Back to more than just friends....?

[Rayne84]

Yes, especially since your situation is still a little "new", I would give her time. From a girl's perspective it's a bit hard to imagine being confused, but I believe it's at this stage of life more than any that this seems to happen. Do you by any chance know of the psychologist Erik Erikson? He was one of the forefounders of developmental psychology, and the stage he described that young adults (18-25) underwent was a conflict between intimacy vs. isolation. What he meant is is that this is the time of our lives in which we are forming and strengthening relationships, which also may include running away and coming back (or on the flipside, deciding relationships are not for us and abandoning them completely)! By no means do I suscribe to one person when it comes to psychological thought, but I believe there's a lot of truth to Erikson's theory. Not only that, but Erikson aside college is a huge transitioning stage that gets people all knotted up, confused, and thinking about the future with and without people in them. This is one of those "life situations" I mentioned earlier, and if there were problems to begin with that might drive someone to leave. This may or may not be what happened to you, but I think it's a very common problem.

 

Just give your girl the space she needs (as you've been rightly doing!), as women especially seem to not want to be alone for long. (I may be generalizing, but it's true in most cases.) I'm glad to see that you too want to see the same growth and improvements in her before you would even take you back. I think people claim all of the time "Oh 2nd chances never work" when in reality they were seperated from their partner for too short of a time for any changes to occur. I must warn you she'll sure hate hearing that if she ever begins to try to get you back...she'll think you've been waiting all this time! She may even try chsnging for you after that, but unless she changes for herself first and foremost that won't work, either. My ex did a lot of growing on his own...seems like yours is a sensible girl too..took mine a while and will probably take yours too, but she'll figure it out, and either things will be okay for the both of you together or with someone else, but (hopefully) your next relationship will be all the better for it. Ack! Too much procrastination..back to homework..

[Weird]

Never heard of him but he sounds like he knows what he is talking about.

 

I also read an article recently that said more and more women in their 20s are delaying things and in effect "aren't growing up." It said more and more women come out of college and focus on career and still live at home and stuff and don't look for a real long term partner until late 20s/early 30s. Basically, it said women (and also guys but it was more women that guys) today are delaying the pattern of life by 5 years compared to a few decades ago where you finished school, got married, had some babies all before you hit 30. It sure seemed to ring true based on what I see.

 

My ex fits into the above. I know she is trying to establish a career and be independant and stuff before she could do any long term relationship. She finsihed school alst eyar and she is now just trying to have some success or at least get her feet wet in the "real world" I understand it and accept it. Me, I have been working full-time for 7 years now so I am past that stage and just want to be with someone and possibly start a family...and that really comes into play as to why I would not jump back in if say tomrorow she said she wnated to do this again. I know that right now she could not handle a long term realtiosnhip and that if she tried she would just cause so much stress on herself and would do what she did before and push me away so she could focus on her the star of her working life. She pushed me away before because of school and now it would be her job. I know this and would not put myself in that situation again. Now I do have faith one day she will get comfortable in the "real world" and will be ready to do the relationship thing and I truly think as long as she doesn't just assume we couldn't work because of the past (again, something that went sour because of other circumstances, not really stuff betwene us directly) that we could be together and have a good relationship. Right now I just want to hang out as friends and be there to talk to and have some good times with and offer her support.

 

My situation has a lot more to it but I shall not bore you with it all in detail. All I will say is that we stopped talking in early 2003 and a year later so this past April) she told me she wants me back in her life as a friend but she needed a couple months to sort out her life a little more. 2 months of no contact go by and then she suddenly starts popping up again on my IM program but would just sit there and not say anything. I told ehr if she wants to talk then talk but sure enugh, she goes on no contact for another 2 months until late August when she started showing up again on my IM proggy and again, would just sit there an dnot say anything. Finally almost a month later she got the balls to come and talk to me and she apologized for treating me poorly in early 2003 and said she couldn't do relationship right now but wanted to hang as friends. I said ok and she never made an effort to hang out (but she would always chat to me anytime i came online...she woudl actually monitor my online status by doing stuff in her room and looking at the comp creen to see when I came online and then she would message me in like 5 seconds) and then a couple weeks ago she tells me she needs some more time. She started out saying 2 more motnhs then moved it to 3 weeks...then 2 days after she said that she came online and chatted wihte. Since then she hasn't been online. During that convo we had few weeks ago she was going in and out of talking in a way of ehr wanting to just be friends and her seeing us getting back together. It was funky and crazy.

 

 

Every person-both male and female- who has been kept up to date with all this and who knows the whole past between us says there is no doubt she has feelings but seems too scared/cautious to admit it...and these aren't just all my friends blwong smoke up my ass telling me what I want to hear but are also people I don't really know that well that I have told the situation to....and I give things in an accurate way. It is good though that it isn't just me who thinks she still has feelings and others who wouldn't have a biased opinion see it the way I see it.

[Rayne84]

Yeah Wierd, as a girl I know hardly ever am I confused about how I feel, but when I don't feel comfortable with feeling a particular way, I will run back and forth and probably confuse those involved. (As your ex is doing.) I feel sorry for mine because I think at times I must present such a confusing array of actions towards him. I am still hardly ever the instigator of IMs, phone calls, hanging out...and sometimes even run away when I feel as if we're getting too close...but yet I DO make it obvious that I enjoy it when he calls me, and have a complete blast when we hang out, etc. Lately I have been better about being consistent, but I think it's hard when you're afraid of getting hurt. Ypur ex may simpy be that...extremely afraid to get close to you again. Maybe she felt as if she was too dependent on you before, has now gained independence (but misses you), and fears being so dependent again. Maybe not the case, but it could be something to think about.

 

Nothing too exciting in my end of things; I am being bombarded with tests and projects in school so I've been fairly antisocial the past few days. This weekend should be good though, albeit probably not exciting. Oh well... I've never really liked excitement anyway..

[Weird]

haha you crazy women and your running back and forth stuff;)

 

No question my ex is afraid to get hurt. The best is she tries to put it all on me by implying she doesn't want me to get hurt (this as hanging out as friends) and I have told her 15 trillion times

 

"I'm not gonna get hurt. I just want to hang out with you as a friend"

 

but she keeps tyring to bring it back to me as the reason why she is hesitant to start hanging out. It is pretty funny...but so silly at the same time. I even said to her I think the real reason is she is afraid that she may get closer than she wants/expects to right now and she won't know how to handle it if that happens. She did not deny this.

 

The whole situation just makes me shake my head because I really am confident she has these feelings yet tries to hide them (and does a bad job at it) but at the same time knows I am very intelligent and can easily see through the BS she tries to hurl at me. Oh well. Again, it isn't something that is running my life or something that stresses me out so no biggie. I went over a year without talking to her so not like it is such a big deal if I don't talk to her for a few weeks or months or another year. I've grown used to it.

 

The best is in a way I can't do anything good in my ex's mind. What I mean is she sorta still views me from whatever past mistakes or from the way the last couple months of us talking last year went down (something SHE apologized for as she said she realized she was treating me poorly then) rather than see that I have emotionally matured since then and that I have a diff outlook on things. Also, I think she knows that I have changed in ways that she had issues with and she knows that if she hangs with me she would see that so she is trying to avoid it because right now she can still use the "oh you don't do this or that" excuse as a reason why we could never work out. If she hung out again and saw I have changed for the better then she would have no logical reason to not get back together with me since i would still ahve all my great qualities she loved and would not have the other traits she had issues with. It is actually quite funny to me that she seems to be doing that because i jsut don't get why a human being would do that. What makes it even funnier is that she probably doesnt realize that in order me to get back with her I would have to see her change some things about herself and see that she has matured emotionally which based on how she is acting, hasn't happened.

 

What courses are you taking in school?

[Rayne84]

Haven't posted in a while, but not much has changed, I guess; except now B is giving even more "signs" than usual. For instance, he has been calling me by an old pet name a lot the past few days (every so often he slips and says it, but somehow 4 times in 3 days just doesn't seem like slipping to me) and he also randomly invited me to dinner tonight (and insisted on paying for it.) Talk about being Mr. Obvious...so why doesn't he just, you know, tell me how he feels? Heh. Oh, well.

 

By the way Wierd, I'm a Psychology major-I have to say the intricacies of the human mind is most definitely one of my favorite topics.