Scorpio1102 Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 (edited) Thank you for reading my post. I need opinions about breaking up this relationship after 6. I will try to make this brief. I have been in a relationship with a man for 6 years who i love dearly. Our relationship has its goods and bads just like in other relationship and we have even discussed marriage. I am an independent single mother and he has children as well. He is a hard worker and has to work 2 jobs to survive. We have very little time to spend together typicall every other weekend when we dont have our kids and he is not working. I am not a selfish individual and always encourage him to get his kids and spend time with them even if it means sacrificing our time. The bad thing about this is that he takes it personally that i am trying to hurt him. Something you should know is that he has issues from his past that he thinks people are always out to hurt him. I have explained that that is not my intent and that i am here to support your relationship with the kids. This weekend i went shopping and he asked could they go. I said sure however i felt like a 5th wheel (there's 4 of them). I found myself drifting because again i wanted them to spend time together as he had seen them in 2 months. This was 2 days ago i have not heard from him. This is his coping mechanism and when he thinks someone has done him wrong he tries to strike back. My dilemma is that i am down right tired of being accused of trying to hurt this man when all i am trying to is support him. I know i can't change him or what he has been through and i dont want to change him. I just want him to know i got his back. Should i break off this relationship? Help Edited May 29, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted May 29, 2013 Share Posted May 29, 2013 You've put up with him for six years. He won't change. Now you can say, "You're finally right, I'm going to hurt you because I'm leaving." Link to post Share on other sites
shexy Posted May 29, 2013 Share Posted May 29, 2013 It sounds like he doesn't really appreciate that you're trying hard to make everything work between the two of you and the kids. He's so convinced he'll be hurt, he's not really ever going to change. Link to post Share on other sites
AsonUnique Posted May 29, 2013 Share Posted May 29, 2013 Idk that it's for us to decide, you should weigh the pros and cons and determine if you're happy with him or not. FitChick is right, he's not going to change, so will you be happy in life if it continues on like the past 6 years have? That's a good chunk of time, so hopefully he's open for a good discussion about where things are and is willing to try and focus on improving some things in the relationship. Maybe you two have already done that though, in which case I'd also be seriously considering a breakup. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scorpio1102 Posted May 29, 2013 Author Share Posted May 29, 2013 Thank you for your response. I agree with all of you. We have had discussions about this and he said he would work on this, but it still happens. There are pros and cons to consider, for the most part we have a good life and enjoy one another. I am just at a point where I cant continue this relationship with these episodes. I am a good person and I know I deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
scorpio1978 Posted May 29, 2013 Share Posted May 29, 2013 I don't know your ages, I assume with a bunch of children, he is at least in his 30's, but he sounds very childish. Like a kid who holds his breath, he chooses to go into these "spells" and not reach out or ignore. He also sounds insecure. Two qualities that do not sit right with me and if you are a true Scorpio, you know what I mean. If you already know you can do better, then you can. 6 years is nothing when compared to 20+ in a marriage you could be in with a man who you have to live with and get the silent treatment because he is being a baby. No, I don't like this. Move on 1 Link to post Share on other sites
apple OR orange Posted May 29, 2013 Share Posted May 29, 2013 so, let me get this right "you love him, dont want to change him and you want him to know you have his back by" DUMPING HIM Yeah, that sounds like a great idea, he will get all the above messages so clear its not funny, he will know you really want to be with him by dumping him, yep, perfect sense, do that.... wtf????? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 29, 2013 Share Posted May 29, 2013 We have very little time to spend together typicall every other weekend when we dont have our kids and he is not working. I am not a selfish individual and always encourage him to get his kids and spend time with them even if it means sacrificing our time. The bad thing about this is that he takes it personally that i am trying to hurt him. Something you should know is that he has issues from his past that he thinks people are always out to hurt him. Is it possible that your communication is so poor that your disconnect from him could be simply explained as this : He sees your efforts to allow him private time with his kids as a refusal to get involved with his side of the family. He's trying - perhaps awkwardly - to blend the two families together and is hurt by your lack of interest. When you describe yourself as "5th wheel", I could see how he might feel that way... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scorpio1102 Posted May 29, 2013 Author Share Posted May 29, 2013 We are in our mid 40's. I has previously been married for 10 years and he had been married before. I have a good relationship with the children and we as a blended family have always done things together. It has been recently ( past year) that he has spent very little time with his kids due to his work schedule. We in fact just came back from taking his 7 year old to disney about 6 weeks ago for her birthday and had a great time. Being a single parent i know that kids look forward to some quality time with thier other parent when it doesnt happen that often and i just want them to take advantage of that time. As far as loving him, having his back etc. I do! A person can only take so much. I have been with this person ride or die for 6 years. I have been there when no one else was. I have given up time due to crazy work schedules because i know what he has to do to make ends meet. So when you say dumping him as a possibility yes that ia crossing mind! I am a kind hearted woman who loves hard but i also will not allow someone to ignore me and have tantrams in situations like this. Also understand this is one scenario that i have shared. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 29, 2013 Share Posted May 29, 2013 Being a single parent i know that kids look forward to some quality time with thier other parent when it doesnt happen that often and i just want them to take advantage of that time. So why do you think he gets angry when you attempt to provide that time? Do you feel he's dumping his lids - and therefore his responsibilities - on you? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scorpio1102 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Share Posted May 30, 2013 I honestly think that he gets angry because he feels/thinks i dont want to be bothered. I do think that he looks for me to help fill that gap with his children as they are all girls and when he has them all at the same time he could be overwhelmed, because like i said prior too we always did things as a blended family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scorpio1102 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Share Posted May 30, 2013 It has been 4 days and I have not heard a word from him (mind you we talk every day either via text, e-mail or phone). However this is the pattern whenever he acts like this. I understand men withdrawing I get that but for 4 days. I have actually stopped reaching out to him since he is ignoring me and have decided to end the relationsip. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 I have actually stopped reaching out to him since he is ignoring me and have decided to end the relationsip. Sorry to hear that, I'm sure it's a tough decision. What does it mean for your living situation? How will you tell your son and step-kids? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scorpio1102 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Share Posted May 30, 2013 Thank you for your concern. The good thing in all of this is that we do not live together. I actually have 3 children 24 (son), 18(son), and 14(daughter) who live with me. When I divorced I did not want to put my children who were alot younger at the time in that situation with a live in partner. It is something that we both wanted and actually never was a big issue with our relationship. Ignoring me intentionally is a deep hurt, and losing him and this relationship is a tough decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 Ignoring me intentionally is a deep hurt, and losing him and this relationship is a tough decision. It is tough because it puts your kids through a "mini-divorce" all over again. Handling your personal relationships post divorce is one of the toughest challenges and one I really struggled with. I've seen friends do both "show them nothing" and "involve them in everything" and both approaches bring their own set of issues. Is your daughter close to his girls? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scorpio1102 Posted May 31, 2013 Author Share Posted May 31, 2013 When we first started dating all of the kids were close. As he started working more the past several years and hardly getting his kids, along with the kids becoming teenagers and finding themselves they have grown apart, but we all get along when we are together. Thanks for asking. Link to post Share on other sites
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