Jealousy....dealing with it......and opinions needed..??

[~Mike~]

Hi,

 

I Love my Girlfriend very much and I feel that we are right for each other. I feel very attached to her, but one problem that I have is that I am a person that gets jealous easily. I dunno, even little, kinda stupid things, can make me jealous. Now, I have a good bit of faith in my girlfriend and I would have basically total faith in her, if it weren't for rumors that I heard in hs. These rumors, according to her are false and I believe her mostly. It's just hard to get some of these ideas that I previously believed out of my head, (the rumors had a fair amt. to do with why I didn't date her in hs).

 

I just don't know what I should do. We haven't been going out that long, but we've known each other for a Long time. But, we both Love each other very much. Also, my gf's roommate says that she basically always talks about me and stuff. Well, my question is How do you deal with Jealousy???? I know that some jealousy is good...But I think that mine is unhealthy in a way. What should I do? Also, I tell her how strongly I feel about her, and she tells me the same...but I had a girl that said this to me and then she went out and basically cheated on me cause she knew how much I loved her and that I'd still be there. Now, I Do Not think that my girlfriend has any intentions like this at all, but what should I do?

 

Also, one last question, she mentioned tonight about possibly moving about an hr. away and getting a job and for rooming one of the options she said was possibly move in with a Guy friend till she can find a place.....Now, I know I am 19, but I have "old fashioned morals"; this just shocked me. But, I didn't say anything....now isn't the time I don't think...cause she woln't be moving for at least 4 mths. Plus, the thing is she has family in the area down there. I dunno, what do you guys and girls think? I just know that I don't like that idea. I mean, I'm not saying she would mess around with him or anything,..but....I dunno...I know that some guys can be jerks at times too....ugh. Anyways, please give me some advice. I would greatly appreciate it.

 

~Mike~

[Nic]

jealousy is a 99% useless emotion, and usually results in the very thing it fears - loss of the special relationship. jealousy turns all the colours in your love into dreary black, white and grey. it's a relationship wrecker.

 

jealousy is about fear - fear of the unknown and of change, fear of losing power or control in a relationship, fear of loss, and fear of abandonment. it is a reflection of our own insecurity about our worthiness, anxiety about being adequate as a lover, and doubts about our desirability.

 

when you feel jealous, ask yourself, "what is it that i am really afraid of? what do I need to make this situation safe for me?" "what is the worst thing that could happen and how likely is that to happen?"

 

for one, don't make your feelings of insecurity your girlfriends problem. practise 'positive thinking'. allow yourself to believe it when your partner tells you they love you, and see yourself as a person deserving love and commitment.

 

next, don't create wild pictures in your head when you feel uncomfortable about her. use your imagination to come up with creative ways to spend time together and show her that you care.

 

finally, make sure that you have interests of your own to pursue when she is not available. don't just sit around with idle time waiting to see or hear from her. this will stunt your own growth. to keep the energy between you good, both of you need to take responsibility for pursuing your own personal goals. a relationship is made up of two people - the more active and vibrant you each are, the more interesting you are to each other.

 

try not to let what happened in your past become a current fear. for every one person out there who cheats on someone, there are 1000 who wouldn't. your current girlfriend is not your ex girlfriend. if you show this fear, you are showing your current girlfriend a lack of trust, and you may even end up pushing her away from you - which is exactly what you don't want. and don't listen to rumours from high school. she is who she is NOW. She is not what she has done in the past.

 

as for the roomate - perhaps you should just tell her that it concerns you that she's moving in with a guy and tell her why. explain why you don't feel comfortable with it and see how it goes from there. you really should discuss it though, because you're only going to let it eat at you if you don't.

 

and remember - jealousy can be damaging to relationship, so try and be positive about yourself to start with, and build your self esteem before the jealousy becomes out of control. try not to feel so threatened. it will only drive her away eventually.

[Tony T]

Jealousy is due to insecurities about yourself and has nothing to do with your girlfriend. Your previous experience with cheating has nothing to do with your current girlfriend. You either trust her or you don't. But don't make life miserable for her by displaying immature signs of jealousy that will alienate her from you and cause her to break up with you. Be a man!!!

 

As far as her living with a guy friend, that's done all the time. Again, if you don't trust her, break up with her. Yes, absolutely, there is always the risk that something may happen between her and the guy...yes, there is. Sounds pretty slim, though. But if they got together, she would break up with you and you would go on to find someone else better for you. At least she's not doing anything behind your back.

 

You're a young guy so you may as well learn early that love is a risk and you can't control it or another person. Your girl has a free will and she enjoys all the freedoms that any other lady enjoys throughout most of the world. If she decides to be attracted to someone else...and even act upon it...you cannot control that and neither should you try. Be a man, take the risks you have to, cut out the jealousy crap right now, and deal with things when they happen. Worrying about stuff beforehand is a waste of time and energy.

 

Start thinking more highly of yourself...get more confidence. That will keep ladies from cheating on you!!!

[Deejette]

Jealosy is like worrying: 95% of what we worry about never happens. So why torture yourself? Unless you have hard evidence that this girl is cheating on you, there is no reason to ruin a beautiful relationship.

 

I realize that you have been burned in the past and it is hard to let go of what happened. But, people are innocent until proven guilty. She is with you and with no one else. Be thankful for that. Show her you trust her.

 

Both Nic and Tony gave great advice on the destructiveness of jealousy. It can ruin the very relationship you are trying to preserve.

Jealousy is due to insecurities about yourself and has nothing to do with your girlfriend. Your previous experience with cheating has nothing to do with your current girlfriend. You either trust her or you don't. But don't make life miserable for her by displaying immature signs of jealousy that will alienate her from you and cause her to break up with you. Be a man!!! As far as her living with a guy friend, that's done all the time. Again, if you don't trust her, break up with her. Yes, absolutely, there is always the risk that something may happen between her and the guy...yes, there is. Sounds pretty slim, though. But if they got together, she would break up with you and you would go on to find someone else better for you. At least she's not doing anything behind your back. You're a young guy so you may as well learn early that love is a risk and you can't control it or another person. Your girl has a free will and she enjoys all the freedoms that any other lady enjoys throughout most of the world. If she decides to be attracted to someone else...and even act upon it...you cannot control that and neither should you try. Be a man, take the risks you have to, cut out the jealousy crap right now, and deal with things when they happen. Worrying about stuff beforehand is a waste of time and energy. Start thinking more highly of yourself...get more confidence. That will keep ladies from cheating on you!!!