My BF is texting a girl he has never told me about and saved her under a guy's name

[miss_uncertain]

Please let me know your thoughts! Just would like to see what people think. Sorry if this is long, but I just had to get everything out.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for approx 4 years, next year will be year 5.

I love him a lot, we generally have a lot of fun together, sex life is good, in regular contact. He always picks me up and drops me off from work and wherever I need to go and we are frequently together. We are both 23.

 

I'm just a bit concerned.

 

A while back (maybe a month or two ago) I broke my phone. Since my bf had recently got a new one, I asked if I could use his old one and he said okay. His old phone still had messages on it. At that time, there were no trust issues between the two of us, so I looked through the messages since I did not think it would be a big deal. I saw messages from somebody named "Alex". There were texts like "come out tonight, you'll finally have your chance lol" and "come out to Ash's party".

 

You have to understand that my bf normally tells me what he does during the day, who he is with etc. I had never heard of this Alex person before, nor had the person popped up randomly in conversation. Also, my bf had deleted his replies to Alex (he had not done this for any of the other messages).

 

My bf is quite good looking. He works at a gym and is also fit. Initially, I thought Alex was a friend of my bf's who was a bad influence on him, trying to get him to come out. I never asked my bf about it because I didn't want to make a big deal out of nothing.

 

I never saw or heard of Alex again until today. Today he picked me up and I was using his phone as a GPS and then he got a text. He asked who it was and I told him it was from Alex. I asked him who Alex was and he said no one. He changed the subject and we talked for a while, then a bit later I asked again and he said no one again and that he doesn't have to tell me. I just sat there for a bit, he was getting frustrated with me for closing up, and then he told me it was a girl from the gym, and he that he saved her under a guy's name on his phone because he knew I would get like this. He implied that I would go psycho if I found out it was a girl.

 

I'm not annoyed that he's texting a girl, I'm just annoyed that he's been texting a girl this whole time he's never told me about. And that when I ask why can't he tell me who she is, that his reply is "I don't have to tell you anything.". Which he doesn't, I'm not his mother, but I wish that he would respect me enough to understand my perspective.

 

Also, I feel like I'm paranoid, because I know that this Alex girl does not work at the gym. He frequently tells me about his colleagues at the gym and mentions other female workers' names without hesitation. In my mind, this can only mean that she is someone who uses the gym. In my mind again, she gave him her number and he took it. OTHERWISE, he asked her for her number... how else could they have got each others numbers?! Now this annoys me too, why is he exchanging numbers with people when he is supposedly meant to be in a committed relationship with me?

 

Am I worrying over nothing? Or could there be something my gut is telling me? Let me just say that apart from this texting, everything else is pretty fine. We don't really fight, he hasn't suddenly become overly distanced or overly close, things are pretty normal. I don't want to make a big deal out of this if it is nothing, but if it is something to worry about, I don't know what I would do. And I don't want him think of me as a psycho.

 

Please let me know what you think, and feel free to ask for more info. I really love my boyfriend and I want to stay with him, but I also respect myself.

[Chief Wiggum]

I'm sorry, Miss, but going by what you've written, it's very likely that this Alex person is more than just a colleague/person at the gym. He wouldn't keep her as a secret and get defensive, if she wasn't someone who he either fancies or is fooling around with.

 

A couple of things:

 

- how often is he in your sights?

- are you normally introduced to his friends (both female and male)?

- can you tell us more about those texts you read on his old phone? As in what exactly Alex was saying (from what you can remember).

[BruinFan95]

Saving a girls # under a man's name is a classic. I've had friends who did that and sorry they weren't faithful. What he's doing is deflecting it and trying to make you out to be the bad guy. Sure there is a possibility that he honestly didn't want you to get worried over nothing but if you truly have nothing to hide then why go to a certain length to hide it. A woman knowing a man is taken wouldn't ask him to come out, that's just common sense. If it was a group of people I would be more understanding.

 

Has he ever cheated on anyone? Is this the first time you found something like this?

[miss_uncertain]

I'm sorry, Miss, but going by what you've written, it's very likely that this Alex person is more than just a colleague/person at the gym. He wouldn't keep her as a secret and get defensive, if she wasn't someone who he either fancies or is fooling around with.

 

A couple of things:

 

- how often is he in your sights?

- are you normally introduced to his friends (both female and male)?

- can you tell us more about those texts you read on his old phone? As in what exactly Alex was saying (from what you can remember).

Hi Chief Wiggum. I see him everyday and at different times of the day. I don't have a car, so he drives me around a lot. We don't live together, but I see him almost everyday and he waits for me at work until I finish (10pm). He also always brings me dinner and food when I work the late shift at work.

 

I know his family and we visit them a lot. I have met his friends too, he does not have a lot of them but I have met the close ones and they know who I am. He does not have many female friends that I know of, only work colleagues and females that he works on for University projects and I have met them.

 

I can't remember exactly what was in the texts, all I remember is that I felt that it was a guy tempting him to come out. I just ignored them because I didn't want to come across as snoopy to him.

[miss_uncertain]

Saving a girls # under a man's name is a classic. I've had friends who did that and sorry they weren't faithful. What he's doing is deflecting it and trying to make you out to be the bad guy. Sure there is a possibility that he honestly didn't want you to get worried over nothing but if you truly have nothing to hide then why go to a certain length to hide it. A woman knowing a man is taken wouldn't ask him to come out, that's just common sense. If it was a group of people I would be more understanding.

 

Has he ever cheated on anyone? Is this the first time you found something like this?

 

Yeah that's actually what hurts me and makes me the most angry is that he is lying to me. Honestly, I would not have cared if he was texting a girl, but the fact that he hid it really really hurts. I don't know why he doesn't understand how it hurts.

 

No I don't think he's ever cheated on anyone. I think I am his first long term girlfriend. He hasn't cheated on me, not that I know of at least. I'm not actually sure what to do, I know if I withdraw, he's gonna say that I'm overreacting and will not want to tell me anything. Again, I don't want to force him to tell me anything, and he doesn't need my permission to go out. He can do whatever he wants, and my hope would be that he tells me the truth. Normally he does, he says when he's going out, he says when he is going home, he says when he is at home etc.

[sillyanswer]

He didn't even do a very good job of picking a man's name. I know girls called "Alex".

[miss_uncertain]

He didn't even do a very good job of picking a man's name. I know girls called "Alex".

 

Hey there, sorry the person's name is not actually Alex, I changed the name.

[miss_uncertain]

But I feel really hurt for some reason. He just continues on like it's no big deal, and this makes me feel like I'm overreacting? I have no idea

[BruinFan95]

Ok well give him the benefit of the doubt. But you being his first long term gf, he might not be used to being tied down. It could just be a flirt that he enjoys but no intention of cheating. Just be aware of it and keep your guard up but just act natural. I can relate a bit to that but I usually just ended things when I felt tempted to talk to other women.

[Chief Wiggum]

Hi Chief Wiggum. I see him everyday and at different times of the day. I don't have a car, so he drives me around a lot. We don't live together, but I see him almost everyday and he waits for me at work until I finish (10pm). He also always brings me dinner and food when I work the late shift at work.

 

I know his family and we visit them a lot. I have met his friends too, he does not have a lot of them but I have met the close ones and they know who I am. He does not have many female friends that I know of, only work colleagues and females that he works on for University projects and I have met them.

 

I can't remember exactly what was in the texts, all I remember is that I felt that it was a guy tempting him to come out. I just ignored them because I didn't want to come across as snoopy to him.

 

If he's ok with you knowing about other girls but not this one, then there's something about her that separates her from being "just a friend". He's either got history with her or, as I've mentioned, he's into her.

 

You're in a difficult position because if you enquire more about this, you're gonna' risk aggravating your relationship. But really, this is not something you can overlook. You have good reasons to not only be concerned, but to question him. If you don't tackle this issue directly with him, you're gonna' live your remaining days constantly worrying he may be cheating with you. Confront him. Honestly, if I was in his shoes, I'd be expecting you to (whether I'm guilty or not). Because he knows what he's done there is contentious. Don't let him off the hook. Get some answers.

[miss_uncertain]

If he's ok with you knowing about other girls but not this one, then there's something about her that separates her from being "just a friend". He's either got history with her or, as I've mentioned, he's into her.

 

You're in a difficult position because if you enquire more about this, you're gonna' risk aggravating your relationship. But really, this is not something you can overlook. You have good reasons to not only be concerned, but to question him. If you don't tackle this issue directly with him, you're gonna' live your remaining days constantly worrying he may be cheating with you. Confront him. Honestly, if I was in his shoes, I'd be expecting you to (whether I'm guilty or not). Because he knows what he's done there is contentious. Don't let him off the hook. Get some answers.

 

Thank you heaps for this! I think I am normally more inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt, but you're right. What's if I had done the same thing and was secretly texting some guy I never mentioned, ever? Because that's what this is, a secret. I know that this confrontation probably won't be pretty, but it is necessary.

[jolie_baby]

I'm not annoyed that he's texting a girl, I'm just annoyed that he's been texting a girl this whole time he's never told me about. And that when I ask why can't he tell me who she is, that his reply is "I don't have to tell you anything."

 

In my mind again, she gave him her number and he took it. OTHERWISE, he asked her for her number... how else could they have got each others numbers?! Now this annoys me too, why is he exchanging numbers with people when he is supposedly meant to be in a committed relationship with me?

 

He said he didn't have to tell you anything but he actually did tell you...

 

You also say you are not annoyed that he is textin' a girl but please read the second paragraph of the quote... it does annoy you that he may have exchanged phone numbers with a girl...

[jolie_baby]

Ok well give him the benefit of the doubt. But you being his first long term gf, he might not be used to being tied down. It could just be a flirt that he enjoys but no intention of cheating. Just be aware of it and keep your guard up but just act natural. I can relate a bit to that but I usually just ended things when I felt tempted to talk to other women.

 

This.

 

Do not overreact if things are normal and he hasn't changed.. it may just be a flirt... sometimes you actually save your relationship if you let your SO have some space... and in the end, if he wants to leave, nothing could stop him from doing so... Good luck

[Treasa]

I partially agree with the others. Let him have space. Let him have A LOT of space.

 

The fact that he was so secretive and then got so defensive about this, and then told you something that may or may not be the truth speaks volumes to me.

 

I, personally, would be out of there. Then again, I don't put up with even a teensy bit of this crap.

 

Give him a lot of space. Stop talking to him for a while until you figure out how you feel. Get your rides elsewhere.

[Cutiepie1976]

But I feel really hurt for some reason. He just continues on like it's no big deal, and this makes me feel like I'm overreacting? I have no idea

 

What is his incentive to make this a big deal? None. Cheaters often minimize and try to sweep things under a rug when caught. He's hoping that it will blow over, you'll go back to being complacent, and he can carry on with "Alex."

 

If he were just texting some woman you didn't know, I would say no big deal, but follow your intuition. That he deliberately misfiled her as a guy? Has not mentioned her once despite years of messages? Got defensive and wasn't forthcoming when you asked who "Alex" was? He mentions other women, but is actively hiding his involvement with this particular woman. That strongly suggests cheating, not just innocent friendship or "harmless" flirting.

 

What changes if you discover he's cheating? Would you do something differently? If yes, pursue this.

[miss_uncertain]

He said he didn't have to tell you anything but he actually did tell you...

 

You also say you are not annoyed that he is textin' a girl but please read the second paragraph of the quote... it does annoy you that he may have exchanged phone numbers with a girl...

 

 

Yes, he told me, but I asked him twice earlier and he said nothing, and then the only time he told me was when I closed up and didn't talk.

 

Hmm I guess you're right re the second observation. I do want him to be able to text other girls if he wants, I just don't want him to hide stuff from me and to be open and honest.

[miss_uncertain]

What is his incentive to make this a big deal? None. Cheaters often minimize and try to sweep things under a rug when caught. He's hoping that it will blow over, you'll go back to being complacent, and he can carry on with "Alex."

 

If he were just texting some woman you didn't know, I would say no big deal, but follow your intuition. That he deliberately misfiled her as a guy? Has not mentioned her once despite years of messages? Got defensive and wasn't forthcoming when you asked who "Alex" was? He mentions other women, but is actively hiding his involvement with this particular woman. That strongly suggests cheating, not just innocent friendship or "harmless" flirting.

 

What changes if you discover he's cheating? Would you do something differently? If yes, pursue this.

 

I'm not sure where you got years of messaging from, I only saw the first text a couple of months ago. But yes, I guess I should ask him about it. I'm really sad that this even has to happen

[Treasa]

Also, stop with trying to be the "cool" girlfriend. I went from one extreme (being seriously clingy and always trying to know everything and getting jealous) to the other (trying desperately to be cool and telling myself that all my gut feelings were just insecurities, when in fact, they weren't).

 

I now go with my gut, and I set my boundaries and I make sure that they are clear to the other person.

 

Guys don't even try to pull bull**** on me anymore. They know better. They know I'm strong and I can walk. And they tend to be amazing now.

[kassy]

I have no experience with anything like this so my advice may be total rubbish.

 

I would struggle with the dishonesty aspect. I also wouldn't want to not be able to trust my boyfriend. I don't know how you deal with that.

 

I probably would ask to meet her. If you guys grab a drink with friends and she comes too. Not an interigation or anything but just if there is nothing going on then if you meet her and you can see there interaction and realize it is nothing to worry about then maybe you can put your mind at ease. He may not like this idea, since for some reason cheating or otherwise he didn't want you to know about her... Again... This may be a really stupid idea but just throwing it out there.

 

How are you going to deal with the trust issue? Can you just put it aside and move on, people do (I am just not that big a person:)

[Terracotta]

Please don't overlook this and try and continue on normally. One of my friends has been through your EXACT situation where her bf of 5 years had been cheating on her and we were all shocked, because he seemed like such a devoted and loving bf. His response to your questioning is the classic cheater response. Don't let him off the hook. He's in the wrong either way for lying to you about this, so as much as he may try and guilt you into not questioning him, don't give in and let this go.

 

 

A while back (maybe a month or two ago) I broke my phone. Since my bf had recently got a new one, I asked if I could use his old one and he said okay. His old phone still had messages on it. At that time, there were no trust issues between the two of us, so I looked through the messages since I did not think it would be a big deal. I saw messages from somebody named "Alex". There were texts like "come out tonight, you'll finally have your chance lol" and "come out to Ash's party".

 

You have to understand that my bf normally tells me what he does during the day, who he is with etc. I had never heard of this Alex person before, nor had the person popped up randomly in conversation. Also, my bf had deleted his replies to Alex (he had not done this for any of the other messages).

 

My bf is quite good looking. He works at a gym and is also fit. Initially, I thought Alex was a friend of my bf's who was a bad influence on him, trying to get him to come out. I never asked my bf about it because I didn't want to make a big deal out of nothing.

 

I never saw or heard of Alex again until today. Today he picked me up and I was using his phone as a GPS and then he got a text. He asked who it was and I told him it was from Alex. I asked him who Alex was and he said no one. He changed the subject and we talked for a while, then a bit later I asked again and he said no one again and that he doesn't have to tell me. I just sat there for a bit, he was getting frustrated with me for closing up, and then he told me it was a girl from the gym, and he that he saved her under a guy's name on his phone because he knew I would get like this. He implied that I would go psycho if I found out it was a girl.

 

I'm not annoyed that he's texting a girl, I'm just annoyed that he's been texting a girl this whole time he's never told me about. And that when I ask why can't he tell me who she is, that his reply is "I don't have to tell you anything.". Which he doesn't, I'm not his mother, but I wish that he would respect me enough to understand my perspective.

 

Also, I feel like I'm paranoid, because I know that this Alex girl does not work at the gym. He frequently tells me about his colleagues at the gym and mentions other female workers' names without hesitation. In my mind, this can only mean that she is someone who uses the gym. In my mind again, she gave him her number and he took it. OTHERWISE, he asked her for her number... how else could they have got each others numbers?! Now this annoys me too, why is he exchanging numbers with people when he is supposedly meant to be in a committed relationship with me?

 

Am I worrying over nothing? Or could there be something my gut is telling me? Let me just say that apart from this texting, everything else is pretty fine. We don't really fight, he hasn't suddenly become overly distanced or overly close, things are pretty normal. I don't want to make a big deal out of this if it is nothing, but if it is something to worry about, I don't know what I would do. And I don't want him think of me as a psycho.

 

Please let me know what you think, and feel free to ask for more info. I really love my boyfriend and I want to stay with him, but I also respect myself.

 

Look at what you're saying. All the signs are there. Question him specifically about some of these texts and see his response- the "come out tonight, you'll finally have your chance" quote sounds particularly suspect to me. He's deleted his responses to the texts for a reason - he doesn't want them to be seen. If they were fine and appropriate and just friends why would he delete those texts? Because clearly they were not appropriate.

 

Look at his response to your questioning. He's defensive and doesn't want to talk about it. If there was nothing going on why wouldn't he try to explain the situation to you and make sure you're not questioning his fidelity? Because he knows he is close to being caught and doesn't want you to investigate further and figure out the lies and inconsistencies in his stories. You have caught him in a big lie. Follow your gut and don't back down. This sounds so fishy to me.

 

I'm so sorry about this, and good luck with everything.

[dreamingoftigers]

I partially agree with the others. Let him have space. Let him have A LOT of space.

 

The fact that he was so secretive and then got so defensive about this, and then told you something that may or may not be the truth speaks volumes to me.

 

I, personally, would be out of there. Then again, I don't put up with even a teensy bit of this crap.

 

Give him a lot of space. Stop talking to him for a while until you figure out how you feel. Get your rides elsewhere.

 

Personally, I would actually be DONE.

 

Unless he's willing to introduce you to "Alex" there's no reason to believe he's doing anything other than meeting this girl on the side. And clearly he doesn't want the two of you discussing anything.

 

If he was just "TEXTING a girl" he wouldn't have deleted his responses. He has probably deleted some of her texts too.

 

He jumped way too far on the defensive and is coming down on you about it. It's too obvious and I don't consider myself paranoid.

 

If he loved you back, he'd be trying to clear this up for your own mental clarity and he'd have some really clear, reasonable things to show for it.

 

You know what's going on here and he isn't being transparent at all. In fact, he's being an idiot.

 

The next thing you could/could have done is texted Alex yourself. Or called "her." But now he's probably done damage control by telling Alex he's being "stalked" or some crap. Or he's erased her contact info.

 

I find that people who "don't want to snoop" get the shaft pretty badly when it comes to cheating.

 

You can go into investigative mode. But honestly, you've tipped you hand a bit here so you are less likely to get an accurate picture. And really, his reaction told you everything you already needs to know.

[MidwestUSA]

Call me a really bad girl, but I would have texted "Alex" while I had that phone in my hand! (And pretended to be your BF, of course) I hope you find some peace.

Edited May 29, 2013 by MidwestUSA

[SoleMate]

You've been together since you were both high school age. And now he's getting antsy. I say, give him his freedom. It rarely works well when two very young people form a pseudo-marriage. You should both have a chance to get to know others and get any urge for "seeing what's out there" out of your system. At 23, you are too young to feel trapped in a faithless and dishonest r/s. And that's clearly what this is.

 

I say that even though we don't know for sure there's been physical cheating. What we do know is that your bf is very interested in Alex and lies to you about it. That's ALL you need to know, right there.

[will1988]

Honestly, your fears, paranoia and overall instincts on this issue may be true. Probe a little more about Alex. Obviouslly he is hiding something about her from you. Especially, if he is unwilling to disclose information. In all honesty he could be cheating on you with her. Your best bet is to confront him about it. You may want to ask around to some of his friends too. If he loves you and trusts you he would not be sneaking around and trying to hide anything related to "Alex". Also, "Alex" may actually be the girls name, short for "Alexandra". Who knows.

 

Good luck!

[fortyninethousand322]

My friend did this with his girlfriend (who is now his wife). Kept numbers of really really attractive women he had hooked up with but kept them in his contacts list under a guy's name. As far as I'm aware he never did anything with them once he was in a relationship (except one girl he drove her to the doctor's office once).

 

I don't know. It could be nothing, or it could be indicative of something. Who knows.