Same <stuff>, different day

[metal_chick]

Really?

 

Exactly why I do not want to be a parent; abandoning my own needs FOR LIFE is NOT my cup of tea:lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

Here is what I think is a healthy relationship

 

- yes I Believe in that big, crazy love where you're always loved up and never lose the thrill of being glad to see one another. I mean, I felt it for over two years?

 

- As well as being crazy about each other (as much as Chaucer hates me using that term)

 

But okay, you can be annoyed at the person or dislike aspects about them and even need space away from them occasionally!

 

I mean crazy about someone as in; you light up when you see them throughout the entire relationship (yet not EVERY time you walk past them)

 

Crazy about someone as in: you love the stupid little things they do, the silly things that say, and the way they just are.

 

.................................................

 

A healthy relationship, in a way that I need a relationship also goes as follows:

 

- chemistry/sexual attraction to me

 

- we are not settling, insofar as we are genuinely IN love and do not want a more beautiful or more interesting partner; we would not have it any other way than the way things are.

 

- when we are apart I need at least a goodnight text once per day that we are apart

 

- We both need firm boundaries with the opposite sex and to discuss them with each other before getting serious

 

- no history of them serial cheating

 

- we have to both be in a healthy and mature place that will enable a relationship to work

 

..............................................................

 

And I know what I want in a guy through experience.

 

And what I will not accept.....

 

You need your lover to demonstrate how much they love you every day. That's unsustainable. You want gestures, and you want to light up, but I'm telling you, after you've been in a relationship, that wears off. Gestures of love become them taking the garbage out and picking up their socks without having to ask.

 

If you act like this in a relationship - demonstrating this loving tendency by being overly clingy and smothery, it's not a healthy relationship. This kind of stuff ebbs and flows. It is not a high that continues indefinitely. They're demands by people with low self-esteem.

 

Sorry. I've seen this before. This kind of manic, hyper 'need-to-connect' in a relationship causes nothing but problems.

 

And you do not sacrifice yourself, your friends and family (so long as they are loving and supportive), your constructive interests, your career, NONE OF IT - for a man. And any man who expects that, it one to kick to the curb.

[Leigh 87]

Next time I will want to have friends to rely on and see much more often.

 

And taking the trash out and just doing things for other people that we do not enjoy doing ourselves, are also the things that show love lol.

 

I see what you mean there - that was how we both showed love too.

 

The overtly clingy behaviour, that I want to recognise and kill are things like:

 

- them going out, you picking them up, and them smothering you with hugs saying how much they missed you ( in what, 5 hours?)

 

- when they are in a dark mood, expecting you to stay in bed with them for TWO DAYS STRAIGHT, holding them.

 

- expecting me to finish dinner dates with friends early so I can go and help THEM or see them.

 

- telling me they get scared with how they feel about me, as it is too deep and they are scared about a life without me

 

Those behaviours are probably not healthy right?

 

Long term, when I do get into a relationship one day again, I will just expect those mundane daily acts of kindness without the intense and clingy behaviour.

[Leigh 87]

Oh - and I remember that I wanted to go meet a friend around the corner at he gym, and ____________ was like " no I don't feel well I want you to stay and look after me and spend time with me"

 

When we were always together anyway and I would have come back later that night anyway to be with them.

 

Not healthy.

[aisuru]

Leigh, you have to stop remembering. Stop reflecting on the past. Tuck it away. It's not doing you any good at all.

 

You bought a journal to write in riiiiight?

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, you have to stop remembering. Stop reflecting on the past. Tuck it away. It's not doing you any good at all.

 

You bought a journal to write in riiiiight?

 

 

It is online - I Just have a word document. I type way faster than I write.

 

I thought mentioning the bad things would help me move on lol

 

You're right though, probably best to stop mentioning things!

 

While I do need to recognise what is and is not healthy for a relationship, it is not like I will be in one for a long time, therefore it is useless even thinking about it now.

[metal_chick]

Yep, that is all overly co-dependant and weird.

[Leigh 87]

Yep, that is all overly co-dependant and weird.

 

 

Ugh.

 

I just thought this person was being "cute"

[metal_chick]

Ugh.

 

I just thought this person was being "cute"

 

Because they knew you would sacrifice your own time to be with them, they asked you those unreasonable things. Your friends would have noticed.

 

You know what I've done with friends who did that? I lost their phone number. If you're out with your friends, your bf can wait for you to get home, and vice versa.

 

Co-dependence and clinging in a relationship is not cute, it's creepy.

[Leigh 87]

Guys I think I am going to have to change my number. The blocking feature would not work.

 

I am going to the store I brought the phone from and I am going to ask them to block it for me, or to please change my number.

His texts managed to get through for some reason.

 

Here is my progress and my steps in attempting No Contact.

I am being dead honest so you can give me feedback, and maybe relate to what I am going through.

 

...................................................

 

Here are my attempts at No Contact so far

 

- I would ask for no contact, and it went like this

 

First attempt:I texted the following day or so. He immediately texted and rang me back, saying how much he wanted me still to be in his life.

 

2nd attempt: He agreed to it as he believed me when I said it was for my own good.

I ended up breaking it. When he never responded and since it was a Friday night I had a freak out that he had hooked up with girls and why the hell could he just replace me so easily.

I blew up his phone. He eventually rang me, saying that " I thought we weren't talking"

 

We texted occasionally and saw each other once after that. We were very happy in each others company as always but I knew that I could not stand not having sex with him or having a LIFE with him.

It impacted my self esteem because he wanted me in every way besides sexually. He swore up and down that he was very attracted to me, but it was "wrong" to put all this emotions into sex, because it would just be like old times, and he clearly knew we were broken up.

 

Other attempts: I would say a final goodbye, he would get really upset and then within a day or two, I would be so depressed without being able to reach out to the person I was so close to.

I would text him first.

He was always very happy.

 

Although the last attempt he actually said

 

" Leigh 87, it is traumatizing when you say goodbye forever to me, it really, really really upsets me to think that we will just stop talking"

" Please either do it one last time, or stop doing it, as I cannot stand to go through losing you every time"

[Leigh 87]

As it stands, we do not see each other and I am used to going to sleep and waking up alone and it is fine.

I know it is over. I know he is not coming back.

After the last attempt though, we still text and talk on the phone once a day or so.

 

He misses me a lot and wants to spend time together again

 

Obviously, I cannot do that!

 

The "feeling" I get from being around him will pull me in and it will make it harder to go without him. I am always a mess when I see him, and then leave; knowing it should be the last time I can see him ever again.

It is not as hard to cut contact when we have just been texting/talking. It is WAY harder the times I have seen him before then cutting contact.

 

..............................................................

 

Anyway, I will let you guys know what happens when I go into the phone shop; I am going to that mall to do some errands anyway, so I will definitely pop into that store.

 

They will either block his number, or change my number to a new one.

 

.................................................................

 

There is obviously no need to tell him I am cutting him out. He gets too upset when I do it anyway and I have lost credibility so he would not believe it to begin with.

 

.....................................................................

 

Why does he tell me that he wants to come visit me in my new down when I move?

 

He said " I'll still be single"

 

WHATEVER.

 

....................................................................

 

We barley text and I have not seen him so don't worry guys

 

It is not almost as difficult to just cut phone communication, than it is to see him for one last time.

 

I can't believe I have to change my number:o:o

[metal_chick]

Guys I think I am going to have to change my number. The blocking feature would not work.

 

I am going to the store I brought the phone from and I am going to ask them to block it for me, or to please change my number.

His texts managed to get through for some reason.

 

Here is my progress and my steps in attempting No Contact.

I am being dead honest so you can give me feedback, and maybe relate to what I am going through.

 

...................................................

 

Here are my attempts at No Contact so far

 

- I would ask for no contact, and it went like this

 

First attempt:I texted the following day or so. He immediately texted and rang me back, saying how much he wanted me still to be in his life.

 

2nd attempt: He agreed to it as he believed me when I said it was for my own good.

I ended up breaking it. When he never responded and since it was a Friday night I had a freak out that he had hooked up with girls and why the hell could he just replace me so easily.

I blew up his phone. He eventually rang me, saying that " I thought we weren't talking"

 

We texted occasionally and saw each other once after that. We were very happy in each others company as always but I knew that I could not stand not having sex with him or having a LIFE with him.

It impacted my self esteem because he wanted me in every way besides sexually. He swore up and down that he was very attracted to me, but it was "wrong" to put all this emotions into sex, because it would just be like old times, and he clearly knew we were broken up.

 

Other attempts: I would say a final goodbye, he would get really upset and then within a day or two, I would be so depressed without being able to reach out to the person I was so close to.

I would text him first.

He was always very happy.

 

Although the last attempt he actually said

 

" Leigh 87, it is traumatizing when you say goodbye forever to me, it really, really really upsets me to think that we will just stop talking"

" Please either do it one last time, or stop doing it, as I cannot stand to go through losing you every time"

 

:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

[aisuru]

.

I am being dead honest so you can give me feedback, and maybe relate to what I am going through.

 

I can't relate so I can't give you feedback. I am no contact. What are you doing to be no contact? What are your backup measures to remain in no contact?

[Leigh 87]

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I am still in the grey zone don't worry about me, seriously

 

There is no danger YET of me rocking up at his house (since I do not see him anyway) and finding his new girlfriend, who I try to kill!

 

I am still in a relatively safe position where I am not in danger of him texting " I have a new girlfriend" and in turn, having me get a restraining order against me:lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

We have just texted occasionally the past day but he is not going to go out and hook up with other girls, much less find a girlfriend.

 

IF I GO NC ASAP I will be living in blissful ignorance until I am indifferent.

 

I have been honestly living with the realisation we will never be together again, so I am in the right mindset.

[aisuru]

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I am still in the grey zone don't worry about me, seriously

 

There is no danger YET of me rocking up at his house (since I do not see him anyway) and finding his new girlfriend, who I try to kill!

 

I am still in a relatively safe position where I am not in danger of him texting " I have a new girlfriend" and in turn, having me get a restraining order against me:lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

We have just texted occasionally the past day but he is not going to go out and hook up with other girls, much less find a girlfriend.

 

IF I GO NC ASAP I will be living in blissful ignorance until I am indifferent.

 

I have been honestly living with the realisation we will never be together again, so I am in the right mindset.

 

YOU'RE TEXTING!?

 

Well, I guess that's a step. You're not at his place having sex I guess.

 

I'm sure you're feeling great! In control! In the power position!

 

Silly girl.

[Leigh 87]

*hides*

 

 

I think I better come back when I maintain one week No Contact so Metal Chick can calm down a bit.

 

My plan is to just go and change my number tomorrow and then to just.... Stop the texting. And talking to him.

 

Look I will let you guys know once I have started and maintained No Contact.

 

I HAVE been heading in the DIRECTION of cutting all contact.

 

As in, I have made adjustments in the way I think:

 

- I can comprehend that the break up is forever

 

.............................

 

 

 

 

Without maintain No Contact for long enough, I have not processed that it is forever, because it is only through No Contact that I will REALISE he is never going to come back. Because he won't.

 

Do you see where I am at? I don't EXPECT him to ever come back, I really don't. I do not live on that hope.

 

Now I need to prove it to myself, by actually removing him from my life, to that it is COMFIRMED that he never wants to be with me again.

 

............................

 

 

I feel like you can have the mentality that your going to move on and not get back together, but without No Contact, it is not yet proven to you?

 

Do you understand, guys? Until I SEE that he is moving on and has no interest in contacting me for another chance, I only THINK he won't. I do not "know" yet until I actually cut contact.

[Leigh 87]

YOU'RE TEXTING!?

 

Well, I guess that's a step. You're not at his place having sex I guess.

 

I'm sure you're feeling great! In control! In the power position!

 

Silly girl.

 

 

Look I am under no illusions that texting IS STILL going to lead to me getting my heart broken again, since he will hook up and find new girls to date seriously.

 

Your right that it IS better than seeing him! Not good enough, NC is only good enough, but STILL FAR better than actually seeing him in person.

 

As I said before, when I see him in person I get that really, really... High feeling where I am totally happy, comfortable, and no one else makes me feel like that just from siting next to them.

 

Being without him physically is a huge step - we were extremely close physically, so for me to live without that and accept it is forever, is a big thing.

[Leigh 87]

Anyway guys, I am in a calm yet very hard place...

 

He is still very much healing himself and is not open to diving into another relationship (since he is not the type to find girls easily for a relationship to begin with)

 

Talking to me, I can tell he is too stuck on the past to move on yet or within the next month or so.

 

But why is he short sighted enough to think we can still talk? What does he think will happen?

 

He is livid at the thought of me with other men, so why the hell does he think we can just.... talk?

 

...Just talk and what? Keep talking and holding on to the past only to start hooking up with other people, crushing the other persons heart?

 

I know we cannot talk and I am just stalling No Contact. I KNOW there is no other option. Sorry I have not been strong enough to do it yet, but I KNOW it is the only answer that will avoid more pain and suffering.

 

I wonder what the hell he thinks he is doing? WHAT GOOD can he possibly see he can get out of this?

Doe she just assume that we will "talk" and just get over our feelings for each other at exactly the same time, and then be totally indifferent to us both hooking up with other people?!?!?!?!?

 

It is just really idiotic to still talk, and I am for now, being an idiot...

[metal_chick]

Urgh, I'm done. Best of luck, Leigh. I'll continue to read your threads to remind myself of the dignity and peace that NC brings me, but my advice is clearly wasted.

[Leigh 87]

Why does he wants to start seeing me again? I mean, why can't he see how fcked up that is!

 

Seriously!? He leaves me, does not want a relationship with me, yet he just wants to be around me because it makes him "happy" to spend time with me?

 

He DOES NOT think a day ahead that idiot.

 

He just thinks about what feels good right NOW; which, of course, is to have me around.

 

What the hell does it think will happen? OH, we just hang out, make it more difficult for each other to move on, move on very slowly

 

He really just thinks we can hang out in some happy abyss without moving onto other people ever?

 

NO way IN HELL am I seeing him, I am really baffled at how short sighted he is being.

[Leigh 87]

Urgh, I'm done. Best of luck, Leigh. I'll continue to read your threads to remind myself of the dignity and peace that NC brings me, but my advice is clearly wasted.

 

 

 

 

No, I can see that NC is the only path to peace.

 

Really look. Come back in one week.

 

I am really going to do it.

 

I will not be making a thread about how "we kept hanging out and talking and remaining very close, but he moved on and hooked up with someone else!! How could he do that when we were hugging at night and holding hands?""

 

I want peace.

[aisuru]

Anyway guys, I am in a calm yet very hard place...

 

He is still very much healing himself and is not open to diving into another relationship (since he is not the type to find girls easily for a relationship to begin with)

 

Talking to me, I can tell he is too stuck on the past to move on yet or within the next month or so.

 

But why is he short sighted enough to think we can still talk? What does he think will happen?

 

He is livid at the thought of me with other men, so why the hell does he think we can just.... talk?

 

...Just talk and what? Keep talking and holding on to the past only to start hooking up with other people, crushing the other persons heart?

 

I know we cannot talk and I am just stalling No Contact. I KNOW there is no other option. Sorry I have not been strong enough to do it yet, but I KNOW it is the only answer that will avoid more pain and suffering.

 

I wonder what the hell he thinks he is doing? WHAT GOOD can he possibly see he can get out of this?

Doe she just assume that we will "talk" and just get over our feelings for each other at exactly the same time, and then be totally indifferent to us both hooking up with other people?!?!?!?!?

 

It is just really idiotic to still talk, and I am for now, being an idiot...

 

More importantly... what good are you getting from this? Ask yourself honestly?

 

Have you noticed that not one person has encouraged you on your path of maintaining contact? Why do you think that is?

 

In the long run, you're just hurting yourself.

[Leigh 87]

More importantly... what good are you getting from this? Ask yourself honestly?

 

Have you noticed that not one person has encouraged you on your path of maintaining contact? Why do you think that is?

 

In the long run, you're just hurting yourself.

 

 

 

 

Well from texting and calling I have not hurt myself yet. I feel happy when we talk.

 

I do not want encouragement.

 

I know even texting and talking on the phone is wrong.

 

There WILL be a very uncomfortable and upsetting stage where it dawns on me that he is moving on and hooking up with other people.

 

He will text less and less the more he moves on.

 

I will notice the changes in his behaviour; he is not acting like his usual self to me.

 

I will freak out and blow up his phone telling him that I am a mess cos he is obviously withdrawing from me cos he has moved on and is hooking up with other girls.

 

He will confirm it in a cold hearted way " well leigh 87, yes, I have moved on and we are just friends anyway remember?"

 

......................................................

 

 

See? I know exactly what will happen if we talk.

 

One of us will move on faster than the other, and we still start to withdrawn, and the other person will not be ready for the hooking up with other people stage.

 

He tells me I am ridiculous, that he will not be with other people...

 

I just say "yeah.. you're going to be celibate then"

 

 

 

 

 

......................................................

[Giha]

It really looks like you are enjoying this.

I guess you'll only get it when he tells you he is banging some other chick.

[lula69]

Hey Leigh87, I came here to understand your comments at YNL's last thread better.

 

And I must say, this is crazy, you seem to be running like a mouse in a wheel never getting anywhere but spending an inordinate amount of energy just running. Calm down. How old are you? I take it about 26. And how long this relationship? You're here since 2010 or so, so I take it 3 years. So, there is no reason to panic, you got time. Take time, focus on your core need, and know that your happiness does not depend on any single decision that you make.

 

You too operate with too many preconceived notions. If you break up and can't hold it for even a few days, it means you don't really want to break up, but something is telling you to break up and run and hide as if there was imminent danger of you being swallowed up by a fire or something. You should stop and think calm and hard, why do you think you need to break up? ... Wait, don't talk just yet what comes from the top of your head, look deeper down into your heart and bring it together with your experience that you are not whole with the breaking up.

 

From what I see reading your replies, I hear you blaming a lot on him, and disowning your responsibility for the state of your relationship. I hear he has issues with just having sex. He seems to need to feel safe to have sex. I sounds a bit like a Nice Guy. On the other hand you are calling him a jerk, and you deposited the reason that he had tried paid sex at some time. You promptly framed this event as "what he did to me". This is all I gather so far. And most of the conversation here is about your failed half-hearted attempts at no-contact.

 

I'm new to this forum, so I don't get the culture here, and I am so far only reading the second-chances section. But there seems to be the same thing going on more than once. People running in their little mouse wheel trying to force themselves to break a relationship in which it looks to me they haven't even really given their best to make it work. Then there are others who hug and also blame and shame people on to assist in the break-up. And underneath this I hear those people having their own resentments and hurt, and the hope that the right person would make them happy (or never did which results in resentment in life in general.) Too many preconceived notions.

 

Quit running.

Calm down.

Take it slow.

Listen to your heart in the present moment of the relationship.

Stop the violent thought and all that external stuff and circular talk and busyness.

Go with the flow that you're going anyway.

Don't run away but go through the relationship.

Edited May 30, 2013 by lula69

[Leigh 87]

It really looks like you are enjoying this.

I guess you'll only get it when he tells you he is banging some other chick.

 

 

I Actually know this person more than you do.

 

He will not be banging some other chick anytime soon. He is not over me and believe him when he says there is no way he would do that while we are still texting.

 

Not all dudes just bang other chicks when they first break up with someone..

Some guys actually likes their exes too much to be able to just do that right away.

 

Stop being so negative and stop assuming you know my ex.

There is no way I would have agreed to talk to him again, unless he clearly promised me that one thing; there is no way I am comfortable talking to him again, if he WILL hook up with other girls.

He is still in the stage where he is traumatized by the break up, and has 100% guaranteed that he will not hook up with girls while we still remain in contact.

 

Really, not all guys lie and are jerks to their exes like that.

 

 

HE ALSO feels sick at the idea of me being with other dudes.

 

............................

 

 

 

You know what? Some people are actually decent to each other after the break up.

 

There IS such thing as a grace period, where the two people do not just go and sleep around right away!

 

It is common decency, and I have ALWAYS known that if we ever broke up, we would both have the decency to NOT hurt the other person in this way.

 

...............................

 

 

Of course, we cannot keep talking forever!

 

We are not both going to remain celibate.

He is not a bad guy and he cares about me too much to say one thing, and then do something that would crush me.

I know this man so trust me, I will be fine.

I Will cut the chord when it gets too hard for me to talk to him.

He really has sworn to me that he would never hurt me by hooking up with other people while we are still in contact.

 

.................................

 

You don't need to worry about me, I will be long gone by the time he even close to being ready to just move on and be with other women.

In fact, I am not so sure that I can even keep talking to him for long at all.

In saying all this, can people stop adopting a negative tone in regards to HIM breaking my heart?

 

I find it really negative of people to assume that all guys are @ssholes that will lie and say whatever it takes to get their ex girlfriend to keep talking to them.

 

Not everyone lies. Some people are kind enough to their former partner to NOT hook up with other people right away, and they refrain from doing this until each partner has cut contact and are very much AWAY, and out of the picture.

 

You have to under stand that we are very much attached, we were best fiends and even though he is the dumper, it is hard for them to just let go and have no contact with me.

I will listen to what is right for me, and I will respect myself enough to make the decision to cut the rope from him when I feel the need.

It will be well before my trip in a month, as I want to be able to go and not exactly have to knock back a kiss from a hot dude if the opportunity arises.

 

Obviously once I go, we will both hook up from that point, and I will be very clear with him that sorry, I need to cut all ties weeks before I leave so that we can both not be concerned with what the other person is doing.

 

I know what to do guys. This is not an ongoing situation that I can allow to go on.