Just found out my pregnant, now boyfriend wants to get married

[Arabella]

I literally just found out I am pregnant. While we weren't trying for it, we also weren't avoiding it. We're both very happy about these news.

 

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I discussed the topic of the future, and he expressed that he wanted to wait until the end of the year to get engaged, and then get married sometime in 2014.

 

Now we found out that I'm pregnant and when he asked me how I felt about it, I was honest and told him that I was happy, but not crazy about the idea of having a child before getting married. This is mainly because I realized then that my father, who is quite religious, will react negatively to it.

 

So he immediately responded, "that's easy enough to fix, we just go to city hall and do it". I rejected this notion just as quickly as he suggested. He wanted to know why not, so I answered that if he felt it was too soon before, it was still too soon. However, he felt that my being pregnant with his child changed that. I disagreed again.

 

He always said he intended on marrying me and having a future with me, but a mere few weeks ago, he said it was too soon. We've been officially together just under a year (dating more like a year and a half). Why would a pregnancy change that? Marriage is about the union of two people... and outside circumstances shouldn't impact the ultimate suitability or timeline of this event. Ideally, anyway.

 

A male friend I talked to today suggested that I should marry my boyfriend, because he thinks he genuinely wants to and that my being pregnant probably only served to speed it up. But my view is that if he had wanted to marry me for me, he would've gone, bought a ring, and proposed. Instead, he suggested it only after we found out about the pregnancy.

 

I married ten years ago because I felt it was the right thing to do at the time, but I never really wanted to, nor was I excited about it. That marriage ultimately failed, and I am quite sensitive to that issue now. I don't ever want to feel like my current boyfriend married me out of obligation. I also don't want him to feel like he has to do this just because I am pregnant.

 

Any thoughts?

 

-A

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

I mean I wouldn't want my kid to be born out of wedlock so I say get married.

[Arabella]

I actually don't care about my baby being born out of wedlock as much as I care about having an enthusiastic husband.

 

I just don't know if I'm over-thinking this, or I have a point in believing that pregnancy shouldn't affect the timeline of marriage.

 

Any more opinions?

[dreamingoftigers]

I actually don't care about my baby being born out of wedlock as much as I care about having an enthusiastic husband.

 

I just don't know if I'm over-thinking this, or I have a point in believing that pregnancy shouldn't affect the timeline of marriage.

 

Any more opinions?

 

Personally, I think he's enthusiastic to marry you anyhow.

 

So he had the "wait and make sure" approach.

 

Now he's got the "I'm sure and she's having my baby too!" approach.

 

He's happy.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

OP you shouldn't get married solely because your pregnant. I mean if that was the plan before then whatever but if it wasnt then why is it now?

Edited May 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted quote

[Nyla]

Arabella, you'll have to decide what is more important to you: being married when you have your child or having an enthusiastic husband. Maybe you don't want to marry at city hall because that is not the wedding you want...that is completely fine.

Edited May 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted quote

[subversive]

Based on your post, it doesn't sound like he is marrying you out of a sense of obligation. It's something you two have already talked about, and he wouldn't have said, "It's easy to fix!" if he were panicking over it.

 

Are you sure YOU are ready to marry him?

[xpaperxcutx]

I would say his enthusiasm grew from the moment the both of you had discussed marriage. The fact that you are pregnant shouldn't deter from you thinking that he doesn't want you. I honestly believe he wants to marry you because he wanted to and also because he wants to be responsible to both you and the baby.

 

Why are you questioning him?

[Phoebe]

I don't think that your boyfriend feels obligated to marry you. If someone speaks about getting engaged but can't decide on any kind of time frame I'd worry that they were not serious. But your boyfriend was talking about getting engaged in the next 7 months and being married within a year of getting engaged. The pregnancy is bringing his plans forward a little but not majorly changing them.

 

Some men pick a meaningful date in the future and decide that's when they're going to propose. They don't all rush out and buy a ring the second they start believing that they've found the girl they want to spend the rest of their lives with.

 

Congratulations on the pregnancy! Hope all goes well and stop worrying so much!!! :bunny::bunny:

[veggirl]

Omg why would you be not preventing pregnancy with a guy who wasn't ready to marry you? Sharing a kid is more permanent than marriage so that seems really backwards. Okay with having a baby with him but not marriage? I don't get it.

[dreamingoftigers]

Congratulations Arabella on the baby. I'm sure whether or not you marry or don't marry right away that things will be great.

Edited May 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Comment on threadjack redacted

[subversive]

Omg why would you be not preventing pregnancy with a guy who wasn't ready to marry you? Sharing a kid is more permanent than marriage so that seems really backwards. Okay with having a baby with him but not marriage? I don't get it.

 

Kinda too late for that now.

[xxoo]

Kind of weird that he was ok with conceiving a baby, but thought it was too soon to get married. What do you think about that inconsistency?

 

Of course, weddings aren't nearly as fun (for men) as conceiving babies. But he isn't asking for a wedding. He wants to get hitched Maybe he was just avoiding the whole wedding thing?

[Arabella]

Nyla: I'm not that worried about having a child out of wedlock... it's more of my father's reaction to it that worries me a little bit. I also don't mind marrying at city hall, or having a very small ceremony. This was always my preference anyway.

 

subversive: I figured I was "keeping" him like three months ago. I don't even know why, but something just shifted and I thought "Yep, I'm going to marry this man". He could've proposed anytime after that... I'm ready. I guess you're right that if he didn't want that, he wouldn't have offered in the first place.

 

xpapercutx: I guess I just wanted to make sure he wasn't just saying it because "it's the right thing to do". I don't really question HIM... just his extreme sense of responsibility.

 

veggirl: Why would we prevent something we wanted? Some things just feel right. This did... for both of us. Our legal status can be sorted out along the way. I never doubted he was committed to me. Neither did he. Odd, perhaps... but that's how it went.

[subversive]

Then it's all sorted out...you're having a baby and getting married! Yay!!!

Congrats!

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

 

veggirl: Why would we prevent something we wanted? Some things just feel right. This did... for both of us. Our legal status can be sorted out along the way. I never doubted he was committed to me. Neither did he. Odd, perhaps... but that's how it went.

 

That makes no sense lol marriage is a bigger commitment I would think than a baby.. It's pretty out of order

 

But whatever congrats

Edited May 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed quote

[Arabella]

That makes no sense lol marriage is a bigger commitment I would think than a baby.. It's pretty out of order

 

But whatever congrats

 

It made sense to us... and that's what matters

 

We talked about it earlier again and he reiterated his intent to marry. This time, I agreed.

 

Just sayin'

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

It made sense to us... and that's what matters

 

We talked about it earlier again and he reiterated his intent to marry. This time, I agreed.

 

Just sayin'

 

That's all fine and good, it probably should have come before a baby.

 

Just sayin'

[Arabella]

We did things in whatever order felt right to us.

 

Not that it appears to have mattered... same result in the end!

[pink_sugar]

Omg why would you be not preventing pregnancy with a guy who wasn't ready to marry you? Sharing a kid is more permanent than marriage so that seems really backwards. Okay with having a baby with him but not marriage? I don't get it.

 

This is also my thoughts exactly. My husband's parents were planning to get married and when they conceived my husband, it did speed up the wedding. No big deal. It's not like he suddenly proposed. He's decided the time will be sooner rather than later. I also prefer to be married before having kids, mostly because I do agree with the other poster that children are a much bigger than commitment than marriage. If neither of you felt ready, why did you not use protection?

[Arabella]

This is also my thoughts exactly. My husband's parents were planning to get married and when they conceived my husband, it did speed up the wedding. No big deal. It's not like he suddenly proposed. He's decided the time will be sooner rather than later. I also prefer to be married before having kids, mostly because I do agree with the other poster that children are a much bigger than commitment than marriage. If neither of you felt ready, why did you not use protection?

 

I repeatedly stated our stance on the child-having topic.... We repeatedly chose (for over three months), not to use protection. We wanted that baby whenever it happened to be made... and we did plan on getting married in the future, just not right now.

 

You don't have to understand it, agree with it, or approve it.

 

Anyway, the matter is settled now.

 

Thanks again.

[dreamingoftigers]

I repeatedly stated our stance on the child-having topic.... We repeatedly chose (for over three months), not to use protection. We wanted that baby whenever it happened to be made... and we did plan on getting married in the future, just not right now.

 

You don't have to understand it, agree with it, or approve it.

 

Anyway, the matter is settled now.

 

Thanks again.

 

So when is the big date?

 

You can borrow my blue garter.

[Els]

I guess I'm really confused about how less than a year feels too soon for marriage, but not too soon for a child.

 

I think, in the end, you should do what feels right for you. If YOU feel it's too soon to marry, by all means don't.

 

However, if you turn him down now and he doesn't bring it up again in 2014 when your child is a year old, what do you intend to do?

[Nyla]

 

veggirl: Why would we prevent something we wanted? Some things just feel right. This did... for both of us. Our legal status can be sorted out along the way. I never doubted he was committed to me. Neither did he. Odd, perhaps... but that's how it went.

 

That makes no sense lol marriage is a bigger commitment I would think than a baby.. It's pretty out of order

 

But whatever congrats

 

You can divorce a spouse, but you can never divorce your child.

 

I don't understand the judgemental attitudes towards Arabella. She and her boyfriend made choices that were right for them.

Edited May 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed quote

[Arabella]

So when is the big date?

 

You can borrow my blue garter.

 

Soon... Before I'm too huge to fit into any cute dress it will be a small ceremony just for immediate family.

 

We just told his family tonight also. They seemed very happy and supportive, so I feel like it would be wrong to exclude them from our happiness by eloping.