Same <stuff>, different day

[Leigh 87]

Hey Leigh87, I came here to understand your comments at YNL's last thread better.

 

And I must say, this is crazy, you seem to be running like a mouse in a wheel never getting anywhere but spending an inordinate amount of energy just running. Calm down. How old are you? I take it about 26. And how long this relationship? You're here since 2010 or so, so I take it 3 years. So, there is no reason to panic, you got time. Take time, focus on your core need, and know that your happiness does not depend on any single decision that you make.

 

You too operate with too many preconceived notions. If you break up and can't hold it for even a few days, it means you don't really want to break up, but something is telling you to break up and run and hide as if there was imminent danger of you being swallowed up by a fire or something. You should stop and think calm and hard, why do you think you need to break up? ... Wait, don't talk just yet what comes from the top of your head, look deeper down into your heart and bring it together with your experience that you are not whole with the breaking up.

 

From what I see reading your replies, I hear you blaming a lot on him, and disowning your responsibility for the state of your relationship. I hear he has issues with just having sex. He seems to need to feel safe to have sex. I sounds a bit like a Nice Guy. On the other hand you are calling him a jerk, and you deposited the reason that he had tried paid sex at some time. You promptly framed this event as "what he did to me". This is all I gather so far. And most of the conversation here is about your failed half-hearted attempts at no-contact.

 

I'm new to this forum, so I don't get the culture here, and I am so far only reading the second-chances section. But there seems to be the same thing going on more than once. People running in their little mouse wheel trying to force themselves to break a relationship in which it looks to me they haven't even really given their best to make it work. Then there are others who hug and also blame and shame people on to assist in the break-up. And underneath this I hear those people having their own resentments and hurt, and the hope that the right person would make them happy (or never did which results in resentment in life in general.) Too many preconceived notions.

 

Quit running.

Calm down.

Take it slow.

Listen to your heart in the present moment of the relationship.

Stop the violent thought and all that external stuff and circular talk and busyness.

Go with the flow that you're going anyway.

Don't run away but go through the relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

There is no relationship.

 

I am only talking to him because he is begging me to talk for a while longer.

 

He wants to see if our interactions can change from the past and if we can both put our issues aside for a second so we can just talk and be ourselves without drama. Which I am happy to do.

 

Obviously, I will very soon have to cut contact with him.

[Giha]

So on the one hand you two don't want to be together, but on the other hand you promised each other you won't hook up with others while in contact.

So, basically, you two just plan on being miserable.

 

I just don't know what else to tell you.

Prepare for a rude awakening...

[Leigh 87]

So on the one hand you two don't want to be together, but on the other hand you promised each other you won't hook up with others while in contact.

So, basically, you two just plan on being miserable.

 

I just don't know what else to tell you.

Prepare for a rude awakening...

 

 

 

We talk because it makes us happy to talk to one another.

 

It is a transition period. We are not going to be miserable because we cannot have sex for the week or two we remain in contact.

 

We are not miserable YET cos we get to enjoy talking without having to face the other person being with others.

 

The key here, is to not let the transition period go on for too long before I cut contact.

 

I will be the one to cut the contact as he never wants to.

[Treasa]

I think what's going to happen is that he's going to keep talking to her until he finds someone he likes and wants to date, THEN cut contact with her, being a decent guy and all, and then get with the new girl.

 

So, basically, Leigh is a placeholder. That's my opinion, and I'm sticking by it.

 

If you want to stop being a pushover, stop doing things for a man who is begging you to be his emotional tampon after dumping you.

[Leigh 87]

I think what's going to happen is that he's going to keep talking to her until he finds someone he likes and wants to date, THEN cut contact with her, being a decent guy and all, and then get with the new girl.

 

So, basically, Leigh is a placeholder. That's my opinion, and I'm sticking by it.

 

If you want to stop being a pushover, stop doing things for a man who is begging you to be his emotional tampon after dumping you.

 

 

Of course I have told him that.

 

He has stressed that he likes me too much to be able to want to date someone new.

 

He promised that he is not using me a place holder.

[Treasa]

Of course I have told him that.

 

He has stressed that he likes me too much to be able to want to date someone new.

 

He promised that he is not using me a place holder.

 

I've read your past threads about him. I wouldn't put too much store by this guy.

 

Besides, people can change their minds, and being in contact with him isn't helping you.

 

But you're going to do what you want, even if it's not good for you.

[Leigh 87]

He never finds girls he likes enough to date lol. Only me, and one other girl besides me. In gis adult life.

 

He doesn't easily go out and meet girls that be dates.

 

He never dated as much as most guys.

 

I told him that me talking to him is only temporary.

 

........

 

 

I said loud and clear that I don't just want to stick around until he finds a woman that he likes enough to want to be with.

 

He honestly thinks that's disgusting. He clearly expressed that he's not ready to date others.

 

He still has too strong romantic feelings for me to be able to even consider wanting to be with someone else.

 

I KNOW I can't continue talking to him. You don't need to tell me.

 

What I'm doing now is not going to continue to the stage where he looses enkugh feelings for me, that will enable him to date others.

 

You have to understand that he liked me more than some girl that he will be abe able to replace any time soon.

 

I have ample time. Before I would run the risk of talking to him while he was ready to date others.

[Treasa]

You're going to keep talking to him until he loses his feelings for you and is able to move on.

 

Wow. I would never do that. If a guy breaks up with me, it's done. He loses all parts of me, and he'll have to deal with the 'trauma' on his own.

[Leigh 87]

I've read your past threads about him. I wouldn't put too much store by this guy.

 

Besides, people can change their minds, and being in contact with him isn't helping you.

 

But you're going to do what you want, even if it's not good for you.

 

 

 

Look I can tell he's not lying. I know that much okay. He felt too strongly about me to be able to let go of those feelings enough to want other people yet.

 

I'm not going to draw this out for long. We are talking days. A week tops.

 

I know how he feels. He isn't ready to be with other girls.

 

I will be long gone by the time he is.

[Leigh 87]

You're going to keep talking to him until he loses his feelings for you and is able to move on.

 

Wow. I would never do that. If a guy breaks up with me, it's done. He loses all parts of me, and he'll have to deal with the 'trauma' on his own.

 

 

 

 

No way in hell am I doing that.

 

I want to move on and date again too.

 

I am absolutely not going to keep talking to him for that long. Just no.

[Treasa]

No way in hell am I doing that.

 

I want to move on and date again too.

 

I am absolutely not going to keep talking to him for that long. Just no.

 

Put your money where your mouth is, sister. Cut all contact, including replies, right now.

 

If you can honestly do it for a week, then I have some faith in your strength. If you can't, I'll know that he still has you by the proverbial balls.

[Leigh 87]

I know myself.

 

I am strong enough to cut contact soon.

 

I know I'll do it, which is why I'm not worried. I know there is no way that I'll talk to him long enough for him to get over me.

 

I'm losing feelings too, romantically. I'm not holding on as strongly as I once was.

 

He broke up with me and I too want to cut the texting and talking so that I can date other people in a few months.

 

Talking retains feelings still, for us both.

 

He says that he finds it hard to move on while we are still in contact. That when I'm around, he's not able to really like other girls.

[Treasa]

 

He says that he finds it hard to move on while we are still in contact. That when I'm around, he's not able to really like other girls.

 

Exactly. Which is why you are doing it.

[Leigh 87]

I'll get back to this thread in 2 weeks.

 

I'll update then.

 

You didn't know our relationship or how he felt so I don't appreciate people alluding to him being able to just move on in a matter of weeks.

 

He actually loved me and likes me too much to overlook his opinion and feelings about me, to be open to liking someone.

.........

 

 

 

 

I plan to cut contact within THIS WEEK. If not tomorrow.

 

I'll update you all 1 or 2 weeks after I cut contact.

 

Until then have faith and wish me luck, there's no need to assume the worst.

[Giha]

If I had a dollar for every time you said you were going to go NC.

 

What would a few days\week would gain you? Not a thing. Just delaying your healing process and your moving-on...

[Leigh 87]

Exactly. Which is why you are doing it.

 

 

 

I admire you're no bulll****e policy with men.

 

I want to emulate that.

 

Just come back to this thread in a week or two from now.

 

I nedx to go do it before I keep talking about it.

 

Talking about it gives it power. I want to just cut contact and not talk about it.

 

I want to come back after I do it and maintain it.

 

That is all I have to say.

 

See you all in a week or so.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Ok. He's either going to responding to your texts one day soon with the news that he's found a woman he really likes and wants to be with. Or, more likely, he'll just fade off from responding to your texts at all.

 

Too bad you didn't want to have any pro-active part in what happened here.

 

I promise you that he won't keep responding to your CONSTANT initiating of contact the way you want him to. He broke up with you for a reason. The reason is that he wants to be done with this. And he will be soon. On HIS terms.

 

I wonder how much attention, sympathy and advice you'll be getting here when this happens? Probably still quite a lot. Even if you create your own misery all by yourself from here on out, people (including me, even though I'm a "bitchhhhh") will not like to see your pain and will try to ease it for you. And hold off on saying "I told you so."

 

Spare me all the garbage about how Andrew feels and what he will do and won't do, please. I can just re-read any of your recent 269753 posts if I get interested in refreshing my memory about all of that. Anyone can.

 

Here's one simple basic question for you, Leigh. I hope you will think about it and answer in a straightforward and honest manner:

 

Do you want to be dealt with here as an independent, adult young woman who's fully capable of at least trying to approach life as such? I mean, TRYING. Not necessarily succeeding all the time. And, of course, not being a perfect young adult woman but one with human flaws like the rest of us have.

 

Or, would you prefer to be responded to as if you are some kind of disabled individual who is not able to make life choices, differentiate between speaking the truth and BS, deal with reality, etc?

 

If your answer is #1, you'll need to change the way you use LoveShack. If it's #2, just go right on as you always have.

[TaintedHeart]

So you go to the extreme thoughts of needing to know if he dies but you dont want to even entertain the thought of him changing his mind and wanting to hook up with other people while you're still around.

 

The latter is much much more likely to happen.

 

You've gone from taking your phone in store today to block his number to a matter of days, then a week, or two....

Edited May 30, 2013 by TaintedHeart

[mtnbiker3000]

So, I read about 2 pages of this drivel...

 

What I notice about you Leigh, is that every couple of days you make a new post about screwing up on NC or something, then pages and pages of defense when people call you out. I think you just like all of the attention you get here on LS in some sick way. Or else, you would just stop posting, right?

[Leigh 87]

I'm going to cut him off.

 

That's why I'm here. To get encouragement for doing the right thing.

 

Unlike in real life, people here will vehemently protest when I go down the wrong path.

While I disagree that he would just be able to find someone be wants to be with any time soon, I it would happen eventually. He doesn't date women in general. Much less straight after a serious relationship.

 

Personally, he is going to hook up far sooner than he will move on from me enough to consider other girls. It took him 6 months to meet me since he parted ways wifh his ex s

Ex.

 

Guess what though? I sure don't want to be around when he hooks up.

 

He is a stupid idiot for actually thinking that we are safe in talking. Of course neither of us want to go without sex for months. While, like most dumpers, he is likely to move on faster, I too want to be able to enjoy meeting new guys one day.

Edited May 30, 2013 by Leigh 87

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm going to cut him off.

 

That's why I'm here. To get encouragement for doing the right thing.

 

Unlike in real life, people here will vehemently protest when I go down the wrong path.

While I disagree that he would just be able to find someone be wants to be with any time soon, I it would happen eventually. He doesn't date women in general. Much less straight after a serious relationship.

 

Personally, he is going to hook up far sooner than he will move on from me enough to consider other girls. It took him 6 months to meet me since he parted ways wifh his ex s

Ex.

 

Guess what though? I sure don't want to be around when he hooks up.

 

He is a stupid idiot for actually thinking that we are safe in talking. Of course neither of us want to go without sex for months. While, like most dumpers, he is likely to move on faster, I too want to be able to enjoy meeting new guys one day.

 

"That's it Andrew, we are going NC!"

http://www.morethings.com/fan/the_shield/pictures/season_6/curtis_lemansky_funeral-115.jpg

[Leigh 87]

People in the real world mostly don't have a clue, hence why loveshack will save me SO MUCH pain.

 

If I just had HIM to go by, I would just think...

 

- okay, he has sworn that he wants us to both be loyal while we still talk

- he has asked to see if I have changed from the way I carried on in the relationship so that we could either get back together, or be friends later on.

- I would be able to changes short term, as I know the things I did that made the relationship bad. Long term therapy is needed, however; initially., I would want to stay around and be around with without the drama of our relationship

- I would have felt pretty bad that he didn't want to have sex with me. Like he is obviously not that into me physically ( despite his violent protests to the contrary)

 

...................................................................

 

Thanks to reading about how No Contact and how it is literally the ONLY thing that works, I am NOT going to go down the path that I WOULD Have taken, had I never been on loveshack.

 

Give me a break - I was living in his pocket and raised dogs together - we were EXTREMELY close and still texted just to transition for a bit, despite my attempts at no contact.

I still don't see him, and I plan to just go into the phone store today when I am in the mall, and literally change my number or block him.

 

The occasional texting was NEVER intended to go on for much longer!

 

This was an almost 3 year relationship!!!!!!!!! It was very serious, we both thought about marriage, and we got over out disdain for relationship and we actually felt HAPPY when we thought about a life together (rather than unsure or trapped)'

 

It is not so easy as to just block their numbers from day ONE. Especially when I fainted and collapsed and we were both crying messes. We looked after each other the first couple of days.

 

Now? I have rejected his strong requests to hang out and hold hands and be all close like we once were. It is just like we are still in a relationship when we did hang out before, minus the sex.

 

I am at the texting stage (it is HIM that initiates, I am NOT chasing some dude who does not wanna' know me)

 

I am at a MUCH better stage now that will make is FAR easier for me to just cut him off entirely!

Going from occasional texting to No Contact will not be anywhere close to as painful, as if I had still seen my dogs, his dogs, the newborn puppies, and HIM.

 

 

I feel much more ready to go No Contact. I know it will hurt, butthe more we text and talk, the more I get annoyed at the way he acts like I am still his "baby" and get called all my usual pet names, when HE DOES NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME.

It only hampers my ability to move on from HIM, when he is treating me like I am still his girlfriend in many ways.

[dreamingoftigers]

People in the real world mostly don't have a clue, hence why loveshack will save me SO MUCH pain.

 

If I just had HIM to go by, I would just think...

 

- okay, he has sworn that he wants us to both be loyal while we still talk

- he has asked to see if I have changed from the way I carried on in the relationship so that we could either get back together, or be friends later on.

- I would be able to changes short term, as I know the things I did that made the relationship bad. Long term therapy is needed, however; initially., I would want to stay around and be around with without the drama of our relationship

- I would have felt pretty bad that he didn't want to have sex with me. Like he is obviously not that into me physically ( despite his violent protests to the contrary)

 

...................................................................

 

Thanks to reading about how No Contact and how it is literally the ONLY thing that works, I am NOT going to go down the path that I WOULD Have taken, had I never been on loveshack.

 

Give me a break - I was living in his pocket and raised dogs together - we were EXTREMELY close and still texted just to transition for a bit, despite my attempts at no contact.

I still don't see him, and I plan to just go into the phone store today when I am in the mall, and literally change my number or block him.

 

The occasional texting was NEVER intended to go on for much longer!

 

This was an almost 3 year relationship!!!!!!!!! It was very serious, we both thought about marriage, and we got over out disdain for relationship and we actually felt HAPPY when we thought about a life together (rather than unsure or trapped)'

 

It is not so easy as to just block their numbers from day ONE. Especially when I fainted and collapsed and we were both crying messes. We looked after each other the first couple of days.

 

Now? I have rejected his strong requests to hang out and hold hands and be all close like we once were. It is just like we are still in a relationship when we did hang out before, minus the sex.

 

I am at the texting stage (it is HIM that initiates, I am NOT chasing some dude who does not wanna' know me)

 

I am at a MUCH better stage now that will make is FAR easier for me to just cut him off entirely!

Going from occasional texting to No Contact will not be anywhere close to as painful, as if I had still seen my dogs, his dogs, the newborn puppies, and HIM.

 

 

I feel much more ready to go No Contact. I know it will hurt, butthe more we text and talk, the more I get annoyed at the way he acts like I am still his "baby" and get called all my usual pet names, when HE DOES NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME.

It only hampers my ability to move on from HIM, when he is treating me like I am still his girlfriend in many ways.

 

Yes Leigh, it's TOUGH!

 

But going through something TOUGH MAKES YOU TOUGHER!

 

Now work those NC muscles! Instead of those NC-typing muscles!

 

HUP-2-3-4 GET YOUR AS* TO THE PHONE STORE!

 

[Leigh 87]

Look people should stop always assuming the worst case scenario and stop beating me up over occasionally texting him!

 

It is HARD for us both to go from being each others first loves and EXTREMELY attached, to just never talking or seeing each other again.

 

I have gotten it down to texts and talking, without caving into his requests to see me.

......................Which I think is very good since I HAD two small dogs who I love to death, as well as HIS two dogs who I love to death and cry over when I think about them and how much I miss them.

 

Now, I have managed to go from daily contact and an unhealthy co dependence on my ex, to NOT SEEING HIM or the dogs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I have made progress insofar as limiting contact.

 

I want encouragement, I DO NOT plan to continue texting and talking.

 

It has taken me a little longer than I had hoped for to cut contact, but I am only human and we all make mistakes.

 

The longer I go without him physically and emotionally in a relationship, the less hard it will be to just cut the chord.

 

.................

 

I find it disgusting how people assume the worst and say terribly nasty things to me like " oh well, yournot gunna cut contact EVER and he is just gunna go bang some chick very soon"

 

PLEASE. Your NASTY people if you assume the WORST every time.

 

I find it quiet disturbing that people pick the most negative outcome, and assume it will happen VERY SOON:sick:

 

.................

 

I am a very positive person, which is a large reason why a lot of people like me in my real life; I encourage people.

 

I would like ENCOURAGEMENT in the form of

 

" okay Leigh 87, that was a big step to go without seeing your dogs, the puppies and him. Now you should be ready to just cut the contact altogether soon. If you fail well, we told you so, but good luck Leigh 87 I hope you can do this"

 

.....................

 

So GIVE ME A BREAK, it is only human to reach out and text occasionally when you were once SO close to a person, it DOES NOT mean I have false hopes or that I DONT WANT to move on.

 

I KNOW I will go No Contact, because it is the only intelligent thing to do in this situation.

 

So PLEASE - let me to the right thing, and DO NOT bombard me with negative messages about how I am never going to do what is right and blablabla.:mad:

[mtnbiker3000]

And it continues... Leigh throws out a hook. We bite. Then she reels us in with defense, defense, defense. Again, I think she likes all this attention. Why else continue with this odd forum behavior?

 

Seriously, why don't you act instead of come here to LS to get a rise from us. I really think most everyone is tired of hearing about this, offering advice, and you saying how we don't know, we're wrong, stop bashing you, etc... I dare you. Stop posting. Or post something that actually makes healing sense and shows an effort to move forward. It's just the same old same old...

 

B O R I N G...