Same <stuff>, different day

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, you no longer get to say how he felt back then. Just how you felt. How you feel now.

 

No more about what Andrew thought or felt. Cause it just does not matter.

 

You're holding yourself back with that talk.

 

 

That is the mentality I need to adopt..

 

For him to not exist, I need to not concern myself with HOW he feels or WHAT he is doing.

[AlexDP]

True. I meant that he loved me in the best way he could.

 

He felt strong feelings.

 

 

The thing is, Leigh, you can never really know that he did. He very well might have, but it's still a guess. I don't know if my girlfriend loves me. I just think she does and I have no reason to doubt her. But if she dumped me, I'd really question her love. That being said, you know him best, so perhaps he does love you.

 

Ultimately it doesn't matter though. It's over. Whether that's because of a lack of love or because of other issues that Andrew has is irrelevant. This time should be about you. You should probably not even mention him anymore.

[metal_chick]

That is the mentality I need to adopt..

 

For him to not exist, I need to not concern myself with HOW he feels or WHAT he is doing.

 

Told you. You've got to stop caring. You should never have doubted my methodology...

[dreamingoftigers]

The bolded are the historical parts we have in common.

 

Here is a little of my history with men, sex and relationships

 

- I have a super high sex drive and I am very sexual.

(To the point where I had to use recovery techniques for sexual addicts. I would easily masturbate around 20 times and night and did not have sexual limits with the acts I would do with men. I was however, big on protection. I didn't want to get pregnant.)

 

- As a teen I had no self esteem and wanted to go out with guys just so I could enjoy sex and the hugging and romance part, without actually needing them to be all that into me. I was chubby for my build, had terrible acne and bad teeth.

 

- then I lost weight, got rid of my acne, had braces, and had a great body shape (thin but curvy). All of a sudden hot guys flocked to me and I finally had the chance to pick men who liked me and who I liked back.(I stayed fat, I got fatter.)

My first serious bf was at age 18 - 20. I was not IN love with him yet loved him. I had anorexia and seriously depended on him to even walk out of the house with me, but he was a pot smoking loser so I left the relationship and I was not even all that upset, surprisingly. (mine was socially awkward and was very unattractive. He was not considerate and had significant emotional damage. I wasn't broken up about the relationship ending. I dropped him after a year and a half. I don't regret it.)

 

......................................................

 

I was anorexic and without sex or men from about age 20 - 24. Without any sex or men in the picture.(I did actually have a bf but we never did anything full-on because we were both Mormon. So for four years, I had no sex.)

 

..My mantra was " I do not need a man to be happy"

 

- I never wanted to commit or have a serious relationship cos I was young, had hot guys interested in me, and thought it was a death sentence to be tied down to a man in my early 20's

 

- I was on a mission to learn to love myself enough so as to not NEED a man. ( I knew I was screwed up at the age of 17, I've been working on it and becoming healthier and more comfortable with myself for a looonnnggg time.)

...........................................

 

I met Andrew online. I moved stated and had no friends, job and I was waiting to start my degree.

 

We had a really strange feeling when we spoke.

 

We met, he thought I was a total freak as I had not been around people in a 4 year period, after my anorexia and resulting social isolation.

He was perturbed by how different I was, and I too was not sold on his looks or personality..

We both had no intention to settle down. He wanted to go travel the world single and alone within the next year or two of his life. Unattached.

We just had a strange feeling and a weird vibe. We had to keep seeing each other even though we did not think we were ideal matches for one another.

We felt strong feelings against our own will so to speak.

We moved in together a few months later and were very happy.

I thought he was too much of a young party animal to settle down with one women for the rest of his life though, no matter how in love he was. I just did not think he had the strength of character to change his needs for a women at that age of 24.

 

(This strongly reflects my husband and at the beginning. I could have written it. I wouldn't have called my husband a "party animal" per se. But he had been previously very promiscuous and was an alcoholic when we met.)

 

I had resulting self esteem issues after my anorexia, understandably. I did not have much of a personality or life outside of the anorexia and I wanted to build myself up, as a person without anorexia to identify me.

(Interestingly enough, my issues present as an eating disorder as well. But more as Binge Eating)

 

I thought, and I still think, that some men can be in love yet still have the ability to have meaningless sex.

 

I let him do it to get it out of his system and because I thought it was a natural thing for a man to be able to, although not all men in love choose to actually do it.

 

A respectable man would have told me " you know what Leigh 87, I am getting real feelings for you here, how about we break up and I go and do what I need to do, and we catch up in a year and see where we are both at"

 

" Leigh 87, we need to back off and I need to go and be single until I feel I am ready to meet the right person"

 

" I should leave you ALONE before we fall too in love, so that I can go do what I gotta do, without harming you un the process"

-

 

Our histories are similar (in fact, rather eerily:eek:), read everything you can about building self-esteem, centering yourself and coping skills.

 

Honestly, this guy has done some damage. Some deep damage I'm sure. I can honestly say that you don't seem that strong in your self-image.

 

I think that you have strong moments when you focus on it. I think that is great. But the energy wanes and then you try to fill it with validation or other damaging ways. Seriously, read some of the books. It will probably resonate with you.

 

Unfortunately many people in our society mention low self-esteem like "you suck with your low self-esteem. You are doing stuff wrong.)

 

Low self-esteem isn't a "character flaw." It's what developed from your life. Find something to challenge the heck out of yourself and pursue. The self-esteem will come shortly after.

[Leigh 87]

The thing is, Leigh, you can never really know that he did. He very well might have, but it's still a guess. I don't know if my girlfriend loves me. I just think she does and I have no reason to doubt her. But if she dumped me, I'd really question her love. That being said, you know him best, so perhaps he does love you.

 

Ultimately it doesn't matter though. It's over. Whether that's because of a lack of love or because of other issues that Andrew has is irrelevant. This time should be about you. You should probably not even mention him anymore.

 

 

Well dumping me says enough.

 

I know I have to live as though nothing he thinks currently matter; for all I care, he could have used me for sex the entire time.

 

That is the goal of No Contact - to get to the stage where whatever they felt or did is of no concern to you.

 

I only ever protested when you assumed that I was in one of those relationships where the guy is not at all into the girl and treats her like ____, only for him to quickly meet other women who he DOES like and he totally changes his jerk like behaviour for.

 

You never know what others think, but I think you can have a pretty good idea if they are into you or not; whether they do love you in their own way, or not.

 

I think ___ was just a jerk. And he treated me well outside of his disgusting habits, which is obviously why I stayed.

 

As you say though, he left, and that says it all. In the end true love would overcome ALL issues.

[Leigh 87]

Told you. You've got to stop caring. You should never have doubted my methodology...

 

 

 

 

sigh. I still feel the need to take care of him if anything happened:(

 

If he ended up in hospital with his leg amputated, I would be there at break neck speed to be by his side, if I found out through someone he knew contacting me.

 

How do I not care?

[smorgenHeckengard]

This was not the response I expected.

 

You still have the capacity to surprise me, Leigh.

 

Right? Where did this clarity come from? And can you keep at it?

 

 

 

 

How do I not care?

By putting yourself first.

Edited May 29, 2013 by smorgenHeckengard

[Leigh 87]

I Just wanna forget him.

 

I don't want to talk about him to my friends.

 

I don't want to talk about him in a direct way on here, unless I happen to allude to distressed posters that I too, have felt heart break.

 

You know what I mean? Instead of saying "my ex did _____"

 

I need to just say that " I have been through this before, too"

 

............

 

 

I want to surprise everyone, including myself, that I am making the single most smart decision regarding a break up.

 

No one in real life tends to follow this route and they always get hurt.

 

It is just retarded to go about it the way everyone else seems to, because they get freakin' hurt when one person moves on and the other stings from it due to REMAINING IN CONTACT.

[metal_chick]

sigh. I still feel the need to take care of him if anything happened:(

 

If he ended up in hospital with his leg amputated, I would be there at break neck speed to be by his side, if I found out through someone he knew contacting me.

 

How do I not care?

 

These fantasies you have about him being hospitalised, gravely injured, that are very specific, is an extension of you fantasising about him finally "coming to his senses" and requesting a real relationship with you.

 

You stop caring for him by erasing all traces of him from your life. If you don't nurture a friendship/relationship, it dies a quiet death. You stop caring without even noticing it.

[Leigh 87]

But I know he doesn't want a relationship with me. I don't think there is a chance.

 

I am not sure if I will stop caring if a tragic event unfolded; nor do I fantasise about it more then the second I write it out on here.

 

I am illustrating how I am not SURE I will be able to just ignore a phone call regarding him, months down the track; even if I have done a lot of healing.

 

I can't say how I will feel.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

You stop caring for him by erasing all traces of him from your life. If you don't nurture a friendship/relationship, it dies a quiet death. You stop caring without even noticing it.

 

Even if you don't stop caring (I seem to be a person who never stops caring about ANYBODY i've ever felt love for in my long long life so far) one can care in a detached way.

 

That's what they're talking about in the co-dependency meetings and books as "detaching with love."

 

Care from afar. In a global, altruistic, rather than a personal way. Wish for the best for them; hope or pray that they find the comfort and strength they'll need in troubled times. AND STAY THE F OUT OF IT.

 

This means emotional distance. Which would require a complete cessation of indulging in fantasies of his leg getting the axe, his dad biting the dust, etc. And indulging you sure are, if you go to the trouble of typing the fantasies here. Repeatedly.

 

So you should stop it.

[metal_chick]

 

I want to surprise everyone, including myself, that I am making the single most smart decision regarding a break up.

 

 

Stop looking for external validation. Don't do NC to "surprise people". That is seeking validation from others to make yourself happy. This is what everyone is taking about. NC is about you. Whether you choose to stick to it will not affect mine or anyone else's existence.

 

You keep espousing the virtues if NC but you're going to have to practice it if you want it to work. Talk is cheap.

[metal_chick]

Even if you don't stop caring (I seem to be a person who never stops caring about ANYBODY i've ever felt love for in my long long life so far) one can care in a detached way.

 

That's what they're talking about in the co-dependency meetings and books as "detaching with love."

 

Care from afar. In a global, altruistic, rather than a personal way. Wish for the best for them; hope or pray that they find the comfort and strength they'll need in troubled times. AND STAY THE F OUT OF IT.

 

This means emotional distance. Which would require a complete cessation of indulging in fantasies of his leg getting the axe, his dad biting the dust, etc. And indulging you sure are, if you go to the trouble of typing the fantasies here. Repeatedly.

 

So you should stop it.

 

Mme Chaucer, very elegantly put, thank you. :-)

[Mme. Chaucer]

I am illustrating how I am not SURE I will be able to just ignore a phone call regarding him, months down the track; even if I have done a lot of healing.

 

I can't say how I will feel.

 

So what. All you have to concern yourself with is one day - today. Or if that's too daunting, deal with it by the hour.

 

But nothing is going to work unless you can start to identify your own sick thought patterns, of which this post is representative.

 

What are you doing even THINKING about the potential tragedies.

 

Think about yourself, what you are doing with YOURSELF.

 

In this thread or another one you wrote (repeatedly) about how you would enjoy running when you had a spare hour in between your work and your studies.

 

Well … at this point in time, you don't have work or studies (what happened to that job with the Indian family you were about to start?). So why aren't you running NOW?

[Leigh 87]

I get called to go and help a nice Indian family that live a minutes drive away from my flat.

 

I also got a job in a new town, which I will be re locating to after I get back from overseas, in late July.

 

I am studying part time but it is almost finished now so I have a lot of free time. I have to get my Russian visa sorted, but that is it. And keep fit and healthy.

 

I have been active.

[fiftyofsomethin]

How the hell has this topic gotten so many replies this quickly?

 

From what I've seen, which is not much information, the OP is being difficult.

 

I have no advice to give. However, I would advise you to be honest with yourself. You can not kid yourself about these matters. Don't lie to yourself and take the action that is necessary.

 

That is all.

[AlexDP]

Well dumping me says enough.

 

I know I have to live as though nothing he thinks currently matter; for all I care, he could have used me for sex the entire time.

 

That is the goal of No Contact - to get to the stage where whatever they felt or did is of no concern to you.

 

I only ever protested when you assumed that I was in one of those relationships where the guy is not at all into the girl and treats her like ____, only for him to quickly meet other women who he DOES like and he totally changes his jerk like behaviour for.

 

You never know what others think, but I think you can have a pretty good idea if they are into you or not; whether they do love you in their own way, or not.

 

I think ___ was just a jerk. And he treated me well outside of his disgusting habits, which is obviously why I stayed.

 

As you say though, he left, and that says it all. In the end true love would overcome ALL issues.

 

Leigh,

 

I suggest that you read your own posts concerning Andrew again. If you look closely, you'll see that it is always about how he loved you and liked you and how awesome he thought you were.

 

That is a weird response to a break up and it tells me that this isn't about Andrew at all.

 

Could it maybe be so that you don't know if you are that lovable? Could it be that maybe you don't know if you're all that awesome? Could it be that you're just looking for validation? For someone to attest to your greatness?

[Leigh 87]

Leigh,

 

I suggest that you read your own posts concerning Andrew again. If you look closely, you'll see that it is always about how he loved you and liked you and how awesome he thought you were.

 

That is a weird response to a break up and it tells me that this isn't about Andrew at all.

 

Could it maybe be so that you don't know if you are that lovable? Could it be that maybe you don't know if you're all that awesome? Could it be that you're just looking for validation? For someone to attest to your greatness?

 

 

 

 

I do think I'm lovable though. I like who I am. There is nothing I would change about my personality, as I am proud of the way I am. I would like to improve my mental health as well as getting my degree.

 

I don't need one particular person to have to highlight my greatness lol.

 

Look I just don't think I'm some hopeless, nasty or dull person. Sorry but you're not going to make me admit that I don't have much going for me and I doubt I'll attract any decent man one day. It isn't what I think.

 

I easily see myself attracting kind and decent friends and lovers into my life. Because enough people do find me to be a positive, funny and interesting women to be around.

 

What holds me back is feeling bad that I wasn't enough for one dude. I don't feel it's be because I'm some uninspiring dull women who is likely not good enough to hold most mens interest.

 

I am just hurt that I wasn't enough for him. I will be enough for another guy one day.

 

I clearly see myself, after moving on from____,and when I think about dating again; I don't think I'll have trouble finding a decent guy.

[Leigh 87]

Bad things about me:

 

Can be lazy

 

I'm getting my degree later in life and lack pride in a career like most 26 year olds have achieved by then

 

Have a bad past and have screwed up my life a lot

 

I have some mental health issues

 

Good things which I never want to change:

 

I make connections with enough people easily

 

I am genuinely interested in others and enjoy listening to others

 

I am generous

 

I'm altruistic

 

I'm very positive, and I find happiness in most life situations I am in

 

I make enough people laugh. I am funny to some people.

 

I know what my dream is to do in life... I'm going after the he career I most want.

 

............

 

 

 

 

 

If you think I'm in my bedroom feeling sorry for myself, you're sadly mistaken.

 

I think I'll have a great life because I attract nice friends and stand out in my own unique way.

 

I would hate to be anyone else. I am happy with the way I am.

 

No more pitty parties please.

 

......

[AlexDP]

Bad things about me:

 

 

Good things which I never want to change:

 

I am genuinely interested in others and enjoy listening to others

 

I'm altruistic

 

I'm very positive

 

I'm going after the he career I most want.

 

I think I'll have a great life because I attract nice friends and stand out in my own unique way.

 

I would hate to be anyone else. I am happy with the way I am.

 

......

 

 

Deep down, do you think these things are true? Not meant to patronize you or put you down, but do you really believe these things? Because it is not quite in tune with the way you behave.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am just hurt that I wasn't enough for him. I will be enough for another guy one day.

 

Leigh, you can't fill a black hole.

 

It isn't because you "aren't enough for him." It's because by his very nature he cannot be filled.

[thefooloftheyear]

Bad things about me:

 

Can be lazy

 

I'm getting my degree later in life and lack pride in a career like most 26 year olds have achieved by then

 

Have a bad past and have screwed up my life a lot

 

I have some mental health issues

 

Good things which I never want to change:

 

I make connections with enough people easily

 

I am genuinely interested in others and enjoy listening to others

 

I am generous

 

I'm altruistic

 

I'm very positive, and I find happiness in most life situations I am in

 

I make enough people laugh. I am funny to some people.

 

I know what my dream is to do in life... I'm going after the he career I most want.

 

............

 

 

 

 

 

If you think I'm in my bedroom feeling sorry for myself, you're sadly mistaken.

 

I think I'll have a great life because I attract nice friends and stand out in my own unique way.

 

I would hate to be anyone else. I am happy with the way I am.

 

No more pitty parties please.

 

......

 

 

This is something Ill never get...

 

YOU are an attractive young woman...Many guys(Yes, even ones that would absolutely put your ex to shame) would love to be with you.

 

But you will never get to the point of being with them, if you dont get out of this obsession. One person cannot control you...Just like you cant control them.

 

Work on yourself...Clean your room up! You will feel better..I promise.

 

TFY

[Leigh 87]

Deep down, do you think these things are true? Not meant to patronize you or put you down, but do you really believe these things? Because it is not quite in tune with the way you behave.

 

 

YES.

 

You're incredible.

 

I am TELLING you what I think about myself. This is what I think.

 

I am not retarded - I actually know how I think and feel.

 

I don't think I am ugly, worthless, or boring. Or not worthy of being around nice people.

 

I have thing about me I want to change, but in general, I really like who I am.

 

I wish Andrew loved me more but he doesn't, and that does not mean I think I won't be able to ever find love again one day with a great guy.

[subversive]

I don't have anything useful to say. I've been lurking through your posts for the last couple of days. All I can come up with is that this is so very, very damaging to you.

[BustedUpInside]

I don't have anything useful to say. I've been lurking through your posts for the last couple of days. All I can come up with is that this is so very, very damaging to you.

 

I wholeheartedly agree.