Same <stuff>, different day

[Leigh 87]

I am about to head of to therapy. I will just tell her my life story and about my break up and then get her to help me with ways I can deal with No Contact and the anxiety surrounding it.

 

As it stands, I broke it when I felt incredibly sad without him and talking to him suddenly made me feel better.

 

It was not to get him back, as never felt for a second that talking to him will make him fall in love with me enough to stay.

 

It is more to temporarily end the anxiety I feel when I cannot talk to the man who was once the ONLY person I went to in times of stress.

 

I have to realise that it is a WAVE: I feel anxious without being able to talk to someone I naturally always went to in times of trouble.

 

...If I ride the wave, it will eventually stop and I will be fine again without the need to contact him.

 

That is how it feels for me... I will miss him and the dogs and my old life with him terribly, I get anxious without being able to turn to him...

 

Sometimes I ride the wave, and other times I cave in.

 

So far it has been once every two days, and the once a day I will text.

 

I have stopped needing to see him or talk to him really, I have weened myself off so that very sporadic texting curbs the anxiety.

 

Also -the more I break NC and the further from the break up I get, I CAN SEE more and more each time I break contact that IT MAKES ME FEEL WORSE.

 

Each time I do it, I feel worse. Because I only feel again and again that yes he does not want to be WITH me.

 

I will talk or see him; It feels high, he will hold my hand, he makes me feel like old times.

 

....Very soon though I feel like crapppp that he does not want sex and a committed life together.

 

It relieves pain initially, only to make it more and more clear how much HE WILL NOT want to be with me again.

 

..........

 

That is the cycle.

 

I hope the therapist will give me a strategy to deal with NC.

 

I AM going to block his number before I return to the boards, I just have to ring my service provider/store I got the phone from and tell them to block the number for me.

 

I really think I will stop contacting him.

[Leigh 87]

Another reason I WILL block his number so he cannot call or text, is because obviously he does not take NC seriously anymore since I always cave in.

 

He even said " yeah we should text and at least check up on each other I want to talk to you it is really stupid not being able to talk at all"

 

If I do not block him sigh* he will just continue feeding me so called "bread crumbs" where he tells me he loves me, calls me usual pet names, until he eventually DOES move on.

 

I will be left with what once WAS; and I will still be attached to a man who does not want to be with me romantically.

 

If I do not block his way of contacting me, he WILL contact me, I WILL prob cave in and send a wee little text, and I WILL NOT be able to move on.

 

I can see what WILL result if I do not block him entirely.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

And I am a women who does not believe in waiting for the right guy and to be abstinent in the meanwhile

 

Stop trying to imply that I need to go without being sexual for a long long long time plz.

 

I enjoy being sexual too much to just go without it long term, there fore I prefer to enjoy it in between relationships.

 

It is really no big deal.

 

Dude, YOU are the only one making a big deal about it. A huge, giantic deal I think you've even started two whole separate threads about this!

 

How many of the women posting here do you think have sex with a guy just because they feel like it, without moral implications to themselves? A whole bunch of them. How many of them are carrying on, and on, and on about it? About zero. Except for you.

 

Do you think this could have some meaning? I do! I think that people who are in a good place to enjoy casual sex are by definition … CASUAL about it.

 

Stop trying to find ways why I cannot get what I want, aka, to enjoy sex without having to wait over a year for the right guy.

 

Are you hallucinating? Where have I ever "tried to imply" or "tried to find ways" for you not to get sex?

 

I could not give one rat's ass whether you have sex with an entire army of strangers every day of your life, if you were to go into it with a healthy attitude.

 

Which you DO NOT HAVE. So, since this is an advice board and you are on here (a LOT) apparently seeking advice, or at least input, I will tell you what I think about what you write, if I feel like it.

 

 

I don't see anything immoral with sex with a new person every 3 or 4 months sorry.

 

Neither do I. But an emotionally unstable young woman with many issues around SEX and ATTACHMENT would do best to avoid such situations until she gets it together somewhat.

[Leigh 87]

Yes I meant after I settle down from the break up.

 

And the is no chance I would get attached. I only intend to invest myself when it feels like there is an obvious mutual desire to date.

 

Other wise I don't have urges to need to attach myself to a person. I have close people to me in my life.

 

Attaching myself to another person is highly undesirable. I just got my heart broken. Am not seeking to fix that with sex with new people.

[Leigh 87]

I blocked his number.

 

You can't block yourself from being able to call them, however. At least I can prevent myself reacting to breadcrumbs.

 

I saw the therapist and we are going to do a variation of CBT. It is about how to channel my thoughts and deal with them effectively.

 

I have only ever talked to therapist before and not actually implement any techniques. Thus will be a first.

 

I have to practice the therapy for ten mins a day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am also taking the rest of his things to the local charity store rather than keeping them. There's only a hand full of items left.

[Leigh 87]

To clarify- I was able to block his number from being able to reach me.

 

I can see myself being able to resist calling him. I can. I seriously cannot foresee the worst case scenario ( me texting and calling and staying hopelessly in love while he gets over me and moves on right in front of me)

 

If he can't text, I only have my own urges to deal with. I don't have to deal with him contacting me, which was hard to ignore.

[Leigh 87]

Anyway I am beyond sad.

 

I feel like I will never see from him or my dogs every again.

 

It is the worst pain I have ever felt, it is just..

 

I'm sad:(

 

I have to write in my journal now. And get out of the house and go to the gym and stuff.

 

I do not care if something happens to him or his family and I am not contactable.

 

He is dead to me. He cut the chord when he decided he did not want me in every way, anymore.

 

I always planned on being more supportive but I have to put me first.

 

I literally have to act like he is gone forever and that I will never see or hear from him again.

 

It actually helps, as I feel there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

It is a great relief that I can see that, if I follow the advice of THOUSANDS of people who did No Contact successfully, that I will be able to avoid SO much more pain.

 

It is a relief that the end of the pain IS in sight; while it hurts terribly to say goodbye forever to a person you miss every second.

[smorgenHeckengard]

I think people are concerned because you seem to be seeking sex for validation that guys still want you. Otherwise you would be exhausting vibrators. I'm not saying you don't like sex, but I don't get the impression that sex is actually what you want in this case.

 

This is exactly what I said in her thread yesterday, and got in trouble for.

I'm not trying to be mean Leigh, but you want the validation of someone loving you. I think thats why you're so stuck on how much he loved you. It validates you as a person, and now that he doesn't want you you're falling apart. Please go to the doctors and get the help you need. Take this oppurtunity to better yourself so that this cycle does not repeat its self in the next relationship. Stop worrying about sex with randoms right now.

And i'm sorry but if you were so madly in love with Andrew as you tell us, I personally dont think you would be worried about that. I broke up with my SO not to long ago and I can't even think about sex with anyone else.

[smorgenHeckengard]

Don't worry about that right now Leigh.

You say you guys had a deep connection. I'm sure when enough time has passed you may be able to be friends, or even at a minimum be able to catch up.

 

Just worry about you right now. If it's meant to be, you'll be friends again some day. Just have faith.

 

Anyway I am beyond sad.

 

I feel like I will never see from him or my dogs every again.

 

It is the worst pain I have ever felt, it is just..

 

I'm sad:(

 

I have to write in my journal now. And get out of the house and go to the gym and stuff.

 

I do not care if something happens to him or his family and I am not contactable.

 

He is dead to me. He cut the chord when he decided he did not want me in every way, anymore.

 

I always planned on being more supportive but I have to put me first.

 

I literally have to act like he is gone forever and that I will never see or hear from him again.

 

It actually helps, as I feel there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

It is a great relief that I can see that, if I follow the advice of THOUSANDS of people who did No Contact successfully, that I will be able to avoid SO much more pain.

 

It is a relief that the end of the pain IS in sight; while it hurts terribly to say goodbye forever to a person you miss every second.

[metal_chick]

Aww man, I'm late to the freakin' party...

 

It's like a drug! The voice comforting you is only a temporary solution. It's not going to ease the addiction.

 

You've just got to battle through.

 

Look, the easiest way to break a habit, it to replace it with something else. I used to be a chronic nail-biter. I replaced biting my nails with getting regular manicures. I had lovely, long, polished nails that I spent my hard-earned money on, so I didn't want to bite them! After a while, the urge to bite stopped. It's not been several years and I don't bite them anymore. They are however, cut really short on my left hand now - the sacrifices we make for our craft (guitar).

 

But the point is - no longer biting. Andrew is a habit you have to break, that's all.

[Leigh 87]

I am taking it like I have said goodbye to him forever as that is the mind frame I need to adopt, I realised.

 

I cannot anticipate scenarios like "one day I know we will be friends" or " when his father passes away I want to be there to support him"

 

I am grasping at the easiest way out for ME to take, which is pretty much acting like he does not exist. To use my therapy to help deal with my thoughts in a healthy manner. To not let my thoughts of him be anymore than thoughts, which I accept and then let go of.

 

I am taking it very hard, but I know going without him in a very severe way is so much better than remaining stuck on a guy who will move on and end up with someone else, right under my nose unless I literally disappear from his life.

[metal_chick]

I need to block his number after all.

 

Damn.

 

It lasted a day lol.

 

Oh well no biggie, I was only on day one of no contact anyways.

 

All it took was a small text and all of a sudden he stops taking my NC seriously and calls me. Knowing full well that he did not want me back lol.

 

I mean, he is so retarded; when I say " friends hey? oh YEAH buddies, so how about when we are all hanging out together and we are holding hands and hugging for hours, and I go out and hook up?

 

You know, since you keep saying "lets be friends", I guess we will just hang out, be super close as you put it, and then go...bang other people the day after we are all lovey?

 

He is too short sighted and unaware to see this occurring.

 

...........

 

I will report back tomorrow after I officially get his number blocked/from me calling him and him calling me.

 

 

 

 

 

And how the hell did this become a thread? I posted this in younglove89's thread, and then someone put it up here? IT sure wasn't me!

 

He's not retarded. You keep opening the door. YOU keep encouraging him. Slam the door. Bolt it shut. Stick a guard dog in front of it that'll bite his family jewels off. Take some responsibility here, stop projecting your weakness onto Andrew like it's his fault.

 

If I emailed xMM and then got mad because he responded, how is that fair? I woould be the one who contacted him. He'd respond (which is why I'm not emailing him!). Take some responsibility, girl!

[dreamingoftigers]

No I genuinely want people to get that I was not just a piece of trash to him, and he did love me a good deal.

 

Some people act like he cared to little about me, and will therefore go onto the next girl and realise how much he will do for HER within the first month, more than he did for me in the entire time.

 

It was not the worst case scenario where the dude just is not into you.

 

I need people to respect the fact that I am not stupid and KNOW that he truly loved me, even though not enough to be with me in the end.

It does not mean he NEVER loved me or never cared all that much.

 

I tell it how it is' and I do not tolerate others who claim to know more about my own ex than I do.

 

I have been around a bit; I know it when a guy treats me like crapp only to move onto the next girl and be like WOW now THIS is what love is, I am going to treat her so much better than the last girl cos I ACTUALLY LIKE this girl

 

Sorry but I know we had a loving relationship, however toxic it was, and I will not tolerate people who tell me I am deluded and he never loved me.

 

The bolded is too much of an expectation for the internet in general.

 

I doubt many will validate it.

 

I actually think that many people are like the Scorpion in Aesop's fable about the Scorpion and the Fox.

 

The Scorpion and the Frog - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Okay, well on wikipedia they call it a "frog" instead of a fox.

 

The point is that when we attach to someone early on we generally have mixed or good intentions. Unless you're a sociopath. I doubt Andrew was a sociopath.

 

But the point is, we all think we can change and just be as wonderful as our partner sees us. And that we can trust our partner (oxytocin effect). But the thing is, when the "high" from the love chemicals starts to wear off, we depend on our emotional attachment. At this point, we start to see our beloved more clearly AND we start a return to our nature. Our nature may have matured over the passage of time and experience. But sometimes they haven't at all.

 

So despite our best intentions to "make it across the river" and journey with our partner, we end up wounding them instead. I think that Andrew and you both had those natures that are wounded already, you KNOW this. And since that is the case, you KNOW that it will keep you stinging the people you love (and he will too) until you resolve those things at the core that bring about such instability. Like the insecurity and constant need for validation.

 

In fact, it really doesn't matter who on Loveshack thinks what if you KNOW differently or have been able to piece together enough to see it for yourself.

 

But the truth is, it doesn't matter in a sense whether the core of him was in it 10% or 83% or 99%. He couldn't overcome his and your nature (and vice versa I'm sure) to keep committed to the relationship 100%.

 

There are so many variables to a relationship that saying "lack of love" collapsed it is far too simplistic in most cases. Often there is great love, but a lack of energy or a lack of capability or a lack of understanding or empathy. Or even so much hurt, that it is impossible to nurture the relationship without being traumatized.

 

I hope that you DO seek out therapy and solve some of this.

 

At least read a book. Taming Your Outer Child was pretty decent in curbing ineffective behaviour and starting the process of self-acceptance.

 

I think that you haven't accepted yourself which is why you so badly need to have him accept and love you, even if he's more screwed up intimately than, well, lots of folks. And why you need the people of LS to accept that you were accepted.

 

it's a tough go.

[metal_chick]

My phone has an auto-reject list. Add a number and they can't text you, and when they call, they get an endless busy signal.

 

No idea what it's like for other phones, but I tested mine with my landline and it worked a treat. I blocked someone the other day. This guy came to look at the room I was renting in my apartment, told me he had a gf, and the next day, tried to hit on me. After busting his chops, I blocked him. Easy.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am taking it like I have said goodbye to him forever as that is the mind frame I need to adopt, I realised.

 

I cannot anticipate scenarios like "one day I know we will be friends" or " when his father passes away I want to be there to support him"

 

I am grasping at the easiest way out for ME to take, which is pretty much acting like he does not exist. To use my therapy to help deal with my thoughts in a healthy manner. To not let my thoughts of him be anymore than thoughts, which I accept and then let go of.

 

I am taking it very hard, but I know going without him in a very severe way is so much better than remaining stuck on a guy who will move on and end up with someone else, right under my nose unless I literally disappear from his life.

 

How to Break Your Addiction to a Person is a pretty good book too.

[metal_chick]

You're in love with the idea of love, Leigh. You're consumed with finding perfect, fantastic, madly, deeply, can't-live-without-one-another love. You look for this so that this person may fulfill a validation that you are unable to fulfill yourself.

 

You really need to tell your therapist that so that they can treat you effectively.

[aisuru]

I did sort of replace the anorexia with him.

 

 

Leigh, I must say I'm impressed you can recognize this. I've been hesitant to voice this for awhile now.

 

Be open with your therapist. Share everything. It will only benefit you.

[smorgenHeckengard]

I heard this book is pretty good too.

 

Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar: Cheryl Strayed: 9780307949332: Amazon.com: Books

 

 

Take up a new hobby. Maybe read, or go to the gym. Crochet. Watch a t.v show you always wanted to try. Learn to cook?

When I feel really anxious I try to write happy song lyrics in a notebook with my left hand. I'm trying so hard to concentrate on writting legible words that I'm not thinking of anything else. Of course my ways are not infallible as I caved myself tonight. We just have to learn to break the habit. Good luck!

 

 

Leigh, I must say I'm impressed you can recognize this. I've been hesitant to voice this for awhile now.

 

Be open with your therapist. Share everything. It will only benefit you.

Good Leigh. It sounds like you might have a breakthru that will start you on the road to healing.

[Leigh 87]

I think I am awesome though?

 

I really don't feel... not good enough just because one man did not love me enough to overcome every possible issue.

I don't need his love to feel worthy or good within myself

What I miss his being with him in every way. In a relationship where we share everything.

I just really loved being around him.

I do not feel less worthy cos one dude did not decide to marry me, so to speak!

 

I do realise that relationships often don't work out and it happens to the most amazing people. People cannot just fall in love and remain that way simply because a person is amazing and they have some romantic feelings towards them!

 

I believe true love takes a LOT between two people; you have to like them as people enough to want to be around them a lot, you have to feel comfortable around them to just be yourself, you have to not have personal issues that render you too ill to be in a relationship....

And only THEN, once the ingredients are there, you just MIGHT have the capacity to fall IN love with a person.

 

I know very well about couples who think the world of each other, yet are not IN love because, in spite of their deep affection and admiration of one another and the fact they LOVE being around each other - they are simply not capable of falling in love.

 

It is not us that are not worthy, we just found the wrong person.

 

The pattern with me, was: I derived most me my happiness FROM him, even though I always HAVE liked myself as a women.

Without his love and without my life with him and my dogs, I am reaching a more complete level of contentment that does not lean on one person as your primary source.

I feel sad initially, very sad. It's a terrible feeling. Yet I am actually moving into a more complete state of happiness than I was when I had his love, but lacked the drive to work on ALL aspects of my life

 

That is why I am not all that fcked up right now; I can see the best is yet to come. I am a positive women as it is, so I can only imagine how much better life with be when I make some real progress towards my mental health.

 

 

 

..............................

In regards to the casual sex - of course I am not ready yet. I should probably refrain from it after all.

 

But what if I am looking extra sexy on the tour overseas and there is a really hot guy that wants to have some fun with me? :lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

I guess if it feels right I will do it.

 

it will be over 2 months post break up by the time I am overseas, I don't think that is callous to be ready for casual fun?

I will run a mile if we catch feelings since I will end up feeling sick with confusion (liking a new guy while still having retaining feelings for my ex)

[Leigh 87]

Metal Chick - I called my phone provider to ask them how to block.

 

It is really easy, but it only helps me in doing what I need to be strong enough to do anyways...

It stops him from contacting me, and me having a knee jerk reaction. I know I would answer his calls.

He has a certain power over me. I WAS in love with him. I want to be with him when we communicate in any way. I can't resist him if he calls for now.

 

................

 

The block has stopped HIS texts and calls - they will not reach me.

 

However, I can unblock him anytime.

And I can call his number, I am fairly certain.

I remember his number off by heart.

And the computer is only just in front of me so I can always unblock his facebook if I am an idiot and see what he is up to, since he has a public profile.

 

.................

 

There ARE temptations all around me! Yet I have at least taken every step I can to eliminate as many as possible!

 

I am even moving towns to start a totally new life.

 

I feel confident about the extent of the block, cos unless he actually CALLS, I feel like I can ignore him and not unblock him or text him myself.

 

It is him calling me that I do not think I could resist at first.

[aisuru]

If you don't have a journal already, you need to get one.

 

Then, when you want to contact your knucklehead ex-boyfriend, you write in the journal.

 

Voila.

[metal_chick]

I think I am awesome though?

 

I really don't feel... not good enough just because one man did not love me enough to overcome every possible issue.

I don't need his love to feel worthy or good within myself

What I miss his being with him in every way. In a relationship where we share everything.

I just really loved being around him.

I do not feel less worthy cos one dude did not decide to marry me, so to speak!

 

I'm afraid that what you post, Leigh, does not reflect this. An awful lot of your self-worth as a person is tied up in finding true love. Any true love. You talk about it incessently - that life with Andrew will be better once you've found true love.

 

I'd also like to reiterate that there is no point telling Andrew off for not maintaining NC, when you encourage him by texting him. To make sure a person respects our wishes for NC, we must not tell them, we must SHOW them. It's just shirking responsibilty.

 

Look (and I hate admitting this, I do) - if xMM emailed me right now, I'd be screwed. I'd probably cave and reply. I hate myself for that, I do, but it's a reality.

 

But whilstever I respect my own NC request to him, he will follow my lead. Therefore, the only person to blame for our NC agreement crumbling, will be me. ONLY me. I have no intention of emailing him. Therefore, I'm safe.

[metal_chick]

Maintaining NC is a responsibility we undertake on our own. Perhaps you haven't quite hit rock bottom yet.

 

Don't worry. You'll know when you get there...

[smorgenHeckengard]

Is there any way that you could ask Andrew to block you/change his number?

[Leigh 87]

Maintaining NC is a responsibility we undertake on our own. Perhaps you haven't quite hit rock bottom yet.

 

Don't worry. You'll know when you get there...

 

 

 

I'm there.

 

I have lost me fcking dogs and _______ who I was with every single day.

 

That is why I am probably feeling more positive than most - I know that I CAN make this the worst it gets.

 

I like knowing that it CAN get better.