How to get over jealousy of his ex-girlfriend...

[cloudy902]

How can I stop feeling jealous over my man's ex? He did so much for her, I think he did things for her that he would not do for me. She had complete control over him and while that is bad, I know that he would never let me do half the things she got away with. I think she is more attractive than me also and that may be why he let her get away with so much. I know you will say that he's with me now and not her, but I think he might have gotten back together with her if she hadn't "moved on" with other men since him. Please help.

[cloudy902]

I am also afraid of seeing her because I think that she'll be laughing at me, knowing she is better looking and maybe better in bed. She is pretty stuck-up and thinks that my boyfriend still wants her. Anyone, please help?

[savethedrama4allama]

I would say the best thing to do is focus on yourself, and use her as a way to motivate you toward changing the things you do not like about yourself. Like losing weight, whitening your teeth, whatever. What is it that you think she has above you?

 

If he is still wanting her or wishing to be with her, that's his problem in my opinion. Unfortunately I can't tell you if he is.

 

There have to be some things that you know you do better than her. I'm sure you're nicer, or funnier, or smarter.

 

But you can't change what she thinks of you, if she thinks your ugly or whatnot. She might seem really stuck up but she may actually have low self-esteem and thats why she acts the way she does. You never know. Take pity on her instead of putting her on a pedestal.

[B1uehunter]

Maybe SHE thinks she's better than you. Maybe HE thinks she's better than you. But is she really better than you? HELL NO!

 

Unless you're contemplating marriage, just try to ignore the jealousy! Remember that jealousy is a feeling which is shunned in every major religion there is- and with very good reason. Try to be strong- there is no better way to improve yourself!

 

Also, keep in mind that you retain the right to break up with him at anytime for any reason at all. Hell, you don't even need a reason, after all, you're just going out. If he's bothering you that much with his ex-gf nostalgia, sayanora!

[Adunaphel]

He did so much for her, I think he did things for her that he would not do for me.

 

How did you find out? Was he the one who told you? If so, what was his attitude? He was bragging about how much he did for her (totally DUMB and insensitive on his part) or he was like 'how stupid I used to be, I was giving so much to someone who did not deserve it"?

 

 

She had complete control over him and while that is bad, I know that he would never let me do half the things she got away with. I think she is more attractive than me also and that may be why he let her get away with so much.

 

Perhaps he was giving her so much because he was in a relationship that was bad for him. Perhaps they are not together anymore because she was too demanding, and your bf at one point got tired of giving so much and not getting enough in return, and of being with a controlling person.

 

Perhaps he would not do for you what he used to do for his ex, simply because he would not now do *for anyone in the world* what he used to do for her, because it would not be right if he did.

I mean, it could not be a personal thing....he might have realized that he was not in an healthy relationship, and said to himself....I'll never be like that again!

 

Would you *really* want to be with a man who would put up with a a lot of crap and who would treat you well even if you treat him like **** ONLY because "he is in love with you"?

 

 

I think that if he really tolerated so much crap from his ex, it is not because she is in any way better than you, but only because he had lower self-esteem than he has now. Now he might be ready to be in a healthy relationship.

 

I know you will say that he's with me now and not her, but I think he might have gotten back together with her if she hadn't "moved on" with other men since him.

 

What makes you think this?

Does he act like he is still in love with her or compare you to her?

Does he act like he'd rather be with her than with you?

if so, I suggest you dump your bf - you deserve to be with someone who will put you in first place.

 

Is your bf fuelling your jealousy in any way?

Is he aware you are so jealous of his ex, did you tell him the things you wrote in your posts?

 

I am also afraid of seeing her because I think that she'll be laughing at me, knowing she is better looking and maybe better in bed. She is pretty stuck-up and thinks that my boyfriend still wants her.

 

I'd bet anything that the day you'll see her in person you'll say to yourself "ha! and I was so jealous of *this* person????"

Let her think whatever she wishes, since your bf is with you now!

[cloudy902]

Hi Adunaphel,

In response

 

How did you find out? Was he the one who told you? If so, what was his attitude? He was bragging about how much he did for her (totally DUMB and insensitive on his part) or he was like 'how stupid I used to be, I was giving so much to someone who did not deserve it"?

 

He told me everything I know about their relationship. I don't know her and she cut him off from most of his friends, so he is my only source of info on the topic. He doesn't say it in a bragging way, he says it in a "look how stupid I was" way. However, he continued to be freinds with her and allowed her to use him even after they broke up. This didn't stop until I came along and said "I don't feel comfortable with how close you are to your ex-girlfriend." I told him that I thought she was using him for material as well as self-esteem purposes and he says that I helped him "see the light."

 

Perhaps he was giving her so much because he was in a relationship that was bad for him. Perhaps they are not together anymore because she was too demanding, and your bf at one point got tired of giving so much and not getting enough in return, and of being with a controlling person.

 

This is what he says.

 

Perhaps he would not do for you what he used to do for his ex, simply because he would not now do *for anyone in the world* what he used to do for her, because it would not be right if he did. I mean, it could not be a personal thing....he might have realized that he was not in an healthy relationship, and said to himself....I'll never be like that again!

 

This is what I hope. But, he has done things to me that he has never done to her, like lie to me, or say he's going to bed and instead going out to party at a friend's house. She was so controlling he says he wasn't even given room to breathe. I'm cool and laid back, and look where it got me? We are trying to work past these trust issues, but its hard knowing that he never did this to her even though he says what a b*** she was. Do I need to be a b*** to get respect?

 

Would you *really* want to be with a man who would put up with a a lot of crap and who would treat you well even if you treat him like **** ONLY because "he is in love with you"?

 

Nope, like I said I would like respect though. He was wrong in what he did, and we're trying to work through it. Its killing me to know that he treated her better even though he claims she is such a mean/angry/manipulative person. And if she's so bad, why did they remain friends? He says that he felt bad for her.

 

I think that if he really tolerated so much crap from his ex, it is not because she is in any way better than you, but only because he had lower self-esteem than he has now. Now he might be ready to be in a healthy relationship.

 

This is so true. I know he has better self-esteem now, he says because I do not put him down like she did. But sometimes I guess he is so inflated that he turns around and walks on "me*. Where is the happy balance? And if he loves me and I'm so much "better", why doesn't he give me the utmost respect?

 

What makes you think this?

Does he act like he is still in love with her or compare you to her?

Does he act like he'd rather be with her than with you?

if so, I suggest you dump your bf - you deserve to be with someone who will put you in first place.

 

He did seem stuck on her in the beginning. He would smell my perfume and say "my ex used to wear that. It is so sexy." Just stupid, stupid inconsiderate things that are impossible to remove from my memory. Now I can't wear my perfume anymore. Other than that, he doesn't compare us much, unless we talk about her and he tells me how much "better" I am than her.

 

Is your bf fuelling your jealousy in any way?

Is he aware you are so jealous of his ex, did you tell him the things you wrote in your posts?

 

He fueled my jealousy by lying multiple times in the beginning of our relationship (about her to boot) and by talking a lot about things they did. There is this one restaurant they went to once, very fancy, and he talked about it all the time. When I bring these things to his attention he stops, yet it bothers me that I had to tell him to supress the thoughts. Obviously he's still having them, just not sharing them. I wish that thoughts of us, or his own friends and family, would be at the forefront of his mind. Yes, he knows I'm jealous...I've tried to talk this over wtih him but he brushes it off and I feel it makes me sound insecure. So I don't talk about it anymore.

 

I'd bet anything that the day you'll see her in person you'll say to yourself "ha! and I was so jealous of *this* person????"

 

That would be nice. Personally I think she's ugly (from pictures) but guys think she is so hot. She has the whole bleach-blonde, fake tan, tons of makeup thing going. My boyfriend says he likes my more "natural" look but I don't know if I believe him. In the end it comes down to my crappy self-esteem, which has been worsened by his poor behavior.