Will it work??? According to her, it's up to me...

[TTJJ]

Hello everyone…..

 

I posted once before, several months ago and we had just set up an exploratory separation (because she felt she needed some time and space to find herself), with her moving in with her mother and me staying in our home. We split time with the kids (2 boys, 6 and 1) because we work on different shifts. Sometime around mid June, while I was picking up the kids, she told me she was going to file for a D. I suggested that we try to work it out before it came to that, but she wouldn’t hear it. I mentioned counseling and she said that she knew it wouldn’t help and she didn’t even want to try. It really hit me hard, I was feeling hopeless, like our marriage of 7 years meant nothing, and I ended up wallowing in despair for a few days.

 

After that, I came to terms with the eventuality of it and started working on my happiness again. I lost some weight, became more active in playing with my children, and started getting used to being without her. I was feeling great, looking great, thinking I would continue to work on myself for the immediate future, and maybe eventually go out on some dates once she served me the papers. Around the end of July, we got together as a family and checked out some fireworks, and she told me that she wanted to end our separation and come home on a trial basis. I endured a flurry of emotions in an instant, and agreed that it was a great idea. This was going to work out after all!!! She said she would need some time to start feeling close to me again (before we separated she had said “I love you but I’m not in love with you”) and I should not expect sex right away. That I could deal with. It had been like 2 months already, what’s another little while? The most important thing was that she had decided she wanted to be with me.

 

So here it is, two months since she came back, and I feel good about her being here, but something is not right. I keep sensing that she is holding something back. She is always talking to her friend on her cell phone, and I feel that she should be doing more talking to me. She says that there are some things she can talk to her friend about that she can’t tell me. I told her she can talk to me about anything, we have been through a lot together. Just last weekend, my entire belief and trust system was crushed. She asked me to sit down next to her and she told me that while we were “separated” there was someone else.

 

Now, stupid me, I got her to tell me all the details of what happened and found out that she thought she was in love with this OM, even though he is also married. Does her being emotionally attached to this guy make it worse? I thought it did. She even said that she called in sick to work one night to go out with him. She told me that he is “dead” to her now, and will never speak to him again. That’s all well and good for her, but meanwhile, I have been on the thoroughly described emotional roller coaster this past week. I feel like **** about the whole mess. Then again, I cannot describe what I feel, because by the time I’m finished describing it I feel differently. I am in a place in my mind that I have never even known to exist. About all I can say is that you guys are absolutely right. There is no way to know how it feels until you go through it. Part of my mind wants to believe that she only was able to do it because we both thought that we were getting divorced, so that seems like a tiny shred of justification. Another believes that she wanted to get divorced because of the OM.

 

Most of my mind does not know what to believe anymore. I want to believe that we have something strong enough to get through this, while I can’t believe she could spread her legs for another man. And the other things they did which I would probably have done better not to know, but it was all about being honest that day, and if we remain in this relationship, I did not want to constantly wonder what else had gone on. So the whole damn mess got laid out on the living room floor at once. We do have the kids, and that of course makes this harder. I cannot say for sure if I would want to stay with her if they were not involved. I tell her that I am totally incapable of rational thought right now, and I will need some time (not sure how much) to cope with what I’ve come to know.

 

I am proud of her for telling me, yet I wish I did not know. It's like she dumped all of that off her chest and now it's mine to deal with. She understands that I am having a hard time with it and I suppose she is going through a bit of hell herself. She has told me that she does not want to lose me, and I think I can forgive her, but my emotions are running so high right now that I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Maybe I’ll get over this one day, maybe I won’t. Maybe I'll still want to be with her, maybe I won’t. All I do know for sure is that I need some help, and I hate knowing it. She says it's up to me as far as where we go from here.

 

Thanks for… “listening?” I know that my problems are far from unique, and I thank you all.

[Fayebelle]

*hugs*

[DazednConfused]

Hello TTJJ;

 

I understand every word and every thought that is currently racing thru your mind. Right now you cannot imagine any kind of positive outcome for yourself. It does feel like once they dump, they are free, and you are stuck holdng the bag. It sucks. It isn't fair. You did nothing, and now you have this ball of crap that seems to do nothing but grow inside your own head.

 

Get used to it.

 

If you choose to keep your marriage, this will be the toughest thing you will have ever had to deal with. If you decide to divorce, you will still have to deal with it.

 

I would be wondering if she is being honest that the other relationship did not start until after she separated. "I love you, but I am not in love with you" is a very common phrase from wayward spouses. I think it stems from the euphoria created by a new love interest when compared to a more advanced marriage. The affair is a thrill ride, the marriage is ho-hum.

 

Personally, I am about four months ahead of you. I have decided to try and work on my marriage, and thusly, my wife is still here. I still have far more bad days than good. I have always loved this woman, but I hate hate hate what she has done, and what has happened to us as a consequence.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/

 

It's a long road TT, and it isn't fun either way. I found some books to be helpful, I often whack away at a railroad tie with a hand axe, I try to live in every moment when things feel good and to change my own attitude when things are not going so well.

 

Dude, the whole things sucks as*. You have a whole new world of emotion to experience over the coming months. Only you know what you can handle, and further if your marriage and your wife are worth it. You can PM me anytime you need to unload or just keep posting. I will be watching your story, and pulling for you.

 

I wish you the very best.

 

-Dazed

[StillHurtin]

I am sorry that you are dealing w/ this. It's not easy, and you're right, no one knows the pain of an unfaithful spouse until it happens to them. So many ppl can say "If my dh/dw had an affair I would end the marriage!" In fact I use to think the samething, BUT I trusted my dh and never in a million years thought he would cheat on me but he did, 11 years into our marriage. The pain does get easier, and counseling helps. I went on anti-depressants and had counseling. I stopped both but thinking here lately I need to go back on the meds and counseling b/c I find myself going back to the past and remembering the pain I went through and still thinking "How could he do this to me!?!?!"

 

My dh filed for a D in April of 2003. He said he knew he wasn't making me happy and was tired of the fighting all the time. He wanted to set me free to find someone who would treat me the way I should be treated. The week I got the D paper's is when I kicked him out. A few days later I heard from friends that he was having an A w/ a co-worker. The OW was also married, knew dh was married, had children and even tried being my friend. I knew she was after my dh years ago (long story) so I would try my best to avoid her when I would go see dh at work. Anyhow, I moved to my hometown to be near family to support me. A month after I moved back my dh called me begging me to take him back. Said he made the stupidest mistake of his life, realized how much he really did love me and the kids and didn't want to spend his life w/o us. It was hard to hear the truth (they both denied the A for 2 months) but he finally told me everything. He said that he thought the marriage was over so he started seeing this OW. It has been almost 18 months since we have been back together. It is hard b/c there is still a trust issue. I don't know if I will ever trust him again, I just hope I can b/c I can't live like this the rest of my life.

 

I hope that you and your W can start over and be happy. GL!

[only1life]

I can feel for you. My wife of 25 years did very similar. Like Dazed said, it just sucks sucks sucks. We're on our 6th week of trying to rebuild, but it is hard. Very hard. Only thing keeping me here, is that the alternative looks even worse, because for some unknown reason, through all this, I still love her. She's willing to be honest, sorry for what she did, etc, and that helps, but not much. Still have stomach pains, have lost 30 pounds, can't concentrate on anything that meant anything to me before, and sleep about 3 hours on a good night. It just sucks. And I read here that this will last for years. Sucks sucks sucks

 

On a good note, tho, she's very willing to try some new things, and when I can stop the "bad thoughts" from overtaking me, she's still the fun person I married all those years ago. So I figure, I'm just going to go with it, and even if it doesn't work out, I'm going to have fun in the meantime!

 

I suggest a great paperback for you to read called "After the Affair" by some author named Spring. It is an easy read, cheap and will give some meaning to what you're going through. Also, it will help with some of your decisions in the next few weeks, months, years.

 

Take care. Keep in touch. It helps us all.

[izzybelle]

in reading all of your stories i have to say that i feel badly for what all of you are going through and i understand for some the importance of trying to keep your marriage together. this is not meant as a judgement but just some questions because it puzzles me.....

 

if staying together is making you physically sick...stomach pains, weight loss, sleepless nights, antidepressants, need for counseling, etc., etc., etc..... why are you all putting yourself through this? from what you've said it all sounds like you were treated badly but yet you have chosen to stay and endure the emotional and physcial pain. is this pain really less than what you might experience if you left and had a chance to find happiness with someone else? and then i see the parts about not being sure if you can find that trust again.... so again, with all the physical, emotional and psychological pain that's being thrown your way why do you chose to stay and subject yourselves to that every day not knowing if the next will be better or worse? will the next day be the day your spouse decides that they needed to stray again, but feel relieved again for having confessed? i understand that you must truly love your spouses a great deal but is love really enough in this case?

 

again, not meant as a judgement but who's watching out for you while you're putting yourself through all of this? i know you find support here for being able to share your stories and know there are others in the same boat. and yes, i came here for support too. but do you think there will come a time when you won't have to turn to the forum for help, that your spouses will be there for you again? are your current spouses experiencing the same symptoms or because they've dumped it all in your lap are they now free and clear?

 

i know it's all a process to forgive but... how long do you try before the physical, emotional and psychological stress becomes more than you can bear?

[nap]

Izzy, I have to agree with your view.

My wife admitted to an affair approx 18 months ago. the affair happened around 12 years ago. What a blow - I've been through so many ups and downs over the last 18 months that I'm due to crash into a smoldering heap.

I think you are correct .... no matter how hard we try to forgive and forget...the corrections will not be enough whereby you can honestly say that you're back at pre-affair stage and all happy and content. And if you can't get to at least that point ... then what is the point in staying together...and going thru the re-occuring pain.

You know what gets me in all of this.... "I'm so sorry...it was a mistake" is a typical cheater's response? A mistake is a result which was not predicted or intended from a set of actions. The only non-intended result here was being caught - every other result is as intended. If we're suppose to forgive this then no thanks.

 

I feel for you .... you are correct....there are emotions which I didn't know I had. Good luck.

[TTJJ]

Thanks everyone for the support and advice. Dazed, it sounds like you got married real young like me...but that's the thing to do when you've found the person you want to be with forever and the feeling is reciprocal.

I appreciate your perspective on all this. It will be tough but I hold the belief that one day I'll look back and know that I was right, and that my wife was worth fighting myself for. Because that's what it's really all about for me. The real struggle I face is against myself.

[jmargel]

TTJJ,

 

You've been through alot of emotions in the past few months. From the unexpectant seperation, to her wanting divorce. To you getting on with your life, then for her to come back, and then on top of that to tell you about the OM.

 

Your emotions haven't had a chance to catch up to everything yet. It will thought. But, remember to never act on your emotions though. What you have to do is take things slow, and find a good, effective way to release all of your uncertainty, hurt, anger, and any other emotions. The best way for you to do this is to find a counselor. Call a local hospital, or search on the net here for a good licensed marriage counselor. Both of you need it.

 

Most relationship won't go into 'seperation' mode if both couples are happy and content. There were issues going on probably before that even happened. This OM was a filler for the void your wife was having in her relationship with you. Like most relationships involving an OM or OW, they don't last. What the spouse is lacking, that tries to find in them, they eventually find out they can't. She didn't go off with this OM to hurt you. She didn't have sex with him to make you feel bad. She probably did this out of a way to make herself feel worthy again in some form. A lack of communication is probably one of the major reasons why you two are having problems.

 

You are just dealing with the 'topics' here. Her going off with this OM while being seperated. You need to look at the issues on WHY she left in the first place. Be honest with yourself. She is probably to blame in some ways too, in regards to things happening before the seperation and the OM.

 

You have to look at it this way: She came back to you, and told you the truth about everything. Even though it stings quite a bit, she has done this in good faith. Not to rub your nose into it. She told you, knowing she could lose you but that she needed to be honest. Which is one of the cornerstones that support a good relationship. Even though it's hard don't come down on her for her telling you this, otherwise she will be alot more apprehensive in telling you things in the future. She has come back to you because she knows what is important to her in life. Now is your time for both of you to fix the issues between you two.

 

You will not only be trying to fix these issues, but to also deal with your own emotions. It's going to be very hard, something that you can't do yourself. Trust me, if you try you'll find yourself resenting your wife, and arguing with her more. She will then think nothing has changed, and then leave again.. This time for good. Look for a good counselor today, it's something you two need. Also please click on the link that's in my signature. It will give you alot of good insight on this.

[only1life]

Izzybelle, we go back to our spouses, because we know we had something great between us years ago, and if both partners are willing, completely honest and forgiving, then we can eventually get back that goodness we had between us. This time we hope it will even be better, since we both have learned a huge lesson in the process.

 

The pains we are going thru right now, are the results of the hurts we have been thru. Like many wounds, they too will begin to feel better as the relationship is rebuilt. If we didn't experience these pains, then that would indicate that there wasn't much between us in the first place.

 

In my case, it is a marriage of 25 years. She knows me well, knows what turns me on, knows what makes me laugh, knows all the little intricacies of my life. And I know all hers. Isn't this all worth some pain to regain? We think so. I don't want to start anew with someone else, I want to pick up the pieces and rebuild them better than before.

 

She made a few serious mistakes. She admits it, and I forgive her. I have made different mistakes in the past, so shouldn't I give her the same justice? Yeah, it's not that simple, but maybe it can be.

 

So, I guess we go through all this because we really love each other, and thus we can forgive, and we will work towards better communication, and a closer and much better relationship than ever before. Am I dreaming? Maybe, but isn't it worth the try? She and I think so!

[izzybelle]

only1life, your points make a lot of sense. i guess unfortunately what i've seen lately, not just here, but in real life as opposed to the cyber one we experience here, are a number of married folks who are trying just because they feel they have to. not because they love each other, not because they want to regain something from the past and make it better, but they feel obligated, they have a "history" together. they go through the motions, they try counseling, they try being nice to each other, the try to remember what it was that drew them together at the beginning, they try holding on to the moments when life was happier (even if it was 20 years ago). and i guess from some of what you've said, you're one of the lucky ones. the people i'm watching going through this now are causing each other so much pain, it breaks my heart to watch. i know three couples who are currently "trying" to save their marriages. two with known affairs and one with an unknown affair. and i'll see them sort of happy and together one week and rolling their eyes at each other the next. complaining about the other person and saying things to me like "i'm getting used to doing things on my own." this from a man who was so committed just about a year ago to making his marriage work. i watch what the trying does to some of the kids. the stress, the physical symptoms that were described here, the emotional stress that all has such a negative impact on the kids. more than most people will ever realize. i watch the kids break down and cry because their home life is so stressed. they're afraid that every little thing will end in a fight or one parent going out. they watch their parents try one day and act like people with sep. lives the next.

 

my fear and i guess the reason for my post is that i see some people so afraid to give up or give in. that feeling like they have to keep trying forever ends up bringing everyone, including their kids, more pain than is imaginable.

 

i understand forgiving and forgetting but... if a spouse cheats on you once, apologizes appropriately, things get better, old habits return and he/she cheats again, then what? do you continue to give that person another chance? fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, i think is how the saying goes. ok, to come clean, i'm one of the dreaded OWs, we're not all terrible people and yes, in many cases, we've been lied to as well. i won't defend my actions and i hope my jumping in here isn't offensive to anyone. in any case, when my exMM's wife found out he ended things with me and is back with her for one more try. in some ways i understand why he is... (sort of...ok to tell the truth i don't but i'm trying) but i'm really puzzled about her. she said for years she was leaving him this summer, idle threats perhaps. but more importantly, as she told me this was not his first affair and wouldn't be his last.... so perhaps my question is regardless of how much you love somebody and how much you may want to make things with that person work, if you trust so little that you'll admit to people that you don't trust your spouse, why is it worth staying?

 

she threatened him with all sorts of things if he continued his relationship with me so yes, on some level i understand his motivations. but for those of you trying to rebuild your relationships is this really a healthy basis to start from? infidelity is a bit*h, yes i was on the receiving end of that as well, or so i suspect...he would never come clean and we're divorced now and he's marrying her next year. but to be honest my marriage was over already and i could have cared less. but anyway, if you're trying to rebuild an oh so damaged relationship from the infidelity but you threaten your spouse into ending a relationship and staying...... i guess i'm looking for some answers that don't exist. i know there are a lot of women in the same boat as me but i was wondering from a "cheated on" perspective why one would choose to stay.

 

again, i apologize for jumping into your conversation but as that unspoken of "3rd" person, i guess we search for answers too from the people we're not allowed to ask, the injured spouse. and yes, i've spend a fair amount of time on the OM/OW forum here.

[only1life]

Originally posted by izzybelle

only1life, ...i guess from some of what you've said, you're one of the lucky ones.

 

Thank you. I think I'm beginning to believe that maybe I am!

 

And all our kids but one are college aged. They don't know all the details, but they know that we are working hard on our marriage. I think that they should know that a good relationship is rewarding but takes work, instead of thinking that marriage is easy and fun all the time.

 

And yes, there's lots of good days followed by bad ones. But after all these years, our arguments are not screaming or shouting but consist of a lot of tears and trying to understand the other's feelings. So the bad days usually end up with more understanding of each other.

 

my fear and i guess the reason for my post is that i see some people so afraid to give up or give in. that feeling like they have to keep trying forever ends up bringing everyone, including their kids, more pain than is imaginable.

 

Actually, we're to the point where the good feelings far exceed the bad, especially for her, I think. And I've gotten to the point where I thought I was going to loose everything that I cherished, so I'm giving it all in an honest effort to work it out. I have little to loose by trying. Either one of us can quit if it get so bad, and the other will understand, but so far we don't. And it is hard, damage has been done that won't ever be forgotten, but that damage will exist if we stay together or apart. It is a matter of learning to not dwell on those things, even though we do talk about them, we both understand that they were mistakes, and we now know that to enjoy life again, we have to get over them, and rebuild.

 

i understand forgiving and forgetting but... if a spouse cheats on you once, apologizes appropriately, things get better, old habits return and he/she cheats again, then what? do you continue to give that person another chance?

 

Yup, we've discussed that also. She knows that I can't forgive this action again. (Maybe I could, hopefully never have to!) But we're working on the root of the cause, which is why it happened in the first place - our drifting apart. I take some of the blame for that, but she takes more for that and all the affair blame. She knows how much she hurt me. I have to (and I do) trust her to never let it happen again. After all, she trusts me to never cheat on her. Maybe I am a fool, but I think I'd be a real jerk if I didn't give her a chance. And maybe I'm a fool again, but I think she is a special person who is worth going out of my way for. Besides, now knowing what you know, do you think you'll ever get involved with a married man again? I hope you've learned something!

 

I have a lot of faith in the new lines of communication we now have. Also, we now laugh together more, are doing lots of social and entertaining things together, and our private lives together are better than ever! (Last weekend we had a 3 hour marathon, if you know what I mean!) So even if we fail at our rebuilding, neither one of us can say we didn't try our best, and in the meantime, we're having some great times together!

 

i'm one of the dreaded OWs, we're not all terrible people and yes, in many cases, we've been lied to as well. i won't defend my actions and i hope my jumping in here isn't offensive to anyone.

 

I think I can understand your actions, but I still think you should have thought about what you were doing first. Forgive me, but in my mind, you're as guilty as your lover. How did you think this could turn out good for you? My advice? Find someone who you can have a nice honest relationship with first, then become lovers. Loving a married man is doomed from the start. A married person has a long term commitment, and regardless of what he says in the heat of passion, you're still just a temporary replacement for a small part of his life which might be missing from his marriage. You're only getting 5% of the man. The other 95% has been built up over the years with a woman whom he made a promise to way back when. And be wary of what he says to you, after all this is a guy who will cheat on his own wife, so it shouldn't surprise anyone to find out that he may be doing a little lieing to get you to think the way he wants to. Sorry if this is too harsh, but look at it from my point of view.

 

yes i was on the receiving end of that as well, or so i suspect...he would never come clean and we're divorced now and he's marrying her next year. but to be honest my marriage was over already and i could have cared less.

 

Sorry to hear this. But maybe you can understand a little more about where I'm coming from. I never saw my marriage as being over, so our cases are different. Well, I hope so, anyway. One never really knows where one stands, does one? And I'd be interested to find out if his new marriage lasts very long.

 

but i was wondering from a "cheated on" perspective why one would choose to stay.

 

Because I love her. She is a great person. Special. And I believe she loves me. And together we can make a great life again. Or, at the very least, have some fun trying! The fun does exceed the pain!

 

again, i apologize for jumping into your conversation but as that unspoken of "3rd" person, i guess we search for answers too from the people we're not allowed to ask, the injured spouse.

 

Feel free to ask anything you wish. The more we all communicate, the less misunderstanding we'll all be, and maybe then, there will be less of this trouble going around. I almost became a cheater myself, about 12 years ago, but fortunately, my would-be-lover and I realized what was happening before we'd gone too far, and put a terminal stop to it. And now that an affair has bit me this time, I think I can understand a little more about it. My wife is very pretty, I think many men would love to have her as a friend and more. She's a lot of fun, and knows how to laugh and make others laugh. She's pleasant to be around, and a loving person. I can understand how her lover felt about her, although I have trouble forgiving him. But he's a married man also, and told my wife that his marriage was bad, etc etc. I don't know them myself, but I suspect that, like many men, he told my wife whatever she wanted to hear, in order to have her. A little crude, yes, but passion will do that, especially to a guy. I feel sorry for his wife, since the last we heard, he hadn't told her about it. If their marriage is bad, why not put the energy into fixing it up, instead of bedding someone else's wife? Uh oh, here comes all the questions. Ha!

 

Enough for now. Thanks for your opinion and ideas. This is my therapy, my way of dealing with the situation - learn as much as possible from others. I need all the help I can get! And maybe I am wrong. Maybe I will be a fool again. But maybe not. Maybe it will all work out in time, and my wife and I will lead a really great life again. That's why I doing all I can to achieve this!

 

I hope your situation can somehow turn out as good as possible. Keep in touch.

[DazednConfused]

Only1,

 

I wanted to congratulate you on putting into words what i have tried to explain over and over. I applaud your willingness to work, and I share many of the same thoughts and experiences as you in rebuilding my marriage.

 

I see you are a pragmatist as well as I, but I think you do a little better job of staying objective in the face of emotional meltdown than I do.

 

I wish you luck, and thank you for so eloquently stating our point of view.

 

-Dazed

[izzybelle]

only1, thanks so much for your response. i won't bore you with all the details but some of the things i may say may very well be what your wife heard as well. and please understand that ALL of what i say he said should be prefaced with, or so i was told....

 

i've known him for years. his wife never came with him to any of the events that i'd see him at. she had told himm for years that their marriage was over and when their son left the house (this summer) that she was gone. she'd talked to an attorney, told him she hated the sight of him, cringed when he walked in the room, no intimacy for years, etc. he got in a bad car accident and instead of asking if he was ok, she started complaining about the car insurance rates. so, in his defense and mine, he thought his marriage was ending this summer and so did i and in many ways i felt like he was mine, that the marriage was just a temporary situation. his son opted for a transitional year before leaving (this happened after she found out about me) and told him they needed to hang in there for one more year. he talked about a future with me, not her. we live hundreds of miles apart and have only seen each other 4 times in 10 months. but needless to say through phone and email we formed an incredible emotional bond. we told each other everything and i feel very deeply in love with him and he did with me as well. said there was no chance for reconcilliation. saving his marriage would be like moving the empire state building. so needless to say, when he told me he was going to try to save his marriage, i was shocked and more hurt than anyone could ever imagine. as stupid as this will sound, because of the bond we had, I felt like I was the one who was being cheated on. so yes, i was stupid enough to get involved but i had every reason to believe that things would turn out differently.

 

it's been a few months and it still hurts a lot some times. better some days than others, and in some twisted way i imagine is some of what you've felt. even though our promises weren't made in front of a group of people, i felt they meant something. and also on some level, i guess i can understand your desire to work things out with your wife. he knows that this all has damaged my ability to trust him, and believe what he tells me, but if he walked through the door, i'd be very tempted to try and rebuild that. but i don't know if i could, i'd be too terrified that he'd put me through the same he** again, which is why i question how you can keep trying knowing what pain you've been through if you know there's a possibility that it will happen again.

 

what you said about trying to get to the root of the problems makes sense. i don't believe they're doing that. i get the impression they're just treating like the big pink elephant that nobody wants to talk about. that's why i think they're doomed. they had stopped loving each other years ago and to just go on now, like nothing's happened, makes no sense to me.

 

i admire your ability to try to move beyond and i may be wrong but i don't think either my exMM or his wife are willing to put that much work into it. i think they think if they ignore it long enough it will go away, it didn't the first time, and i don't think it will this time either. and yes, i worry about him. i worry about him getting hurt. stupid on my part since he didn't seem to worry about hurting me.

[only1life]

Izzybelle, I do feel funny talking to the person with whom I equate the person who slept with and caused my wife to lie to me. Brings up lots of feelings I never knew I had. But you have given feelings to his side of the story, and I can see that it hurts you also. However, there is no easy way out of this, it seems at best, only two can come out of it happy. And that isn't easy at all.

 

Originally posted by izzybelle

i admire your ability to try to move beyond and i may be wrong but i don't think either my exMM or his wife are willing to put that much work into it. i think they think if they ignore it long enough it will go away, it didn't the first time, and i don't think it will this time either. [/quote}

 

I think you should do the same. Let him go! Let their relationship not be a part of your life. Their problems are just that - their problems. Your involvement only adds to their problems. If you do really love him, then you'll respect his wishes and get out of his life completely. Sound backward? Yeah, but one of the first requirements of their future together is that you are not in the picture at all. And both of them must know that. Won't be easy for you, I'm sure, but it is also the first step in the healing process for you. The sooner you make this commitment to yourself, the better. After you truly get past him, you can move on with you own life.

 

 

I'm sure he didn't want to hurt you. After all, you made him feel good for a while, and he'll miss that. You filled a void that was missing in his marriage. But that also put him in a position where he had to choose, and harsh as it may seem, he has a lot more of himself invested in her than you. But that should also tell you that you really only got to know a small part of him, maybe the part of him that was the most fun at the time. There's a whole other part that you have yet to know, and that is the part which brought him back to his wife.

 

It's time for you to move on. Hang around with some people who can potentially give you a full real relationship, without any outside commitments lingering. Each of us deserves the real love that only a one-on-one relationship can fulfill. I know that's what I'm working towards recovering.

 

which is why i question how you can keep trying knowing what pain you've been through if you know there's a possibility that it will happen again

 

There are no real guarantees in life. Sometimes it seems that when things are going the best, it all crashes down to the worst. But if we always gave up, we'd never get back to those great times again. I have no guarantee that my wife will stay and keep trying with me through our recovery. But I believe her when she says she wants to work it out. Why? Maybe because I want to believe her. Maybe because it makes me feels good to think things will work out. Maybe because I really do love her. Maybe because I read the statistics that say that most of those who try to work it out are successful. Probably all of these things and more. Besides, this whole thing is a 2 way street, she has put her trust in me, and I have trusted her. She has told me that one of her fears is that I'll give up and leave her. I tell her I'll never do that, and I honestly mean it, but she knows that I could change my mind some time also. There are no guarantees.

 

But if we don't try, then the great times are definitely gone forever, right?

 

Take Care.

[TTJJ]

It's been about 6 weeks now since I found out. I am really having trouble with the constant reminders of what she has done. The OMM was a cop, and you know how often we all see police cars and such. I am actually considering going to a therapist, and she has suggested that we go together. Jmargel, I bet you're glad to hear that.

 

She very much regrets what she did, and she just wants me to get over it so that I am not constantly thinking about it. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, and that includes a malignant bone cyst I fought with for 4 years and finally overcame.

 

Hey Dazed, how are you? I know that your situation closely resembles mine, so I just wanted to run something by you. Has your wife been able to do anything to try redeeming herself , and if so, has it improved things? I guess I might still be in denial of sorts, so if she has been trying anything extra to pull me back to her, I may not be seeing it clearly.

 

She has been asking me alot lately about what she can do so that I can trust her again, but I can't think of a thing. She did have her cell phone # changed, but I didn't ask her to do that. Well, maybe I did but it was more like this: "If you ever feel like you want to contact (I don't know the name of the guy, nor do I want to, not sure what I'd do with that info. so I told her not to divulge it) this guy again or if he contacts you, let me know immediately." That's when she got her # changed. But it's going to be a long time before I can fully trust her again, but maybe never. Ouch, that's a scary thought.

[stormywind]

From my own experiences, I think that it's almost impossible to get get trust back once it's lost. You're always left with nagging doubts and full of insecurity. Things can go back to being good for awhile but I don't think you can ever regain what you had to start with. And the main reason that people stay together to try to work things out i think is to attempt to regain what you had to start with.

I stayed with someone for many years trying to bring it back. We're no longer together. If it happened to me again, I think I'd waste less time trying to get it to come back.

[DazednConfused]

Hiya TT;

 

Hey Dazed, how are you? I know that your situation closely resembles mine, so I just wanted to run something by you. Has your wife been able to do anything to try redeeming herself , and if so, has it improved things? I guess I might still be in denial of sorts, so if she has been trying anything extra to pull me back to her, I may not be seeing it clearly.

 

How am I? I guess I am okay. Still hangin in though some days i am not too sure why I bother. My wife is trying everything she can think of to redeem herself. She fills me in on every second of her day in advance, gives me access to everything, even keeps me informed when she has people hang up on her work voice mail. She works hard to show me she loves me, and wants to be with me. Sex has been often, varied, and amazing, etc. Beyond these things, there is little left that she can do to win back my trust. All of these things are wonderful in protecting against future mistakes. They do not address the initial act(s).

 

I am nearing seven months since disclosure. There are far more good days than bad at this point. But I find myself sunken into a depression that no amount of therapy or varied meds seem to be able to help with. I am still haunted by images from my imagination, sleeplessness, anger, and disappointment. Much of the color has gone out of my life. I am going thru the motions for the sake of our daughter, and because I think I need to try.

My wife busts her butt to make me feel secure, and honestly, I do feel secure. What I cannot seem to get back is the unquestionable love and faith I used to have. Will it come back? I just don't know. I look back and question every action and logic I have used in staying in my marriage often. I sometimes feel weak for allowing her to stay. I just don't know how I ever feel like I used to.....

 

TT, I tell you these things not to throw a wrench into your progress, nor to give you pause in doing what you believe is right for you, but to give you an honest look into where I am these days, and where you may find yourself as well. Try not to let your inner self get the best of you as mine has.

 

It is still a long road, and i really do wish you the best.

 

-Dazed

[Owl]

Wow...once again its interesting to see how many of us are in the same boat, so to speak. I'm coming up on six months since I discovered my wife's online affair. I think my situation differed in some ways from yours tho. I discovered (suspected for a while, and finally logged her chat sessions over a weekend with the OM, just when it was getting to the "we need to meet to see if its like this in person" phase). When I confronted her about this, he bought her plane tickets to fly to where he lives, and she moved into a local motel for about four days while waiting on the flight. She did end up staying here because she finally started having some doubts about what she was doing, but it was 3-4 weeks before she finally made the decision to reconcile and rebuild our marriage. It took about six weeks total before she finally broke all contact with him as well.

 

My wife went rapidly to the point where she just wishes this all had never happened, and that it would just go away. We both began counseling a few weeks after the affair was discovered, both personal and couple. Our first marriage counselor didn't work out, so we began seeing the one that I'd been going to for personal counseling. He's been a tremendous help, and does a good job of being nuetral, but at the same time trying to help us work through the issues.

 

I know now that she really does regret what happened, and would take it all back if she could. She was dealing with depression at the time, and that seriously did cloud her judgement quite a bit. She has trouble now looking back at it, because she really can't understand why she felt like she did. Our marriage is doing great now, and our counselor has been astounded at how well we've worked through a lot of things.

 

I still have my down days. They don't come as often as they used to, and they're not as down as they used to be, but they do still come. I totally and completely believe her when she says that there has been no contact with the OM...but then I still worry when I go to work. She has worked to rebuild the trust, but it is going to take a long time to get it back to near the levels it was before...if it can be rebuilt that high.

 

And for as to why am I still with her?? Because she still is the love of my life. I've never loved another like I do her, and don't feel that I ever will. She really is a wonderful person, just one who sometimes needs to work on that judgement. She's not been through as much as I have, so she still had some learning to do when it came to boundaries with other people. But, in the end, even with the lingering doubts and pain, its still better to be with her than without her.

 

Only- I know what you're going through. I lost 25 lbs in 2 weeks when I discovered my wife's affair. I slept 3 or so hours a nite, and even that was tossing and turning. I went through some serious black depression...but it DOES get better friend. I've considered getting treatment for depression myself, but I'm not one for meds and such, so haven't done so. You may consider it. Good luck all...I know that my wife and I are going to be a success story...and don't doubt for a minute that there are others here who will be as well!!

[only1life]

Dazed, I'm not as far along from our affair as you, but I have been able to work out the trust issue, maybe a little better than you. Sure the trust had been broken, but can't you see that she really wants to make up for that mistake? She's doing all that she can. And if you want things to get better, you have to accept that. None of us is perfect, and if we don't forgive our friend's mistakes, then there is little hope for any future good in our lives.

 

Afraid of being burnt again? Well, yeah, I think we all are. But if we don't give it an honest try, then where does that get us. At least by forgiving and accepting that mistakes have been made, we can then continue our lives together and try to move forward into something better. Just think of what we have learned, and how that is going to help guide us in the future.

 

I'm not saying "forgive and forget." I think that is someone's dream, to be able to forget what we have been thru. I'm saying to use it as a learning experience. For both of you.

 

Good Luck.

[Owl]

Dazed- Just read back through your original post, and through your response here. I've got to say I can understand how you feel friend. I'd like to ask you a few questions, just to kinda understand the situation, and to get you to thinking a bit too.

 

Have you figured out what it was the she was getting out of her relationship with the OM [slimeball] that she wasn't getting from her relationship with you? Has she honestly given serious thought to why she did what she did, and discussed it with you?? ---In my wife's case, she couldn't directly answer that at first, but it became pretty clear what the issues were as we went through counselling...it was complicated by the depression, and she felt as though the family had "given up" on her. She got the emotional support and love (God that hurts to say) that she felt she wasn't getting from me.

 

If you have figured out what it was, are you working now to ensure that she's getting it from you now? ---This means both of you...she has to let you know what she needs, and you have to work to supply it. And it works both ways...the same type of activity should be going on where she is meeting your needs. If its not, you need to get the problems here worked out pronto.

 

Lastly, and its a biggie!---

 

Have you forgiven her?

--I know its a doozie friend. But, if you can understand in some way WHY she did what she did, and what led up to it, and are working to ensure that it won't happen again, forgivness is possible. And honestly, if you continue to resent her and constantly view only her actions then and ignore her actions now, you'll never be happy with her again. I was able to forgive my wife...once I knew that she truly regretted what she had done...once I truly believed that she wouldn't do it again...and once I understood why she did it, and what we were doing to prevent it from happening again.

 

If you've done all of this, and the pain is not diminishing, you should seek counseling/treatment for depression. If that doesn't help, then you should seriously consider the D word. It is possible that you've been hurt badly enough that you CAN'T recover...but you should make damn sure that you're positive that is the case before you make that decision. If you can't forgive her...same thing.

 

I really do think that if you love her as deeply as you've described, then you've got such a wonderful base from which to rebuild your marriage that you are bound to succeed. That's how I know my wife and I are going to make it through our ordeal as well. I still hurt dude...trust me. But it is lessening, it is going away, and life is getting better. I really think it will for you too.

 

Forgive and Forget...sweet words that are an impossiblity for most of us here. Live and Learn...that's about all we can REALLY do. Good luck friend!

[DazednConfused]

Hiya TT,

 

I surely did not intend to hijack your thread. I appologize.

[whichwayisup]

Dazed, I think everyone responding to your reply just shows how much your life, your situation has touched so many. You give wonderful advice and have lot of useful and insightful information to give others who are going through so much and you are much appreciated around this place!

[TTJJ]

Dazed,

 

No apology necessary. I appreciate all replies.