NC/LC at Work

[Clemenza]

How in the actual hell is this possible?

 

MW (I guess xMW) and I work in a small office, so we're bound to see each other at least a couple of times during the day. She's currently in marriage counseling, and we decided on NC last Monday. On Friday, we saw each other a few times and just smiled and said hello.

 

Today, I walked past her office because I had to get something from my mailbox. It was just her sitting there with nobody around. So I popped in and said "I have no idea how to act like a stranger toward you, so I just wanted to say hello." She said "That's a good thing. Thank you. It's really good to see you. Your shirt looks nice." And I said "It's good to see you, too." We smiled at each other for a few seconds, then I went back to my office.

 

We saw each other again after that and said "hey." About a half hour ago, she came into my office to talk to my office mate who is taking photos of MW's daughter pretty soon. They were going over a time and prices and all that, and my office mate asked her "Do you want me to take some of the three of you (meaning her, her daughter, and husband)?" MW said "Might as well." I don't know why, but that made it feel like a knife was jabbed into my stomach.

 

Last she told me, which was last week, is that she's only looking into marriage counseling because of her daughter. She said she can't foresee herself being happy in the marriage, but she's trying to not make her daughter suffer the consequences. Maybe she just wants her daughter to have photos with both parents. I don't know. The "only trying to work on it for the kid" thing is probably very cliche, I know. All I have known about their M is that neither of them have been happy for a while, and that she doesn't "love him like a wife should love her husband." From an outsiders point of view, it seems broken. It's so hard to watch her work on a marriage with someone who she apparently doesn't love as much as she loves me. Might be just a line, but that would make her as good of an actress as Meryl Streep for the past 15 months.

 

I was doing ok today, but seeing her make those photography plans made me feel like crap again. I just don't know how to pretend she's a stranger, when she and I have been about as close as you can get for the past 15 months.

[Clemenza]

Talking about personal stuff isn't NC at all. As long as you continue talking, you won't move on.

 

I know it's hard but conversing with her is not helpful for either one of you. Is it over...........or not?

 

At this point, I don't know. Probably. I've just never connected with anyone like this, and I'm finding it hard to not have some hope that we could be together. We've tried NC before, and it never worked. She was always the one to break it. Since she started marriage counseling 3 weeks ago, we had sex once. After we did it, she told me "I hope you don't feel bad about that, because I don't. I miss being with you." I didn't feel bad about it.

 

But if it's going to happen, and I know I might be a fool for even wanting it to happen, it needs to happen organically. Which means we need to stay away from each other. This is like coming off of a drug. I need to get to a point in which I'm fine with not being with her. She told me some pretty deep and intense things over the past 15 months, though. Things a woman has never expressed to me. It's difficult to go from that to acting like strangers at the office.

 

I want to believe that she truly is conflicted about doing what she thinks is best for her 2-year old daughter, and doing what makes her happy (which is being with me). She told me as much, even after she started marriage counseling. That's always been the narrative.

 

I know I'm weak, heh. I'm really glad I started counseling last week so I can try to get to the root of it, and end up being ok with whatever happens.

[Praying4Peace]

How in the actual hell is this possible?

 

MW (I guess xMW) and I work in a small office, so we're bound to see each other at least a couple of times during the day. She's currently in marriage counseling, and we decided on NC last Monday. On Friday, we saw each other a few times and just smiled and said hello.

 

Today, I walked past her office because I had to get something from my mailbox. It was just her sitting there with nobody around. So I popped in and said "I have no idea how to act like a stranger toward you, so I just wanted to say hello." She said "That's a good thing. Thank you. It's really good to see you. Your shirt looks nice." And I said "It's good to see you, too." We smiled at each other for a few seconds, then I went back to my office.

 

We saw each other again after that and said "hey." About a half hour ago, she came into my office to talk to my office mate who is taking photos of MW's daughter pretty soon. They were going over a time and prices and all that, and my office mate asked her "Do you want me to take some of the three of you (meaning her, her daughter, and husband)?" MW said "Might as well." I don't know why, but that made it feel like a knife was jabbed into my stomach.

 

Last she told me, which was last week, is that she's only looking into marriage counseling because of her daughter. She said she can't foresee herself being happy in the marriage, but she's trying to not make her daughter suffer the consequences. Maybe she just wants her daughter to have photos with both parents. I don't know. The "only trying to work on it for the kid" thing is probably very cliche, I know. All I have known about their M is that neither of them have been happy for a while, and that she doesn't "love him like a wife should love her husband." From an outsiders point of view, it seems broken. It's so hard to watch her work on a marriage with someone who she apparently doesn't love as much as she loves me. Might be just a line, but that would make her as good of an actress as Meryl Streep for the past 15 months.

 

I was doing ok today, but seeing her make those photography plans made me feel like crap again. I just don't know how to pretend she's a stranger, when she and I have been about as close as you can get for the past 15 months.

 

"Might as well" is a very tepid way to agree. Of course it would be nice to have a pic with her daughter and both parents for the future- whether or not they stay together.

 

I don't doubt her feelings for you one bit. You know what you know and I'm sure people are going to come on here and start going off that she doesn't care, etc. etc.

 

The best thing you can do is stay out of her way completely. She has to see her marriage clearly, without you in her life. If she's so unhappy, that emptiness will be magnified. When I went NC with my exAP to work on the marriage...I felt so alone and his absence was very pronounced. But I needed to see that. You don't want to be that guy who says 'go work on your marriage' and then is always popping his head in in a 'don't forget me!' way. That will come across to her and she won't like it overall.

 

Have confidence. If its meant to be it will be! You don't want her if she is half in her marriage. You want her free and clear and with her knowing that it was her decision and that you stood by her even during that difficult time. She knows how tough it is for you, and you doing that for her (putting her needs first) is a sign of strength and caring. So what if she didn't do that for you? You do what's right for you and feels real and authentic for you, given the feelings.

 

That photo thing would've felt like a stab to me too. Its a reminder that she is part of a larger group that doesn't include you. Please hang in there. As someone who tried- staying for the kids doesn't bring happiness it just removes some guilt. Its all very complicated but you just be strong.

[Clemenza]

Brief summary to address potential questions:

 

EA started 15 months ago. PA started 12 months ago. D-Day was in mid-December. We had very LC for a couple of months after that. They were separated and it was looking like a D was coming, so I was just hands off and wanted to let it happen. Early last month, I started feeling anxious about it all and didn't know if I was ready to be with her. So I told her I wasn't sure that it could happen between us. They made her lose all hope of ever being with me, which sent her to marriage counseling. I clarified 3 weeks ago that I do want to be with her, we just needed to really discuss how to approach it. By then, she had moved back in and they started counseling. Though, she still maintained that she was just doing it for her daughter. Her words were "When I thought you didn't want to be with me, I sort of gave up and took everyone's advice to get marriage counseling. Now I don't know what to do."

 

Telling her last month that I was unsure if it could happen between us has turned into a regret of mine. But if that prompted her to work on the marriage, then I think it seems like I would have been the wedge. I didn't want to be the deciding factor, so I guess I should have no regrets. It's still hard to not wonder what would've happened if I said I was all in then. Good chance our relationship would've started on the wrong foot (not like it already wouldn't).

[Clemenza]

I think you both are right. I need to not "announce" to her that I'm here. If her marriage dissolves organically, then that's what I wanted all along. I don't think we'd have a healthy relationship if I felt like she left just because she knew she could be with me. That could lead to a lot of resentment on either side.

 

I have never really connected with many women in my life. My parents say I'm too picky, but I check out if I don't feel like someone really gets me. So these feelings are pretty new to me. If she didn't mean the things she's told me for the better part of 15 months, she may actually be a sociopath. Lol. You don't tell people those things and not mean them. I feel like I know her very well, so I have to believe her.

 

Our brief chat this morning made me feel good. It confirmed that she misses me. But I need to let her really miss me (or not) and come to a conclusion on her own.

 

I'm sure you can relate to this. I feel like if I just disappear, that she'll think I'm not interested anymore. So by smiling and saying "good to see you," that's my way of conveying that I'm still there for her. Probably not a good plan, but that's where my mind is in those moments. Before we tried to go NC last week, she said that she's worried that I'll be in love with someone else by the time she gets her **** together. I told her not to assume that. I told her that if/when she's single, to please let me know and we can figure out if/how we want to proceed. I said "Even if it seems like I'm mad at you, or I'm having doubts, don't assume anything. Talk to me." She said "You'll be the first person I call." That's how we ended our conversation before trying NC.

 

This is one of the most difficult things I've ever tried to do. Thank you so much for the responses. I'm proof that the OM in these situations is capable of intense feelings, too.

 

I've been very tempted to write her a letter and give it to her next week, before I leave town for a week, but I'm going to try to refrain. If anything, maybe I'll just post the letter here and not give it to her. Heh.

[secretlady76]

On your side:

 

How the hell is it possible? It is if you try. But you haven't have you? You went and spoke to her to make you feel better and all it's done is make you feel worse. Where is the sense is that?! But you couldn't help it because you are addicted by the way she makes you feel. And God forbid she moves on and 'forgets' about you. You would hate that. So, you made your presence felt to get a reaction.....only the reaction backfired and now it's given you a bad reaction.

 

Her side:

 

She's told you that she wants to work on her marriage. Why won't you respect that? Of course she's going to feel a hole that you used to fill, so why keep filling it? She is probably a little pleased you went and talked to her because she now knows her hook into you has still got a hold, so she can still have her cake and eat it. Brilliant!

 

NC is there for a reason. NC means just that. She is a stranger to you. Walk straight past her office, don't even look at her. Yes, it is tough to begin with but you have to work at it, otherwise what is the point? Take control and stop acting like a little lap dog. It makes you look desperate. Get your life back so you can move on and find someone who you can have 100%. Really she only seems extra desirable because you can't have her. Rejection is the biggest aphrodisiac. Reject her.

[carhill]

NC/LC at work is facilitated by a professional attitude regarding any work-related interactions, focusing only on work, and avoiding contact otherwise.

 

As an example, when you went to your mailbox, you don't look in the door of her office, you don't notice she's alone, you don't 'pop in' to say hello. You go to your mailbox.

 

I'll give you a tip about MW's. They get a lot of validation and ego pumping from seemingly innocuous attention. You don't need to hit the big direct numbers like you did with your love affair and PA. In fact, your look in the door and stopping in to say 'hi' after all that went on is a pretty good boost in itself. It's a reminder that she still has a hold on you and that feels pretty good.

[anne1707]

Carhill has it spot on.

 

I am married and had an affair at work which ended 5 years ago. I still work with the exOM.

 

NC at work is hard but it can be done. You do not do personal chat. You don't say that shirt looks nice. You don't say have a nice weekend. You don't say where are you going on holiday.

 

You do not pop into each others offices where a phone call will do. You do not phone where an email will do. You don't email where there is no need to actually connect in any way.

 

You keep it polite, professional and friendly - but the latter is only for the sake of your colleagues not each other.

 

Think of the colleague you like least at work and therefore keep your interactions to a minimum. Now interact with the MW less than this.

 

 

 

Reasons for NC:

• if she really is working on her marriage then NC is best for her, her husband and you
  
• if she is still cake eating then NC allows you to take control of your life rather than her manipulating and playing you
  
• your professional integrity
  
• your personal dignity
  

Edited May 28, 2013 by anne1707

[Clemenza]

Anne, carhill, and secretlady....thank you all for your feedback.

 

Over the past few hours, a strange calmness has come about in me. I've really been thinking about accepting whatever outcome may present itself. I know she and I have this amazing connection, but there is more at stake than what I want. My ego has been eating at me and telling me to take everything personally, but this is more than about me. She has a daughter to think about. I've never been married, and I don't have kids, so I don't know the dynamics. I honestly have no idea what I would do in her situation. I love her enough that, if she makes a decision that she feels will make her happy, I have to support it. We'll never forget each other, but sometimes things really are just not meant to be. Timing, quite often, is everything (sorry for the cliches). It's really nice to know that I'm capable of having this type of connection with someone. And I know that I can use this experience, as well as past romantic experiences, to help me moving forward. The counseling could help with that.

 

I hope this peace lasts. I suspect I'll still have some down moments, but it's encouraging that this type of thinking and calmness has presented itself. It means there's been some improvement, and that's all I'm after right now. I'm not looking for some grand quick fix. I doubt that's possible.