasn't built in a day and anything worth having is worth waiting for...

 

You have to stop thinking about your ex and old memories in order to progress in this new relationship with your ex-ex!

[Weird]

you sound like a female version of me in many areas specifically thinking about the situation and jsut laughing at the silliness of it all and also the over analyzing.

 

My situation with my ex frustrates the crap out of me. I hate not having true resolution to things and that is where I am. It's tough to not have it bug me but I try to do my best to not have that happen.

 

 

The funniest thing with my ex is she apparently thinks any discussion we have were we don't totally agree is a fight ratehr than a differing of opinion. In the 2 years we were together I think we had 2 or 3 real fights but I bet to her we had tons. So crazy. A few days ago when we last talked I was getting stuff off my chest I have had for a while now and she thought it was a fight rather than me stating my opinion in a civilized and direct way. She's crazy...yet I love her. Sheesh.

[Rayne84]

Thanks for the advice/ encouragement, everyone.

 

I've gotten really good about getting my mind off of things when I have to. I usually read a book at that point (or go to the gym), seems to work the best. I feel a lot better today, though physically drained after spending 10 hours on campus. > After I take a nice shower I'll be ready to see him later, and be able to stay cool and just have fun, as always. Happy Friday!

[Rayne84]

Well, the weekend is coming to a close and it basically went as I expected; except both nights we've spent talking until 4am. Last night was spent talking a lot about sex-related stuff, which was definitely a little awkward at first, but was overall a really good conversation.

 

Tonight we were particularly pissed at other "friends", so that was the topic of much of tonights' conversation, followed by why I've never been to relate to females as friends, and why he has always preferred to having his guy "posse" as girls to him are generally "stupid and whiny". (In his opinion men can be just as stupid as well, but since they're generally more laid back, in his opinion they're easier to deal with in superficial social situations-and I feel the same. Just didn't want you all to think he's a sexist or something. ) He spent a lot of time emphasizing to me how different I was from them; i.e. I run with the guys, but am still very feminine in my own right. I took it as a compliment, because I think it's true. My friends are all guys, and I relate to them well enough with what they actually do to not be the girl that is fought over-but not assimilated so much as to actually be male in their eyes (as what happens with some girls.) I think it's a very nice balance, too. Anyway, our topics of conversation of late have been very gender-related, which is a different course than normal.

 

Although I care for my other friends deeply, he's the only one I ever literally sit for hours talking to about anything (and the same for him) -so no matter what is going on between us, he's definitely the person I can relate to and trust the most. The only thing I feel scared about talking to him about is well, how I feel about him. Somehow, though, after a weekend like this of so much conversation, I care less about what is actually going on as much as thankful that I have someone in the world with whom I can connect so well. I hope everyone gets someone like this in their lifetime, because I think not feeling alone in the world after all is one of the best feelings there is.

[Weird]

Cool. I say then you just go with the flow and not worry about telling him your feelings and bringing up that whole topic.

 

Oh and not that it really matters but I too think females who act more like "the guys" are the best. Prissy women who never have anything of substance to say and who importance in the most useless of things bug the crap out of me.

[Rayne84]

Yeah, it seems like a lot of the guys who really are very smart and value a smart woman are the ones who are the most mature. They don't want some pretty little thing who will babble on about nothing; but rather a true friend with whom they can also have fun with in non-relationship related ways within the relationship. I think that leads to a deeper connection and stronger relationship over all.

 

Yeah, going with the flow is what brings him closer to me every time, it seems. I have to admit it's a little hard being so attached at the hip and exclusive to someone I'm not officially dating, but time actually spent with him is more fun than it is filled with thoughts of "Should I say something?", to be honest. It's only afterwards I try to analyze...but I always come up with the same conclusions. I know he feels very, very strongly for me in his actions, and I know that he probably figures I feel the same; and sometimes I wish we'd get it over with and "say something", but there's also a very, very strong feeling in my heart that this period is something very, very good for us and the next stage should not be rushed. As the expression goes in Spanish, "Que sera, sera" (What will be, will be).

 

The closer we seem to get, the more we seem to be able to talk and get to know each other in a way that is relatively stress-free. As I mentioned previously, communication was our biggest issue when we were together-we never wanted to upset the other so we never talked about what was bothering us. I think that first we should feel very open to each other about every other aspect of our lives before we start moving onto how we feel about each other, I think. Any opinions on that?

[Weird]

good philosophy.

[UnicornGirl]

Wow, I am really impressed, Rayne ... it sounds like your relationship is blooming. I would not say anything at this point, but present situations in which he feels like you might not always be around ... i.e., spending time with another guy, going out of town for a weekend that he wants to spend with you. Not in an intentionally hurtful way, just in a way that shows him: Yes, you love him, but you're moving on with your life. Does he want to come along or not?

 

Other than that, I wouldn't strategize, I'd just love him. Your situation sounds so hopeful, it's an inspiration to me.

[Rayne84]

Hey, all. Been a busy week, so I have not been online much.

 

Thanks Unicorn, I think we really do have a great relationship/friendship/whatever at the moment. I've maintained in my mind that no matter what happens I am thankful to have that with someone. Personally, the past couple weeks he hasn't really even tried to hide how he feels; I believe he's being uber incredibly obvious so that maybe I'll ask him why he's being that way, or something. For someone who's always been a loner in every respect, he's become even a little clingy-which is momentous, and...strange. I don't want to ask though; I think since he left me, even if it was what..17 months ago?...he should be the one to say something, not me. To kind of speed up that process, I've tried making it seem as if I also have other guy interests (which at this point I don't...I used to), but at this point it seems more like playing games than trying to get him closer. He's not at a stage where running away from him is making him come closer...every time I do a little to reach out he does a million to reach out to me.

 

After this last weekend and all of the in-depth talking we were doing (about pretty important, yet non-relationship related matters); it seems as if it's made him even more crazy about talking or hanging out with me. He already mentioned hanging out tomorrow with him, which I'll do because I do have more fun with him than anyone We will be seeing our other friends at some point too, I imagine..probably for dinner...so that will be nice. Not as if it matters...when I'm around it's like his other friends barely exist for him. That's quite different from when he first broke up with me and we used to see each other in groups-back then I was lucky if he said more than "Hi'.

 

So, things can change. It really wasn't always this way, though; perhaps I should emphasize that. There was also a long period of 6 months or so where we barely talked, ever. There was a lot of time in which we were growing, seperately; and I firmly believe that had that not happened, we wouldn't be where we are today.

[Weird]

It truly sounds like he has got some mad feelings for you. I say you two will end up back together going by the prgoression you have posted here. Just remeber though, if that happens, don't fall back itnot he same pattern you two had the first time because it will just end up the same way. Make sure you understand the problems from the 1st relationship that caused things it end and fix them and be open about them.

[Rayne84]

I agree Wierd, if we get back together one of the things I would want to establish is how this would be a new relationship, and not just more of the same. We're so compatible on so many levels that really, as long as we foster our communication with each other, we could get through a lot. We're both quite mature for our age, and would rather talk things out than yell or point fingers. Last time we were just too scared about making the other mad or being too demanding that the relationship itself totally died. What's evident though, is that after all this time neither the feelings nor the attraction has changed.

 

The weekend went as expected, except his roomate was being a bit of an a**h*** on Friday and I went and hung out with other friends of mine instead of seeing him or his roomies for dinner. When B called to see if I'd be making it for dinner, I was brisk and informed him I had other plans, and saw my other friends and had a good time until really late. The next morning the first things out of his mouth are detailed questions of my whereabouts the night before, of course. It's frustrating because all of that implies this level of commitment that we technically do not yet have, and I think it's starting to get a little old. I like spending so much time and sharing so many things with him, but I'd like to move on from that at some point, yet it feels as if we'll be in this semi-dating transition phase for eternity.

 

I must admit, the past few days I've been feeling frustrated that despite the current state of affairs, he still has yet to try to initiate a talk of "where we stand." Is he scared that I'll reject him? Does he not want to commit just yet? Have I really been imagining that he wants me back for all of this time? i'm sorry, but despite all the growing I did away from him, sometimes I feel as if I've just been trapped, and perhaps the only way to free myself is to break my year and a half old vow to never bring up the "old" relationship or my thoughts on what he is feeling after a certain disappointment distaster in Sep of '03...thoughts?

[Rayne84]

Bah, in a better mood today. I always try to kick myself out of the stupid moods I tend to get into and focus on other things in my life. I try to work on a more "do what works, change what doesn't" philosophy, and reading a good book or going to the gym seems to fix any negative moods I get in.

 

Perhaps I failed to mention that one giant problem when B and I were together was my moodiness...for a very long time I was a very moody person and easily felt sad and rejected, especially in regards to his action/inactions. I think this stemmed mostly from a fairly inadequate self-esteem that I harbored for pretty much all of my teenage years. I was very happy before then, and now I find myself upbeat and happy more than I am in a negative mood-but for a while I was truly negative. I think, more than anything, this comes from my will to be happy; that the only one who can make me happy is me, and moping around is sure not going to do it! The more I did these things, the more happy I felt; and the more positive image I let on to other around me made me feel even better. So after my last post I went to the gym for a while and then came home and got really involved in some interesting coursework for school. It helped a lot, and my pride in my schoolwork is definitely one of the things that always helps me think more positively. I think what I'm trying to say, is that people can change. I think being moody and reactive was what drove him away from me in the first place-and being happy made him come closer. Makes sense? Everyone wants to be with a happy person, sad people only elicit pity, not happiness on others' part. Some think they can "save" people, but this is, for the most part, entirely untrue. People need to save themselves, not only so that it's genuine but so that they can gain a better sense of independence.

 

Boy, I go on tangents a lot...anyway I think a lot of people on these boards need to re-evaluate why their exes may have left them, as nobody leaves without a reason. I don't care what anyone says about a particular "life situation"-it's more often than not a pure excuse for your ex not to hurt you (while in reality, by not being honest they are not purposefully hurting you more). Remember the phrase "where there is a will there is a way?" If the relationship were as healthy and stable as many imply, exes would transcend these so-called "life situations" to be with you. Such is not the case. So what have you been doing? What can you do differently? You can't make the focus of change on "bringing someone back", or I promise that you will fail. It was only after I let go of B were the changes in myself able to take place. It was only after those changes that he began to come around again. To be honest, I had completely given up hope that we'd ever get back together, and I was perfectly okay with it. I was seeing other people and having a perfectly good time. When he kept creeping closer to me after a long while, at first I tried to discourage it, then I tried ignoring it, then I realized I WOULD want to give it another shot and that we probably had what it takes to work on it again. See, he has grown up in many ways too, that I can appreciate. Even if I found out tomorrow that his actions of the past 6 months (coming closer) were a complete fluke and that there were no extrafriendship feelings present, I would be probably way more confused than disappointed or devastated. Even then, I find that highly unlikely. B's not a terribly hard person to read, just not a person of many words (regarding emotion, anyhow.) I'm also starting to think that, just like the first time he "asked me out" (well, it WAS in high school...) I had to be literally absolutely blatently obvious about how I had come to feel about him (i.e. being literally all over him) until he said something...and that unfortunately his senses on the matter haven't changed all that much. But, I'm not ready to be so obvious, so he can either say something or wait!

 

What's my message? Stop thinking about ifs, whens, hows and whys regarding your ex coming back. Instead think: "What could I have done to facilitate them leaving me? What are my weaknesses in dealing with relationships? How can I strengthen myself? How can I become more independent and solution-focused"? The rest, as they say, is just life.

 

By the way, I would love to mention about how sickeningly cute it is that every time we eat lunch together on campus he goes literally completely and utterly out of his way to walk me to my class every time even if it makes him late to his... How nice.

[Weird]

Rayne,

 

I like you...you sound you look at things a lot like I do.

 

Anyway, the guy no question wants to be back with you. Whether he is scared to right now or just doesnt feel like he can give you the effort needed is something I do not know...but I know he wants back. If in the .0000000001% chance he doesnt then he is the best actor ever because his actions to me point to him obviously wanting you back.

 

I agree that people need to look at why things ended the first time and see what changes they need to do in themselves. As you said, many don't do this and just think "oh well" when a relationship ends and they never learn anyting about themselves from it and all that does is make future relationshps end the same way.

 

We really do have the same type of outlook on all this. Can't say much more than that:)

[Rayne84]

Thanks Wierd Yeah, there definitely are some of us dumpees who think this way, but also a lot who don't. It's okay, it's natural to to just want the quick fix at first-your ex back. What I think also happens a lot is the dumpees improve themselves and get back with exes who haven't matured at all and therein lies another problem. That is why I don't see the reasoning for making it easier on exes to just come back either. It takes two to tango...and with the dissolution of a relationship there's always room for improvement on both sides. If exes were perfect they would not be exes!

 

Yeah, sometimes the lack of ability to really doubt his feelings is what gets to me at the end. It's because I know and yet he won't make a move! It's frustrating because I'd like things to be a little more clear between us while at the same time I wouldn't feel right rushing things. I think, more than anything, he's scared I'll reject him or don't feel the same. I've been good about trying to flirt sometimes, but other than that I am still a bit cool to him in person. It's still hard for me to completely warm up to him. I guess all in good time.

 

A friend just IMed me that he and his girlfriend of 2 years broke off last night, too. Poor guy

[Weird]

Yeah I totally agree that the party looking for a second chance (so the dumpees as you put it) improve but the other party doesn't really improve or mature and when they get back together the dumpee/improved party realizes that the person they are with isn't worth their time...that is why I would not get back with my ex if tomorrow she told me she wanted to because based on talking to her in the last few weeks I can tell she hasn't matured emotionally and any reconciliation would jsut end up like the first and I would never waste my time on that. I know that if she matured emotionally then we could have a great long lasting relationship but until I see that I do not want to be back with her. BTW, I am pretty confident she has feelings for me still but she is the type of person who is so prideful and stubborn that she won't open herself up and she is mega cautious. She is a runawayer.

 

I think my ex is somewhat like your ex...shows signs there are feelings but won't admit it outright or make an effort to do something about it. As you said, it is frustrating.

 

Yep, the key is taking things slow and just letting time make things work. If I end up getting back with my ex (again, assuming she can change and she is ready to do this) I plan to take things pretty slow rather than just jump back in all hot and heavy. I see some people do that rushng in thing with 2nd chances and all it does is end up blowing up in their faces.