Author iceprincess Posted October 6, 2004 Author Share Posted October 6, 2004 Originally posted by Nocturnalkitee Maybe when he was growing up his family did not express love with gift giving. When you two are actually together how does he express his love for you? When we are together, we go out to dinner, but we always take turn paying, which is fine with me. He tells me how much he loves and that I'm the girl he wants to spend the rest of his life with. But...I just don't feel that that's enough because when he goes back home to TX, there are no letters, no pictures, nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iceprincess Posted October 6, 2004 Author Share Posted October 6, 2004 Originally posted by UCFKevin I never got my ex gifts for Valentines or Christmas or her birthdays. I would give her some very heartfelt, sweet cards and take her to dinner or cook her something lavish but I've never been into the gift thing, and she never really minded. But you, at least, took the time to find her a sweet card and you COOKED her dinners sometimes! There's been plenty of time where I've asked him about why he won't send me a card and he said he's just not into those things. Well, I'm ready to call it off right now anyway, because I'm so tired of letting him know about my feelings and he just blows it off like I'm so needy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iceprincess Posted October 6, 2004 Author Share Posted October 6, 2004 Originally posted by Papillon It's not the gift itself, but the thought behind it. Ironically, that's exactly the excuse the selfish person uses to justify it. I know, it's the thought that counts. But he obviously doesn't care about what I think. I know I've given him every single little excuse possible, but I've been in denial too long. If I can change somewhat for a person that I love, but he won't do the same, then we're not going to have a "good" relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iceprincess Posted October 6, 2004 Author Share Posted October 6, 2004 Originally posted by kooky .....because I would have like to give the world to him. ...... Fact is, he never buys anything, but complains when he doesn´t receive any gifts.... He´s a taker, my Mom is the giver. Their marriage sucks. I´d run away from a man who´s so miserly with gifts. I don´t think it has anything to do with despising materialism, it´s a convenient excuse. I´d be careful. PS. I´m not that experienced either, it´s just what I feel when I´m in love. Not giving anything is so contradictory to this highly emotional state. I think the world about my BF, but now, I'm ready to be on my own. Thank U. Link to post Share on other sites
tokyo Posted October 6, 2004 Share Posted October 6, 2004 iceprincess, I´ve thought long and hard about my ex and I still feel a lot for him, but I just don´t think that I could be with someone who doesn´t care that much for me. You´re so hungry for any sign of affection and nothing comes back, it´s because they don´t want to. I´ve seen him invest so much time in other people, just not in me. He could be incredibly nice, but only if it didn´t cost him effort or time or money. It just made me sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iceprincess Posted October 6, 2004 Author Share Posted October 6, 2004 Originally posted by kooky iceprincess, I´ve thought long and hard about my ex and I still feel a lot for him, but I just don´t think that I could be with someone who doesn´t care that much for me. You´re so hungry for any sign of affection and nothing comes back, it´s because they don´t want to. I´ve seen him invest so much time in other people, just not in me. He could be incredibly nice, but only if it didn´t cost him effort or time or money. It just made me sad. Kooky, I AM hungry for any sign of affection and yes, nothing comes back. We've both talked about other issues that we have and he makes it seem like I'm making too big of a deal out of nothing. I'm trying to sort out my thoughts because I've invested so much in this relationship and I don't want to feel like my efforts have gone to waste. I know that it takes two to make a relationship work and I feel like I'm alone in all this. I just hope that I have the courage to tell him how I feel when it all comes down to it. I'm so afraid of losing him, but I don't ever want to lose MY self-identity to someone who doesn't care. Link to post Share on other sites
Nocturnalkitee Posted October 7, 2004 Share Posted October 7, 2004 Iceprincess I was just wondering have you had the opportunity to visit your bf since he has been in Texas? Link to post Share on other sites
Author iceprincess Posted October 7, 2004 Author Share Posted October 7, 2004 Nocturnalkitee - actually no, the plan is for me to go visit him after fall semester so that I can meet his parents. He was up here, MT, in July and he met my parents so now it's my turn. Link to post Share on other sites
mymojo Posted October 7, 2004 Share Posted October 7, 2004 What exactly is it that you "love" about a person who can't extend himself in the slightest to meet your needs even after you've been very direct with him? You need to think about what it is within yourself that you're trying to work out here.Many ywoman who had either a poor relationship/no relationship with their own fathers will spend their lifetimes pursuing emotionally closed men thinking that if they try hard enough,give enough that these guys will change and love them in the manner that they deserve to be loved. Let me tell you that it doesn't work that way. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted October 7, 2004 Share Posted October 7, 2004 Iceprincess, you're so attractive and intelligent and caring. (I can tell.) There are so many men out there who would love to shower you with the attention you crave. I'm not saying you're high maintenance by any means - but you do want an acknowledgment every now and then. It's not about money - I am sure that your bf could send you photos, email you jokes, text you to say he is thinking of you, and every now and then surprise you with a small gift, and you would be THRILLED! Am I right? Plenty of fish in the sea. Don't settle. Link to post Share on other sites
Haunani Posted October 7, 2004 Share Posted October 7, 2004 Hi Iceprincess....sounds like my dilema 20 something years ago. My husband (then bf), would never buy me gifts, when Christmas came, I'd always dread it because I know the feeling, he'd always say *lets not exchange this year, we already have everything*, so to appease him I wouldnt' but inside, I was seething. And every year after that same thing - even once, he didn't even remember my birthday, and I came home and cooked dinner, and was totally pissed. THEN he remembered. For me growing up gift giving was part of my life, I gave freely, to my friends, to my family and it was a joy to see their faces light up at knowing I spent time looking for the right gift, I thought *everyone* felt that way, and shopped that way. That was how my life was, wasn't everyones? Then one year during Christmas morning - (by now I've tried to convince myself that gifts were materialistic, it didn't matter) and I put on my happy face so the kids wouldn't see how disappointed I was, after all, gift giving isn't the reason for the season, still.........another year of not exchanging gifts, and I couldn't help myself and I began to cry and i exploded. He grew up very opposite from me, he never had money for gift giving, it wasn't a luxury, so he didn't care about it. Christmas was dreaded waiting for the salvation army truck to bring a toy to the family, and their holiday meal, it was nothing to be excited about with him. I didn't know this, and gently I explained to him how important gift giving was to me, it showed how much he cared, then I said, yes I knew it was materialistic, but it was on special days, special occassions and therefore I was special too. The first year he bought me a set of tires for my truck.........and I was upset but had to explain I wanted something for me.........the next year he bought me pots and pans.........okay, he's getting closer, I told him I don't want anything that I can buy myself like that, to buy something for ME, he said he got it, the following year, he bought me a treadmill (I was taken back because I was really heavy, so it insinuated he thought I was FAT too).....I started to cry again, he didn't get it. He thought he was doing so well. I explained, for ME, like, clothing, perfume, candles, girly things, notebooks, books, cookbooks, makeup, and I gave him a WISH list. His next year he was going to get it right, he went to Macy's asked the lady to help him, she said *What size is she*, he looked around at some *person*, and said *oh about that size*.....so he came home with a negligee that were like size 4 and I was size 18.........hellooo........ and some wonderful perfume and bath stuff I looved. Well, it took many years of training, but by george, he's finally got it. And every year thereafter I receive some kind of perfume or pajamas and a gift certificate (to be safe)............. LOL. and everyday I receive a note on my mirror, or a faxed love note expressing his love. And I save these daily.......... It can happen, but how much patience do you have? It's worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted October 7, 2004 Share Posted October 7, 2004 Haunani lol your post made me giggle lol He finally got it though lol!!! Iceprincess..I know its hard and the distance sucks but like they say in spanish "El que no llora no mama." Meaning he that doesn't cry doesnt not get fed.. I know you don't want to sound materialistic but you have to let him now how you feel. My bf is very shy about his feelings and opening up and so it took a while..but I would see how my friend would get text messages and emails and all that and I was so sad he didnt do it... So I would tell him about how my co-worker was so happy because her husband sent her an e-card and though it was small it made her day and little hints like that..He finally got it and I got an "I LOVE YOU You ARE MY WORLD" Text..I almost died..lol Then I made sure to tell him how much I appreciated it and how happy it made me and how he was the best bf in the world lol He understand that the distance is really hard on me now and so he sends me little things and actually wrote me a poem..just so that it can make my day a little easier without him. You have to say something..but I don't think it's something to throw your relationship away over... But when he is with you how does he treat you..when he is with you does he take you out or pay for things? Do you guys talk a lot over the phone? He needs to understand that as a woman you dont have the everyday affection that other couples do and that you are a woman and yes you need those little things... If and only after you have said something to him Directly about it...he doesn't change...then move on girl it's not worth it...When a man genuinely loves y ou and cares for you he will rack his brain thinking of ideas on how to show you...If he doesn't change then quit wasting your time and find someone that can give you the affection you need...But he isn't a mind reader you know you have to speak up.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author iceprincess Posted October 8, 2004 Author Share Posted October 8, 2004 Originally posted by SoleMate ...text you to say he is thinking of you, and every now and then surprise you with a small gift, and you would be THRILLED! Am I right? You are absolutely correct SoleMate! He did try sending emails for a month when I told him how much it means to me whenever I got an email in response after emailing him. But he stopped and he said that he just ran out of things to write to me. He's never been one for gift-giving though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iceprincess Posted October 8, 2004 Author Share Posted October 8, 2004 Originally posted by Haunani Well, it took many years of training, but by george, he's finally got it. And every year thereafter I receive some kind of perfume or pajamas and a gift certificate (to be safe)............. LOL. and everyday I receive a note on my mirror, or a faxed love note expressing his love. And I save these daily.......... It can happen, but how much patience do you have? It's worth it. WOW, you have a lot of patience and I really respect the fact that you didn't let it break up your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author iceprincess Posted October 8, 2004 Author Share Posted October 8, 2004 Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd You have to say something..but I don't think it's something to throw your relationship away over... But when he is with you how does he treat you..when he is with you does he take you out or pay for things? Do you guys talk a lot over the phone? He needs to understand that as a woman you dont have the everyday affection that other couples do and that you are a woman and yes you need those little things... If and only after you have said something to him Directly about it...he doesn't change...then move on girl it's not worth it...When a man genuinely loves y ou and cares for you he will rack his brain thinking of ideas on how to show you...If he doesn't change then quit wasting your time and find someone that can give you the affection you need...But he isn't a mind reader you know you have to speak up.... Hi there, EtErNaLIYCoNfUsEd, thanks for your comments. I really appreciate you responding to my thread because I've run out of solutions myself. Ever since I posted this thread, I've been thinking more and more about my long-distance relationship. I've always wanted to be with someone who cares and feels for me the way I care and feel for him. There many things in our relationship that don't exactly flow together. When I'm with him (we had a huge fight over this issue) he's very affectionate when we're alone, but when we go out to dinner or out in public...I feel alone. He doesn't hold my hand or make me feel like we're a couple. I talked to him about it and he said that he doesn't like PDF (public display of affection). I was flabbergasted, I wasn't asking for a make-out session, I was just inquiring why he doesn't hold my hand when we're out. I've always been the first one to initiate the hand-holding and then he lets go 3-mins later. Then we have another deal about strip clubs. As you can see, I've been thinking a lot...and I dont' want to be with someone who can receive all that I have to offer and give, but won't make an effort to do the same for me. He IS a shy person, but I feel that if he loves me, then he'd have the courage to take my hand and make me feel like we are together in this relationship. He is a very, very STUBBORN person and when he feels like he's caught in promise that he didn't keep, he'll stay on the defense even when he knows that he's wrong. I love him a lot and I want him to be a part of my future. That can't happen if I'm the only one willing to change to (i've changed a lot since I met him, for the better), he needs to change for me too. Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted October 8, 2004 Share Posted October 8, 2004 Ice I definitely agree...u deserve someone who doesn't act embarrassed by the fact of holding your hand. When man loves you and wants to be with you he shows you and will hold your hand, and will sneak a kiss across the table at dinner, and will walk with his arm around you... I don't know what his deal is but you need affectin and love and all that love that you are giving you need to recieve as well. My bf and I have our issues but lack of affection or him not showing or trying was never one of them... I see you have been thinking long and hard and you are a very pretty girl and intelligent at that. Your still young and can go out there and snag a guy that will put you up on a peddle stool (lmao I know I spelled that wrong inside joke) But anyways..I'm glad you are re-evaluating your relationship..I think you need a long conversation with him face to face and tell hin These things need to change or Im leaving for good..and be firm and stick to your word...If he doesnt comply then life is too short... He may be stubborn but he is human..once he sees your leaving and are walking out that door either he'll change or he wont and then you'll know. Link to post Share on other sites
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