I Can't Do It

[DelusionalOne]

Last week I posted on how I was on vacation. How good I was doing. How good I felt and that xMOM barely crossed my mind in hours and hours. I hoped that feeling would last.

 

It hasn't. I can't do this. The only thing last week showed me is how stressed and upset I am when I am here and this is all in my face... All day ... 5 days a week.

 

I am up for this big promotion... Which xMOM applied for as well. What I didn't mention is that if he got the position over me, for all intents and purposes he would become my boss and actually work in the same office as me going forward. Could anything suck more than that?

 

But either way... I realize that I am miserable. I can go thru the motions and I am productive and getting work done... But it's like it is ALWAYS right there... Like a persistent itch on my brain. I can't keep doing this to myself.

 

How do I walk away from a 10 year career? This sucks!

[whichwayisup]

How do I walk away from a 10 year career? This sucks!

 

How do you stay?

 

Your mental health is at risk here.

 

Just start looking for a job in the same field. You can still do the same career.

[DelusionalOne]

You said you can't do it, so there is your answer. Your sanity should be your priority and if you have to walk, you have to walk.

 

I'm not taking a dig at you, but we often have to deal with the consequences as a result of what the affair leaves in it's aftermath. This is one of yours.

 

I don't recall, aren't you married also? If so, are you reconciling or divorcing?

 

I am married. My DH knows everything about the EA. And we are staying together. It's not that I am sitting her pining or crying my eyes out ... It just like constantly having a piece of glass in you hand that you can't get out. You can still function but there is always the reminder that there is a piece of glass in your hand...reminding you that you were stupid enough to get glass in your hand.

[chaser0195]

IF he does get the position would he pull dirty tricks? If he would, could you go to HR and let it blow up in his face? I am NOT saying play dirty but I am saying if that does happen make sure you defend yourself. With that said, no one knows who got the job yet so take it a little at a time. Even when you are at work, put yourself on a mental vacation from him. Keep busy with your job and your responsibilities. If you must communicate with him, keep it strictly business. Don't make rash decisions just yet.

[DelusionalOne]

Don't borrow trouble. It's entirely possible that he's not going to get the position, perhaps you will get it. Maybe someone else will get it, but it's not a done deal that he is going to get it, and therefore, you don't have to stress yourself out over that piece right this minute.

 

As far as your career, maybe if he doesn't get the position, he'll go elsewhere.

If you don't get the position, maybe you'll want to.

 

Or maybe it'll all settle down and you'll change your mind. You don't have to burn bridges today.

 

Take a moment, center yourself... ok... now... if he does get that position, you can re-evaluate.

You CAN do this. This, like anything else will be better eventually. It will be ok, it's just a process to get there.

Take it in chunks of manageable time, don't think about next year, next month, next week, or 2:30. Think about now and that you are coping with it, and you can do this for the next hour, until after lunch, until the end of the day...

And then it starts to get easier with time passing, everything does.

YOU CAN. You can do anything you want/need to. You are strong. You CAN.

You only stop being able to do things when you tell yourself you can't. Don't defeat yourself.

It will be ok.

 

What 1 thing can you do to put some joy into your day today? What ALWAYS makes you smile?

 

 

A million times...THANK YOU for the pep talk. I truly appreciate it.

I know that part of this is that today is 4 months since Dday.

Someday... I'll stop knowing how long it's been but today is not that day.

 

Thank you again... The pep talk is very much appreciated! 1 hour at a time.

[Goodbye]

Delusional, I'm sorry. It sucks when you feel you have the grief under control and then it pops back up. Is your reconciliation with H going well?

 

When I first read your post I thought you should definitely leave your job. But then I wondered, if you left and went to another job, with the resentment increase and prolong the whole emotional process? I don't know. I guess if the new job was excellent it would be easier to not look back. It is very difficult.

 

Is you H ok with you continuing to share a career with the exOM?

 

And yes, one hour at a time. Distract yourself, replace thoughts of him with thoughts of what you are going to make for dinner tonight, stuff like that.

[Praying4Peace]

Last week I posted on how I was on vacation. How good I was doing. How good I felt and that xMOM barely crossed my mind in hours and hours. I hoped that feeling would last.

 

It hasn't. I can't do this. The only thing last week showed me is how stressed and upset I am when I am here and this is all in my face... All day ... 5 days a week.

 

I am up for this big promotion... Which xMOM applied for as well. What I didn't mention is that if he got the position over me, for all intents and purposes he would become my boss and actually work in the same office as me going forward. Could anything suck more than that?

 

But either way... I realize that I am miserable. I can go thru the motions and I am productive and getting work done... But it's like it is ALWAYS right there... Like a persistent itch on my brain. I can't keep doing this to myself.

 

How do I walk away from a 10 year career? This sucks!

 

If you get the promotion, will xMM still be as close in proximity to you? Because that could be a long term problem too. You need to ask yourself this: you two working together, is this going to hinder your attempts at R? Seriously, seriously ask yourself this. Is it just an annoyance/reminder that he's there or do you still have feelings for him? It's still early so maybe they will fade as you continue to R at home.

 

How are things going at home with your H? Marriage counseling? What does he think about your job and xMM, etc.?

 

Finally- I think that sometimes there are stretches of time where we feel okay and then it all comes back and you wonder if you ever were okay. I think its important to remember that's normal. It's like an echo...dying down each time.

 

Hang in there, one hour at a time. You will probably feel a bit stronger tomorrow. It goes in cycles like that.

 

How much longer until the decision on promotion??????

[findingnemo]

Last week I posted on how I was on vacation. How good I was doing. How good I felt and that xMOM barely crossed my mind in hours and hours. I hoped that feeling would last.

 

It hasn't. I can't do this. The only thing last week showed me is how stressed and upset I am when I am here and this is all in my face... All day ... 5 days a week.

 

I am up for this big promotion... Which xMOM applied for as well. What I didn't mention is that if he got the position over me, for all intents and purposes he would become my boss and actually work in the same office as me going forward. Could anything suck more than that?

 

But either way... I realize that I am miserable. I can go thru the motions and I am productive and getting work done... But it's like it is ALWAYS right there... Like a persistent itch on my brain. I can't keep doing this to myself.

 

How do I walk away from a 10 year career? This sucks!

 

Calm down, DelusionalOne. (By the way, you don't seem that delusional to me.)

 

Whatever you do, don't consider walking away from your job because of xMOM. No, no, no!!! As LFH said, take it a day at a time. Deal with issues as they come up. It is amazing how tough human beings can be when faced with danger. XMOM being your boss spells danger and you will find a way out of it.

[DelusionalOne]

I don't work with xMOM on a daily basis. We are on the same team in different offices. Our paths don't cross ... Physically... on any regular or even semi-regular basis at all.

 

My DH thinks xMM is a not my equal on any level but does want me to quit if XMM gets the promotion over me... Which I agree. My DH has his own history but we won't go into that.

 

I assure you ... There are no more leftover fantasies of happily ever after with xMOM. I've been out here long enough to shake sense into me .

 

Decision on the promotion is at least a month away.

[krazikat]

Last week I posted on how I was on vacation. How good I was doing. How good I felt and that xMOM barely crossed my mind in hours and hours. I hoped that feeling would last.

 

It hasn't. I can't do this. The only thing last week showed me is how stressed and upset I am when I am here and this is all in my face... All day ... 5 days a week.

 

I am up for this big promotion... Which xMOM applied for as well. What I didn't mention is that if he got the position over me, for all intents and purposes he would become my boss and actually work in the same office as me going forward. Could anything suck more than that?

 

But either way... I realize that I am miserable. I can go thru the motions and I am productive and getting work done... But it's like it is ALWAYS right there... Like a persistent itch on my brain. I can't keep doing this to myself.

 

How do I walk away from a 10 year career? This sucks!

 

Dont let the time on the job keep you in a place where you are unhappy, stressed out, etc. Hopefully you will get the promotion and not him and wont have to deal with it...but if he getsthe job do what you need to do for your own sanity...

 

Yes, the job thing is scary...I get that...I changed companies after over a decade at the same place, and my career has grown because of it...more money, more opportunity...so changing jobs could benefit you more in the end...

[findingnemo]

I don't work with xMOM on a daily basis. We are on the same team in different offices. Our paths don't cross ... Physically... on any regular or even semi-regular basis at all.

 

My DH thinks xMM is a not my equal on any level but does want me to quit if XMM gets the promotion over me... Which I agree. My DH has his own history but we won't go into that.

 

I assure you ... There are no more leftover fantasies of happily ever after with xMOM. I've been out here long enough to shake sense into me .

 

Decision on the promotion is at least a month away.

 

I'm a firm believer in destiny. Well, destiny coupled with good sense and hard work.

 

Let's wait 30 days and then figure out what to do. If your DH thinks you're better (professionally) than xMOM, then your chances for promotion are good. You may even become xMOM's boss which would be hilarious!! I would transfer him to Siberia immediately.

[Praying4Peace]

DO- You can make it 30 days!!! We are here for you too!

 

:):):)

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I have a friend who is in an affair (she says it's an EA not a PA for 2 1/2 years - I don't believe that part) and I think she came to me because she wanted me to give her permission to "go be happy". She works in the same office as he does. He apparently has told her that he is willing to give up everything to be with her (he is married also) and he would want to make his wife comfortable, etc.

 

I have warned her that things will more than likely not turn out the way she thinks they will. His wife already has phone records, etc. and she says she has told her husband of her feelings. She thinks they don't care.

 

Anyway, I asked what she really wanted and she said she wants to get back what she and her husband used to have.

 

So, I told her I felt like she had to leave her job - that there was no way she could work with him, feeling the way she does and try to recover her marriage and that I believed that her marriages deserved the attention to try to make it work.

 

She is conflicted - she keeps asking me "do I give up my insurance?" (because she carries the insurance for her family - her husband is self-employed). I told her I couldn't tell her what to do but that was the only way I saw recovery possible.

 

All of that to say that you have a decision to make too. I think you are going to have a very hard time while you are in such close proximity to him - even though you might not be in the same office - the possibility of crossing paths is very high.

 

Good luck to you in whatever you do - I'm sorry about all of this - it really sucks - I know!

Edited May 28, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[DelusionalOne]

If we worked in the same office... I would already be gone.

Our offices aren't even in the same state. But we are on the same team.

[metal_chick]

How confident do you feel about the promotion? Do you think it's yours? Will it help the situation if you get it?

 

Have you started looking already? Because that might be your only option, if it's affecting you this much. You can't subject yourself to it, it's not healthy.

 

I feel for you, hon.

[tryingto]

DO, if you are promoted will you then be his direct supervisor? That sounds almost as awful as if he were yours. It seems like that would require a significant increase in contact and definitely something to consider when the time comes. Hopefully, you will get the promotion and he will move on after having been passed over! GOOD LUCK!!!

 

At some point, you may need to move on in your career, if at the end of the day, it is best for your emotionally and mentally... but right now, I'm definitely with all the others who have encouraged you to take a deep breath and take it a little at a time.

 

On another note, I applaud you every day you have been able to maintain NC while having to work on the same team as him. I do not envy your position and I don't believe I could have been as strong in your situation.

[DelusionalOne]

Thank you all for the great advice and support. My afternoon was busy with meetings and work and by the time I looked up it was time to go home. One day at a time.

 

So let me answer some questions....

 

It's hard to explain, but I am in the subordinate position of the promotion I am seeking. If I get the promotion, they would then hire someone to replace my position. If xMOM got the promotion, I would stay in my current position and he would, in effect, become my supervisor.... until I quit. He would not take my current position because, in essence, it would be a lateral move for him with me as his supervisor and I'm fairly certain he doesn't want that.

 

My chances of getting the promotion. I'm not sure. I am trained for it and qualified. But (an no offense to the guys on the board), I don't have a penis. And my company is very much the Good 'Ole Boys club. That is the main advantage xMOM has over me...he has a penis (I am assuming...I've never actually seen it ).

 

Here's the kicker.... if he wasn't for him, I probably wouldn't even be up for this promotion. While he didn't train me for the position, he groomed and trained me for leadership. He thought I was highly intelligent and wanted great things for me. He wanted to see me succeed. He taught me how to take control. How to step up and make myself be seen and heard (very tough for someone as introverted as I am). He constantly pushed me, supported me and encouraged be to better. At some level it must have worked...several months back, I got my best review, highest raise and best bonus since I started with the company. And because of him, I am a serious contender for this promotion. I know it sounds like affair fog, but he really did bring out the best in me. I didn't fall in love with him because of his beautiful eyes and killer smile, I fell in love with his intelligence and his strong sense of self.

 

He also taught me something that backfired on him.... not to be a doormat. That's where the "being strong in NC" came from. He taught me not to just let anyone treat me badly and take it. That's why his "breadcrumbs" always made me angry. They were always so benign ... like it was ok, after throwing me under the bus, to pretend we were buddies and I would just be ok with that. I fear that if he had come back with "I love you" or "I miss you" I would have caved. Thank goodness that didn't happen.

 

At the end of the day, I may well have to leave the job. If I get the promotion, I am constantly in the position of being on the same team unless he takes another job. If I don't get the promotion, then I obviously don't have a future there and I am wasting my time.

[fllygirl]

If you get a promotion, you could stay for awhile to gain some experience and then look for a new job ( if you still want to). Your new title will look much better on your resume.