Same <stuff>, different day

[Leigh 87]

What the hell are you all on about?

 

I don't hate myself!!!!

 

I think I have a Great future ahead.

 

I have nothing to be sad about other than grieving the recent loss.

 

And I am doing anything damaging. I know my relationship is over.

 

I'm pretending _____ does not exist. I have felt the worst of it and I am choosing to not get worse; with therapy and not contacting them ever again( which will devastate me since he'll get a gf or will be single and still sure be doesn't want to be with me)

 

So I'm doing the right things after a terrible situation.

[dreamingoftigers]

What the hell are you all on about?

 

I don't hate myself!!!!

 

I think I have a Great future ahead.

 

I have nothing to be sad about other than grieving the recent loss.

 

And I am doing anything damaging. I know my relationship is over.

 

I'm pretending _____ does not exist. I have felt the worst of it and I am choosing to not get worse; with therapy and not contacting them ever again( which will devastate me since he'll get a gf or will be single and still sure be doesn't want to be with me)

 

So I'm doing the right things after a terrible situation.

 

I think that they were saying the relationship and the fallout has been damaging to you. I agree.

 

You'll see it more when you reread all of your posting history of until now.

 

I'm sure you took some good things away from the relationship and matured over time. But he's done a number. And you've done a number on yourself too.

[Leigh 87]

I think that they were saying the relationship and the fallout has been damaging to you. I agree.

 

You'll see it more when you reread all of your posting history of until now.

 

I'm sure you took some good things away from the relationship and matured over time. But he's done a number. And you've done a number on yourself too.

 

 

How has the relationship been damaging to me?

 

- no matter what I do, no matter how much I change for the better, no matter how much better I look; my ex just does not have it within him to fall IN love with me enough to want a future with me

 

It hurts, it really does hurt to know that even at my best, a person I am in love with, will never love me ENOUGH.

 

......................

 

What I have a problem with?

 

- Alex PD is a troll in my opinion.

 

- He directly states that I hate myself, that I think I am worthless, that I do not like who I am as a person.

 

- He has also said, in my other threads, that he cannot see a single good thing about me

 

- He has said my nose is huge and implied that I am unattractive

 

...................

 

 

Now, as much as my failed relationship has upset me, I find it extremely annoying when people waste space in my threads by telling me that I surely must hate myself, and that I must hate my life and think that I have nothing to look forward to.

 

....................

 

I am about to report that poster, as I done with other trolls, so that they cannot ever bother me again. It just wastes my time having to deal with them.

 

Blocking them is not enough, he still came up in my thread albeit his reply was not shown, I could see HIM.

 

It is better to tell the mods, they actually banish certain posters from being able to even be able to SEE your threads.

[Leigh 87]

This is something Ill never get...

 

YOU are an attractive young woman...Many guys(Yes, even ones that would absolutely put your ex to shame) would love to be with you.

 

But you will never get to the point of being with them, if you dont get out of this obsession. One person cannot control you...Just like you cant control them.

 

Work on yourself...Clean your room up! You will feel better..I promise.

 

TFY

 

 

 

 

Yes I Know that I am an attractive women to some (yet not all) men.

 

That is why I am not feeling hopeless about my future. I know some men will love the way I am, and have the capacity to fall in love with me in a way that my ex couldn't.

 

I know that I can stand out and I will find a man who respects me and treats me in the was that I deserve.

 

I realise that while I KNOW that I am worthy of respect and love, my mental health issues will only hold me back unless I learn how to manage them effectively.

 

And my room is clean.

[metal_chick]

Leigh, it could be that the person did not express themselves correctly.

 

This relationship has caused an immense amount of damage. It has caused obsessive thinking, and destructive emotional behaviour. The constant reassurances you give to yourself about your high self-esteem, are not reflected in your actions - dramatic overreacting to him 'maybe' moving on with someone else by overly calling and texting, specific fantasies about appropriate ways to break NC (like death or injury, or a grand declaration of love) - do you see what we're trying to say? You have invested an awful lot of yourself in this guy, to the detriment of your own well-being. He has done an immense amount of emotional damage. This is all stuff that must be spoken about in therapy and absolutely must motivate you to not break NC EVER, to ensure that further damage does not take place.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think that there are a lot of incongruent emotions welling up inside you that are causing you to articulate a whole series of incongruent statements.

 

And plans that seem to bounce around as well of actions and directions that seem to bounce around as well.

 

In all of it, this devastating struggle that you are going through, it seems that the one thing you are in need of the most is external validation.

 

But it seems that you've been struggling with that throughout this whole relationship. And it also seems that you seek out the validation via sexual means AND that you also seek it from sources that are the least likely to be validating and ignore sources that ARE validating.

 

Quite a conundrum. And you're right in the middle of it.

 

How was it damaging? You sat on the sidelines of your own relationship while your boyfriend didn't treat you like you were "enough" for him. And then after all of that support, commitment and emotional turmoil: he still rejected you. After years together. After getting dogs together.

 

If that's not damaging and requiring some personal examination instead of trying to block it out and seek that validation with an FWB or here on LS in thread after thread after thread: I have no idea what is.

 

Don't think I'm looking at you in "pity" or "judgment." I've sat right where you are, some elements in my previous relationship and some in this marriage. I get it. It IS damaging. It doesn't mean that you as a whole person are "damaged goods." It means that you need to treat yourself very very nicely and acknowledge the pain and mistreatment you went through.

 

Take full stock of it: look at it from the outside. Evaluate how disrespectful it was. How you now feel discarded and like he "didn't love you enough" despite what you were willing to go through to be with him. Admit to yourself that you didn't deserve that. Admit to yourself that you weren't being nice to yourself by staying by him when you were treated like that. You were trying to be nice to Andrew.

 

Doing this: ________ doesn't make that all go away. You can try to block it and run from it onto the next best thing. But it happened. And until you see that it was damaging and you weren't strong enough in yourself to see it at the time and truly, deeply stand up to his disrespect, this whole thing is going to be harder.

 

He doesn't have to be the "devil incarnate" or "not have loved you" or whatever. But he was disrespectful to you. And you weren't respectful to yourself. That makes it hard to trust him (which you shouldn't) and hard to trust yourself. At this point, I am sure because he didn't "love you enough" in your mind, that you are wondering what all of that sacrifice to be with him was really worth. It probably feels like "it was all worth nothing."

 

Well, yes and no, now that you see what you can go through, you CAN channel that towards getting well. You can survive the initial damaging blows, then surely you can survive the work to repair the wounds and make a better life for yourself and your future partner. Someone who won't treat you like "less than."

 

In a large sense it doesn't matter how much Andrew loved or didn't love you. He could've felt like you were his whole world. He had too many BS traits to make it work at this point. A guy hooked on hookers does not recover overnight and certainly does not recover in the context of a relationship.

 

My husband largely used our relationship to escape from sexual and alcohol addiction. We had sex A LOT when we were first together. But sexual addiction doesn't jive with a relationship. As soon as you become a "known quantity" to a sexual addict, they can't handle the anxiety that emotions and intimacy brings them. He could've loved you more than any man has ever loved any woman. And guess what? If he has that attachment disorder that I would wager my life savings on, that same love would cause him to crumple with anxiety about the emotions it illicited in him and it would cause the relationship to collapse.

 

He wasn't sick of being in love with you Leigh. I doubt that highly. He couldn't handle the chemical and emotional backlash of it and had to withdraw. And we all know what happens when a guy with a girlfriend who needs validation withdraws....

 

She tries harder and goes further to get that validation. To save the relationship or her boyfriend. She "understands him" more. She takes loads more crap so that he will see how "special she is. She must really love me."

 

Then in response he has more shame and guilt because he knows he's supposed to be better to his gf. So he withdraws more. Until it just gets ridiculous. He starts telling her to back off, get her sh*t under control. blah blah blah.

 

It's classic. And damaging.

[metal_chick]

I think that there are a lot of incongruent emotions welling up inside you that are causing you to articulate a whole series of incongruent statements.

 

And plans that seem to bounce around as well of actions and directions that seem to bounce around as well.

 

In all of it, this devastating struggle that you are going through, it seems that the one thing you are in need of the most is external validation.

 

But it seems that you've been struggling with that throughout this whole relationship. And it also seems that you seek out the validation via sexual means AND that you also seek it from sources that are the least likely to be validating and ignore sources that ARE validating.

 

Quite a conundrum. And you're right in the middle of it.

 

How was it damaging? You sat on the sidelines of your own relationship while your boyfriend didn't treat you like you were "enough" for him. And then after all of that support, commitment and emotional turmoil: he still rejected you. After years together. After getting dogs together.

 

If that's not damaging and requiring some personal examination instead of trying to block it out and seek that validation with an FWB or here on LS in thread after thread after thread: I have no idea what is.

 

Don't think I'm looking at you in "pity" or "judgment." I've sat right where you are, some elements in my previous relationship and some in this marriage. I get it. It IS damaging. It doesn't mean that you as a whole person are "damaged goods." It means that you need to treat yourself very very nicely and acknowledge the pain and mistreatment you went through.

 

Take full stock of it: look at it from the outside. Evaluate how disrespectful it was. How you now feel discarded and like he "didn't love you enough" despite what you were willing to go through to be with him. Admit to yourself that you didn't deserve that. Admit to yourself that you weren't being nice to yourself by staying by him when you were treated like that. You were trying to be nice to Andrew.

 

Doing this: ________ doesn't make that all go away. You can try to block it and run from it onto the next best thing. But it happened. And until you see that it was damaging and you weren't strong enough in yourself to see it at the time and truly, deeply stand up to his disrespect, this whole thing is going to be harder.

 

He doesn't have to be the "devil incarnate" or "not have loved you" or whatever. But he was disrespectful to you. And you weren't respectful to yourself. That makes it hard to trust him (which you shouldn't) and hard to trust yourself. At this point, I am sure because he didn't "love you enough" in your mind, that you are wondering what all of that sacrifice to be with him was really worth. It probably feels like "it was all worth nothing."

 

Well, yes and no, now that you see what you can go through, you CAN channel that towards getting well. You can survive the initial damaging blows, then surely you can survive the work to repair the wounds and make a better life for yourself and your future partner. Someone who won't treat you like "less than."

 

In a large sense it doesn't matter how much Andrew loved or didn't love you. He could've felt like you were his whole world. He had too many BS traits to make it work at this point. A guy hooked on hookers does not recover overnight and certainly does not recover in the context of a relationship.

 

My husband largely used our relationship to escape from sexual and alcohol addiction. We had sex A LOT when we were first together. But sexual addiction doesn't jive with a relationship. As soon as you become a "known quantity" to a sexual addict, they can't handle the anxiety that emotions and intimacy brings them. He could've loved you more than any man has ever loved any woman. And guess what? If he has that attachment disorder that I would wager my life savings on, that same love would cause him to crumple with anxiety about the emotions it illicited in him and it would cause the relationship to collapse.

 

He wasn't sick of being in love with you Leigh. I doubt that highly. He couldn't handle the chemical and emotional backlash of it and had to withdraw. And we all know what happens when a guy with a girlfriend who needs validation withdraws....

 

She tries harder and goes further to get that validation. To save the relationship or her boyfriend. She "understands him" more. She takes loads more crap so that he will see how "special she is. She must really love me."

 

Then in response he has more shame and guilt because he knows he's supposed to be better to his gf. So he withdraws more. Until it just gets ridiculous. He starts telling her to back off, get her sh*t under control. blah blah blah.

 

It's classic. And damaging.

 

Leigh, mate, you need to read this over and over...

[Mme. Chaucer]

How has the relationship been damaging to me?

 

Because you say and believe craps like THIS!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

- no matter what I do, no matter how much I change for the better, no matter how much better I look; my ex just does not have it within him to fall IN love with me enough to want a future with me

 

It hurts, it really does hurt to know that even at my best, a person I am in love with, will never love me ENOUGH.

 

You CANNOT change yourself "enough" so that someone will fall in love with you! CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT. People do NOT really change for other people and that includes you and Andrew. A person only changes if they realize in their core that the way they are is not working for them.

 

Even if this guy did fall IN love with you (I don't even believe you wrote that he wasn't, after the 2480580 times you've posted about how madly crazy deeply in love with you he was, but that's beside the point) you COULD NOT have had a long lasting relationship with him

 

Because he screwed hookers and spent his time being nasty with girls online! And because you abandoned YOURSELF in order to try to be "okay" with this kind of thing when really you were not.

 

That is not relationship material, Leigh. Not for you, not for anyone else. He probably knows he's not relationship material.

 

It hurts, it really does hurt to know that even at my best, a person I am in love with, will never love me ENOUGH.

 

It's not about "love," being "in love," or loving "enough." I hope you will make an effort to banish the idea of "being in love ENOUGH" from your thoughts and your computer. But, I know too well how much it hurts to love someone but the relationship is over and I empathize with you a lot on that.

 

It is better to tell the mods, they actually banish certain posters from being able to even be able to SEE your threads.

 

With regards to the above - no, anybody can see your threads, even if they're banned from the site. Besides, no matter how much you dislike what that poster has to say, he is not trolling or attacking you. He's stating his opinion and perspective on what you put out here. That's what we do here.

[Leigh 87]

I know I was his whole world. That is what I find so hard about this...... He left when the relationship failed though.

 

And boy did it fail.

 

I am left unsure as to whether he WOULD have put up with a relationship like this from ANY women. No matter how much he loved a women, I am not sure that any women would be "enough" for him to have continued with, under identical circumstances.

 

That is why I was not sure about No Contact initially.

 

He honestly, from the bottom of his heart, acted like it was 100% the relationship that failed.

He genuinely believed, within himself, that he loved me ENOUGH to marry me and spend his life with me.

What he did not ever want to accept, was a relationship that was toxic. He avoided relationships like the plague because he wanted a healthy, happy relationship with no drama. And I was all about drama. Even though I just wanted to be happy with him.

 

I know that have to treat this like it does NOT MATTER WHY he left.

I realise it is UNHEALTHY to even think about the reasons WHY; if he loved me enough, or didn't.

The fact is, it IS over for ever. He is never coming back.

 

............................................

[Mme. Chaucer]

Do you even know what you are saying?

 

A few posts up, it's:

 

my ex just does not have it within him to fall IN love with me enough to want a future with me

Now, it's:

 

He genuinely believed, within himself, that he loved me ENOUGH to marry me and spend his life with me.

 

Which is it, for crying out loud?

 

And for the love of all that's holy, STOP with the "loved me ENOUGH" garbage. Love is not quantifiable, and even if it was, there is no "amount" of love that will make unstable damaged people capable of having good relationships. With ANYONE.

[dreamingoftigers]

I know I was his whole world. That is what I find so hard about this...... He left when the relationship failed though.

 

And boy did it fail.

 

I am left unsure as to whether he WOULD have put up with a relationship like this from ANY women. No matter how much he loved a women, I am not sure that any women would be "enough" for him to have continued with, under identical circumstances.

 

That is why I was not sure about No Contact initially.

 

He honestly, from the bottom of his heart, acted like it was 100% the relationship that failed.

He genuinely believed, within himself, that he loved me ENOUGH to marry me and spend his life with me.

What he did not ever want to accept, was a relationship that was toxic. He avoided relationships like the plague because he wanted a healthy, happy relationship with no drama. And I was all about drama. Even though I just wanted to be happy with him.

I know that have to treat this like it does NOT MATTER WHY he left.

I realise it is UNHEALTHY to even think about the reasons WHY; if he loved me enough, or didn't.

The fact is, it IS over for ever. He is never coming back.

 

............................................

 

Leigh,

 

People say this stuff all of the time.

 

I have yet to see anyone on LS actually come and post saying: "You know, I want the most fu*ked-up stressful relationship I can have ever. I want to just have everything as messed up and unstable as it can be."

 

HOWEVER. It wasn't just you at all! He wasn't putting the work in to detoxify the relationship. He acted as though the "relationship" was doing this to him, as though "the relationship" was just some mysterious alchemy in the room that reacted whenever you two came into contact.

 

A relationship is a series of choices between two individuals. There is no sane way a man could treat a woman the way he treated you and expect a "healthy, drama-free relationship."

 

My Mother-in-Law at Christmas did a massive freak out in a Chinese restaurant. You can probably find it in a thread somewhere.

 

It was so embarrassing and uncalled for and unnecessary. I tipped the waiter and extra $20 for her garbage.

 

Then she keeps the meltdown going back at her's. Just unreal. I have never seen her that unregulated. So, anyhow, one of the things she says as I am leaving is "Yeah You GO! I can't take this (this meaning not every single person in her life bowing to her every single wish. Ridiculous demands. Ridiculous. SO shaming to her children, but I digress) I just want peace!"

 

Thank I felt so emotionally burned. Even for weeks after this whole incident. Which is unusual with me. BUT she pressed all of the triggers that my husband did. The raging, guilting, demanding, character-assassination, shaming. Jeez, you name it! (It also made me see the live demonstration of where he learned it). But it was condensed into such a short period that I can actually see how my husband basically grew up being emotionally scalded.

 

Luckily I called my mother not long after because it was Christmas after all. We have been lukewarm as of late after years of somewhat frosty relations. But she really was in my corner this time. I told her what transpired from beginning to end. And she totally just was there in the right capacity. She said this, and it really underlined everything for me: "dreamingoftigers, she doesn't want peace. She doesn't even want to have a peaceful dining experience."

 

And it just made so much sense. You can't go around acting like an emotional tornado wrecking relationships as you go and then turn it around on everyone saying, "see, this relationship is a mess."

 

When I have talked to MIL since I just remember to not take her crap personally because "she doesn't even want a peaceful dining experience."(which has only been twice I was so turned off, the whole family is nuts. I told her sister I was pregnant and she launched into the craziest bit I ever heard about how selfish I was to have a child because someone was going to drop a nuke and the kid would suffer. Nuts I tell you)

 

Andrew can't seriously expect a non-toxic relationship if he's online using your picture on a lesbian website. It doesn't work like that. You don't throw toxic waste in the Ocean and bitch about all of the dead fish, get real!

[dreamingoftigers]

 

And for the love of all that's holy, STOP with the "loved me ENOUGH" garbage. Love is not quantifiable, and even if it was, there is no "amount" of love that will make unstable damaged people capable of having good relationships. With ANYONE.

 

Regardless of any posting contradictions, I am not going to smack around about them. You are going to be thinking, feeling and theorizing about the whole thing until you are comfortable to let it go.

 

BUT the bolded is what I was trying to say but couldn't seem to cut it down to. I am NOT, unfortunately a concise person.

 

A relationship is a set of skills, and a series of choices. Some are healthy, others are not. No one is 100% healthy. BUT there is a certain threshold for health in a relationship. I would think it falls where both participants are benefitting more than they are being damaged or simply not having their needs met (shouldn't be getting damaged, will have to define that later at some point).

 

A person can FEEL strong emotions for someone else, but if they lack the skills to properly maintain themselves and present respect for the relationship, it will collapse.

 

As I said before, he could've loved you beyond the moon. But he didn't treat you like you should be treated in a relationship (and really, vice-versa, but I think screwing around is one of those things that really the other person doesn't get to bitch about disrespect in relation to the suffering they've caused, within reason.)

 

Without respect, the foundation of love will crumble. Feeling love for someone and damaging them at the same time does not a healthy relationship make.

[Leigh 87]

It is a hard concept to understand....

 

The feelings can be there, yet two people cannot be together.

 

It was hard for me to feel so loved, and yet for the person who loves me to be so flawed.

 

You question things. You know it is not as simple as them finding the right person and then realising how little they really did care about you.

 

It felt real, the love was not some sham, yet... something was off in the both of us.

 

There this person was, saying they loved me to the moon and back, telling me that the relationship was not going to work, even though he loved me "enough" to WANT it to work.

 

It is all confusing.

 

...................................

 

I do not even think this particular guy lacked the ability to love on a deep level. I just think they were too selfish and immature to realise how to be in a mature relationship.

 

...................................

 

I don't really feel like discussing the what ifs; what if we WERE two mentally healthy individuals?

 

....................................

 

The only thing we should all discuss now, after I vented for that one last time above, is that we ARE NEVER going to know what "would have" happened if only we were both ready for a relationship.

 

...................................

 

One thing for certain is: I always knew I was not in a place for a relationship. Next time around when a relationship comes up again, in the future, I will hopefully be able to learn the mistakes of my past and refrain from the relationship until I am 100% well.

[dreamingoftigers]

It is a hard concept to understand....

 

The feelings can be there, yet two people cannot be together.

 

It was hard for me to feel so loved, and yet for the person who loves me to be so flawed.

 

You question things. You know it is not as simple as them finding the right person and then realising how little they really did care about you.

 

It felt real, the love was not some sham, yet... something was off in the both of us.

 

There this person was, saying they loved me to the moon and back, telling me that the relationship was not going to work, even though he loved me "enough" to WANT it to work.

 

It is all confusing.

 

...................................

 

I do not even think this particular guy lacked the ability to love on a deep level. I just think they were too selfish and immature to realise how to be in a mature relationship.

 

...................................

 

I don't really feel like discussing the what ifs; what if we WERE two mentally healthy individuals?

 

....................................

 

The only thing we should all discuss now, after I vented for that one last time above, is that we ARE NEVER going to know what "would have" happened if only we were both ready for a relationship.

 

...................................

 

One thing for certain is: I always knew I was not in a place for a relationship. Next time around when a relationship comes up again, in the future, I will hopefully be able to learn the mistakes of my past and refrain from the relationship until I am 100% well.

 

Congratulations Leigh.

 

Print out this post and save it. I AM NOT kidding.

Fold in up and carry it in your purse.

Write yourself a "rainy day letter" too.

As well, notice the tone in the above post, it's much quieter, accepting-like, even peaceful and forward-looking but not in an anxiety or needing kind of way.

 

No defensiveness, just recognition of where you are and where you were at when this started and continued.

 

It IS confusing. And it is totally normal to BE confused and have a lot of inner conflict over this. The answers aren't going to jump out as quickly to you as they are to others looking outside-in. We can see the black-and-white of the actions you are describing. But you get clouded by how they make you feel. Everyone does. Same pattern universally all over LS, except for maybe BryanP who left his cheating wife.

 

Relationships are very emotionally involved and that confuses us, we fire on so many different systems from our infancy, childhood, relational history, coping skills, other life skills and day to day with our partner. So much goes into them that sometimes it's hard to see how entangled we are. It's OKAY.

 

Just start looking at the actions instead of trying to guess at the intentions. It's tough. That's why people who emotionally manipulate (intentional or not) tend to find targets rather easily. People who dive in heart-first are abundant.

[Leigh 87]

I am just done with welcoming unhealthy thoughts and habits.

 

All I have to think about is:

 

- whatever my relationship was and whatever either of us felt is none of my concern

 

- the fact I think he will contact me when I am back from my overseas trip or again one day, I have to push from my mind and live my life as though we will never see or talk to each other again.

 

- after I practice No Contact for long enough, I will not care if I never hear from him again.

 

- the fact I still entertain the idea that he might contact me again is self defeating and unhealthy

 

.......................................

 

It will be hellish along the way even if I take the right path or No Contact: I will wonder for a while about whether or not he will reach out to me again.

 

I have to remind myself that if I STICK to No Contact, I WILL stop even WONDERING if I will ever hear from him again

 

For the record, I am not thinking about it more than I even take this time to write it out...

 

I do occasionally have the thought of: what if he contacts me again?

 

You can't control your thoughts, but I can learn how to process them, which is what he therapy I am about to practice daily, is all about.

 

The therapy is acceptance therapy/ a form or CBT. It is realising your thoughts and accepting that they are only thoughts.

 

Your supposed to welcome the thoughts but know they are only thoughts, and develop ways to see the thoughts as just that: things that come into your mind.

 

I do not want to give power to my thoughts or allow them to manifest in a destructive way.

[dreamingoftigers]

One thing I found helpful when I booted my husband out was that I noticed across the day that mentally I would log things to tell him later.

 

BUT since he wasn't here and I wasn't expecting his return, I would almost mentally "dialogue" with him. Which was even worse in a sense.

 

So I just replaced who I was mentally dialoguing (sp?) with.

 

I assume that you aren't religious, but I picked God. It worked well. I mean he loves me, is interested in me and wasn't judgmental or rejecting of me. I just mentally shared what was going on during my day to him. It felt a lot more peaceful. It also didn't feel demanding on me etc.

 

You can pick whomever you like.

[thefooloftheyear]

I know I was his whole world. That is what I find so hard about this...... He left when the relationship failed though.

 

And boy did it fail.

 

I am left unsure as to whether he WOULD have put up with a relationship like this from ANY women. No matter how much he loved a women, I am not sure that any women would be "enough" for him to have continued with, under identical circumstances.

 

That is why I was not sure about No Contact initially.

 

He honestly, from the bottom of his heart, acted like it was 100% the relationship that failed.

He genuinely believed, within himself, that he loved me ENOUGH to marry me and spend his life with me.

What he did not ever want to accept, was a relationship that was toxic. He avoided relationships like the plague because he wanted a healthy, happy relationship with no drama. And I was all about drama. Even though I just wanted to be happy with him.

 

I know that have to treat this like it does NOT MATTER WHY he left.

I realise it is UNHEALTHY to even think about the reasons WHY; if he loved me enough, or didn't.

The fact is, it IS over for ever. He is never coming back.

 

............................................

 

I cant go through the entire thread so I am sure someone must have brought it up...

 

From what I recall, you are young..I dated a ton of women(actually girls) when I was in HS and college..I dumped and got dumped for ridiculous reasons..I am sure this is the same case. Looking back on it now, some of those women were unbelievable...

 

Quick story...

 

When I was a senior in HS I went out with the nerdy class Valedictorian. I was a jock and frankly she was absolutely perfect and treated me like gold. Helped me get through Physics and Calculus. I dumped her because i thought she had a funny looking nose...Yep, I kid you not...

 

Fast forward twenty years I see her at the class reunion and we share a hug...She looks awesome and is a big time Banking Exec. All I could think of is what if....

 

Kids do stupid things in relationships..And I think chronologically "kids" are older than we were at the time..

 

Point is you will be absolutely fine...Its not about you....

 

TFY

[Leigh 87]

It's really hard to process the loss at times.

 

I invested everything.

 

I would go about my days with the thought of coming home to them.

I would wake up in the morning with a deep and fulfilling feeling of waking up next to a person I loved

I would look so forward to going to bed because we both hugged in a special way every night.

I made their sandwiches every day

I left stupid notes in their lunch box

I loved coming home from Uni or a day out, to be able to sit down on the longue and watch documentaries with our dogs.

The regular sexual intimacy is VERY hard to let go of

I thought about them often throughout my day

 

I never thought about having to be without them.

 

.......................................

 

It is just an incredibly HUGE thing I have lost. Oh well I have let it out now. I have not interest in dwelling on it further.

 

My whole life has changed. The main thing in it is gone. I have moved house. I am moving towns.

 

I have lost the dogs. I WORRY about them. I KNOW they would miss me.

 

It is just awful, really.

[Leigh 87]

I cant go through the entire thread so I am sure someone must have brought it up...

 

From what I recall, you are young..I dated a ton of women(actually girls) when I was in HS and college..I dumped and got dumped for ridiculous reasons..I am sure this is the same case. Looking back on it now, some of those women were unbelievable...

 

Quick story...

 

When I was a senior in HS I went out with the nerdy class Valedictorian. I was a jock and frankly she was absolutely perfect and treated me like gold. Helped me get through Physics and Calculus. I dumped her because i thought she had a funny looking nose...Yep, I kid you not...

 

Fast forward twenty years I see her at the class reunion and we share a hug...She looks awesome and is a big time Banking Exec. All I could think of is what if....

 

Kids do stupid things in relationships..And I think chronologically "kids" are older than we were at the time..

 

Point is you will be absolutely fine...Its not about you....

 

TFY

 

 

Thanks. I will be just fine, you're right.

 

We were just turned 24 when we me, so I don't consider us to be just kids that made "Mistakes"

 

I just think we have inner issues that we need to resolve before we are ready to be in relationships.

At least for me - I know that it would be unfair of me to knowingly start a new relationship when I know I would ruin it due to my own issues.

I do have some unhealthy tendencies though insofar as the way I think and deal with situations.

 

I am sure therapy and working on myself will put me in a far better position to handle my next relationship.

 

......................

 

Hmm that would be interesting to have a reunion with a girl you previously dated!

[metal_chick]

It's really hard to process the loss at times.

 

I invested everything.

 

I would go about my days with the thought of coming home to them.

I would wake up in the morning with a deep and fulfilling feeling of waking up next to a person I loved

I would look so forward to going to bed because we both hugged in a special way every night.

I made their sandwiches every day

I left stupid notes in their lunch box

I loved coming home from Uni or a day out, to be able to sit down on the longue and watch documentaries with our dogs.

The regular sexual intimacy is VERY hard to let go of

I thought about them often throughout my day

 

I never thought about having to be without them.

 

.......................................

 

It is just an incredibly HUGE thing I have lost. Oh well I have let it out now. I have not interest in dwelling on it further.

 

My whole life has changed. The main thing in it is gone. I have moved house. I am moving towns.

 

I have lost the dogs. I WORRY about them. I KNOW they would miss me.

 

It is just awful, really.

 

Work on maintaning an identity and sense of self-worth without a boyfriend. You say you have that, but your posts indicate that once you're in a relationship, you live for them, not for you. And Andrew did not reciprocate this.

 

Next time, live for you. Be sensitive to their needs, but be sure to also consider yours.

[Leigh 87]

Work on maintaning an identity and sense of self-worth without a boyfriend. You say you have that, but your posts indicate that once you're in a relationship, you live for them, not for you. And Andrew did not reciprocate this.

 

Next time, live for you. Be sensitive to their needs, but be sure to also consider yours.

 

 

____ had the same unhealthy tendency as me. They were selfish with their needs regarding sex and the disgusting habits they adopted.

 

You have to understand that this was mutual. You need to see where I am coming from if you are to give me advice based on the facts.

 

It was intense and they also lived largely for me, the only difference is that I was more loyal.

 

This is why it was so messed up: they went overseas yet wrote to me on facebook about how miserable they were and how hard it was to have such a large part of him missing (from his days)

They found it incredibly hard to be without me, as I was the main thing they considered during their daily life.

 

...............THEN they went and banged hookers while they were there!:lmao:

 

(while saying that he wanted to take things to the next level and marry me shortly, that he wanted to give it all up to be with me but wanted to bang some whores one last time cos he knew' it would be for good)

 

SEE what I had to deal with@!?!?!?!?!

 

I had to deal with the confusion of, on one hand, them SAYING and ACTING daily like I was everything them, while also living with the fact that he will always put himself first even if it is only in one regard; his need for sex from different women.

 

It was not a good place to be in; to be really loved yet with an idiot who has no idea how to handle love.

Love is when you put your needs 100% SECOND to the one you love.

 

However strongly they felt, their actions did not solidify and grow any love or relationship to a healthy and stable place that had staying power.

 

....................................

[Leigh 87]

sigh.

 

At the time, I was telling my good friend about how I could be engaged soon, that ___ really seamed to have changed, that he treated me like I was the centre of his universe.

 

Then I told her how he actually banged hookers while over there. She was really disappointed in him. From the way he was treating me in EVERY DAY life, she really thought he had changed for the better.

 

We were both wrong.

 

I justified his actions by saying " but this is what he would be able to do to ANY GIRL no matter HOW much he loved them, and he is not doing it cos he is not in love with me"

 

She knew me the entire relationship and was glad he left in the end. She said I deserved better.

 

..................................................

 

Anyway, I can see that it was easy at a time to justify a persons bad behaviour if I feel that are not doing it because they lack love for me.

 

One thing I have learnt is to not let people get away with things just because they would do it to others and you do not feel the need to take it "personally"

[metal_chick]

Love is when you put your needs 100% SECOND to the one you love.

 

Nope. You're confusing romantic love with familial (specifically parental) love.

 

When you are a parent, yes, you absolutely put your needs, wants and desires second for the benefits of the child. You do that because the child lacks the developed brain to make their own decisions and look after themselves.

 

When you love someone in a romantic sense, you consider their needs and their desires in conjunction with your own. A combination of compromising, and both of you getting your own way, depending on the decisions being made. You do not sacrifice everything 100% for the person you love.

 

That is a recipe for relationship disaster.

 

You need a refresher course of what constitues a healthy relationship, Leigh.

[Leigh 87]

If I was in the position where I knew I was madly in love with a guy, yet I had an online sexting addiction, I would not carry on with it just because I KNEW that I was really in love with them!

 

Some men think that dudes think that they are not naturally monogamous. They think it's natural to be able to love a women, yet have meaningless sex with others.

 

The thing is: DECENT men who RESPECT women, would still not go through with what the person in question did to me.

 

Men who are selfless, decent and respectable people, would acknowledge the fact they COULD do it, yet would never act on it.

 

Acting on something like that, it felt natural for me and them at the time. It just seemed like a natural part of being a man for SOME men (not all men felt his need)

 

I just thought it was normal and natural.

 

Oh well, they can go explore that. Single. Without a loyal girlfriend.

 

Thankgod for people who bothered to talk some sense into me.

 

Even my own mother said they she could see that they really loved me, yet it was still not right to explore their urges when in a committed relationship.

 

And my mum has friends who are "out there" too.

 

Anyway. My parents are happily married for over 35 years. They are still just as in love, which is why I so strongly believe that it is more attainable than you would imagine to find a person willing to be with you for the rest of your life.

 

My parents have almost separated due to massive life stressors too, but they worked through even the deepest most awful problems.

[Leigh 87]

Love is when you put your needs 100% SECOND to the one you love.

 

Nope. You're confusing romantic love with familial (specifically parental) love.

 

When you are a parent, yes, you absolutely put your needs, wants and desires second for the benefits of the child. You do that because the child lacks the developed brain to make their own decisions and look after themselves.

 

When you love someone in a romantic sense, you consider their needs and their desires in conjunction with your own. A combination of compromising, and both of you getting your own way, depending on the decisions being made. You do not sacrifice everything 100% for the person you love.

 

That is a recipe for relationship disaster.

 

You need a refresher course of what constitues a healthy relationship, Leigh.

 

 

 

Really?

 

Exactly why I do not want to be a parent; abandoning my own needs FOR LIFE is NOT my cup of tea:lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

Here is what I think is a healthy relationship

 

- yes I Believe in that big, crazy love where you're always loved up and never lose the thrill of being glad to see one another. I mean, I felt it for over two years?

 

- As well as being crazy about each other (as much as Chaucer hates me using that term)

 

But okay, you can be annoyed at the person or dislike aspects about them and even need space away from them occasionally!

 

I mean crazy about someone as in; you light up when you see them throughout the entire relationship (yet not EVERY time you walk past them)

 

Crazy about someone as in: you love the stupid little things they do, the silly things that say, and the way they just are.

 

.................................................

 

A healthy relationship, in a way that I need a relationship also goes as follows:

 

- chemistry/sexual attraction to me

 

- we are not settling, insofar as we are genuinely IN love and do not want a more beautiful or more interesting partner; we would not have it any other way than the way things are.

 

- when we are apart I need at least a goodnight text once per day that we are apart

 

- We both need firm boundaries with the opposite sex and to discuss them with each other before getting serious

 

- no history of them serial cheating

 

- we have to both be in a healthy and mature place that will enable a relationship to work

 

..............................................................

 

And I know what I want in a guy through experience.

 

And what I will not accept.....