iceprincess Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 Hey everyone, I've been here and there on this site, but today I need some help or a little advice. I'm in a long-distance relationship with my BF. We've been together for a little over two years. I love him and he's the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. We both agreed that we would both finish school and get our degrees first before getting married. Everything about our relationship is good, but there is one thing that bothers me that I don't know how say to him, to not make myself look very demanding. In our two year relationship, he's only gotten me a Valentine's present...he didn't give me anything for my birthday. I know we live far away, but when there are special days for people to show how much they love one another, he doesn't do anything for him. I remembered his birthday gift and his Christmas presents and when he needed some school info, I sent them right to him. I'm not a materialistic person and I'm not high maintainence, but I feel that he could try a little harder at the whole gift thing. How do I tell this to him? I don't want him to feel that he should have to "buy" my love, but I just don't feel very special on Valentine's Day. Our 2-year anniversary date, came and went by at the end of June last summer, but he didn't say a word about anything even though I had reminded him several weeks before it. Should I be feeling this way about it? Is it just me? Anything will help, thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 Hrrrm, and I'm assuming it's not against his religion? Do you buy/send him a lot? Is he broke? --That's still not an excuse though, he can save! Does he take you out? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 It clearly matters to you. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to approach gift giving - each person has an individual preference. It IS important for you to let him know nicely that a well-chosen gift would mean a lot to you on special days. I doubt if "lack of gifts" equals "lack of love"; it's more likely that he just doesn't place much value on them himself, or perhaps he is not sure what you'd like, or he could be very cheap (yet truly devoted and loving)!! Nor is the giving of gifts necessarily equal to "buying love". Plenty of men seem to see it that way and are enthusiastic gift givers as a consequence, but you and I both know that a well-chosen gift, offered at the right time and with the right approach, can really feel like a million bucks! Along with other signs of affection (like kisses, smiles and kind words), it is important to you. So please tell him. No excuses, no blame. Just give him the information about you that you think he needs. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 What does he say about the other gifts you receive from people...assuming you tell him? Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 I think its okay to expect gifts and/or cards for your birthday, anniversary, or holidays. Really its the thought that counts, that he put forth the thought & effort into choosing and buying a gift for you. I have been where you're at, and I felt that if I had to remind him it took all the meaning out of it anyway. He forgot everything, even the day we got married. It was an indicator that he really didn't care about me much at all, which was apparent when I told him I was unhappy and he did nothing to try to keep our marriage together. If you know he cares about you and this gift thing is just one of his quirks, then remind him a little closer to the day and tell him you'd like a gift. But if you think that this problem indicates that he doesn't think of you enough, you're going to have some things to consider. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 How does your bf react when you give him a gift? Is he surprised, embarassed, happy to receive it? Does he like to receive gifts, and is his own birthday/present important to him? I noticed that some people who don't like/care to receive gifts on their birthday (or on other 'special' occasions) have difficulties to realize that to other people it could be very important. Does he give birthday gifts to his buddies? Anyway, Solemate gave you excellent advice : *tell him*, absolutely! There is nothing wrong in telling him that you'd like to receive a gift sometimes, and if you don't sound accusing(I'm sure you won't) he won't probably get offended/hurt...perhaps a little surprised. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iceprincess Posted October 5, 2004 Author Share Posted October 5, 2004 Originally posted by tikibrandy Hrrrm, and I'm assuming it's not against his religion? Do you buy/send him a lot? Is he broke? --That's still not an excuse though, he can save! Does he take you out? Hi, tikibrandy. I do buy and send him things on his birthday, Christmas and special occasions. Oh, and he's not broke! We have a long-distance relationship so it's not like he can take me out, but it would be nice to get something special (email, mail, text message) to remind me of how much he loves me. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted October 5, 2004 Share Posted October 5, 2004 Damn... not even a card? Maybe he's the type to think spending money on materialist things is a waste. You have to find out why he's not sending you gifts. I mean, it's not like you asking for marriage or something. Letting someone know they are in your thoughts is important, even if it's just a text message. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iceprincess Posted October 5, 2004 Author Share Posted October 5, 2004 Originally posted by SoleMate It clearly matters to you. it's more likely that he just doesn't place much value on them himself, or perhaps he is not sure what you'd like, or he could be very cheap (yet truly devoted and loving)!! Nor is the giving of gifts necessarily equal to "buying love". So please tell him. No excuses, no blame. Just give him the information about you that you think he needs. SoleMate, I think you hit the jackpot. He doesn't place much values on gifts, but I do tell him when I think it's the appropriate time for gift giving. It's partly my fault too because I always give the biggest hints but he doesn't ever see them and I haven't actually come out in the open with it. I once asked him about how he would feel about a girl if she asked him to buy her gifts for special occasions, and his response was that he wouldn't give her anything especially if he knew that she could get it for herself. It's not about money at all. It IS the thought that counts, which I've told him, several times. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iceprincess Posted October 5, 2004 Author Share Posted October 5, 2004 Originally posted by Papillon Damn... not even a card? Maybe he's the type to think spending money on materialist things is a waste. You have to find out why he's not sending you gifts. I mean, it's not like you asking for marriage or something. Letting someone know they are in your thoughts is important, even if it's just a text message. That's one of his biggest thing, Papillon. He said that he dislikes materialistic people...and he hates writing! Especially cards! He used to ask me to write him letters and I did, until I realized that I would never get one in reply. When I approached him about writing me a letter, he said that hates writing letters when he can talk to me. I agreed with him, but in the letters that I sent him, there were pictures and I took the time to write him a nice letter. I stopped sending him letters after that and I don't send him pictures anymore because he didn't want to send me any. I feel that I'm giving more to this relationship than he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iceprincess Posted October 5, 2004 Author Share Posted October 5, 2004 Originally posted by Adunaphel How does your bf react when you give him a gift? Is he surprised, embarassed, happy to receive it? That's a great question. He usually doesn't bring it up until I ask him if he received his gift and then he's like, "oh, thanks, hon". That's it. He doesn't tell me if he likes it and he acts shy about it, probably because he knew that he should've gotten me something too, but he doesn't say anything! Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted October 5, 2004 Share Posted October 5, 2004 Originally posted by iceprincess That's one of his biggest thing, Papillon. He said that he dislikes materialistic people...and he hates writing! Especially cards! He used to ask me to write him letters and I did, until I realized that I would never get one in reply. When I approached him about writing me a letter, he said that hates writing letters when he can talk to me. I agreed with him, but in the letters that I sent him, there were pictures and I took the time to write him a nice letter. I stopped sending him letters after that and I don't send him pictures anymore because he didn't want to send me any. I feel that I'm giving more to this relationship than he is. Sounds like an emotionaly one-sided relationship to me. If you love someone, they inspire you with passion, and that passion generates at least ONE "I love you", with a picture of a flower, a week. At least. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted October 5, 2004 Share Posted October 5, 2004 The fact that he asked you to send letters to him but would not dream of writing one to you struck me as weird.... We have a long-distance relationship so it's not like he can take me out, but it would be nice to get something special (email, mail, text message) to remind me of how much he loves me. He doesn't even send you emails or text messages? You said it is a long distance relationship-are you the one who does all the travelling? And he *can* take you out when you see each other. Does he ever spend money on you? Does he call you often, or do you usually make all the phone calls? I agree with Papillon-the relationship sounds one-sided. This guy scounds really cheap- and it's not money I'm talking about. He sounds *emotionally* cheap. I hope he actually is not and that I'm wrong in my judgement. Talk to him straight about this problem-if he didn't get your hints so far he never will. I once asked him about how he would feel about a girl if she asked him to buy her gifts for special occasions, and his response was that he wouldn't give her anything especially if he knew that she could get it for herself. Well, it actually sound like he *got* your hints but also hinted back not to expect gifts from him. Anyway follow solemate's advice....discuss the problem *openly*! You don't sound too demanding at all, and I think that the great majority of girls would feel the same in your situation. If he will tell you straightly that he really is not the kind of person who likes to give gifts, send messages, etc. but every other aspect of the relationship is good, as you said in your first post, you'll have to find out whether you can feel loved and be happy in your relationship even without receiving gifts and other displays of affection. If you decide you can't, absolutely do NOT feel bad about it. Hey, if he will by no reasong start sending you gifts/letters/emails, at least there is one positive note: you will be saving a lot of money!!! If he won't give you anything for your birthday, there is no reason why you should buy him something for his -he seems not to appreciate your gifts that much, anyway. So you save money or buy yourself something lovely with the money you would have otherwise saved for his birthday. At least you'll be treating someone who'll appreciate it -yourself! The best of luck to you with your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted October 5, 2004 Share Posted October 5, 2004 [font=courier new]I love you @-'-,---[/font] How hard can it be? Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted October 5, 2004 Share Posted October 5, 2004 A-freakin-men, Papillon. How hard is it? I don't recall getting flowers from you recently? Oops, thats my boyfriend. My bad. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted October 5, 2004 Share Posted October 5, 2004 It's not just lack of gifts - it appears to be lack of notes, letters, calls, etc. He may "hate writing" - but I am sure that if he truly cared, and he knew you wanted a letter, he could pick up a pen once in a while. I get the impression that you would be satisfied with just a cute little postcard every now and then. That takes only a minute. I've never done well with correspondence, but when my grandmother went into a nursing home, and I couldn't be with her because we lived so far apart, I made a promise to myself that I would write to her weekly, without fail. I did it every Friday night, after work, so I would have a routine. Some weeks, when I had time, it was a chatty letter (which takes 20 minutes, max). Other weeks, if I was so rushed and harried I couldn't concentrate, it was a postcard with just a few lines on it. That takes 2 minutes! I made that slight effort because I was always thinking of my grandmother and wanted to do something for her. She never replied, because she was losing her skills in that area, but my dad and aunt both told me how thrilled she was with the regular letters. I kept that up for a year and a half, until she was gone. She was important to me. I would suggest that this relationship is not a good one if you let your bf know your heart's desire for little gifts and other attentions, and he declines to fulfill them for you. Even if gifts mean ZERO to him, YOU mean something, and therefore, he should take the effort. Let's assume that he just doesn't know, so please tell him, in plain talk, what you are craving from him. His response will say a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iceprincess Posted October 5, 2004 Author Share Posted October 5, 2004 Originally posted by Papillon Sounds like an emotionaly one-sided relationship to me. If you love someone, they inspire you with passion, and that passion generates at least ONE "I love you", with a picture of a flower, a week. At least. I know... Link to post Share on other sites
Author iceprincess Posted October 5, 2004 Author Share Posted October 5, 2004 Originally posted by SoleMate Even if gifts mean ZERO to him, YOU mean something, and therefore, he should take the effort. Let's assume that he just doesn't know, so please tell him, in plain talk, what you are craving from him. His response will say a lot. I'm going to have a talk with him and see how he feels about it. If he feels that I'm just another gold-digger girl then I'm going to ask him to take some serious time to think about our relationship. It's wonderful that your grandmother was so remembered, up until the day she passed away. I guess the reason why I haven't brought it up is because I don't want something as little (obviously it's a bigger problem now) as this to break us up. Thanks for your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iceprincess Posted October 5, 2004 Author Share Posted October 5, 2004 Originally posted by Adunaphel If you decide you can't, absolutely do NOT feel bad about it. Hey, if he will by no reasong start sending you gifts/letters/emails, at least there is one positive note: you will be saving a lot of money!!! If he won't give you anything for your birthday, there is no reason why you should buy him something for his -he seems not to appreciate your gifts that much, anyway. So you save money or buy yourself something lovely with the money you would have otherwise saved for his birthday. At least you'll be treating someone who'll appreciate it -yourself! The best of luck to you with your relationship. Hey, thank you! *hug* Link to post Share on other sites
Nocturnalkitee Posted October 6, 2004 Share Posted October 6, 2004 Iceprincess Some people are givers and some are receivers. There can be a lot of different reasons for his actions. I will give him the benefit of the doubt!! Maybe when he was growing up his family did not express love with gift giving. When you two are actually together how does he express his love for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted October 6, 2004 Share Posted October 6, 2004 No one can just keep on sucking 'n squeezing you dry, emotionally, without giving in return. Giving emotionally to someone you love is the most wonderful burdern to carry, ever. When someone is that emotionally distant, it's a big red flag for me, frankly. It's a sure sign of total self-involvement and emotional immaturity. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted October 6, 2004 Share Posted October 6, 2004 I never got my ex gifts for Valentines or Christmas or her birthdays. I would give her some very heartfelt, sweet cards and take her to dinner or cook her something lavish but I've never been into the gift thing, and she never really minded. But then again, we DID break up. Ah well. I did get her a really nice necklace out of the blue one time, though. That's how I like to do it. Give when it's least expected. Better that way, more surprising. Link to post Share on other sites
tokyo Posted October 6, 2004 Share Posted October 6, 2004 To me it matters and if I don´t get anything I´d get suspicious. My ex wasn´t into writing much either, he was far away, he didn´t think of making gifts, neither invitations or anything. These are things that make me nervous, because I would have like to give the world to him. In my opinion, if a man is not generous, he´s holding his feelings back, he doesn´t want to give himself to you. There´s something wrong about it. My Dad also never buys any presents, he says he doesn´t like to be pressurized to get something because it´s a must. Fact is, he never buys anything, but complains when he doesn´t receive any gifts. He´s a taker, my Mom is the giver. Their marriage sucks. I´d run away from a man who´s so miserly with gifts. I don´t think it has anything to do with despising materialism, it´s a convenient excuse. I´d be careful. PS. I´m not that experienced either, it´s just what I feel when I´m in love. Not giving anything is so contradictory to this highly emotional state. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted October 6, 2004 Share Posted October 6, 2004 Exactly, kooky! It's not the gift itself, but the thought behind it. Ironically, that's exactly the excuse the selfish person uses to justify it. But IMO they are unable to give the gift because they cannot muster the driving thought behind the gift. Link to post Share on other sites
tokyo Posted October 6, 2004 Share Posted October 6, 2004 It´s some kind of mental laziness. It´s not that they are stupid, but they just don´t want to. I saw my ex fuss about a present for his boss, so it´s not that they are not able to use their imagination and put their thoughts in it. If he doesn´t like materialism he can still do a lot for you without spending money on expensive gifts. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts