My BF is texting a girl he has never told me about and saved her under a guy's name

[dreamingoftigers]

You've been together since you were both high school age. And now he's getting antsy. I say, give him his freedom. It rarely works well when two very young people form a pseudo-marriage. You should both have a chance to get to know others and get any urge for "seeing what's out there" out of your system. At 23, you are too young to feel trapped in a faithless and dishonest r/s. And that's clearly what this is.

 

I say that even though we don't know for sure there's been physical cheating. What we do know is that your bf is very interested in Alex and lies to you about it. That's ALL you need to know, right there.

 

 

And that he's kind of an idiot.

 

Furthermore, he said "I didn't tell you cause you'd go "psycho." Or whatever.

 

So if this is true that he hides things because he fears your reaction, (It isn't true, but if it was......) then you see what kind of things this could easily complicate and ruin in the future if you stayed with him.

 

"Honey, this is why I didn't tell you about that $50000 credit card bill. I knew that you were going to freak out."

 

"Yes, it was a bachelor party and it got out of hand. Honey, it meant nothing, she was a stripper. I knew that you'd react this way. You always do that!"

 

"Oh so now I have to tell you every little move I make because you want to know who I am going out with. And what time I'm going to be home. You're so controlling!"

 

Ah yes, the man-child.....so much fun to date and live with.

[veggirl]

oh you posted 2x....I c/p my response into your other thread.

Edited May 29, 2013 by veggirl

[veggirl]

He's hiding it and blaming YOU for his indiscretion.

 

HUGE RED FLAG.

 

You guys are VERY young and have been together for a very long time--where is this going?

 

Look up GIGS on this forum, your bf is likely suffering from it.

 

Even if he isn't (he is though), he is lying to you about another girl. Why would he lie if there was nothing to hide?

 

and "I don't have to tell you anything" ? Wow. How disrespectful. That's a loaded statement full of contempt for you. Awful sign. Sorry

[ExpatInItaly]

Do NOT overlook this and continue on like nothing has happened. He's keeping her a secret and deleting his responses to her for a reason. If she were just another friend or colleague, he would not have done so. In my point of view, he's up to no good, or at least heading in that direction.

 

Ask about the other texts you saw. Ask him why he deleted his responses. Let him do the talking. There's a good chance, in my opinion, that he will dig himself into an even deeper hole. If he continues to insist she's just a friend, do as another poster advised and suggest you all meet for drinks or something casual. If he resists this or freaks out...kind of speaks for itself, no?

[Keke1]

Please let me know your thoughts! Just would like to see what people think. Sorry if this is long, but I just had to get everything out.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for approx 4 years, next year will be year 5.

I love him a lot, we generally have a lot of fun together, sex life is good, in regular contact. He always picks me up and drops me off from work and wherever I need to go and we are frequently together. We are both 23.

 

I'm just a bit concerned.

 

A while back (maybe a month or two ago) I broke my phone. Since my bf had recently got a new one, I asked if I could use his old one and he said okay. His old phone still had messages on it. At that time, there were no trust issues between the two of us, so I looked through the messages since I did not think it would be a big deal. I saw messages from somebody named "Alex". There were texts like "come out tonight, you'll finally have your chance lol" and "come out to Ash's party".

 

You have to understand that my bf normally tells me what he does during the day, who he is with etc. I had never heard of this Alex person before, nor had the person popped up randomly in conversation. Also, my bf had deleted his replies to Alex (he had not done this for any of the other messages).

 

My bf is quite good looking. He works at a gym and is also fit. Initially, I thought Alex was a friend of my bf's who was a bad influence on him, trying to get him to come out. I never asked my bf about it because I didn't want to make a big deal out of nothing.

 

I never saw or heard of Alex again until today. Today he picked me up and I was using his phone as a GPS and then he got a text. He asked who it was and I told him it was from Alex. I asked him who Alex was and he said no one. He changed the subject and we talked for a while, then a bit later I asked again and he said no one again and that he doesn't have to tell me. I just sat there for a bit, he was getting frustrated with me for closing up, and then he told me it was a girl from the gym, and he that he saved her under a guy's name on his phone because he knew I would get like this. He implied that I would go psycho if I found out it was a girl.

 

I'm not annoyed that he's texting a girl, I'm just annoyed that he's been texting a girl this whole time he's never told me about. And that when I ask why can't he tell me who she is, that his reply is "I don't have to tell you anything.". Which he doesn't, I'm not his mother, but I wish that he would respect me enough to understand my perspective.

 

Also, I feel like I'm paranoid, because I know that this Alex girl does not work at the gym. He frequently tells me about his colleagues at the gym and mentions other female workers' names without hesitation. In my mind, this can only mean that she is someone who uses the gym. In my mind again, she gave him her number and he took it. OTHERWISE, he asked her for her number... how else could they have got each others numbers?! Now this annoys me too, why is he exchanging numbers with people when he is supposedly meant to be in a committed relationship with me?

 

Am I worrying over nothing? Or could there be something my gut is telling me? Let me just say that apart from this texting, everything else is pretty fine. We don't really fight, he hasn't suddenly become overly distanced or overly close, things are pretty normal. I don't want to make a big deal out of this if it is nothing, but if it is something to worry about, I don't know what I would do. And I don't want him think of me as a psycho.

 

Please let me know what you think, and feel free to ask for more info. I really love my boyfriend and I want to stay with him, but I also respect myself.

 

What are the bounds of the relationship? Is it ok to converse with females/males freely with no restrictions?

[pteromom]

You are missing critical information, which of course, causes you to fill in the missing blanks with the worst possibilities.

 

You need to talk to him again.

 

Say "I realize I am probably being silly, and I realize this is my insecurity talking, but I really want to talk about Alex. Since I only know that you have been texting her and that you had her in your phone under a male name, I am filling in the blanks with some scenarios that are really scary to me. I know it is ridiculous, but can you humor me? I want to know who Alex is, where you met her, how often you talk to her, whether you think she's into you as more than a friend, and everything else about her. That way, my mind doesn't have to roam through all these crazy ideas."

 

If he gets very defensive or angry and refuses to talk about it even after approaching it like this, I would assume he is cheating or at the least has a crush on her.

 

If she truly is just a friend, he won't mind telling you about her.

[miss_uncertain]

You are missing critical information, which of course, causes you to fill in the missing blanks with the worst possibilities.

 

You need to talk to him again.

 

Say "I realize I am probably being silly, and I realize this is my insecurity talking, but I really want to talk about Alex. Since I only know that you have been texting her and that you had her in your phone under a male name, I am filling in the blanks with some scenarios that are really scary to me. I know it is ridiculous, but can you humor me? I want to know who Alex is, where you met her, how often you talk to her, whether you think she's into you as more than a friend, and everything else about her. That way, my mind doesn't have to roam through all these crazy ideas."

 

If he gets very defensive or angry and refuses to talk about it even after approaching it like this, I would assume he is cheating or at the least has a crush on her.

 

If she truly is just a friend, he won't mind telling you about her.

 

Thanks Pteromom! I think that is a mature way to go about it.