Just found out my pregnant, now boyfriend wants to get married

[dreamingoftigers]

I had a small wedding too. 17 people. Originally we were going to elope. But then we each had a handful of people we wanted there. Besides, my extendeds all hate each other. My parents are the worst of them. And the two families hate each other too.

 

The wedding was great.

[Nyla]

Soon... Before I'm too huge to fit into any cute dress it will be a small ceremony just for immediate family.

 

We just told his family tonight also. They seemed very happy and supportive, so I feel like it would be wrong to exclude them from our happiness by eloping.

 

It is great to have the support of family! I'm happy for you.

 

You can still look hot as a pregnant bride.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

You can divorce a spouse, but you can never divorce your child.

 

I don't understand the judgemental attitudes towards Arabella. She and her boyfriend made choices that were right for them.

 

Well obviously they weren't because she's on here asking questions about them. I just think if you aren't ready to commit to marrying someone it makes no sense to TRY to have a baby it's totally backwards.

Edited May 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed quote

[Arabella]

 

Well obviously they weren't because she's on here asking questions about them. I just think if you aren't ready to commit to marrying someone it makes no sense to TRY to have a baby it's totally backwards.

 

You're obviously not reading very clearly.

 

I have not questioned our decision to get pregnant ANYWHERE in this post.

 

This thread was meant to discuss whether my boyfriend's sudden suggestion to marry made sense (when just a month ago he said he'd rather wait until December to get engaged), or he was doing it out of obligation. I wanted to make sure that he wanted that out of a genuine desire to be married to me, and not just because of the baby.

 

The point of this thread was not to open up for discussion whether it was the right choice to make or not. We're elated about it, and that's the end of it. That makes it the right choice for us. Ok?

 

Whatever YOU believe is right for you is, most definitely, right for you. But we happen to have a different opinion of what's right for us, so either stick to the topic, or move along.

 

Thanks everyone for your comments and support

 

-A

[Arabella]

I had a small wedding too. 17 people. Originally we were going to elope. But then we each had a handful of people we wanted there. Besides, my extendeds all hate each other. My parents are the worst of them. And the two families hate each other too.

 

The wedding was great.

 

A small wedding makes the most sense for us because I want his family and a few close friends to be there, but all of my family is in Europe so there wouldn't be much representation for my side anyways. Also, with a baby on the way, an expensive affair makes no sense

 

It is great to have the support of family! I'm happy for you.

 

You can still look hot as a pregnant bride.

 

The way I see it, there are some options.... get married now-ish and look good (if slightly bigger because I've been eating a cow at a time), get married in a few months and appear obviously pregnant but glowing nonetheless... or get married after baby is born and look just plain fat!

 

So yeah, sometime this summer sounds about right. August perhaps

[dreamingoftigers]

Well obviously they weren't because she's on here asking questions about them. I just think if you aren't ready to commit to marrying someone it makes no sense to TRY to have a baby it's totally backwards.

 

My parents did the same thing.

 

They were together for a year before engagement. Then they were engaged for five years. (That would've driven me nuts)

 

They tried for a baby for the whole engagement but weren't settled in one area long enough to plan a wedding. She was in Ottawa finishing her degree and he was in Calgary starting work during the oil boom.

 

Then she finished her degree, moved out here, and they started planning but they weren't in any rush.

 

They didn't conceive me until 3 months after they were married. But that was just fluke. But it does make it more convenient to remember what anniversary they are on. Their marriage is one year older than me.

Edited May 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed quote

[Art_Critic]

Congrats.....Being a parent is an incredible feeling and one that is not comparable with anything in my life thus far.

Enjoy it, make it fun and laugh with your child all the time.

Try not to take things too seriously, being a child means life is supposed to be filled with fun, laughter and joy.

 

oh...and at the very least...now you will have someone to wipe your butt in your elder years

[ASG]

Arabella, don't stress too much about the timing of the wedding! It can happen before you give birth, or after... The fact he wants to get married sooner, now, is natural. The baby sped things along for him, cementing a decision he had already made.

 

Congrats!

Edited May 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post

[Arabella]

Congrats.....Being a parent is an incredible feeling and one that is not comparable with anything in my life thus far.

Enjoy it, make it fun and laugh with your child all the time.

Try not to take things too seriously, being a child means life is supposed to be filled with fun, laughter and joy.

 

oh...and at the very least...now you will have someone to wipe your butt in your elder years

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement

 

Things happened quickly for us and it feels like our life is getting built with huge granite blocks, as opposed to cute little bricks like most reasonable people. It's stressful sometimes, but I don't have any regrets.

 

I just couldn't be happier. Happy that I am pregnant, happy that I have this amazing man, and happy that life is just going our way.

 

I hope everything goes well with the pregnancy. As I said before, we weren't even really trying for it (just not preventing it), but now I'm really excited about this baby. 12 weeks to find out the gender seems so far away

[pie2]

I literally just found out I am pregnant. While we weren't trying for it, we also weren't avoiding it.

 

Now we found out that I'm pregnant and when he asked me how I felt about it, I was honest and told him that I was happy, but not crazy about the idea of having a child before getting married. This is mainly because I realized then that my father, who is quite religious, will react negatively to it.

 

We've been officially together just under a year...Why would a pregnancy change that?

 

Any thoughts?

 

-A

 

Arabella ~

 

I wish your family the best. My personal recommendation would be to complete pre-marital counseling. The reality is that you are in a category that has a very high divorce rate (already divorced, as well as pre-marital relations). And, though many amazing, wonderful, incredible mommies are able to raise great kids in a single-parent home, it's usually the case the kids do better in a stable, two-parent environment.

 

And your child's wellbeing is really the main concern now. Nothing else matters (like what kind of wedding dress you'll wear, or where you get married). It's all about your little one, and how to provide the very best for him/her.

 

I'm sorry you've felt attacked on this thread. I don't want to attack you, I just have a different point of view than you do, which is part of the beauty of a forum .

 

It's just that there seems to be a contradiction between what you're saying and your actions. You say that your main concern right now is not forcing your BF to marry you, unwillingly. Well, to me, when you have pre-marital sex (and don't prevent pregnancy), especially with someone you've been with less than a year, you have a very big chance of making the guy feel "forced" into marriage. There's no guarantee that you'll know your BF's exact feelings and reaction if confronted with that sort of situation. But many guys might actually feel some sort of obligation to commit. So, IMO, you've sort of created the exact situation you seem to dread most.

 

Now, I'm not saying your BF in fact feels this way or not...just saying that it always may have been a possibility.

 

You sometimes seem to get defensive when others on here question some of the motives and actions you've taken. I find that, when people are very comfortable with their decisions in life, they are able to hear constructive criticism objectively.

 

Again, best of luck, and as previously mentioned, enjoy your little bundle of joy .

[William]

Thread starter, I'm going to close this for a bit due to the complexity of editing out a bunch of off-topic conversation while retaining relevant comments. Back in a bit.

 

OK, continue the discussion within our guidelines. Thanks.

Edited May 30, 2013 by William
Thread reopened.

[Arabella]

The reality is that you are in a category that has a very high divorce rate (already divorced, as well as pre-marital relations). And, though many amazing, wonderful, incredible mommies are able to raise great kids in a single-parent home, it's usually the case the kids do better in a stable, two-parent environment.

 

I may have made a mistake in getting married too young way back when, but frankly? I am very glad that worked out that way, because that failed relationship (as well as the engagement that came a few years later with someone else) have taught me all about the things that are important to me.

 

In my opinion, that makes me LESS likely to get divorced. I ended the engagement with my ex because I knew he wasn't someone I wanted to be forever with. I also ended my prior marriage for the same reason (never mind that he later confessed he had cheated on me....)

 

I can only speak for myself, but I know this man is who I want. Never felt so sure in my entire life.

 

I'm sorry you've felt attacked on this thread. I don't want to attack you, I just have a different point of view than you do, which is part of the beauty of a forum .

 

Agreed. I welcome all points of view, including yours. That's why I opened this thread, my friend.

 

It's just that there seems to be a contradiction between what you're saying and your actions. You say that your main concern right now is not forcing your BF to marry you, unwillingly. Well, to me, when you have pre-marital sex (and don't prevent pregnancy), especially with someone you've been with less than a year, you have a very big chance of making the guy feel "forced" into marriage. There's no guarantee that you'll know your BF's exact feelings and reaction if confronted with that sort of situation. But many guys might actually feel some sort of obligation to commit. So, IMO, you've sort of created the exact situation you seem to dread most.

 

I actually agree with your assessment here.

 

A while back, he stated his timeline on engagement and marriage. I agreed to it and we moved along with our relationship. At one point, I was not okay with the notion of getting pregnant before we were at least engaged so we began using condoms for a couple of weeks. For the same reason as others have stated... I felt that a child is a much bigger commitment than marriage, and I wanted to make sure he was in it for the long haul before taking such a step.

 

Something didn't feel right to us, though. We both mentioned it. So, shortly after that, it dawned on me that he really is committed to me. He stated many times he wasn't going anywhere, and that his intent always has been to marry me and build a future together. He just had a specific timeline in mind. Therefore, I simply stopped caring about the order in which these things might happen because I became more secure in our relationship. So, we got rid of the condoms again and carried on as things were before.

 

I'm 29 years old, and before my current boyfriend, I was engaged to someone else. Before that, I was married for five years, and there were number of other relationships here and there. Yet... this was the first time I've ever been or wanted to be pregnant.

 

That's how I knew it was the right decision for me. The inner, unmistakable desire to have a child with this particular man, who also wanted the same.

 

Frankly... I'm young, pretty and have a booming career. I've never suffered from a shortage of options. Something inside me, however, wanted this ONE guy, at this point in time. So, why fight it?

 

That's how I've led my life up until this point. If something feels right to me, I go with it. I don't claim that everything in my life has gone perfectly, but hey... I have no regrets, and overall, I'm quite satisfied with who I am and the things I have done.

 

Now, I'm not saying your BF in fact feels this way or not...just saying that it always may have been a possibility.

 

Agreed. Because of how things worked out, it was a possibility... so I wanted to make darned sure that it wasn't the case. Hence why I sought out this forum's feedback.

 

I actually also discussed my fears with him, and he re-stated that it was not out of obligation. He said that his change of mind was because now I'm not just his girlfriend... I'm also the mother of his child. Which, I can totally see how from his point of view this might be a game-changer.

 

You sometimes seem to get defensive when others on here question some of the motives and actions you've taken. I find that, when people are very comfortable with their decisions in life, they are able to hear constructive criticism objectively.

 

I welcome a discussion with people who genuinely want to have a conversation about it -- such as yourself -- even if they have a different perspective. But I will not entertain disrespectful attacks born out of bitterness and immaturity.

 

You're right. I get defensive when people attack my choices, particularly ones that I've already stated we made consciously and happily. My only doubt in this regard was how my father might react to the news (which, as it turned out, he was happy and didn't even mention marriage or lack thereof).

 

Thanks for your feedback

 

-A

[dreamingoftigers]

Arabella,

 

Even though in general my faith community sets apart marriage very specifically, I can see certain shades of grey due to circumstance and all of the other things that society etc. tends to muddy the waters with now.

 

I believe that him giving you the timeline of your engagement and marriage in a solid, steadfast way was more about planning and less about the level of commitment that he had to the relationship.

 

The fact that he had already mentally mapped that out and you agreed with it..... well, it makes you engaged, just without a ring and the stamp on the paper anyhow.

 

I know for a lot of people the ring is the engagement. But the ring is supposed to be the symbol of the commitment.

 

In our time, so many people are very fast & loose when it comes to relationships and families. I have known people that have children but wish to still "have their freedom" so they don't marry. I think that is quite.... odd considering how much of a co-commitment children are. But they are out there, and they are not particularly rare in our age group.

 

That just doesn't seem to be the case here at all. You both knew where you wanted to be and prepared to have a pregnancy. Luckily for you, it happened quickly.

 

Now all the needed to be adjusted (for the sake of convenience really) was the calendar. But the major negotiating and testing and patience has already been done.

 

My husband and I married quickly. I was 23, he was 27. We got married one year and one day to the day that we met. Our anniversaries are on May 27th (meeting) and 28th (wedding) actually. BUT he proposed after three months and we had wanted a January wedding instead of later. Yes it would've been very very quick. But he had issues getting his ID documents from the Ontario Government because he didn't have his birth mother and father's information.

 

But we would've done it anyway (I'm not saying that it was the wisest choice). We had already decided and committed to the permanence of our relationship. For all intents, it was at that point the only obstacle to that permanent label is "a piece of paper and a date on the calendar." Once you get to the point, it's 99.9% of a marriage anyhow.

 

I think the problem lies with some folks that want the family without the commitment. Sort of like a "drive-thru" family. Where you want the family unit when you want it, but then otherwise you do as you please. Which isn't healthy for kids. I also think that often but not always the folks who say "it is just a piece of paper" and then go on to cohabitate and have children have it a little skewed. But that may be for a whole host of reasons. Because it says, essentially, "I don't want to go out and even just sign on this, what I believe to be 'insignificant piece of paper' to show my dedication to my spouse and family. Too much effort."

 

So to underline, the relationship you have isn't not "worth the effort or commitment." It's just waiting until the bureaucratic end is taken care of, which is worth the effort to both of you already anyhow.

 

Just my $0.02

[pink_sugar]

My brother and his ex fiance were nearly engaged 2 years before they called off the wedding last week. I didn't consider it a real engagement until a few months ago...because there was no date set and no ring prior to that. They had issues that caused his fiance to separate temporarily because she didn't know what she wanted. Bamb! My brother got her a ring to make the engagement more official and she was back. However, it didn't stop anything. She took off with my brother's friend and called off the wedding.

 

Sorry if it seemed like I was criticizing your decisions. I was mostly speaking from my own viewpoint. I would want to be sure of commitment from a man before having his child, but that is just me. I just wouldn't want to be in the 'is he marrying me because I'm pregnant' scenario. It definitely doesn't seem like that is your case though. He already wants to marry you, but having a baby together just put the final piece of the puzzle together for him.

[Nyla]

I don't think that some of the criticism that Arabella has received has been very constructive. It reads like people turning up their noses at her, just because she is pregnant before marriage or heaven forbid having premarital sex.

 

It is 2013, not 1945. Many couples have premarital sex and go on to have long and happy marriages. While I wouldn't want a child out of wedlock, I don't condemn any woman who does. There are far worse choices in life, like choosing lowlife bums to have babies with. What about those who never had sex outside of marriage, then end up cheating during midlife crises because they wonder what they missed?

 

I know a woman who had two kids for a man and she was with him for nine years. They were engaged and he left her because he didn't want to be a parent. She met another man, became pregnant and then he proposed to her soon after their baby was born. It looks like he proposed out of obligation, but then they looked so happy in the wedding pictures.

 

Arabella, you rock that baby bump at your wedding. I'm sure you can find a flattering gown.

Edited May 30, 2013 by Nyla

[pteromom]

Congrats, Arabella!

 

The idea to go through pre-marital counseling is a very good one! It will be so beneficial to the strength of your relationship.

[Phantom888]

I literally just found out I am pregnant. While we weren't trying for it, we also weren't avoiding it. We're both very happy about these news.

 

 

I married ten years ago because I felt it was the right thing to do at the time, but I never really wanted to, nor was I excited about it. That marriage ultimately failed, and I am quite sensitive to that issue now. I don't ever want to feel like my current boyfriend married me out of obligation. I also don't want him to feel like he has to do this just because I am pregnant.

 

Any thoughts?

 

-A

 

First of all CONGRATS! Now my comment. When there is a baby involved, everything changes. You cannot use the same ideals that you had before. Yes he is speeding up the process of the marriage thing BECAUSE you are pregnant. There is no way to undo it. Since you two have discussed about a future together, what is wrong with getting married sooner? You are gonna need a bigger dress. You are gonna be cranky and uncomfortable during the wedding planning. You can't expect to follow through with your original plan because now you are pregnant, and everything changes when that happens. Please be good to your man, and get married ASAP. It's unreasonable to expect things to be like before when you are really not the same anymore. There is a little cutie in your tummy that determines everything.

[pink_sugar]

I know a woman who had two kids for a man and she was with him for nine years. They were engaged and he left her because he didn't want to be a parent. She met another man, became pregnant and then he proposed to her soon after their baby was born. It looks like he proposed out of obligation, but then they looked so happy in the wedding pictures.

 

 

Oh wow, it sounds like poor communication here or they were overlooking their differences (one of them wanting kids and the other not) .

[venusianx13]

That makes no sense lol marriage is a bigger commitment I would think than a baby.. It's pretty out of order

 

But whatever congrats

 

 

I strongly disagree. Having a baby is the biggest commitment anyone can ever make in life. A marriage is not necessarily permanent. Being a parent is.

[venusianx13]

And for the record, I notice that men tend to have quick changes of heart much more frequently than we women do. I wouldn't even really call it a change of heart, though...it's more like a step on the gas pedal. I've noticed this with my fiancé. We want children (I have one from a previous relationship), but from what I gathered from him, he wasn't quite there yet. We went a party this past weekend where there were babies all over the place, and he suddenly seemed really, really excited about becoming a dad. Even mentioned to me that we can try before we get married next spring...(which is a no, lol). I've had one child out of wedlock, but the unfortunate truth is that I had an opportunity to marry my son's dad but didn't because he had addiction issues and beyond that, I simply knew he wasn't the man for me. We were young and my son was an unexpected blessing for me, though.

[venusianx13]

So have a baby planning to divorce the person you're with.?. That makes so much sense. Maybe I come from a different type of household than some but here, marriage is a lifetime commitment. When you get married it is permanent. Obviously some people have different experiences than that..

 

 

I'm getting married and have no plan to get divorced, ever. However, a baby/child is also a lifelong commitment, and not lesser in importance than a marriage. I walked away from a prospective marriage to protect my child.

 

 

Congrats to the OP!! It sounds like you will all have a beautiful life together.

Edited May 31, 2013 by venusianx13

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

I'm getting married and have no plan to get divorced, ever. However, a baby/child is also a lifelong commitment, and not lesser in importance than a marriage. I walked away from a prospective marriage to protect my child.

 

I don't know if I would keep a child with someone I had no intent to be with forever. Having had a pregnancy scare recently by a guy I would NEVER want a baby by, I wouldn't have kept it. Not aborted it ever but I wouldn't have kept it. Again marriage is a lifetime commitment to me just like having a baby. I wouldn't ever want a baby by someone I'm not married to BEFORE the baby is conceived... Unless there were serious other concerns like being super old or something then I would consider going into single parentness intentionally

[Nyla]

So have a baby planning to divorce the person you're with.?. That makes so much sense. Maybe I come from a different type of household than some but here, marriage is a lifetime commitment. When you get married it is permanent. Obviously some people have different experiences than that..

 

Nothing is permanent in life, except change.

 

Many people who think they would never divorce end up doing just that.

 

Sometimes there are too many reasons not to stay married.

[Arabella]

Lots of interesting responses here since my last post.

 

Sometimes, people feel ready for different things than what's considered the "proper" thing to do by societal standards. Who's to say what the order should be? What's right for one couple is not right for another -- and vice versa. We only have our own inner sense of right and wrong to guide us. That's the one thing that matters in the end.

 

I have no regrets. I love being pregnant by this man whom I love so much, and I love the fact that he wanted to marry immediately after finding out I was pregnant. THAT alone shows me that it was the right decision to make... because it proved what he always said (that he was fully committed to me).

 

As for us... we picked a couple of dates in late August for our ceremony, just before we leave for our previously-planned vacation to my country. Now it's just a matter of fine-tuning which one will work best. We also sat together to pick my wedding ring set, and we ordered that and his wedding band. I'm currently looking at wedding dress options that might be forgiving of my increasing weight... because who knows what size I will really be by then!

 

I do appreciate all the responses, even the ones that didn't share my point of view. In fact, I valued these all the more because they showed me a different side I may not have fully explored. That's a good thing. The key, as always, is respect.

 

-A

[pink_sugar]

I strongly disagree. Having a baby is the biggest commitment anyone can ever make in life. A marriage is not necessarily permanent. Being a parent is.

 

Definitely agree here. At least with marriage, there is always divorce. Ideally, you want it to be forever, but things happen and they don't always go as planned. Having a baby is forever and there is no going back, it's not a commitment you can back out of. So you had better be ready. That's why I don't understand why people aren't ready for marriage, but are ready to have a baby. Having a baby with someone is like marriage, but more permanent. That's why I always say, if I wouldn't marry them, no way would I have a kid with them!